December 1, 1931. Sardius and I got into a fight at school today. In our history lesson, we learned about slavery, which is very bad. Negroes did not come to America like everyone else. Indians did not come to America, either. They were born here. The rest of us came for religious liberty and because there was not enough food in the old country. Negroes are different. They were captured and brought here as slaves, and they were treated badly. I did not know that until Miss Weston explained it today. I thought that the slaves came over on their own because they were looking for work, just like everybody else.
At lunchtime, we all got to talking about the slaves, and I said it was wicked to capture people from their homes where they were happy and make them work and do things they do not want to do as if they are animals. Sam Hutchinson, whom I never have liked ever since he called me a smarty-pants back in the fourth grade, said that Negroes are animals and working as slaves was the best that could happen to them. He said if somebody owned them, they took care of them, fed them, and gave them a place to sleep out of the cold. It was better for them because all they knew was to run wild and eat each other. That made me mad, because I know that Darlene knows better than to run wild and eat people. She would not like being a slave, either, so I told Sam he was ignorant, and he called me a name I do not want to write down here. Sardius hauled off and gave him a good clout on the chin. Sam knocked him down and jumped on him, and I lost my head and jumped on Sam. I got in a few good licks before Miss Weston showed up and dragged me away. Otis Merriweather pulled Sam and Sardius apart.
We all had to stand in the corner for the rest of the afternoon and listen to the others snigger at us behind out backs. It was mortifying, but not as mortifying as knowing Miss Weston caught me fighting. She said she was very disappointed in me, which makes me feel just terrible. I wish she would let me explain, but she said there was no good reason for fighting, especially for girls, and she did not want to hear my excuses. I feel sick. And hungry. Mama made us skip supper tonight because of it. I did not get to play with Darlene today, either.
December 1, 1931,
Dearest Cecilia,
It was a disappointing day today. I do not feel encouraged about being able to invite Pearl’s friend to attend school, or even church services. Today, I taught the children about the disgraceful practice of slavery, and some of the children were quite vocal in their approval of it. One even went so far as to call Negroes “animals.” I am proud to say that my Wallace children came to the defense of people of color! Little Pearl actually initiated a fight over it, which drew in her brother and several others. It was quite a sight. I secretly felt so proud of her that I found it difficult to punish them! But discipline is paramount, so I did my duty and gave them all the same punishment for fighting. I did not feel it was appropriate to punish a child for expressing an opinion, no matter how wrong or cruel it was.
I have heard from Marilyn. Did you know she thinks Jonathan and I are practically engaged? I suspect Jonathan has been talking out of school. I certainly hope she did not get the idea from Mother! Please try to keep everyone in line for me.
All my love,
Emily
Cold, waning days, bitter, sparkling nights.
Lovers warm my banks with sweetness.
I murmur songs in my most gentle voice.
Ice rimes my banks, but no one feels the chill.
On the other side, close to the horizon
Dwells the Darkness.
The Spirit broods and waits.
December 2, 1931. Thank goodness Mama is through punishing Sardius and me. She is very tenderhearted, so she cannot stay mad at any of us for long. Miss Weston did not act any different this morning, so I suppose she has forgiven us, too. Mama says I ought to apologize to her for fighting, but I do not feel so inclined. If they would just listen to us and let us explain WHY we were fighting, they would probably give us a certificate of honor and not be mad at us. Maybe I will make a certificate of honor and give it to Sardius for Christmas so he will know I think what he did was brave and sweet.
Daddy was home all day today. His job does not begin until next week, so I was hoping he would use the time to build up his whiskey supply, but I guess he thinks he has enough for now. There is a new batch out in the woodshed, four jugs and twenty-six quart jars, on top of what he has in the barn. I figure I can get at least 10 pints out of it easy without him noticing. I skimmed off one whole pint today, which I sold to Jake Hatton. Pap-pa has been asking me if I can get him some, too.
Darlene and her mother came over to bring some goat milk, and because they are saving Sapphire’s life, Daddy does not have much choice but to be welcoming. He even smiled at Mrs. Carlton, and he patted Darlene on the shoulder just a little. Uncle Woodrow was here, and he was so nice to Darlene that Daddy had to be nice, too, to keep from being shown up. Uncle Woodrow is a real gentleman, and I know that makes Daddy think more about how he treats people.
They did not stay long. Uncle Woodrow said he needed some help over at his place. He has a chicken that he thinks might be egg-bound. Mrs. Carlton knows how to unclog them, so they all went to tend to that chicken. Mrs. Carlton loves chickens and all kinds of animals. When she found out that Uncle Woodrow keeps rabbits, she said she wanted to see them, too. Daddy would not let Beryl and me go with them. He said he needed us to help him out in the barn, and then, after they left he plumb forgot that he had something for us to do.
Uncle Woodrow is going to move in with us for the winter. He and Daddy made him up a little room in the barn loft with a straw-tick mattress covered in a pretty quilt, and they even put a rag rug on the floor. It looks homey and cozy. Daddy will be gone from Monday until Saturday morning, and Uncle Woodrow will be here to help with whatever needs doing. I am happy to have him here. He is good at playing games, and he makes Ruby laugh. Most days we cannot even tell he is suffering from shell shock, he is so jolly.
December 3, 1931. It is starting to get very cold. I do not mind the cold so much as the dark. Daddy, Sardius, and Jasper make sure the stove does not go out overnight, and since we sleep in the loft right over the kitchen, it is nice and warm up there when we are getting dressed in the mornings. In general, Beryl is hard to get going in the mornings. I like to make it to the top of the ridge in time to catch the sunrise and spend a little time just dawdling for a while because it is so pretty, but if I am having to baby Beryl along, I usually do not get there in time to see the sun make its little “Pop!” It does not pop too often since it usually comes in behind clouds, which are pretty, too, but it has been clear this week, and I get to see that little line of gold coming across the mountain, outlining the hills so pretty. The sun seems stronger in the winter, more glary, but I think that is pretty, even when it runs straight in my eyes and makes me blind. If I get to just the right spot when the sun comes up, all I can see is bright gold, and I think that is what heaven must be like, except in heaven, we will have special eyes so that you can see through the gold and it does not hurt them. It is like the day is jumping out at you, full of surprises, all bright and happy, and it does not give a tinker’s hoot whether you care about it or not, or whether it blinds you or not. It is coming no matter what anybody thinks or wants.
December 4, 1931. Sardius laid out of school today to help Pap-pa and Jasper kill a hog. I am glad they did it while Beryl and I were in school so we did not have to be there to see it. I love pork, and hogs are big, mean critters that you do not feel sorry for when they get killed, but it is a messy, ugly business that I do not like to see. Pap-pa is kind not to make us girls come help. He pays Jasper and Sardius for helping him butcher it and render it down, and he also gives them a ham, some bacon and lard, and some hogshead cheese. I love head cheese. It is the best thing you ever tasted fried up and put on a flat hoecake.
Daddy went over to help with the hog killing, but Jasper said he was not very much help. Daddy is tenderhearted toward animals, and he tends to look the other way whenever blood is spilled. Of course, Uncle Woodrow takes off for the woods when he even thinks there might be a killing going on. I am pretty sure that Pap-pa thinks Mama married into a family full of lady-men who do not have the gumption to do what-all needs to be done on a farm. He does not say anything, but I see how he looks at Daddy and Uncle Woodrow sometimes when they go pale and look the other way. I am glad I have a little stronger gut, but I wish it were stronger still. I want Pap-pa to be proud of me, even if he cannot be proud of Daddy.
We had a good time with Darlene and her mama today, as we always do, and Uncle Woodrow slipped back home to spend some time with us. It feels good, having Darlene and her mama in our house, helping Mama cook and clean. Uncle Woodrow is sweet, too. We are all family. We love each other so much!
I sold Jake Hatton another full pint of whiskey this evening. I made him pay me before I gave it to him. I have learned how to handle him, although I do not think I will ever get that 50c that he owes me. The last time I reminded him about it, he acted as if he did not even remember drinking my whiskey. He said he is not sure it was to him that I sold that whiskey. As if there could be anybody else! I know the difference between Jake Hatton and my pap-pa.
December 5, 1931
Dearest Cecilia,
It is cold, perhaps as cold as what you are experiencing, although it is not as dark. The daylight lingers a little longer here. I do not mind admitting to you that I am lonely. The Reverend and Mrs. Miller try to be good company, but the long evenings are tedious and somewhat sad because it is clear that the Reverend is not going to recover his health any time soon. I long for music in the parlor and the laughter of our friends. The people here are kind, but I am always aware that I am an outsider.
I read a lot to while away the time, and I find I am sleeping more than usual, and dreaming strange and beautiful dreams. One dream has been reoccurring for some weeks now—I dream that I am wrapped in the blue and white rag rug that lies in the Miller’s parlor. It engulfs me entirely, so that I can hardly breathe, but rather than feeling suffocated or trapped, I feel free and blissfully euphoric. The rug lifts off the floor, like a magic carpet, sweeping me up high over the mountains, where I drift, watching the beautiful landscapes below me, the bright stars above me. When I wake, I am smiling, and feeling as if a beautiful future lies before me! Even writing about it makes me long to curl up in bed and go to sleep, so I will end this letter and turn off the light.
Good night, sweet Cecilia!
Emily
December 5, 1931. Many things happened today. I got up before daylight with Jasper and Sardius because we wanted to go fishing. This is Daddy’s last Saturday before he leaves to be a bull for the Railroad, and we are going to surprise him with a big feast for supper. It is cold, so I put on a pair of long johns and some old trousers. I did not dream that I would see Miss Weston today!
We started down to the river, and we could see Mrs. Carlton through the kitchen window. We pecked on it instead of going to the door because Billy Ray is at home, and I did not want to see him. When she let us in, she had a big, bloody sore on her head just above her ear. I asked her about it, but she just said she was glad we were here, and she thought it was a good idea if Darlene went fishing with us.
Once we got out the door, I asked Darlene about the sore on her mama’s head, and Darlene made a face like she was about to cry, and she pulled at her hair. After a minute, she said, “That Billy Ray is the meanest S.O.B. that ever walked. I’m going to kill him one day.”
She would not tell me much more, but I got the gist of it. Billy Ray had bashed Mrs. Carlton’s head against the stove and split it open. He is a mean S.O.B., and I do not care who hears me say it. I tried to take her mind off it, and we had a pretty good time fishing, even though we all were mad at Billy Ray. At least we caught a good mess of trout by the time the sun was full up, and we gave Darlene six big ones to take home for their dinner. That might sweeten up Billy Ray some.
Jasper and Sardius went on home, but Darlene begged me to stay awhile, so I did. We sat up on the roof in the cold and watched the river until I got to shivering and decided to come on home.
When I got there, Beryl met me in the yard, breathless, telling me that Miss Weston was visiting at the house. She had been hiding out, waiting on me so I would not be scundered to death, walking into the house and right into Miss Weston. I was very grateful to her to go to the trouble, because here I was, wearing trousers, with short hair, no doubt looking just like a BOY! Miss Weston would be very disappointed in me, for sure. We did the only thing we could think to do. We climbed in the bedroom window, into Mama and Daddy’s room, and I rooted around in the closet until I found a skirt that did not look too bad. It hung off me, but we found some pins in her sewing chest and Beryl helped me to pin it up some. I was ascared to death and shaking by the time we climbed back out of the window and came around to the front door.
Mama looked at me funny when I came in, but she did not say anything. Mama, Daddy, Jasper, Sardius, and Miss Weston were all sitting in the living room drinking coffee, and Miss Weston held Sapphire on her lap. Ruby looked as if she was not paying any attention, but when I came in, she said, “Pearl’s wearing the wrong clothes!” I just about died before Miss Weston smiled at me. She did not say a word about me wearing a skirt pinned together and nearly dragging on the ground.
“Hello, Pearl,” she said, as nice as could be. “I dropped by for a visit with your folks and to see your new baby sister,” and that was all there was to it. I sat down, and we had the nicest visit about school and how well Sardius and I are doing. Daddy was the very picture of politeness, and he sat still right there in the living room the whole time.
December 5, 1931
Dear Jonathan,
Thank you for your kind efforts on behalf of my students! I have talked to the Wallace family, and they were quite agreeable that their sons might continue their education in Chicago rather than stay here in East Tennessee to work on the family farm, provided they are able to earn scholarships for their room, board, and tuition. I have not yet told them that you are looking for sponsors for them. It will be delicate, getting them to agree to accept anything they might consider “charity.”
Their eldest daughter, Pearl, also is very bright—she may be the brightest of the lot, and although she is only going on 11 years old, she will most certainly be ready for high school at the end of next year. I think it would be best if we could find a family to host her for at least the first year or two. A boarding school might overwhelm her at such a tender age. Once I can convince the family to allow their sons to accept assistance, I will begin to work on them for Pearl’s sake. I do not think it would be amiss to tell the family who hosts her that she is available for light housework in return for her room and board. It will sit better with the family if they know Pearl will be earning her keep.
I never thought that having a well-connected friend such as you could be so beneficial to my life as a missionary. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate you going to the trouble to seek out the help of so many important people. Thank you, Jonathan! I pray daily for your health and happiness.
Your friend,
Emily Weston
December 6, 1931. Miss Weston preached from the Book of Esther today. It was about how we all have a Destiny. We may not know what that Destiny will be, but at some point in our lives, we will be called upon to do something important. We might not even know we are fulfilling our Destiny when we do it. We may just be living our ordinary lives, but sometimes we might do something as simple and easy as encourage someone, and that may end up being a great thing. I like the idea of having a Destiny. I am going to try hard to find mine. This also is a good thing to write in my Journal that I turn in tomorrow.
Today is Daddy’s last day before he goes off to be a bull for the railroad tomorrow. We had a nice time at Pap-pa’s house for dinner. Pap-pa got out his fiddle and played for us, and Miss Janey Jo made us all get up and dance a reel, even Mama. Although she is still very skinny, she has gotten a lot stronger since she was out all night looking for Sapphire, and she danced for a long time before she got too breathless to stay up with the rest of us.
It is a pity that Uncle Woodrow would not dance. I could tell Miss Weston wanted him to dance with her. She kept tapping her foot and looking over in his direction, but he did not look as if he saw her. After a while, he jumped up and went outside. I bet Uncle Woodrow would make a nice husband. I wonder if Miss Weston might be willing to marry him if he asked her?
December 7, 1931
Dear Cecilia,
I am in a terrible quandary—again! The doctor has ordered that the Reverend Miller leave the cold climate for the duration of the winter. He says his heart is so fragile that he is afraid he will get pneumonia breathing the frigid air, and he does not want him to be tempted to bestir himself to help Mrs. Miller bring in wood or to shovel a path to the woodshed. This puts me in a terrible position, for if I stay here, I will be quite alone for the next 4 months! Mrs. Miller’s sister has offered to come stay a few days a week with me, but she has a family and that would be placing too much of an obligation on her shoulders.
I do not feel unsafe being here alone. The Millers do not lock their doors, even when they go away overnight, and the people in the community are absolutely harmless. What worries me is that Father and Mother might find out that I am here alone. I have no doubt they will insist I come home immediately, and even petition the board to see that I lose my post here. I have considered asking The Reverend to refrain from letting anyone know—not the board nor anyone in the community, and certainly not Father. Do you think this is dishonest? I know I have already been less than honest with him by implying that someone else is preaching on Sundays. I am quite frantic. If I have to leave here in the middle of the school year, I will be devastated.
Please counsel me, dear sister!
Emily
December 7, 1931
My School Journal, grade 7, Miss Weston’s class
By Pearl Wallace
God has given every one of us a destiny. Esther had a very important destiny to save her people from death and destruction, and she fulfilled her destiny very well by being courageous and smart. I hope I have an important destiny and that I will also be courageous and smart when the time comes to fulfill it.
For now, my destiny is to help take care of my baby sisters, and to be nice to my friends and my family. I know it is my destiny to live here and to be a part of my family because I am so happy doing it. I love living on the Little Tennessee River. It is the most beautiful river in the world, and it flows right by my house, just like the River of Life flows by the Throne of God.
December 7, 1931. Daddy left before daylight this morning to go to town with Mr. Sutton, the mailman. He did not wake us up to see him off, which made Beryl sad, but not me. I was having a good dream this morning about it being summertime and I was eating watermelon, and I felt so warm and good I would have hated to get out of bed just to watch him leave and then feel sad about it all the rest of the morning. Just getting up and having him gone makes it feel like any other day. We will see him on Saturday, anyway.
Now that Daddy will be gone during the week, Darlene and her mother are going to come over every day after school so Darlene can look at my school books. I have most of what we need because Daddy bought books for Jasper when he was in the seventh grade, back when Daddy had enough money to buy such things. Mama and Mrs. Carlton also are teaching us to speak French, and we have already learned a lot!
When we got home from school this afternoon, they were already at the house. Even though Mrs. Carlton’s head still has that big old sore, we all were in such fine spirits that she did not even care. Uncle Woodrow brought in a whole load of wood for us, and he got the stove to roaring. It got so hot in the kitchen that we moved into the front room for a while, then we young’uns went out to the barn to play with the baby chicks.
Uncle Woodrow told Mama not to bestir herself to make supper, that we could just have cold cornbread and buttermilk, and Mrs. Carlton said she had some apple pie at her place she could go get. Uncle Woodrow left out also to go put on a clean shirt, but the funny thing is, when he came back, he had on the same shirt! He had plumb forgotten to change it. He slapped at his forehead and carried on about how forgetful he has become that he made us laugh until our sides ached. Thinking back, though, it troubles me a little that he could be so forgetful. I wonder if the shell shock is doing that to him?
We had so much fun that we forgot we were supposed to start our lessons together. We put a quilt on the floor in the living room in front of the fireplace and pretended to have a picnic for dinner, then we played Charades.
December 8, 1931. We are doing fine without Daddy. Uncle Woodrow is staying here until we get used to having him gone. Last night he slept in the barn loft, but tonight he disappeared again, which he is wont to do sometimes. I worry about him being out in the cold night, and this night was wet, as well, but Mama said he knew how to take care of himself and not to worry.
Darlene came over and stayed for supper, and then we played Shadow Buff until Ruby got so sleepy she fell asleep on the couch. Mama said Darlene should just stay here for the night because the rain was so cold. Jasper offered to run over and tell Mrs. Carlton, but it turns out that Mama had already mentioned that Darlene might stay so that Mrs. Carlton would not be worried.
I have decided I am not going to worry about getting caught for selling whiskey. Al Capone killed people and did a lot of other bad things, and the law was out to get him for all his meanness. I figure that if they catch me, I will pretend I did not know running whiskey was against the law, and I do not mind pointing the finger at Jake Hatton as my customer, although I would never tattle on Pap-pa. I will make out as if Jake Hatton made me think it was all right and I do not know any better, being just a little girl.
December 9, 1931. I think Mama misses Daddy, although I do not know why. Sometimes I find her just sitting and looking out the window, like she is expecting him to come up the front steps, and she ups and says something nice about him when we are talking about something completely different. It is a mystery to me why she likes him so much. He is not much help to her even when he is here. She is better off with just Sardius, Jasper and Uncle Woodrow, who are always helpful and kind to her. You never know when Daddy is going to be helpful and kind and when he is going to come home drunk and mean. I do not like the feeling we all get when Daddy slips out to the woodshed. We do not know if he is going to have just a sip and come back feeling happy, or if he is going to come back to the house cussing and carrying on. Sometimes I wish he would just stay away all the time so we would not have to put up with the strain of not knowing how he will be.
The little girls have gone to bed, and the rest of us are just sitting around the stove, talking. Mama is sewing, as she always does of an evening, while I write this. Jasper and Sardius are teaching Darlen how to make a cat’s cradle. I do not know where Uncle Woodrow is off to.
I love summertime, but winters can be nice, too, because there is not that much to do except stay by the warm stove, play games, and talk.
December 10, 1931. I love being out in the barn these days. Little chicks are the most fun things to play with! Darlene, Beryl, Ruby, and I played out there all afternoon before supper. Uncle Woodrow, Jasper and Sardius were up in the loft raking up some loose hay, and then Jasper and Sardius came down and chased us girls all over the barn. Uncle Woodrow sat up in the loft, his long legs dangling over, looking down on us and laughing fit to be tied.
Mama and Mrs. Carlton cooked up a big supper with biscuits, fried ham, and green beans, and when Mrs. Carlton came out to the barn to call us in, we were ready for it! She looked about as pretty as I have ever seen her. She had on a yellow and red flowery dress with a wide belt that made her waist look small. Her long hair hung down her back in beautiful waves. The front of it was pinned up on top of her head, so that it covered up the sore, and she looked just like an angel. She reached out to ruffle up Ruby’s hair, and said, “Ruby, you look like you could use some of my special butternut cake. You all go on in and have your supper, and I am going to run over to my house and get it. I just have to put the icing on it, and I will have it back over here in time for dessert.”
Well, supper was delicious, and it was a good thing Mrs. Carlton was late coming back with that cake. We were so stuffed, we barely were able to make room for it. It is too bad Uncle Woodrow did not join us for supper. He sure missed a good one!
Cold, waning days, frozen nights.
Desire fills the air, softening the bitter nights.
My children drown in passion.
Some are fulfilled;
Some drink deep of possibility.
The upright father is filled with pride,
The mother with hope.
The children slumber in their innocence,
But the in-between one aches with loss.
I murmur softly to them all
As the Spirit mourns for those who embrace their rage.
December 11, 1931. At school today, we learned about entrepreneurship. Henry Ford and John D. Rockefeller are entrepreneurs. Miss Weston says that it is entrepreneurs who will pull this country out of the Depression, but Daddy says that the Rockefellers and the Fords are the cause of it, that they built their own riches on the backs of the working man.
I think I agree with Miss Weston. I like to think that I can make my own destiny by being an entrepreneur. Now that I study on it, I think I already am one. I see a need for goods in the community, and I find and sell the needed goods. It is too bad that what I sell is against the law, but then, if it were not, I would not have a business. Daddy says that making whiskey should not be against the law, that the law of nature entitles every man to have the right to use his crops as he sees fit. On the other hand, men like Rockefeller might be acting within the laws of men, but they break what he calls “moral laws.” I think that is the same as breaking the laws of God, but I am not sure what all those are.
It is true that God does not like drunkenness, and to put a fine point on it, my selling whiskey would be wrong if I made people drunk, but I have never seen Pap-pa or Jake Hatton drunk. They just sip, which I do not think is wrong in God’s eyes. In Proverbs, it says, “Give wine unto those that be of heavy hearts.” Everybody has a heavy heart these days. I think this Prohibition law is just wrong. It is making me rich, though, so I will not complain about it.
If I could figure out how to make whiskey myself, I could get rich in a hurry. I would not have to worry so much about when Daddy is going to bring in a new jug, and once word got out, I would have all the customers I could get. All the moonshiners around here weld their stills together with lead, and anybody with any brains at all knows that will poison you. Daddy’s still is copper, and he welded it together with pure silver so that his whiskey is the best in the county. He will not sell it, though, because he says he does not want to go to prison, but I know for good and well he is just too lazy to make more than he and his old cronies can drink. That is all right. If he got in on this, he would run me out of business.
The yarn and paper dolls I ordered from Sears & Roebuck came today. Mama was curious that I got a package, but she did not ask. She knows that Christmas is coming up. The paper dolls look so pretty, it was all I could do not to open them and play with them. I know Beryl will love them! I started working on Sardius’ hat, but I did not get very far before I had to pull all the stitches out and start over again. I think I may have to get Mama or Miss Janey Jo to help me.
December 12, 1931. Daddy got home good and early this morning, and we were right glad to see him. He told us all about being a railroad bull, how there are a lot of roughnecks who jump on after the train is rolling along. They run beside it for a while, then they grab onto a railcar door and jump up into the car like it is the easiest thing in the world. The bulls look out for them to jump on, but there are so many of them, it is hard to catch them all. He kept us all in stitches telling us about the crazy people who ride the trains.
I worked some more on Sardius’ hat, but I think it may be hopeless. I surely will have to get Miss Janey Jo to help. She is an excellent knitter. So is Mama, but I want everything to be a surprise, so I will keep it from her if I can.
I slipped over to Darlene’s house this afternoon after I saw Billy Ray’s automobile running by up on the road, leaving. Darlene and I went up and sat on the roof for a little while, but then Billy Ray came back, so we scampered back over to the tree and down before he could see us. I lit out for home, before I was tempted to tell him what I thought of him for beating Darlene and her mother.
December 13, 1931. Sapphire is sick. She never was very strong, but now she has a snotty nose and she cries all the time, and she coughs. Mama is feeling poorly, too. She was up all night long with the baby, and Daddy ended up going out to the woodshed, then he came back in and started cussing at Mama and Sapphire, too. This morning Mama was a nervous mess, and I could tell she was torn up because she said she was too tired to go to church. I feel so sorry for my mama I could just cry myself. Sometimes I get so mad at Daddy I wish he was dead. We would be much better off without him. But then, I get to thinking about how he tries so hard to be good to us most of the time, and I feel bad about even thinking that.
If Mama had some money, she could take Sapphire to a doctor. Mama generally does not truck much with doctors, especially the one who tends to people in this holler. He is old and hard of hearing, and he does not seem to know much about anything. Mama calls him an incompetent quack. He was tending Mam-ma on the day she died, and he also was tending to Little Harrison when he died. If she got a doctor for Sapphire, she would need to take her into Maryville to find one who knows his business.
I am going to bed now. I am tired because I was up most of last night listening to Daddy carrying on and Sapphire crying.
December 14, 1931
My School Journal, grade 7, Miss Weston’s class
By Pearl Wallace
I am working on Christmas presents because Christmas is right around the corner! I sneak and work on the shirt I am making for my brother Jasper whenever I can, and I work on a tie for my father when Jasper is in the room.
I am making Daddy’s tie with scraps from a pair of Pap-pa’s old suit pants. When Pap-pa was courting his wife, Miss Janey Jo, he used to get dressed up in his finest suit to go see her. It was a long way to go by road, so he would cut across the pasture. One night he was making his way back home, and a big bull got loose and chased him all over the field. He had to jump over the barbwire fence, got tangled up, and tore his trousers to shreds. I am grateful to that bull! These trousers were made of very good wool, and it will make a fine tie for Daddy.
December 15, 1931. It was so cold this morning, and we were all so tired out from being kept awake by Sapphire’s crying that Mama asked Uncle Woodrow to take us to school in the wagon. It felt like a holiday, riding over the icy road. Uncle Woodrow is a great deal of fun. We had a grand time jogging along the old road behind Charley.
We were the first ones to get to the schoolhouse. Miss Weston was very happy to see us. She gave us hot coffee and some biscuits. We had such a grand time! Miss Weston laughed at everything Uncle Woodrow said, and the more she laughed, the funnier he got. By the time the first students got there, we all were just in stiches. I could tell Miss Weston was sad to see our little party come to an end. She walked out to the wagon with Jasper and Uncle Woodrow to say goodbye to them, even though it was past eight o’clock and the students were all at their desks waiting for school to start. It took her a good long while to come back to the classroom, and the boys started acting out something awful while she was gone. Otis Merriweather usually joins in when the boys act out, but today he came over and sat beside me, and when Sam Hutchinson started making fun of us, he turned around and shook his fist at him and told him to get away. Sam backed down right quick because Otis is bigger than he is, and he knows how to use his fists. It is nice to know Sam will leave me alone when Otis is around.
I am mad at Walt Bittertree. Darlene came over to play with me after school today. I ran inside to get us a slice of cornbread, and while I was there, old Walt came in, all in a lather, telling Mama “that little n girl is outside sitting on the porch, looking like she owns the place!” That made Mama and me both mad as blazes, and I almost said something, but Mama put her hand on my head and said, as cool as a cucumber, “Yes, Mr. Bittertree. Darlene is our guest this afternoon. We think highly of her and her mother, and we would appreciate it if anyone who does not share our feelings would not speak disparagingly.”
Old Walt looked like Mama had slapped his face. He just stood there for a minute, turning red, then he muttered something about getting on home and high tailed it out of there. I followed him right out to make sure he did not say anything mean to Darlene as he went by. The nerve of him! Walking right into our house and insulting our friend!
December 15, 1931
Darling Cecilia,
It has been the most wonderful day! My students are all working hard. As it turns out, I love living on my own and having the large Miller house all to myself, and this morning, I had a veritable party for breakfast at the schoolhouse. Woodrow and Jasper Wallace brought Pearl, Sardius, and Beryl to school in the wagon because of the bitter cold, and they got here so early, we had a chance to visit. The time just flew by; we were having such an agreeable conversation! Mr. Woodrow is not only very funny, he is extremely intelligent, caring, and thoughtful, as well as being a perfect gentleman. I am glad we have had the chance to become friends. Of course, friendship is all that we claim. I do not worry about him thinking there is more to our relationship than that.
Jonathan is working very hard on behalf of the Wallace children to get them sponsors to attend school when they have completed their studies here. I have been in contact with Wheaton Academy, and they assure me that scholarships are available to extraordinary students who pass rigorous academic standards. They are sending me the appropriate paperwork now so I can begin the testing.
Cecilia, Jonathan seems quite settled in his opinion that he and I are going to get married sometime after the school term is over, but truthfully, I am not nearly as enamored of him as I once was. Being here has broadened me considerably, and I am no longer so awestruck, now that I have had a chance to see a bit of the wider world. I am even considering staying and making my home here. I could easily buy a place here and support myself modestly from Grandfather’s legacy, for I have discovered that I prefer the simple life in these hills to the more hectic social atmosphere of Chicago. I am thinking I no longer desire the sumptuous life that Jonathan wants to offer me. What would you think if I decided to settle here permanently?
Of course, I would miss you, Jonas and Thomas, and Mother and Father enormously, but we could visit regularly. Perhaps Mother and Father would consider having a summer home here. The area is so appealing that George Vanderbilt has built an enormous estate near Asheville. I have not yet seen it, but I hear it is an architectural marvel. We would not have to be apart for very long. Besides, our family is all beginning to scatter. Jonas will be married this time next year, Thomas will be traveling with the army, and no doubt, you will be marrying soon, as well. We are all finding our paths in life.
These are just thoughts, Cecilia. I have no definite plans, just dreams, and I must say, I do dream sometimes of building a life here.
Hugs and kisses to you, my sweet sister!
Emily
December 16, 1931. I do not miss Daddy while he is at work. It is nice to come home to some peace and quiet when I get back home from school. Darlene and her mother were at the house this afternoon, and so was Miss Janey Jo. Mrs. Carlton was sitting in the rocking chair singing to Sapphire while Mama took a nap, and Miss Janey Jo was in the kitchen cooking up a mess of black-eyed peas and making onion poultices for Sapphire’s little chest. Darlene, Beryl, and I had the best time all afternoon, listening to Darlene’s mother sing and playing hopscotch out on the front porch. Uncle Woodrow came by, and he sat beside Mrs. Carlton and joined in with the singing. They all stayed for dinner. By the time they left, Sapphire was doing better. Mama may not have to take her to the doctor after all.
Since we are studying for exams at school, Miss Weston said we did not need to turn in our Journals next week. That is a relief. It is hard to make up stories to tell when there is so much real life going on around me. We are all very tired from studying and listening to Sapphire cry and cough half the night. Tomorrow is my last exam, so I am going to bed early.
December 16, 1931
Dearest Mother and Father,
I am very much looking forward to coming home for the Christmas holidays! I intend to leave first thing Saturday morning and take a leisurely two days to make the drive. My old schoolmate, Jenny Sunlee, who lives in Indianapolis, has invited me to spend the night with her and her family, which will be perfect. I anticipate I will have a whole afternoon and evening to visit with her and catch up on the events of her life. I am absolutely certain that I do not need Thomas and Jonas to come get me. It would be a waste of their time and of gas. I am, after all, 22 years old, quite an adult, and capable of traveling on my own.
The Reverend and Mrs. Miller also are looking forward to being away over the Christmas holidays. He has recovered well enough to make the journey all the way to Miami, Florida, where he has a cousin who has been badgering them to visit. They say they will be glad to get away from the house for a while, especially since they have grown so attached to me that they will feel quite bereft while I am gone. They are such dears to be so fond. I feel as if they have become as close as a favored aunt and uncle. I miss you, and look forward to seeing you very soon.
All my love,
Emily
December 17, 1931. Today is my birthday! Mama made me a big cake, which used up all the eggs she has been saving for several days. The hens are not laying much because there is not enough daylight to keep them going, so I feel special that she has held back enough eggs just to make me a fancy cake. Daddy was not here to help celebrate, but Pap-pa and Janey Jo came over, and we had a fine time. Pap-pa gave me a hair clip. He glued onto it a beautiful rose that he carved out of pine and dyed red. It looks wonderful on my new hairdo. Jasper gave me a big stick of peppermint, Sardius gave me an embroidered handkerchief, Beryl made me a beautiful card, and Ruby gave me a pretty mussel shell she found. Miss Janey Jo made me a new blouse made out of lawn that is very fine and makes me feel grown up. I will save it for Sundays.
Mama made me the best present. She gave me two beautiful new dresses! She made them out of Mam-ma’s old dresses by taking them apart, then re-cutting them to fit me. One is brown, with white trim. The best part of that one is the white flower Mama made out of a lace handkerchief (also Mam-ma’s) and sewed at the throat. It looks very grown-up and fine. The other one is blue, with a yellow and white collar and cuffs.
Sapphire did not cough once today, I am happy to say. That is her birthday present to me, and I think it is the best one, even better than the dresses.
It has been a very good day.
December 18, 1931. Today was the last day of school before Christmas, and it was special. Miss Weston brought cookies and hot cocoa for all of us! We sang Christmas songs, and there were no lessons at all, except for a Bible lesson. We went outside and cut some pine boughs, then brought them back inside and laid them all around in the windowsills and on the desks. They made the room smell very good! We took turns reading the Christmas Story from Luke, and then we play-acted the scene where Mary and Joseph tried to get rooms at the inn, but were turned away. We had a very good time with the baby doll Miss Weston brought to be baby Jesus.
Otis Merriweather sat down beside me, and no one said a word to us about him being struck on me, so I felt all right talking to him. I told him about how awful Ralph Lee Bittertree was, and he told me about his aunt who is married to a low-down man who beats her, and when his uncles and cousins in his clan over by Madisonville found out, they pummeled the tar out of him. “He’ll never lay another hand on my aunt,” he said.
Otis’ uncle is the Sheriff over in Madison County, so I wondered why they did not sic him on the man. He said it does not do any good to arrest him because the judge will not do anything except tell him to behave better, and it would just make the feller mad and meaner. I think that is a disgrace. The Bible says a man should love his wife like Jesus loves the church, and a man who disregards the words of the Lord is breaking the most important laws, in my opinion. Shame on that judge for not throwing that scoundrel in jail!
I wish the law would protect women against their no-good husbands. It would be nice if Mrs. Carlton could have Billy Ray thrown in jail, but I expect Otis is right that if she tried, it would just make him meaner. A woman just needs to depend on her family to make sure her husband treats her nice. Mama has her daddy only 4 miles away, and even though Daddy has never laid a hand on her, he knows that if he did, she would sic Pap-pa on him. It is nice to know that Otis’ clan also takes care of his aunt. I would expect Sardius and Jasper to do the same for me and my sisters, and maybe Daddy, too, although I am not sure I could depend on Uncle Woodrow. He does not have it in him to be rough.
I wish Mrs. Carlton had brothers or a daddy to help her. Maybe I will talk to Sardius and Jasper about it, and my Pap-pa, too. Maybe I can talk them into coming to her rescue. I hope they would come to Darlene’s rescue, too, and teach both Billy Ray and Ralph Lee Bittertree a lesson they will not forget.
December 19, 1931. I am happy to say that it is the middle of the day, Daddy is home, and he has not had anything to drink. He has two full jugs out in the woodshed and over a dozen jars, and I found another four jars under the house. This is very good because I have a new customer, and think I may be getting another one soon. Walt Bittertree found out I had a business going from Pap-pa, who accidentally let it slip to him when Mr. Bittertree found him sipping the other day. Although I am mad at him for calling Darlene that nasty name and acting like she has no business at our house, I have to set my feelings aside when it comes to business. He bought a half pint from me.
Also, Jake Hatton says he knows of a fellow over in Big Gully who will take all I can get to him. I wonder if Daddy will notice if I siphon off some and replace it with water? I better not try. It would be a shame to lose my only source of revenue just because I got greedy.
This afternoon, Pap-pa took me over to Greenbrier store where I finished most of my Christmas shopping. I got a beautiful pure linen handkerchief embroidered with tiny roses for Miss Weston. It cost 25c. I also got some peppermint candy for Darlene and Ruby. I waited until Pap-pa’s back was turned, and then I was able to sneak and buy him some pipe tobacco. It is Virginia’s Finest, the most expensive brand, but I figure I got most of my money from him, so it is good to give it back. I am not getting a Christmas present for Jake Hatton. He is a pretty good customer, but he is not kin, and I do not count him as a friend.
December 20, 1931. Today was the last day of church before Miss Weston goes home to Chicago for Christmas. It was a beautiful service. Some of the men had come early and had built up a big fire in the stove, and the piney smell from our school decorations was strong in the air. Mixed with the smell of wood smoke, it all seemed delicious. Miss Weston preached on pretty much the same thing she had told us about on Friday. We sang Christmas carols, and then Miss Weston passed around hot chocolate to everyone and handed out peppermint sticks to all the children. It was the best Sunday service to which I have ever been!
She came to Pap-pa’s house for dinner again, which makes me very happy. Daddy always acts like such a gentleman around her when he is sober, so I do not have to worry about him scundering us all. Uncle Woodrow is always a gentleman, and so is Pap-pa. I think Miss Weston enjoys being around us all. Of course, Mama and Miss Janey Jo are very sweet to her, and Uncle Woodrow can keep her laughing about the whole time. She tries to behave ladylike when he gets to teasing her, then her face turns red, and she starts to giggle, then she just busts out laughing. It is good to see her having such a good time with us.
I gave Miss Weston her handkerchief, which made her cry, and then she laughed and said, “Pearl, your handkerchief is coming in handy right now!” as she dabbed at her eyes with it. She is the sweetest lady and the best teacher I ever had.
Daddy did not have a drop to drink all day. Hallelujah!
December 21, 1931. I am glad Darlene and I are free to go back and forth between our houses any time we want to except on Saturday and Sunday when Daddy and Billy Ray are home. Mrs. Carlton and Darlene stay over at our place almost all the time during the week. Mama and Mrs. Carlton cook up a storm, and you never smelled such good smells as what comes out of our kitchen on those days! Uncle Woodrow and the boys say that Billy Ray and Daddy are missing the best parts of the week. It gets dark so early now, we eat supper by lantern light, then sit around in front of the fireplace, play games, and feel as if we are on top of the world.
Sapphire is two months old today. She is doing very well, and Mama seems as fit as ever. I think Mrs. Carlton is good for both of them. Darlene and I are learning French up a storm. Darlene has a head start on me, being Cajun and speaking it since she was a baby, but I am catching up fast. Mama says I have a knack for it. Je suis heureux à ce sujet. That is French for “I am happy about that.”
December 22, 1931. Nous préparons pour Christmas! Jasper, Sardius, and Uncle Woodrow cut down a pretty little cedar and dragged it into the front room, where it takes up a whole corner. It makes the house smell sweet. Mama had a few chestnuts to put in the coals, which she said were likely the last we would get because the blight has pretty much taken out all the chestnut trees around here. We had a good time roasting them and cutting out paper snowflakes for the tree. It was a cozy, happy time. Of course, Mrs. Carlton and Darlene were here to help trim the tree. They brought over a pecan pie that was the best thing I have ever tasted.
I have Christmas presents for everyone, thanks to my business income. Jake Hatton has bought a whole quart of whiskey, for which he paid me cash without arguing about it! Pap-pa buys a half-pint about every month. I do not think Walt Bittertree will be buying very much. I always thought he was a teetotaler, so I was surprised that he wanted any at all. I do not count Jake Hatton’s friend as a customer yet because you should never count your chickens before they hatch. I do not worry that I have spent all my money, though, because I know there is always someone out there who is thirsty.
I have all my Christmas presents ready. For Mama, I have wool mittens that I knitted myself. I made Daddy a bow tie to wear to church. For Jasper, I have a new shirt I made, with Miss Janey Jo’s help. It is blue. Sardius will have a certificate that says “Bravest Brother Award.” He will know that is for taking up for me when Sam Hutchinson called me a name. I also have finished his wool hat, finally! It turned out exactly as I hoped it would. I have paper dolls for Beryl and peppermint candy for Ruby. For Sapphire, I have the beautiful, beautiful pink dress!
I got some peppermint candy for Darlene, but I don’t have anything for Mrs. Carlton except for a card that I have made. I drew a picture of the river view from the top of her roof and colored it with colored pencils. I think it looks very pretty.
For Pap-pa, I have pipe tobacco, and I also will give him a pint of Daddy’s whiskey, but I will slip and do it when nobody is looking. Miss Janey Jo will get three white goose feathers I found and dyed pink with beet juice. They are very pretty, and they will make a fancy touch for her hat.
Uncle Woodrow: I made him a patchwork pillowcase out of bright red, yellow, blue, and white scraps from Miss Janey Jo’s scrap bag. It will look good on his bed.
I already gave Miss Weston a handkerchief.
I am ready for Christmas!
December 23, 1931. Today is the day of the winter solstice, the darkest day of the year. From now on the days get longer and brighter. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve! I can hardly wait!
We have not had snow yet, but it is cold enough to snow. I am hopeful because it is easier for Santa Claus to take off in his sleigh if there is a good snow on the ground, and that makes it more likely that he will make it all the way back to this holler. This year I am hoping he will bring me some rubber boots to wear over my shoes so that my feet do not get wet on sloppy days, but I reckon I would be happy if he would just find a way to keep my daddy from getting drunk, for Billy Ray to stop beating Darlene and her mother, and for my mama and Sapphire to be strong. I know all that is a lot to ask, but we are allowed to dream at Christmastime.
Cold days, icy nights.
The Earth stands immobile and frozen,
But I surge beyond my banks,
Reaching for the Orb who beckons with her silvery cry.
We will dance for days in the splendor.
Joy seeps from the warm houses,
The Spirit smiles to see love flourishing in the stillness.
December 24, 1931. It is Christmas Eve! It is also the full moon, the one the Cherokee call the Full Cold Moon. This will be the third full moon in a row that Daddy has not gone foxhunting. It is like a miracle.
I went over to Darlene’s house to give her and her mother my presents, but they were not home, so I left them on the porch. I hope Billy Ray does not steal them.
December 25, 1931. Joyeux Noël! This has been a wonderful, wonderful day. Daddy came home late last night after we were all already asleep. He brought very many packages with him that Santa had given him to give to us. Daddy says Santa sometimes has a hard time making it all the way back into our holler, and so he brought our presents to Maryville early and gave them to Daddy to give to us.
They were all just wonderful. I did not get my boots, but I got a packet of writing paper and a whole set of colored pencils, new stockings, and some warm gloves. And peppermint candy! And an orange! Everyone loved the presents I gave them, too. Mama wore her mittens all day. She almost did not take them off for dinner. Miss Janey Jo got her best hat and stuck all three goose feathers in it, and then she wore it the rest of the day.
For dinner, we had a huge feast of ham with gravy, biscuits, corn, green beans that Miss Janey Jo had canned over the summer, sweet potatoes, white potatoes, and turnips. For dessert, we had fruitcake with raisins. I think this was the best Christmas we ever had.
Daddy did not drink one drop of whiskey today. Daddy and Uncle Woodrow played for us while we all danced, including Mama. We all took turns dancing with Sapphire, who was wearing the dress I got her. It was too big, but Mama tied a ribbon around it and cinched it in so it looked fine. It will fit her perfectly for Easter.
December 26, 1931. Daddy was sober all day again today, which makes me think that maybe Santa Claus got my message, but I have my doubts because I know things are worse for Darlene and her mother. Darlene came over by herself with goat milk for Sapphire, and some delicious bread that we ate for dinner, but Mrs. Carlton did not come. Darlene does not ever lie to me, but tonight she told a big one. She said that her mother did not come because she would rather stay with her husband when he has been gone all week. We all know that Billy Ray does not give Mrs. Carlton the choice. He will not let her step foot out of the house when he is home.
Darlene did not ask, but she had her nightgown with her, which meant that she was hoping we would invite her to spend the night, which Mama did, even though Daddy gave her the evil eye. Then, when Mama offered to let Darlene take a bath, she turned her down, saying she had already had a bath. That was a lie, also. She is a little stinky. I am afraid she might have some bruises and cuts she does not want us to see. I can tell Mama is thinking the same thing.
We all got quiet, wondering what that mean old Billy Ray is doing to them. It is best to keep quiet in the face of other people’s troubles so they do not think you are pitying them, but I would give anything to make Darlene feel safe and happy.
December 28, 1931. Daddy left early this morning as usual, and Billy Ray did, too, so Mrs. Carlton and Darlene came over for about all day. We played games again, and Mrs. Carlton and Darlene stayed through supper. By then it was time to go milk, so Uncle Woodrow was very nice to walk Mrs. Carlton across the creek. Darlene stayed here to help us do our own chores, and then we waited for Uncle Woodrow to come back so we could keep on with our games, but I reckon he went on to bed up in the loft because he never came back. I wish he would not just disappear like that. At least he does not disappear for long, as he used to. These days he disappears only for a few hours at a time. I suppose we should count our blessings. Darlene is going to stay the night again tonight. That is a blessing!
Cold days, bitter nights
Lovers lie together snug among feathers,
While children play nearby in warmth.
All is safe when the cruel one is away,
But Darkness lies waiting amid the naked greenleaves.
The Earth sleeps, but even in her sleep,
She turns her face toward the bright brother.
I run silent, holding my silver children close.
December 29, 1931. Today was very fun. Beryl, Darlene, and I slept late because we had been up most of the night swapping stories. When we woke up, it seemed very bright outside, and we could hear Jasper, Sardius, and Uncle Woodrow out there laughing and hollering. When we looked out the window, there was snow all over the ground! Of course, we rushed right out to play in it, even before we ate any breakfast. Darlene, who had never seen snow before, could not believe her eyes. She kept picking up globs of it and licking it off her fingers.
We built snow forts and had a big snowball fight. Darlene does not have any mittens, so Jasper was sweet to take his off and give them to her to wear. Then he could not help much with the snowman we made, so he just stood aside, telling us what to do while he kept his hands in his pockets. We put the hat I knitted for Sardius on him, and then Jasper ran in and got Daddy’s kilt, which we got to keep on him for just a little bit because Mama came rushing out the minute she saw it and made us take it right off. She said Daddy would kill us if he knew we were treating his kilt so badly. That made Uncle Woodrow laugh because he thinks Daddy is silly the way he carries on about the Wallace clan and what he calls his “heritage.” Uncle Woodrow does not even wear a bit of tartan pinned to his shirt when he goes to the Highland Games.
Afterward, we made snow-ice cream, which was delicious!
December 31, 1931. This is New Year’s Eve. We are all going over to Pa-pa’s house to spend the night. Even Darlene is going with us. I hope we can stay awake until Midnight to ring in 1932! The fun in the snow is still going on.