NICOLA’S NAUSEA HADN’T gone away over the last week, and her period was still AWOL. It had put her in full-fledged panic mode. Which is why she’d been locked in the bathroom in her apartment for the last half hour, alternating between a false sense of calm and full-out panic. It was the moment of truth. She needed to know if her worry was justified.
And now she did.
Her professional self warred with her private self, each struggling to handle the news in her own way. Then she forced the diagnostician in her to work on the problem. What possible explanation was there—other than the most obvious one—for the two vertical stripes on the pregnancy test.
She swallowed as she stared at the indicator in her hand. Okay...there was ovarian cysts. Kidney problems... Cancer.
But wasn’t the most obvious reason also the most likely one, given the occurrences leading up to it? Especially since the test strip she was holding was the third one. With the exact same results.
She was pregnant.
God...pregnant!
The calmness swung back to terror. It had been almost eight weeks since that night at the bar. The night she’d tried to pretend hadn’t happened. Or had at least pretended she’d been too drunk to remember. Situational amnesia.
Was that even a thing? Well, right now, she was wishing the amnesia was very real. Or that she at least had no idea who the father was.
That would be so much easier than what she was facing right now, which was telling Kaleb the truth.
Exactly how did she do that at this late date? Go to him and admit she’d been faking it all along? That she remembered every blasted second of that night?
Well, obviously she hadn’t been faking everything. But protection? God, yes, they’d used it. Each and every time.
Lining the plastic tests on the counter, she touched a finger to each one, the matching stripes telling a story she didn’t want to believe. She wished she could sweep them into the trash and make this all go away. But she couldn’t. She’d never really believed in fate.
Until now.
She was going to follow through with the pregnancy. Because the other option made her stomach churn in a way that had nothing to do with morning sickness. But that meant she wasn’t going to be able to hide it from Kaleb. She would need prenatal care, sooner rather than later, since at thirty-five, the chances of chromosomal abnormalities went up, along with a whole slew of other things.
And Kaleb... God only knew how he would react to the news.
Her eyes met her own troubled gaze in the mirror, before glancing down at her body. There would be no disguising the changes that were heading her way. And even if there was, the baby would have to be born somewhere.
Just a week ago, she’d toyed with the idea of starting a family. On her own. With some anonymous sperm donor. But this donor was far from anonymous. Far from a laundry list of defining characteristics with a carefully calculated timeline. And her vision of the procedure had been a hell of a lot chillier than her night with Kaleb had been.
It looked like the universe had taken the decision out of her hands.
Danny would probably find it amusing, that in trying to drown out what had happened that night at the hotel room, she’d actually created a reminder that would follow her for the rest of her life.
The image of Kaleb pushing a stroller teased her with might-have-beens that smacked of forevers and perfect endings. He would send her a look, eyes crinkling at the corners in a way that needed no spoken words.
There would be no looks, though. No spoken words.
Hadn’t she gotten involved with a colleague once before? And where had that gotten her? Nowhere, that’s where. She’d ended up leaving her previous hospital because of it. Well, not just because of it, but it had certainly played a part in her decision. In fact, Bill had left first, before returning to the hospital a few months later. But by then, they’d both known there would be no going back.
No, Kaleb wasn’t going to be in her life forever. But wasn’t it okay for it to have happened this way? She respected Kaleb. Probably more than she should. And that laundry list she’d thought about moments earlier couldn’t hold a candle to the flesh-and-blood man she could see. Had talked to. Worked with.
And the baby was definitely his—there’d been nobody else since Bill. There’d been nothing traumatic about their breakup, and Bill was a very nice guy. They’d simply decided they were better suited as friends than a romantic couple. The passion just hadn’t been there. Soon after their breakup, he’d found that passion with a national-parks employee.
No. There’d been no one else. Hadn’t even come close to sleeping with anyone.
She swallowed. Maybe Kaleb was right. Maybe she was too abrasive, pushing people away before they got close enough to hurt her. Ha! Leave before you got left.
Was that why she couldn’t find love with someone, like Bill had, after their split? Because she held people at arm’s length for fear that they would disappear?
Her hand swept from her neck down to her abdomen and rested there. Kaleb’s baby might be growing inside of her, even now. She needed to tell him. Before it was too late and he accused her of keeping the news from him.
What if he’d been some faceless alcoholic, drinking his way to an early grave in that bar? Would she still feel the need to try to find him? To tell him he was going to father her child?
No. She wouldn’t. And she was pretty sure if that had been the case, the person wouldn’t want to be found.
So was it any more fair to Kaleb to tell him?
“He’s going to find out, Nic. There won’t be much hiding it, unless you call Bill and coax him to pretend the baby is his.” But that wasn’t fair to him, either, or his new girlfriend. Her hand pressed harder against her stomach, the earlier option coming back to her.
You could always just...
It would be easier, wouldn’t it? No need to tell anyone. Not her parents, not her colleagues and especially not Kaleb.
It would just be...gone.
A knife twisted in her midsection as she picked up the test again and stared at it. Pictured purposely erasing that extra vertical line. Pictured no birthdays. No Christmas celebrations. No future grandchildren.
“I can’t. Oh, God, Kaleb, I’m so sorry, but I can’t.”
She wanted this baby. Already. In a way that defied explanation.
And Kaleb was a good person. People did this all the time, didn’t they? Asked a friend or coworker to father their child?
It made for a good plotline in a movie or a book, but did it happen in real life? She had no idea.
But that ship had already sailed. She hadn’t asked him to father a child. It had just happened.
And if she told him the truth... Well, would having a child be worth the horror of having to stand there and watch as Kaleb’s face transformed from surprise to grim denial?
Yes, it would. That was temporary. Something that was uncomfortable in the moment, but that was adjusted to over a course of weeks or months. A new normal would somehow be forged.
And families were no longer just made up of a husband, a wife and their children. If Kaleb wanted to be involved in the child’s life, she would make sure it happened. But for now, she’d explain that she hadn’t done this on purpose and that she expected nothing from him in regard to the baby. But she owed it to him to at least give him the choice. The same way she was making the choice to have this baby. She also owed it to the baby to find out if there were any genetic issues that might need to be addressed down the road.
And if there were? Huntington’s and a wide assortment of inherited disorders filed through her mind’s eye. Well, she’d cross that bridge when she came to it. But first, she wanted to see Bill and ask him to run that test through the lab.
Bill? Was she seriously thinking of asking her ex to play a role in this? Why? Why not just find an ob-gyn at NYC Memorial?
She set down the test and thought about their relationship. Despite the breakup, she trusted Bill. Knew him. Knew he would keep her secret. And he was a great obstetrician.
And since she had no idea how Kaleb was going to react when she finally told him, it made sense to have her pregnancy handled elsewhere. If he had a meltdown, it would be easier to have her appointments off-site, where she wouldn’t have to face him and where news wouldn’t somehow trickle back to him.
There was also her position at NYC Memorial to take into consideration. The timing wasn’t the best, since she’d just started her job, and she was pretty sure Harvey might not be thrilled to find out that a doctor he’d had a hand in hiring might need to take maternity leave less than a year after her arrival.
Ugh! This was not going to be easy. On any front. And she’d have to tell her parents, although, honestly, that would probably be the easiest task of all. They’d be thrilled to be grandparents. She’d probably have to arm wrestle her own mother just to hold her baby. And maybe it would help ease a little of their grief over Danny’s death. And hers.
“Well, baby, your timing may stink, but I want you to know you’ll be loved. Very, very much. By the people who matter most.” And maybe Bill would even consent to be the baby’s godfather.
Speaking of Bill. She should call him sooner rather than later. Before she chickened out. So she washed her hands, abandoned the tests on the bathroom counter and made her way to the bedroom. Once there she sank on to the bed, picked up her phone and pushed the button listed by his name.
It rang twice and then a familiar voice answered. “Hi, Nic. Long time, no hear. How’s the new hospital treating you?”
There was no awkwardness in the question. No stilted speech. And for that, she was grateful. It would make what she needed to ask a little bit easier.
“It’s been good, so far.” She gulped and then plowed ahead with her news. “So I think I may need your help with a slight problem. If you’re willing, that is.”
As soon as the words came out, a huge wave of emotion rolled through her, flattening her. Slight problem? No. It wasn’t slight. It was a very, very big deal.
A life-changer.
Without warning, her eyes filled and a hiccupped sob came out of her mouth. In the background she could hear Bill talking, the concern in his voice obvious. “Nic, are you okay? Hey, are you still there?”
But it was almost as if she was paralyzed and unable to respond, unable to do anything but sit there and try to catch her breath as a wave of dizziness swept over her.
Bill came back through. “Do I need to call 911?”
That got her attention. “N-no. No, sorry. Something’s happened. Something I didn’t plan.”
“Don’t tell me you’re getting married?”
That got a strangled laugh. She was glad they’d been able to remain friends. “Hardly. I was told, in no uncertain terms, that I intimidate people.”
Those weren’t exactly the words Kaleb had used, but the subtext had come through loud and clear.
“You? Intimidating?”
He drew the word out in a way that made her laugh again, her earlier panic beginning to uncoil. “Okay, so you’ve told me the same thing. I’m working on it.”
“Hmm... I’ll believe it when I see it.” There was a pause and then he said, “Okay, Nic. If you’re not involved with someone, then what’s the problem? Trouble at the new job?”
“No, the job’s fine.” She cast around to find the words. Then once she found them, they came pouring out. “I think I’m pregnant, Bill. And I don’t know what to do...”
“Pregnant? Are you sure?”
“According to the three home tests I took, I am.”
There was a pause. “You need to come in and have it verified, of course.”
“I know.”
“You said you weren’t getting married, and I assumed you weren’t involved, but maybe I was wrong?”
It would be so much easier if she’d been like Bill, able to find true love on the heels of a broken romance. But she wasn’t.
“No, you aren’t wrong. I’m not involved. But I did have a night of...” Of what? Drunken debauchery? No. It hadn’t been like that. “It was after Danny died. I went out and had one too many drinks.”
“That’s not like you.”
No, it wasn’t. And she was pretty sure it wasn’t like Kaleb, either.
“I know. But it is what it is. And I need to make sure, before I say anything to the man I was with.”
“So you’re keeping it.”
This was her chance to say no, she wasn’t—that she couldn’t raise a child on her own. And all of the other arguments that had run through her head.
“I think I am.”
“And the guy? Do you care about him?”
“It’s complicated. I actually work with him at the hospital, although I didn’t know that at the time.” It would have been so much easier if he’d just been a one-night stand, like she’d meant him to be.
“That makes it hard.”
“I know. I’ll figure it out somehow, though.” She paused. “Will you take care of the testing part for me? I’d rather it not be here at NYC Memorial, if I can help it. I’ll need to figure some things out before I tell the man in question. Or anyone else, for that matter.”
“Well, congratulations... I think.”
“Thanks. Like I said, it’s complicated, and it wasn’t planned, but I’m happy. At least right now. That may change in a matter of hours.”
“Well, let me know when you want to come in. And you know I’ll help with anything you need. Cheryl and I both will.”
“Thanks, Bill, I really appreciate it.” She paused. “How soon can you see me? As long as it won’t complicate things with Cheryl.”
“She’ll be fine. I can do it this afternoon, if you want.”
A wave of relief went through her. The sooner she knew for sure, the sooner she could plan her next move. “Thank you. I owe you one.”
“No, you don’t. The only thing you owe me is to be happy. If this is what you want, I’ll back you one hundred percent. Can you get here around five? I’ll just be getting off, so no one should be popping into my area to chat or ask questions.”
“I’ll be there. Thanks again.”
Kaleb headed up the walkway and pushed through the door to the hospital just as someone was trying to rush out. The person almost ran into him and skidded sideways to avoid him just as he realized who it was.
Nicola.
“Sorry,” she said, eyes widening as she saw him, color sliding into her face and blazing across her cheekbones.
“You’re headed somewhere in a hurry.”
“I’m just getting off work and I’m running late. I, um, have an appointment in New Jersey.”
His head tilted. She hadn’t wanted him to catch her coming out, and she’d mumbled those last few words in a way that gave him pause. “You’re not thinking of leaving us, are you?”
“Leaving? Why would I be...?” She shook her head. “Oh, my appointment. I am scheduled to meet someone at Grace Central, but it has nothing to do with my work here.”
“Good to know.” So who was she meeting? And why was that question even relevant? They’d had a good lunch the other day. Except for when Snow had appeared out of nowhere, looking far too interested in what he was doing there with Nicola. Kaleb wasn’t exactly sure himself, and that bothered him. He’d forced himself to carry on like nothing out of the ordinary had happened, and they discussed cases and the differences between NYC Memorial and her former hospital. She’d said nothing about going there for an appointment. Or meeting anyone. But then at the end of their lunch, she’d suddenly gotten quiet, as if her thoughts had turned to something else. Something she didn’t want to share. And he hadn’t pressed. Because he’d had something he didn’t want to share, as well. Namely his crazy pact with Snow, which he’d been fairly certain his friend had been about to blurt out.
She shifted her weight, making him realize he was standing there with the door open, blocking her way. He went back through it, holding it open. “Well, I’d better let you get on your way.”
“Okay, thanks. I’ll probably see you tomorrow.”
Probably? Was she lying about leaving? She’d said she was happy at NYC Memorial, so it would be a sudden turnaround if that wound up not being the case.
“Okay, have fun.”
She gave him a strange look before moving away from him. He watched her go, her steps quick and staccato, as if she couldn’t wait to get to her destination.
Hadn’t she said she’d been involved with someone at her old hospital? And that it had been part of the reason she’d left there? Maybe they were getting back together.
While that should make him feel relieved, somehow it didn’t. Especially since they’d spent a pretty passionate night together.
Yes, and the woman didn’t even remember it. It also didn’t mean she couldn’t go back to an old flame. Maybe they’d had a fight, or she’d caught him cheating and had wanted to retaliate.
None of that made him feel any better.
And if she did leave? That shouldn’t matter to him at all. Unless Snow had noticed something that Kaleb had been oblivious to. Maybe he and his good friend should have a little chat.
Except the last thing he wanted to do was discuss Nicola with Snow...or anyone else, for that matter. He’d rather just power through this whole thing as if nothing was wrong.
Because it was true. Nothing was wrong.
Then why had he taken a woman he was supposed to have no interest in out for a meal? Or stuck up for her with colleagues like Clint Danvers? Or sat in her office to “see what her process was”? He hadn’t done that with any of his other coworkers. So why Nicola? Was it residual emotion from what had happened between them? If that was the case, he was in trouble. Deep trouble. Maybe Kaleb needed to take a step or two back and observe his behavior with an objective eye. The way Snow had.
And if he saw something he didn’t like?
Then he needed to back away, while he still could. Before he found himself in another situation that would end badly, like with his exes.
Nicola was different. Although when he’d first seen her at the hospital, he’d wondered if she’d somehow known he worked at NYC Memorial the night they were together. And planned what had happened.
He’d later decided that wasn’t the case. But in reality, he knew very little about the woman. He’d dated his former fiancée for more than a year and look at how little he’d known about her. And look at Snow. He’d known his wife for even longer and look where that had led.
No, he needed to tread carefully. Before he found himself sinking in quicksand, with no way out. And Snow standing on the banks saying “Don’t look at me. I tried to tell you, and you wouldn’t listen.”