How to Shift from External to Internal Validation
Which would you rather? To be the most intelligent person on Earth but considered the stupidest? Or the stupidest person on Earth but considered the most intelligent?
When Bob Dylan was awarded the Nobel Prize in Literature in 2016, he didn’t acknowledge it for weeks. No statement, no interviews. He wouldn’t even take the Swedish Academy’s phone calls. Criticism rained down from all sides. How ungrateful can somebody be? So arrogant! So indifferent! When Dylan finally responded, speaking in an interview with a British newspaper, he dryly observed, “I appreciate the honor so much,” as though the words had been forced into his mouth by a PR consultant. He did not attend the award ceremony—or rather, he was three months late. One can only assume that he couldn’t care less about the world’s most prestigious prize.
Grigori Perelman, born in 1966, is considered the greatest living mathematician. In 2002 he solved one of the seven mathematical “Millennium Problems.” The remaining six are still unsolved. He was selected for the Fields Medal, a kind of Nobel Prize for mathematics—and declined. He even turned down the million-dollar prize money, although he could certainly use it: Perelman is unemployed, living with his mother in a high-rise block in St. Petersburg. Mathematics is all that matters to him. He’s utterly indifferent to what the world thinks of him and his achievements.
When I first started writing, it was important to me to know what other people thought of my books. I delighted in positive reviews and fretted over every word of criticism. I took applause as a measure of my success. At some point during my midforties, however, I had my Bob Dylan moment: I understood that public perception has little to do with the quality of my work. It makes my books no better or worse. Having this insight felt like being released from a prison of my own making.
But back to my initial question. Warren Buffett puts it like this: “Would you rather be the world’s greatest lover, but have everyone think you’re the world’s worst lover? Or would you rather be the world’s worst lover but have everyone think you’re the world’s greatest lover?” In doing so, Buffett outlines one of the ideas most vital to leading a good life: the difference between an inner scorecard and an outer scorecard. Which matters more to you: how you evaluate yourself, or how the outside world evaluates you? “In teaching your kids, I think the lesson they’re learning at a very, very early age is what their parents put the emphasis on. If all the emphasis is on what the world’s going to think about you, forgetting about how you really behave, you’ll wind up with an Outer Scorecard.” And that, as I’m sure you’ve already guessed, is a pretty effective way of scuppering the good life from square one.
The urge to present the best possible image of ourselves is, however, an impulse that runs deep. Which do you think was more important to our hunter-gatherer ancestors, the inner scorecard or the outer scorecard? The latter, of course. Their lives depended absolutely on what other people thought of them, on whether their fellow human beings would cooperate with them or banish them from the group. Ancestors heedless of their outer scorecards would soon have vanished from the gene pool.
The first towns and villages were established approximately ten thousand years ago. Because it was no longer possible for everybody in these settlements to know everybody else personally, taking good care of the “reputation” that preceded you became increasingly important. Gossip assumed the function of personal acquaintance. And gossip has since conquered the world. Next time you’re meeting a friend, keep track: you’ll spend 90 percent of the time talking about other people.
There are understandable evolutionary reasons why we’re so concerned about how we come across to others, but this doesn’t mean it still makes sense today. On the contrary. The opinions of others are far less significant than you think. Your emotional response to changes in your prestige, reputation and appearance are much too highly attuned; or, to put it another way, you’re still in Stone Age mode. Whether they’re praising you to the skies or dragging your name through the mud, the actual impact on your life is considerably smaller than your pride or sense of shame would have you believe. So liberate yourself. Here’s three reasons why you should. First, you’ll be spared the emotional roller coaster. In the long run, you can’t manage your reputation perfectly anyway. Warren Buffett cites Gianni Agnelli, the former boss of Fiat: “When you get old, you have the reputation you deserve.” You can fool other people for a while, but not a lifetime. Second, concentrating on prestige and reputation distorts our perception of what makes us truly happy. And third, it stresses us out. It’s detrimental to the good life.
Concentrating on your outer scorecard has never been more prevalent than it is today. “Social media,” says David Brooks, “creates a culture in which people turn into little brand managers, using Facebook, Twitter, text messages, and Instagram to create a falsely upbeat, slightly overexuberant external self.” Brooks uses the marvelous term “approval-seeking machine” to describe what people can become if they’re not careful. Facebook likes, ratings, followers; they all transmute instant, quantifiable feedback into status—which isn’t even your actual status. Once you’re caught in this web, it’s not easy to extricate yourself and lead a good life.
The upshot? The world is going to write, tweet and post about you whatever it damn well pleases. People will gossip and tittle-tattle behind your back. They’ll heap you with praise and drag you into shitstorms. You can’t control it. But, thankfully, you don’t have to. If you’re not a politician or a celebrity and you don’t earn your money via advertising, then stop worrying about your reputation. Let go of liking and being liked. Don’t Google yourself, and don’t crave recognition. Instead, accomplish something. Live in such a way that you can still look at yourself in the mirror. Says Buffett: “If I do something that others don’t like but I feel good about, I’m happy. If others praise something I’ve done, but I’m not satisfied, I feel unhappy.” That’s the perfect inner scorecard. So focus on that, and treat external praise and censure with friendly, composed disinterest.