RACHEL’S face went white and she nearly dropped her mug of coffee when Oliver walked into the kitchen.
‘I wasn’t expecting you home. Aren’t you supposed to be doing house calls?’ she asked.
‘I’ve asked Prunella to reschedule them.’
‘You’ve asked...?’
Was it that shocking? Did she really feel he put the practice before her every single time? Hell. If he didn’t do something now, he had a nasty feeling that their marriage would disintegrate completely. ‘We need to talk, Rach,’ he said softly. ‘And I’d rather we didn’t have this conversation in front of the children.’
‘Me, too.’
She looked as grim as he felt. Please, God, don’t let her ask me to leave for good, he thought desperately. Please, don’t let it be too late. He swallowed hard. ‘I’m not the best person with words. Not when it comes to something as important as this.’
He saw her grab onto the kitchen table, her fingers tightening against the wood. What was going on in her head? Did she want him to leave or stay?
‘I just want you to know—’
The phone shrilled, cutting him off.
‘You’d better answer it,’ Rachel said dully. ‘It’s probably a patient.’
Oliver swore. ‘Leave it,’ he said. ‘Let the answering machine take it.’
‘But—’
‘But nothing. I’m sick of interruptions. Every time we try to talk, someone else cuts in. This is too important to leave.’
Tell her. Tell her how you feel. The words echoed in his head.
‘I love you.’
She blinked at him. ‘What?’
‘I love you,’ Oliver said. ‘You mean everything to me.’
‘No.’ She shook her head. ‘Don’t lie to me, Oliver. I know the truth.’
Truth? He stared at her in surprise. ‘What are you talking about?’
‘Caroline Prentiss.’
‘What about her?’
‘Your mistress.’
‘My what?’ He stared at her, uncomprehending. What the hell did she mean? Just because his elder brother was a womaniser, it didn’t mean that he was. He shook his head, hardly able to believe that they were having this conversation. ‘I’ve never been unfaithful to you. I never could be. I’m not having an affair with anyone, least of all Caroline.’
She lifted her chin, challenging him. ‘Come off it. I heard it all in the playground. You used to go out together, and everyone thought that you’d end up getting married—but then she broke it off and you met me. You married me on the rebound. And the moment she was back, you were all over her like a rash!’
‘No, I wasn’t.’
‘Oliver, I saw that text message she sent you. “I’ve loved you since the moment I first set eyes on you. I knew you were the one I wanted to grow old with. That hasn’t changed and it never will. I love you.”’ Her voice was shaking. ‘And, even worse, you actually started to use that line on me!’
He flushed. ‘I swear to you, it isn’t like that. Anyway, why were you looking at my text messages?’
‘Because I thought you were being unfaithful. And I found proof. When are you going to stop denying that she’s your mistress, Oliver?’
‘She isn’t my mistress. And that message wasn’t about me.’
‘You’re not making any sense.’
He dragged a chair out, made her sit down and pulled a chair out for himself next to hers. ‘Caroline was my girlfriend when I was a teenager, yes. But she didn’t feel the same way about me as I felt about her.’
Rachel scoffed. ‘I saw you the night she came over for dinner. You were virtually glued to each other in the hallway. I mean, in our house, with our children asleep upstairs and when you thought I was in the kitchen. How could you?’
‘It really isn’t what you think.’ He raked a hand through his hair. It wasn’t his secret to tell. But if he didn’t tell Rachel the truth now, he’d lose her for good. If he hadn’t already lost her. ‘Look, I’m not having an affair with Cally.’ He took a deep breath. ‘She’s gay.’
‘What?’
‘She’s gay. A lesbian. Except she’s always kept it very quiet so people in Hollybridge don’t know—you can imagine the kind of hassle her parents would get, with her dad being the vicar. All the stuff about sin and that—even nowadays, people would gossip about her and make hurtful remarks and her parents would probably get the brunt of it. Back when we were teenagers, attitudes were even worse. Nobody would have accepted her for who she is.’
‘So let me get this straight. You’re telling me she wasn’t ever your girlfriend?’
‘Yes. No. It’s complicated.’ Oliver sighed. ‘I thought she was my girlfriend, yes, when we were teenagers. We virtually grew up together, with our parents being friends and the fact we both went to the same school. I liked her. And, yes, people said we made a good couple. I asked her out and she said yes. But then one day things... Well. I wanted to make love, she didn’t.’ He could feel his skin heating. He really didn’t feel comfortable, discussing an ex with his wife—discussing making love with another woman—even though it had been years ago. ‘Then she started crying, and she told me the truth. How she thought of me as a friend, her best friend, as if I were the brother she didn’t have. She didn’t feel the same way about me that I felt about her, but it wasn’t my fault, it was hers, because she couldn’t feel like that about any one male. She preferred women. But she knew it would kill her parents if they found out the truth, so she asked me if I’d still pretend I was her boyfriend, be her cover until she was at Oxford and far enough away from Hollybridge for it not to matter any more.’
‘Caroline’s a lesbian,’ Rachel said slowly.
‘Yes.’
‘But she doesn’t look...’ She bit her lip. ‘Um. Sorry.’
‘She’s not butch, no. She’s always been very girly. Unlike one of her girlfriends.’ He grimaced. ‘Sam treated Cally incredibly badly. She was the reason Cally had a breakdown at Oxford. Everyone thought it was because of me, that I’d called it off between us. But I didn’t mind taking the flak because I knew she couldn’t tell anyone the truth, not even her parents. Nobody else would understand.’
‘Why didn’t you tell me about her?’
He shrugged. ‘I didn’t think there was any point. Cally swore she’d never come back to Hollybridge, and then she went to Australia. We lost touch and I didn’t think I’d ever see her again. Besides, it wasn’t my secret to tell.’
‘Couldn’t you have trusted me once she came back to Hollybridge?’
‘I wanted to. But, as I said, I’d promised her years ago I wouldn’t tell anyone.’
‘And your loyalty to her was stronger than it was to me.’
‘No, it wasn’t like that.’ He shook his head. ‘You come first, Rach.’
‘So why are you telling me now?’
‘Because I’m scared that if I don’t, I’m going to lose you. I’m scared that it might already be too late.’
Rachel still didn’t look convinced. ‘If she’s not in love with you, why did she send you that text?’
He should have guessed that she’d want an explanation. ‘You’re not going to like this,’ he warned.
‘What? She’s changed her mind about her sexuality?’
‘No. I, um, told her we’d been having problems.’
‘What? When you’d had a go at me for talking to my sister, and accused me of telling Ginny and half the village?’
‘You and I were hardly talking, and I was going slowly insane. I’m not good with words, not when it really matters. I wanted you to know that even though things were bad between us, I really did—do—love you. And she came up with the words to help me tell you how I felt.’
‘You were going to tell me words that someone else had thought up for you?’ Her lip curled in disgust.
He swallowed. ‘They might not be my words, but it’s exactly how I feel. I told her about when I first met you. That time I saw you in the library, studying. You were concentrating, bent over the desk with your elbow on the table and one hand stuck through your hair. I couldn’t see your eyes but I could see your mouth, and all I wanted to do was kiss it.’ Just like he wanted to kiss her now. ‘I sat opposite you and you looked up. And it just hit me. I didn’t even know your name, but I’d fallen in love with you. I wanted to be with you. Have kids with you. Grow old with you. It’s how I’ve always felt about you, Rach, right since that very first moment.’ He took his wallet from his back pocket and pulled out the photograph. ‘Remember this? I didn’t think I’d ever be any happier than this. Well, except on the day you stood next to me to the altar and said, “I do.”’
She took the photograph and stared at it thoughtfully. He still couldn’t work out what she was thinking, what she was feeling.
Talk to me, Rachel, he pleaded silently. Tell me you love me as much as I love you. That you want to make a go of our marriage.
She looked at him. ‘What about Caroline?’
‘Cally’s my friend. Someone who’s known me for years. Someone who’s been nagging me even more than you have about the way things are between you and me.’ He took a deep breath. ‘I thought you’d found someone else.’
‘That’s ridiculous.’
‘Is it? When you did your paediatrics course, I decided to meet you from your course and have lunch with you. Or at least ask you to go out with me that night. Cally said she’d babysit, and I wanted to take you out to dinner. Give us some space to talk. But then I got to the hotel and saw you. You were flirting with a man in the bar.’
‘A man in the...?’ She chewed her lip. ‘Oh, Marty.’ She shook her head. ‘That didn’t mean anything. He was just one of the other delegates. He asked me out. And I admit, I was flattered that a man had paid me some attention—I mean, you didn’t even notice that I’d completely changed my hair and I’d started dressing up again instead of being mumsy.’
‘I did notice. You looked stunning. I just... The way things were between us, I didn’t know how to tell you without you taking it the wrong way and having a fight with me.’
‘I turned him down, Oliver. I told him that I was married. I never even... Oh, perhaps for a second I thought about saying yes. It felt good, knowing that someone found me attractive. Except he wasn’t you.’ She put the photograph on the table and twisted her fingers together. ‘Is that why you accused me of having an affair?’
‘Yes. I didn’t know what to think, Rach. First I see you flirting with a stranger, then people in the village hint that you’re seeing someone. You know—new man, new image.’
‘I was trying to show you that I could be as glamorous as your mistress.’
‘I don’t have a mistress.’
‘I know that now.’ She bit her lip. ‘I’m sorry I doubted you. I should have known... But I thought you’d fallen out of love with me—that you escaped to the practice rather than spend time with me.’
‘No. I thought you’d stopped loving me. You spend all your time with the kids and you never have time for me any more.’
‘Oliver, that’s crazy. How can you be jealous of your own children? They’re little. They need me.’ When she saw the flash of hurt in his eyes, she added, ‘They need you, too.’
Then her heart caught up with her brain. Oliver thought she didn’t have room for him any more, since the kids. ‘Just because I love them, it doesn’t stop me loving you as well,’ she said softly. She remembered what his childhood must have been like, trailing in the wake of Nigel and knowing that he was second best, only ever wanted when his elder brother wasn’t around. ‘Love isn’t something you chop up into little bits and once it’s shared out there’s nothing left. It grows with you as a couple, expands to encompass your children and then their families.’ She reached over to take his hands. ‘I’m sorry if you felt left out. If you thought we didn’t need you, didn’t have time for you any more, no wonder you turned to the practice.’
‘We’ve both been stupid,’ Oliver said.
‘We should have talked,’ Rachel agreed. ‘I wanted to. But I was so scared you were going to say you didn’t want us any more, I ducked the issue.’
‘Me, too.’ He stroked her face. ‘I don’t want to fight any more, Rach. I just want you back. I want things to be how they were—when we were happy.’ He took the photograph from the table and tucked it back into his wallet. ‘You, me and the kids. A proper family.’
‘Me, too,’ Rachel said. ‘But I don’t want to go back to how things have been these last few months, when you haven’t had time for anything except work and I’ve spent all my time with the kids.’
‘I was trying—’
‘To do the impossible,’ Rachel said.
‘I thought I could keep my father happy by running the practice as he’d always run it. But times change. And the Bedingfield Surgery is going to have to change, too, because I can’t do it all.’
‘And I’ll support you more. Maybe I can get Sophie in for another session at nursery and take some of the burden off you, so we can spend more time together. And maybe we can put aside one evening a week just for us, so we don’t lose each other again.’
‘An evening that’s not interruptible. Ever.’ He leaned over to kiss her. ‘I love you. And I’ve been thinking. Everything you’ve been saying to me...you’re right. I’m going to use an on-call service to take over the night and weekend calls, and hire a practice manager to handle the admin side of things.’
‘Using an on-call service won’t make you any less of a family doctor,’ Rachel said. ‘You’ll still be Dr Bedingfield.’
‘But I’ll also be a husband and father, and put you and the kids first,’ Oliver said. ‘I don’t want to sit there at their eighteenth birthday parties and realise that they’ve grown up and I missed every step along the way because I put the practice before my family.’
‘They’ve been missing you, too,’ Rachel told him. ‘And so have I.’
‘It’s not going to happen overnight, and we’ll still have hiccups,’ he warned.
‘But we’ll work together. Get through the hiccups together. We’ll talk about things.’
‘From now on, I’m going to tell you every day that I love you. And I mean it, from the bottom of my heart.’ He held her close. ‘Just tell me you’ll forgive me. That we can start again.’
‘I don’t want to start again.’
He pulled away from her in horror. ‘You still want me to leave?’
‘I never did want you to leave. But I don’t want us to pretend none of this ever happened, Oliver. I want us to remember it. So we never, ever repeat the mistakes again.’
‘No more trying to be perfect, trying so hard not to rock the boat that we don’t realise there’s an iceberg dead ahead,’ Oliver said. ‘We’ll talk properly in future. Starting right now.’
‘Sounds good to me.’ Rachel curled back into his arms. ‘I love you, Oliver.’
‘And I love you, too.’ He kissed her. ‘And tonight I’m not sleeping in the spare room. In fact, we might not be doing that much sleeping.’
‘I hope,’ Rachel said softly, ‘that’s a promise.’
‘Oh, it is.’ His eyes held hers. ‘In fact, I’m going to ring Prunella now and ask her to give me another hour.’
‘No, you’re not—you’ll feel too guilty. But tonight you’re mine—all mine.’ She kissed him lightly. ‘Go and pick that message up.’
‘Sure?’
‘Sure. But if you’re more than ten minutes, I’ll bring your coffee in to you. And I might be tempted to distract you from the phone.’
‘Now that’s an offer I won’t refuse.’ He kissed her. ‘I love you, Rachel. More than words can tell.’
‘And I love you, too.’