Godfuckingdammit.
Sera didn’t know how old she was. She’d stopped counting once her age climbed into the ten-thousands. Keeping tabs on something as relative as time seemed futile, anyway, considering her expiration date was set to never. Still, she’d been around long enough to see many sad, pathetic things. None the least of which as sad and pathetic as her miserable walking-cliché of an ass, squatting under a hard rain of chilled shower water, doing her best to stifle the sounds of her hard, chest-breaking sobs.
She was too old to cry over what she couldn’t have. Too old to fall in love, period. Too old to experience emotion on this primal level. To feel something inside her shatter when she recalled the look on Colin’s face, the way he seemed to bleed from the inside out.
She was too fucking old to have let herself be so stupid as to get attached to something as fleeting as another person. It wasn’t as though she hadn’t known what she was getting into when Camael had hired her on to be Colin’s bodyguard.
She’d known.
She’d lived years pretending to be a human child. Doing the human child routine. Throwing temper tantrums, refusing to eat her veggies, pushing the kids she didn’t like, screaming bloody murder when they pushed back. She’d grown up alongside other humans, constantly nudging Colin, whispering childish secrets, laughing when he did or said something funny, arguing over who got the last cookie, and just, well, being a kid. She’d been good at that, because pretending to be a kid without a care in the world…well, it had been a little too easy. Sure, Sera had always had one eye open—and a niggling in the back of her head to keep watch for anything too extraordinary—but for the most part, she’d fallen into the role as though it had been made for her.
Then, like Colin, she had started to grow up. And as the years inched by, she became more and more aware of the dwindling time she had left. How soon everything would be behind her. This little slice of something wonderful in the guise of an assignment. Pretending had become more difficult.
As had ignoring her feelings for the older, more mature Colin. The one with the body that wouldn’t quit, the nerdy sense of humor, the sharp wit, and the fierce devotion to people he loved.
Namely her.
Until yesterday, Sera might have been able to fool herself into thinking what she felt for Colin was friendly affection. Perhaps even fondness. After all, he was the one connection she’d made in her endless years that mattered—the one face out of literally countless who would stick with her. Who meant something to her. The one person she would fight for regardless of what it cost her.
How dumb could she be not to identify that for what it was?
How was it she hadn’t realized, really realized, until now that she was head over heels in love with him? She’d known she loved him in that way she supposed most people knew they loved their friends. She’d been jealous of his girlfriends and downright depressed when he’d been with Harlee—the woman she’d thought he might marry. During all that, Sera had wanted him all to herself. She’d known she and Colin shared a special connection, and yes, she’d accepted that she was attracted to him.
But until today, until the carnival and Camael and Colin’s declaration, she hadn’t wrapped her head around the concept of being in love. She’d wanted everything with him—what she had, what she was forbidden to have, the full shebang—but she hadn’t given everything a name.
Until now.
She was in love.
In love.
And royally fucked.
Because loving Colin might very well be the thing that well and truly killed her.
Nothing ever went according to plan. Which was one of the many reasons why she was crouched in the stupid bathroom taking a second shower. Talking to Colin while her feelings were this raw and exposed wouldn’t do her any good—she’d babble, and he’d get angry, and then everything would be ruined. She didn’t want him to remember her like this, but she didn’t get the luxury of pursuing the things she wanted. Perhaps that had been her crime. Assuming that there was something in this assignment that she could take for herself, beyond the time away from the place she never wanted to see again.
Sera shivered and forced herself to rise on wobbly legs. She sniffed miserably and wiped at her eyes, then cast a glance at the closed door and felt herself well up all over again.
It shouldn’t be this hard.
And though she didn’t want to, Sera found her mind pulling her back to his question. Well, one of his questions. After the day he’d had, she knew he was brimming with them, to the point it was hard for him to keep up. When he’d asked her about being Fallen…well, that stung way more than it should.
Only, no, it stung exactly as much as it should. The question had been in keeping with the same thoughts that had pestered her all day, and longer if she was being honest with herself. The band-aid answer to her problem—her dare to herself to put her money where her mouth was.
Because separating herself from Heaven was easy to do in speech. Lip-service didn’t demand action. For as alone as she’d been her entire existence, the thought of losing that one connection—even if it was one she didn’t particularly care for—rendered her absolutely terrified.
And maybe that was why this hurt so much. Not the knowledge that she couldn’t have Colin, but that she could if she wanted to throw everything else away. If she was well and truly prepared to not feel that strange, wonderful, and terrible connection to God anymore every day for the rest of eternity. If she felt she could face the endless unknown without the safety of having all of Heaven at her beck and call if she found herself entangled in something larger than she was.
For all her talk, she was a goddamned coward. She wanted this—wanted her life to continue with Colin, to be with him wholly. To be a woman rather than just his friend or guardian angel. She wanted that—she just didn’t want the burden of choice.
She didn’t want regrets.
And she couldn’t make that decision.
Colin deserved better than she could ever offer him. He deserved someone who could make that leap of faith. Who wasn’t so crippled by the comforting weight of a deity whom she wasn’t even sure she liked that she was willing to say goodbye to the only person she’d ever loved in the whole of all time.
He also deserved better than whatever Camael had planned for him.
Sera wiped at her eyes, though it did little good with the shower still running. She drew in a deep, ragged breath and switched off the water. Almost immediately, she was wrapped in a cold, unforgiving silence, one that was somehow louder than splashes against the tub and the screaming in her head. Though she knew Colin was just on the other side of the door—she could feel him in ways she’d never been able to feel another—there was no sound to accompany his presence. All was quiet. An awful, awful quiet.
Her choices were rather limited. She’d already played fast and loose with the rules, allowed things to tumble out of control. Once at Whistler’s was understandable—she hadn’t intended their kiss to morph into anything, but one taste of him hadn’t been enough. It had awakened something in her she’d desperately wanted to pretend didn’t exist, because it existing made everything that had to happen all the harder to bear.
It also made ignoring the fact that she had fallen in love with him…
Well, no need to go there again. The point was once was bad enough. What had happened just a few moments ago had the power to devastate. Because there hadn’t been any reason outside of naked want. And had her rational mind not kicked in when it had, she likely would have let him tumble her to bed.
The thought made her want to weep all over again. Instead, Sera inhaled once more and forced herself out of the shower stall. The second her feet hit the mat, the preternatural quiet kicked up a notch. It had screamed before—now it deafened, pounding her with the knowledge that when she opened the door, when she faced Colin, she wouldn’t have the luxury of putting anything off. She could try to ignore him, but she’d fail miserably, and he was owed an explanation.
No short cuts this time.
Sera finger combed her wet hair, then reached for the clothes she’d tossed in the bathroom corner. The thin material clung to her damp skin, but she knew waiting any longer to dry off would just give her rebellious brain ammunition, or promises of alternative solutions to a problem that didn’t come with options. She’d dug herself in out of selfishness. She’d wanted her one last night with him, and damn, had she gotten it.
Swallowing hard, Sera pressed her palm to the door. She braced herself, counted to ten, then pushed it open.
Colin sat on the edge of the bed, his head in his hands. She saw a shudder wrack through him when she walked back into the main area, but he didn’t look up.
Good. Maybe he’d keep his head down the entire time she spoke. It might be easier if she didn’t have his eyes on her.
Sera leaned against the sink counter and crossed her arms. She drew in a short breath, then began.
“You’re the first person I’ve ever been close to, and I’ve been alive for…I don’t know how long.”
That did it. Colin looked up, his vivid brown eyes finding hers.
Oh well. Getting through this without having to look at him had been a long shot, anyway.
“Well,” Sera amended, then licked her lips. “The only person. Ever. When Camael first came to me about taking this…assignment…”
Colin flinched, and she didn’t blame him. Referring to his life as an assignment was cold, but not inaccurate. That was what it had been to her at the time.
Sera cleared her throat. “He knew I’d jump at it. I’m not a very good Fallen angel, see. To be a real Fallen angel takes…dedication. Dedication I lack. As vocal as I am about Heaven…I’m afraid to be without it. Taking that step…cutting myself off…” She shuddered and rubbed her arms. “That takes guts, and I’ve never been gutsy. I’ve been the girl who pretends to have guts, but making the hard decisions? Not my thing. So I’m a shit angel who doesn’t kiss any holy ass, and I can’t even Fall properly because, well, that would mean not getting the perks.” A pause. She steeled herself, then continued, “Sneaking out of Heaven, or finding reasons to be on Earth, is pretty much all I’ve done until you. Angels aren’t allowed to come down here and play unless they’re on assignment, and assignments typically go to the angels who aren’t cosmic fuckups. That’s why Camael thought this—thought you—were perfect for me. It was a long-term assignment. It meant living as a human for at least twenty years, more if we were lucky. It was a break from the couple weeks here or month or so there that I’d done before, and if I was down here, I wouldn’t be fucking shit up upstairs. I didn’t go into this thinking I’d get attached.”
Sera broke off again and looked away.
“But you did,” Colin said softly, his voice a soothing balm.
She nodded. “I did.”
“Sorry about that.”
She whipped her head back, meeting his gaze. “Being with you—being in your life—has been the best thing to ever happen to me. Ever. I didn’t think I’d get attached because I had no…I had no way of knowing I would. I might be forever years old, but I was a dumb fucking kid when I accepted this job. You changed that. You changed everything. I’m not the person I was then.”
“You weren’t ever a person though, were you?”
That was anger talking. She saw it flick behind his eyes, and though she deserved it, she couldn’t deny it stung.
“Even when you were playing at being a kid, that’s all that was. You were humoring me.”
“No. I was supposed to be guarding you.”
“And you weren’t?”
Sera shook her head. “I would have. If anyone tried anything, I would’ve dropped the human stuff in a blink. But no one ever tried anything, and I didn’t have to. Instead I just…grew up. With you. I became…me. I learned who I am.”
Colin stared at her, unflinching. “And who you are is someone who doesn’t connect.”
“I’m trying to tell you that you changed that.”
“That’s nice. In the meantime, I’m in love with you.” He bounded to his feet, his nostrils flaring, a shadow crossing his face. “Or did you not catch that part before you bolted?”
Her already-knotted stomach performed a series of somersaults. “I caught it.”
His eyes narrowed. “Sorry if that doesn’t fit in your assignment.”
“Colin—”
“Does my loving you mean anything to you?”
She jerked. “What?”
“I’m trying to figure it out. What the hell I’m doing wrong. What it is about me that…” He shook his head, a cold laugh barking through his lips. “I’m a demon.”
“Colin—”
“Today has been insane, and, for some stupid reason, you’re what I’m most worried about.” He laughed again, the sound even less pleasant this time around, and rose to his feet. “It seems I can handle the idea that my life is a lie. That my mother was actually a nun raped by a ruler of Hell, and my demonic siblings are out there trying to find me. No fucking sweat. But you…” Colin blinked at her as though searching for words. “What bothers me is that you won’t talk to me.”
“I’m talking to you right now.”
“You honestly don’t think I don’t know when you’re holding something back? As you’ve been so kind to point out, I haven’t had the choice but to know you all my life.” He pointed at her. “So stop bullshitting me.”
Sera stiffened. “Look, Colin—”
“I could handle it if you didn’t feel anything,” he said. “I’m in love with you, sure, but that’s on me. If you didn’t feel the same way, or… I was always prepared to just try and get over it. But what just happened…you feel something, too. And the entire time I’ve known you, you’ve never backed down from anything you want. What the hell am I supposed to think?”
She inhaled and looked away again, crossing her arms. “I don’t know.”
“No, tell me. Am I evil?”
That caught her off guard. Her gaze swung back to him. “What?”
“I’m a demon. A crown prince of Hell, according to you. Does that mean I’m…am I…” His mouth twisted and his face fell. “Is it because I’m…tainted or…once I become all powerful, I’ll turn into something else? I’ll become—”
“No.”
Colin paused. “You didn’t let me finish.”
“Evil isn’t genetic. And it’s…complicated. People throw around words like evil and good like they’re on a color wheel of morality.”
His brows drew together. “Deep.”
She glared at him. “You know what I mean. The point is, what you are doesn’t make you evil or good. It’s what you do. And most people, celestial and otherwise, are hella complicated.”
Silence stretched between them for a long moment. “So…I’m not evil.”
“No.” Sera licked her lips. “I…what I want doesn’t matter in this, Colin.”
At that, something flickered behind his eyes. He took a step forward. “Sure it does.”
And there it was. The hope. The spark of something else she thought she had killed roared back to life. Sera swallowed hard and moved back, shaking her head. What she had to say was lodged still somewhere in her throat. He was right, of course, and she was holding back, but she didn’t think admitting it would make things better.
Admitting the truth in this case would just cause more pain, but she wasn’t sure who would feel it the most.
Still, she could dance around the truth. She could find a way to make it lie for her.
“Well,” she said, “this isn’t it.”
He frowned, and the light dimmed a bit. “What isn’t what?”
“This…this isn’t what I want. I’m a little…on edge because of everything that happened. Because, believe it or not, I didn’t plan to spend my day ruining your version of reality.” Sera forced her gaze away and ran a hand through her still-damp hair, awareness prickling at her skin. There was no telling if he’d believe her or not, but at the moment, all that mattered was dropping the topic. This was a conversation they could never have in earnest.
And this time tomorrow, none of it would matter, because he’d be out of her life forever.
Colin drew in a breath. “I see.”
His voice was flat, impassive. She hated that, but there wasn’t anything to be done about it.
“Yeah.”
“Sorry to be such an inconvenience.”
She forced a smile, though she knew the words weren’t meant to be taken lightly, and looked back at him. “Well, you always were a burr up my ass. No need to change.”
Colin didn’t reply. He just stared at her.
Then, calmly, he turned and began rummaging through the things she’d acquired at Dollar General.
“What are you doing?”
“Getting dressed.”
Something in Sera’s gut twisted. “Why?”
“So I don’t get arrested for public indecency.”
“W-where are you going?”
“Out.”
Sera nearly tripped over her feet in her haste to close the distance between them. “But—”
“I can’t be around you right now. I need to get out of here.”
“Colin, you—”
He whirled around, his eyes so dark she barely recognized him. It wasn’t the changes she’d made. He looked different without his glasses, of course, and the wild, untamable curls that had so recently made his head their playground. No, the way he looked at her now was different because, well…
She shivered.
“Don’t,” he said, his voice thick. He plopped onto the mattress and began pulling on jeans. He didn’t bother with an actual shirt—no need, since he had dude privileges. “Please, just let me…I need to be away from you.”
Her heart felt sucker-punched. “Colin—”
He held up a hand. “I got a new look. You worked your magic so my sister and extended wacky family won’t recognize me. So I should be fine.”
“But—”
“Sera…I learned I was a demon today, and it’s still not the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. Just…stay away from me for a little while. It’s the least you can do.”
A sharp shudder claimed her body—one she felt to the bone—and her eyes filled again with tears. The gasp that wanted freedom didn’t receive it, but holding it back somehow made the pain worse.
Colin stood and slipped his feet blindly into his shoes. Then he was headed for the door at a pace so fast he nearly blurred.
And Sera didn’t do anything. Say anything, because she couldn’t. She didn’t trust herself.
So she stood broken and mute as he disappeared into the blanket of dark outside and shut the door behind him without another word.