Grand Quinquina, Genever, Vodka, IPA Beer
I didn’t move for a while. Next to me Marnie was also still, but it was a sort of rigid, listening immobility that was unnerving. At last the chef stopped talking about pastry and bread making and how many different sorts of cheese there were on board (twenty-one) because he had encountered a technical hitch with the projector. The images of cases of wine being trundled on board the ship had frozen. Golly, there were a lot of them.
There was therefore a bit of a delay as a harassed-looking crew member in a blue boilersuit came on to the stage to try and sort things out, pushing buttons and turning the projector on and off while the chef looked at his watch and muttered.
Marnie reached across and touched my arm with her teeny tiny hand. ‘I want to help you, Alexa. You’re playing with fire. It would be wrong of me not to say something.’
I looked at her. ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about,’ I said at last.
Marnie pulled a sad face and patted my arm again. ‘I think you do. I know it’s embarrassing but I know what he’s like.’
‘What who is like?’ I said, playing for time.
‘Gabriel. Gabriel Frost.’
Down on the stage the chef was starting to get rather annoyed judging by the colour of his face. The original crew member had been joined by two others and all three of them were pressing buttons and sighing and pointing at the side of the stage.
Marnie stood up and gestured for me to follow her. Which, sheep-like, I did.
She walked out towards the cocktail bar and ordered two drinks. I’m not sure what they were except they were pink and rather vicious. Something to do with Polish vodka and raspberries I guessed.
‘Now then,’ Marnie said. She took a deep breath and looked across at me, her beautiful eyes sympathetic and sad. ‘I know Gabriel Frost is an attractive man; we’re all girls here, aren’t we? We can say it like it is. But you need to be careful. I don’t think you know what you’re doing.’
How old was I? Twelve?
‘What do you mean?’ I said with a careless little laugh.
‘I think I know what’s been going on; I’m not blind. I know Gabriel has been making a fuss of you, knowing you to be a bit of an innocent. He can spot things like that.’
Innocent? I don’t think so.
I shook my head and frowned. ‘And?’
‘I guess some might say this was none of my business.’
‘Yes, they might,’ I said sternly, wishing I was almost anywhere else.
She sipped her cocktail and put the glass down on the table before she spoke.
‘He’s only recently divorced. I mean a man as good-looking as that would have been married, wouldn’t he?’
I tried to look nonchalant and thought back to the Nordic blonde I had imagined with the beautiful children and the cool, laid-back, exquisite life. Well, I knew that wasn’t true any more.
‘So?’
‘So he likes to find women like you, naïve women who are impressed by him.’
I took another gulp of my drink. It was icy and very strong. ‘And?’
‘He’s very charming, isn’t he? He’s well known for it. Hell, he even tried it on with me when we first met.’ She laughed. ‘But our relationship is strictly business. The thing is, when he’s got what he wants, he loses interest.’
‘How do you know this?’
She gave a funny little laugh. ‘I know Gabriel. He’s bright and clever and drop-dead gorgeous, isn’t he? You were tempted, weren’t you? He made you think you were different, didn’t he?’
‘Well, yes …’
Marnie’s expression hardened and I knew I’d made a mistake. She had been fishing, guessing before, but now she knew.
‘His wife – and those poor children caught up in it all. Both of them needed therapy after everything. And Elsa was such a sweet person. She didn’t deserve what she put up with. And I’ve got to tell you, his divorce was supposed to have been very unpleasant.’
Her voice had dropped to an appalled whisper.
I reeled back, horrified, and Marnie nodded. ‘I’m afraid so. Elsa was gorgeous, terrifically bright and attractive. I think that’s what Gabriel couldn’t bear. That other men found her attractive. He was always accusing her of something. She was so lovely.’
‘Was? Did he kill her?’ I gasped.
Marnie shook her head and her red hair span out like a flame. ‘No, goodness me, nothing like that. Oh, Alexa, it’s just so hard to talk about. Sure, Gabriel’s a great guy, but he isn’t ready to move on. He’s still hung up on Elsa and you can’t honestly think … well, let’s just say I’ve seen him do it too many times to count and I just wouldn’t want to see it happen again,’ she said, looking sad.
I sat stock-still, my heart rapidly speeding up, as I tried desperately to believe that all I felt for him was lust: nothing serious. But, God, that was a lie.
However, looking at Marnie’s searching eyes, I held it all together. I couldn’t bear for her to know what I felt. So I coolly shrugged my shoulders. ‘It’s nothing serious,’ I said, trying to sound strong.
She reached out and touched my hand, her tone dripping in sympathy. ‘Be careful.’
I could feel the disappointment settling in my stomach like a stone. I realised that despite my best efforts I had been doing what I always did. Imagining that this particular man, this one, could be it. The love of my life, someone I met and fell for who fell in love with me. That magical moment when everything went right for a change.
In years to come, when people asked us how we’d met, he would reach for my hand and smile and we would remember my chucking champagne over him. Hmm, no. Perhaps we would have to remember something else. Like that moment on deck when he kissed me and my legs went all wobbly. The man I had been waiting for.
And now it didn’t feel like that any more. I didn’t feel attractive and exotic; I felt a fool. God, I was an idiot. I should have known better.
‘Hey, are you coming along to my next talk tomorrow? Spring-Clean Your Life? You might find it useful.’
I blinked a bit and forced a smile to my lips. I wasn’t going to give her the satisfaction of seeing she had got to me, not on any level.
‘Yes, sure. India has a bit of seasickness at the moment though. That’s where she is, sleeping it off with some medication. Hopefully she’ll be okay.’
Marnie gasped and reached into her handbag. ‘Look, I have just the thing! Take these – they’re brilliant. And don’t worry about giving them back. I have some spare ones in my suite. They are the best for seasickness.’
She handed me two wristbands and explained how they worked – something to do with pressure points or ley lines; some sort of voodoo. I wasn’t really listening. And then I went back to our cabin to see how India was getting on. My feet seemed heavy and tired now. All the excitement had gone. Instead of walking past Gabriel’s door with the little thrill of anticipation that he might be there, that he might open the door and give me that smile, I was apprehensive, worried in case he did.
*
India was propped up on her pillows sipping some water.
‘Where have you been? I’m bored,’ she said, her lower lip pushed out in a resentful pout.
I shut the cabin door behind me very quietly.
‘I went to a talk on the ship’s catering.’
‘Sounds fascinating,’ she said sarcastically as she lifted her head tentatively off the pillow, before letting it fall again.
‘It was quite interesting actually; did you know the ship gets through six tons of chicken a week? And two tons of sugar?’ I said, keeping my tone as light and encouraging as I could. I’d developed that voice to use at work when a house sale had fallen through at the last minute. I needed to be impartial, unemotional but helpful. It was the only thing I could think of doing at the moment.
‘Strangely enough I didn’t know,’ she said.
‘And on the average seven-day cruise sixty-two thousand alcoholic drinks are consumed. That’s over four alcoholic drinks per passenger per day. And that’s eight times as much as normal,’ I continued, feeling my voice getting strained as I tried to keep hold of my emotions.
‘Yes, that sounds about right,’ she groaned.
I looked over at her. She did still look a bit peaky.
‘How are you feeling?’ For a second I stopped thinking about Gabriel and the conversation I’d just had with Marnie. I held out the wristbands. ‘I saw Marnie and she sent you these. They’re supposed to work on seasickness.’
‘Wow.’ India’s eyes widened as though I was giving her an unparalleled treasure. ‘That’s kind of her.’ And I had to admit it kind of was.
She slipped them on to her wrists and sat up looking thoughtful.
‘Yes, I think they are working. I feel much better already. I must thank her. Where did you see her?’
‘In the talk on catering. She’s giving another talk tomorrow morning, wanted to know if we were going.’
‘Well, yes! Of course! After all we are besties now,’ she said with a smile, shaking her wrists at me with a flourish to display the bands.
I wandered around the cabin, picking up clothes and making half-hearted attempts to tidy up.
‘What’s the matter?’ India said.
‘Nothing.’
‘There’s something, I can tell.’ India got out of bed and pulled on her dressing gown. ‘Yes, I’m definitely feeling better. That’s brilliant. Sometimes the old ways are the best. Now what is it?’
I took a deep breath. ‘Marnie came looking for me and she warned me off Gabriel.’
‘What? Bloody hell. What a cheek! Really?’
‘She talked about his ex-wife. She said he was just using me.’
‘Wow.’ India looked thoughtful. ‘I’d say that was none of her business, but well, you did know there had to be a catch, right?’
‘God, I’m such an idiot. I fell for it again.’
‘Oh, Alexa,’ she said. She put her arm around me awkwardly and we sort of hugged for a bit. We’d never gone in for a lot of hugging.
‘I know, I know, I’m an idiot,’ I said, through tears that had suddenly started flowing down my cheeks. I brushed them away angrily. What was the point in crying?
‘Don’t be silly; of course you’re not an idiot. I mean you always do get your hopes up, don’t you? But is that a bad thing? To hope for something lovely?’ India said, handing me a tissue to mop my eyes. ‘Look, what time is it?’
‘Six-thirty,’ I said mournfully.
‘It’s time we got dolled up. Isn’t it the Black and White Ball this evening? There’s no need to stay here and feel sorry for yourself. So what if Gabriel’s not the forever guy for you; who cares when there are plenty more fish in the sea?’ she trilled, throwing a sequinned gown at me and making me almost smile. India was right, wasn’t she? It wasn’t the end of the world, but somehow I couldn’t get rid of this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I’d thought this time was different.
I hadn’t known I felt so strongly about Gabriel. I hadn’t seen this coming at all. Perhaps we might have concluded our six-day fling with no hard feelings and I would have got over it.
He would have gone back to his life and I to mine. I would sit at my desk opposite Tim, eating Polos, answering the phone, selling houses and working out floor plans. Gabriel would sit in a house overlooking the ocean. I would go to the bakery up the road for a sandwich. He would go to Ken’s Hut for fresh lobster. I would be at the end of my parents’ garden watching the trees lose their leaves. He would wake to see the waves crashing over the rocky coastline.
It wasn’t as though I was going to bump into him in the high street going into Boots. I didn’t even really know what he was actually doing on the ship. He’d said he had intended to leave when we got to Halifax but he hadn’t. He’d stayed on board. Because of me. That’s what he had said. I’d been so thrilled too, so incredibly flattered. But was that really the truth?
Now everything was different. I was being made to look and feel an idiot. I was being tricked and used. Buggeration.
‘Yes,’ I said at last and stood up. ‘Let’s go for it. Let’s get our posh frocks on and go for it. There are only three days left until we get to Southampton. It’s still your hen celebration. I’m not going to let this spoil things.’
India’s eyes were still filled with concern, but her face brightened. ‘Atta girl! Come on, trowel on that slap, do some smoky eyes and get your frock on. The Fisher girls are going out!’
*
We got to the Champs-Elysées dining room without stopping for a cocktail for a change. If we were indeed drinking eight times our normal daily alcohol intake, perhaps it was time to calm down a bit before our livers detonated. India was elegant and floaty in a black chiffon maxi and I think I resembled an oven-ready chicken in a sequinned cocktail dress that was a bit tighter over the arse than I remembered.
Our table companions were already seated, the men in their DJs, Caron in black velvet and Marion in a sequinned top and long skirt. She tugged unhappily at her sleeves.
‘This seems to have shrunk. Does anyone else notice their clothes have shrunk? This skirt is digging in too.’
Marty exchanged a look with Ike.
‘It’s the sea air, honey. It always does that. Something to do with the salt. That’s what I read; it was in the Sunday supplement about six months ago. It causes the cloth fibres to shrink and tighten up. It said when you get back home things will return to normal.’
‘Is that so? Well, good heavens! They should warn people,’ she said as she trowelled butter on to a warm bread roll.
‘Good evening, girls.’ Ike looked up at us as we arranged ourselves in our chairs. He really was such a nice man and I realised how lucky we’d been with our seating. The four of them would help keep my mind off things, I was sure of it. ‘Where have you been?’ he continued heartily.
‘Oh, here and there,’ I said vaguely, sitting down and grabbing for my napkin before the waiter could come along and start flourishing it over my lap like a conjurer. Things that had seemed so special when we first got on the ship were now becoming tedious.
Caron leaned towards us across the table, her up-do sparkling with a diamante pin and a feather. ‘Did you go to the talk on the Titanic? Wasn’t that just amazing? I said to Marty, I wonder if we would have survived if we had been on board? If we’d been in steerage I bet we wouldn’t. Although there wasn’t that business of locking the poor people downstairs while the rich people got off like they did in the film. But then there was that little girl in first class who drowned. Now how on earth did that happen? I wanted to ask the speaker but we were late for something – lunch I expect – and Ike wouldn’t wait.’
She’d barely taken a breath and I found myself smiling. This really was perfect. What with the way Ike ordered wine and Caron talked, I wouldn’t need to think at all. I looked across at India to make sure she was okay. She was chattering away nineteen to the dozen with Marion and examining another of Marion’s dinky little evening bags with what looked like genuine pleasure. In the soft light from the dimmed chandeliers and candles in the middle of the table my sister looked very pretty. I felt a sudden surge of affection for her and something new: admiration for her courage.
‘Well, that speaker must still be on board somewhere,’ Ike said, cheerfully winking at us. ‘I bet you could track him down.’
‘I will! I’ll find him,’ Caron said, a determined glint in her eye.
I couldn’t hold back a little smile. I almost pitied the poor chap and imagined him scurrying away from Caron, darting anxious looks over his shoulder before finding himself cornered behind a lifeboat, stuck explaining himself.
The wine waiter came over with our half-finished bottles of wine – all five of them – and fussed about, filling up our glasses and bringing carafes of iced water. The menu looked even more extravagant than usual with seven courses plus palate-cleansing sorbets and the ever-present threat of spume, jus and edible flowers over everything.
‘Just two more days,’ Marty said, looking wistful, ‘and then we get to Southampton. It’s been such a great voyage.’
‘I can’t wait to see Southampton,’ Marion added between sips of red wine. ‘We’ve been to London, of course, and we liked that, but this is the first time we’ve been to England.’ I nearly laughed but then realised she wasn’t joking. ‘We’ve seen the film about it on the ship’s TV. It looks a quaint little town, a real English sort of place. We have the Hamptons in America where all the wealthy people have summer homes. Is Southampton like that?’ she asked, turning around to India and myself.
I stopped myself from rolling my eyes and took a deep breath. ‘Well, it’s –’
‘Absolutely,’ India cut in, nodding her head. ‘It’s full of history and buildings and stuff. And it’s near the New Forest where Henry the Eighth used to meet up with Anne Boleyn and a couple of his other wives, I expect. There’s a motor museum near there too. It’s probably really interesting.’
I looked at India in shock. I mean I don’t really know much about history, but I’d thought India definitely didn’t know much about anything. Then I remembered her arguing about American politics the other day. What else had she been suddenly coming up with? Never mind; either way, this India was definitely different from the India I remember.
‘Well, is that so? How marvellous!’ said Marion, looking thrilled. ‘We love that sort of thing, don’t we, Marty?’
Marty nodded back at her, his eyes full of excitement. ‘And we thought of a day trip to Scotland while we’re there. I mean it’s not far, is it? I’d like to see Edinburgh.’ He said it to rhyme with iceberg.
‘Scotland?’ I spluttered. ‘How long are you in England?’
‘Two days,’ he said happily. ‘We have a transfer to London, a tour bus around Hampton Palace and somewhere else – Windsor Palace I think. And then we fly home the following night. And it’s not as though we have to get over the jet lag, do we? That’s another good thing about cruises.’ The other three nodded at this and raised their glasses. India and I shared a glance.
‘Plenty of time then,’ India said. I could tell she was trying hard to hide her laughter, but I knew her too well. I pretended I suddenly needed to take a sip of water and nearly choked while trying to keep a straight face.
‘Have you been?’ Caron asked, forking into her seared scallop starter, which had just arrived on the table. As always the food looked incredible and I was surprised to find I was actually hungry, so I started to tuck straight in too.
‘I went to Edinburgh once,’ I said between mouthfuls. ‘I’ve never been so cold. But then it was November.’
‘I wonder why all the men wear skirts then,’ Ike mused, scraping the last of the jus off his plate and casting an enquiring eye towards Caron’s plate.
I spluttered into my wineglass and caught India’s eye. This was going to be fun! And shockingly I hadn’t thought about Gabriel once … Oh, now I’d spoiled it.