HARVEY PRESSED HIS lips to the top of Jack’s head and breathed in his clean baby smell, his stare glued to the door of the party venue for a first glimpse of Della. He’d arrived early at the trendy restaurant near Brody and Amy’s suburb, which had a small function room for events. His house was too big and too quiet now that he knew not only that he was going to be a father, but that Della wanted nothing more to do with him beyond some depressing shared custody arrangement.
She’d rejected him, as much as told him he wasn’t good enough for her to risk her heart, that she could never love a man like him. And he couldn’t even be angry, because maybe she was right.
‘Are you nervous?’ Brody asked, reaching for his son.
Nervous? He was bereft. Della might as well have ripped his heart out of his chest last night and looked down on it with disappointment. He wasn’t enough for her, even after everything they’d shared, even when he’d offered to give her everything he could, even when they’d made a child together.
‘I’m not nervous,’ he reassured Brody, chilled to the bone, because he was so gutted by her rejection he couldn’t even be properly excited by the news of his baby. ‘I’ll be fine.’ If fine meant desolate, inadequate, helpless like never before.
‘The others are risking being late,’ Brody said about Della and Mr and Mrs W, looking slightly harassed. He bounced on the balls of his feet to keep the baby happy.
‘Should I call Della?’ Harvey asked, tension tightening his shoulders. ‘Find out where they are?’ Maybe they were having car trouble. Maybe Della was ill or there was something wrong with the baby. He’d give her two more minutes, and then he was going to look for her.
Brody scoffed, handing the baby his phone to stop him fussing. ‘You calling her would only make her grumpy. We don’t want bickering today of all days.’
Harvey rubbed a hand down his face in frustration. Was his friend truly that blind? Why had he never noticed the way Harvey felt about Della? The way he’d always felt? Was Harvey that good at hiding his feelings? Because now, when it was over between them, when he’d finally realised that he’d fallen deeply in love with Della in Fiji, he could finally admit that those feelings had always run deep inside him, waiting for the timing to be right. Except nothing was right without Della.
‘Haven’t you ever stopped to wonder why Della and I are always at each other’s throats?’ he snapped, taking his frustration out on his clueless friend.
Brody shrugged, distracted. ‘You’re just too different, that’s all.’
‘That’s not all.’ He couldn’t do it any longer, pretend that he wasn’t crazy about her, that he just wanted sex or friendship or some depressing co-parenting situation. He wanted Della. ‘This might be hard for you hear,’ he said, past the point of no return, ‘but I’ve always fancied your sister.’
Brody looked up, startled.
‘When I first met her,’ Harvey continued, ‘I was in such a bad place, I knew I couldn’t act on it without hurting her or messing up our friendship.’
‘My sister?’ Brody gaped in disbelief.
Harvey nodded and gripped the back of his neck, his panic mounting. ‘I’m in love with her,’ he said in a rush. ‘She’s the one I care about. She’s the reason everything has changed for me.’ She was worth this sickening feeling of fear and inadequacy that made him feel eight years old again.
Brody’s eyebrows shot up, and then a slow grin spread over his face. ‘Harvey Ward finally falling in love, and it’s for my little sister?’
Harvey shook his head and paced away in disgust. ‘I shouldn’t have told you,’ he muttered foully. This was serious. He loved her and he’d lost her because she couldn’t believe in him, couldn’t want him, couldn’t choose him.
‘Don’t be like that,’ Brody said, sobering. ‘Does she love you too?’
Harvey shot his friend an incredulous look. ‘Don’t be stupid. She’s an intelligent woman. She could never take me seriously, and she’s probably right not to. I don’t know the first thing about committed relationships. And I don’t want to let her down or hurt her. She’s been through enough.’ Della was scared, too. Scared to trust her instincts, scared to be hurt again, scared to want her dreams. Why would she take a chance on a beginner like him, especially now that they had their baby to consider? But he’d keep that part of the story to himself for now.
‘That bickering you two always do, you know that’s two-sided, right?’ Brody said, as if he’d completely missed the point Harvey was trying to make.
‘Yeah, so?’ Harvey checked the time, frantic now for Della to arrive so he could ensure she was okay.
‘Duh...’ Brody said, as if reverting to a teenager. ‘Della’s always had a bit of thing for you. I used to tease her about it. I never told you, obviously, because...you know...she’s my sister.’
Harvey shook his head, in no way comforted. Just because she’d always fancied him, just because they were great together physically, didn’t mean she was ready to trust him, of all men, with her massive heart. She wasn’t even ready to be his colleague, to raise their baby with him, to give him a chance to forge a proper relationship. She didn’t want him, and there was nothing he could do to change that.
‘It doesn’t matter,’ Harvey said, too heartsore to explain the details. ‘She wants us to be friends.’ To raise their baby together but nothing more.
Brody frowned, sceptically, realisation seeming to dawn. ‘You haven’t told her, have you? That you’re in love with her.’
Harvey winced, his chest too small for his lungs. ‘I tried...last night...’ But he hadn’t been able to get the words out. A part of him, the part that had shut down any emotional connection for the past twenty years, still worried he was unworthy of love, especially the love of a woman as amazing as Della.
‘Seriously?’ Brody asked, inching closer and lowering his voice. ‘Don’t try, just tell her.’
Harvey curled his hands into fists. Would she care when she’d already decided a relationship with him wasn’t enough? Was he setting himself up for another slap of rejection if he told her his true feelings? Was he at risk of not just losing Della, but also of their chance to be parents who got along and respected each other?
‘Don’t be stupid, man,’ Brody pressed. ‘She’s flying back to Auckland tonight. If you don’t tell her today, you might regret it.’
Harvey nodded numbly, his brain firing normally for the first time this weekend. Of course he would regret it. He loved Della, and she needed to know. Even if she could never take him seriously or love him back, he should tell her how she’d made him believe in love again.
‘I’m going to find her,’ he said, heading for the exit without waiting for permission.
‘Don’t be late,’ Brody called after him. ‘My son is counting on you.’
Graham Wilton pulled into the last available parking space outside the restaurant where Jack’s naming day party was taking place and turned off the engine.
Della’s stomach lurched with despair and anguish. How would she face Harvey today and not completely break down? She’d hurt him last night. Thrown his offer of dating back in his face. Rejected him, just like his mother.
‘Can you give us a moment, darling?’ Della’s mother said to her husband from the passenger seat. ‘I just need a word with Della.’
Della shifted in the back seat of the car, checking her watch. ‘We’re cutting it pretty fine, Mum.’ The last thing she needed when she was feeling so bereft was her mum digging around in Della’s head.
‘This won’t take long,’ Jenny said, popping her seat belt and turning to face her daughter. ‘Especially if you just come out and tell me what’s wrong instead of denying it.’
Della sighed, glancing down at her hands twisting in her lap. Of course her mother would pick up on her mood. ‘Nothing’s wrong,’ she started, scared that if she began the story, she’d cry and ruin Jack’s photos with her blotchy red face. She looked up, met her mother’s sympathetic stare. ‘I’m pregnant, that’s all.’
Jenny’s hand gripped Della’s. ‘That’s wonderful news. I’m so happy for you. Are you feeling okay?’
Della nodded robotically. ‘I’m fine. It’s very early. Obviously it’s Jack’s day, and I don’t want to tell anyone else yet.’
Jenny nodded, her astute expression turning curious. ‘Who’s the father?’
Della dragged in a deep breath. This was the tricky part. The risk of breaking down and confessing to her mother that she’d stupidly fallen in love with Harvey Ward. ‘It’s Harvey.’
Her mother’s eyes widened. ‘Our Harvey?’
‘Of course, Mum. I don’t know any other Harveys.’ Now that she’d told him her news, now that she’d protected her heart and put the baby first, now that she’d relied on her instincts and refused to settle for less than she deserved, she was supposed to feel better. But if anything, she felt worse. She’d barely slept a wink last night, replaying that last conversation over and over until nothing made sense. Reliving the hurt in Harvey’s eyes. The rejection and the heartbreaking acceptance, as if he’d been expecting it all along.
‘Oh, my...’ Jenny said, with a flash of respect. ‘I didn’t know you two were—’
‘We’re not,’ Della said flatly. ‘It happened in Fiji.’
Jenny nodded, knowingly. ‘Of course. Well, he’s always liked you.’
Della looked up, her heart withering a little more. If only he could do more than like her. If only he wanted more than a try it and see relationship. If only he could love her. ‘Yes, well, I just want to get through today, so if you could not mention it to Dad or Brody or Amy, and maybe stop looking at me like that.’
‘Like what?’ Jenny asked innocently. ‘Like I’m about to ask what your plans are?’
‘Exactly.’ Della sighed as Jenny waited for her to elaborate. ‘My plan is to go back to New Zealand and have a good long think,’ she said, caving to pressure. ‘My plan is to focus on raising my baby, with as much input from Harvey as he wants, obviously.’
‘And what about you and Harvey?’ Jenny asked, a flicker of sympathy in her eyes. ‘What about having a relationship?’
‘Come on, Mum. This is Harvey,’ Della said, glancing out of the car window to stop herself from crying. ‘He’s not really ready for a relationship, not that I can blame him. But the most important thing for all of us, him, me and the baby, is if we’re...friends.’
Jenny frowned, her eyes full of questions. ‘But you’re in love with him.’
‘I am.’ The admission should have filled her with joy.
‘How is that going to factor into your friendship?’
Della ducked her head in shame. ‘Obviously it’s not. I’ll get over it. I’ll put the baby first, and I’ll be fine.’
Jenny nodded in agreement. ‘Yes, you will. But you won’t have everything you’ve ever wanted. Does Harvey know that you’re in love with him? Have you told him how you feel? Because if you really love him, it’s not just going to go away, and he deserves to know something so important.’
Della shook her head, her eyes burning. ‘No. I... I didn’t think it was relevant. We still want different things.’
Except what had Harvey meant when he’d said ‘good old Harvey couldn’t possibly be anything serious, least of all a husband’?
‘Harvey thinks he wants to try and have a relationship,’ she went on, more confused than ever, ‘but I can’t be his trial run, putting my feelings on hold, loving him but waiting around to see if a relationship is what he genuinely wants. I just can’t.’ It would destroy her.
‘But if you haven’t told him how you feel and what you want, you haven’t really given him a chance to step up, have you?’ Jenny tilted her head, seeing way too much for Della’s liking. ‘What if he needs to know that you love him? What if he loves you too?’
Della glared, her heart in her throat. Of course, Harvey needed to be loved as much as the next person, perhaps more so after everything he’d been through. She shook her head even as hope rushed through her like an electrical storm. ‘He can’t love me. He’s spent most of his adult life shutting down, keeping people out.’
Jenny smiled sadly. ‘And you’re still scared to want it all in case you make another mistake.’
Della swallowed, sick to her stomach. Had she written Harvey off too soon, because she was still scared to trust her judgement, still settling for less than she deserved? Still terrified to reach for all of her dreams? Had she unfairly judged him, rejected him the way his mother had, when in reality, she loved and wanted every inch of him, even if he didn’t love her back?
‘You’ve always been scared to fail,’ Jenny said, squeezing Della’s fingers. ‘I blame myself and your father. We inadvertently created a very competitive household. But your drive is your strength. Don’t let one relationship failure hold you back from having everything you want. Tell Harvey how you feel and give him a chance.’
Della nodded numbly, feeling stupid. A small, building sense of panic was choking her. Her mother was right.
‘Come on,’ Jenny said, opening the passenger side door. ‘We’d better go inside. The ceremony is about to start.’
Della slammed the car door and rushed inside the venue. Was she too late to undo the damage she’d inflicted last night when she’d hurt both Harvey and herself with her fear? Her mother was right. Harvey deserved to know that she loved him, even if he couldn’t return her feelings. To know that, of all men, Della chose him.