THE FOLLOWING AFTERNOON, sitting at the front of the two-person kayak with Harvey behind, Della sliced her paddle through the clear sapphire-blue water, a sense of relaxed contentment flooding her system. Maybe it was the warm sun on her back or the salt in her drying hair after their swim. Maybe it was the wonders of the coral reef marine life, the clownfish and the butterflyfish they’d seen while snorkelling. Maybe it was the thrill of beating Harvey back to the kayak in a swimming race and the steamy victory kiss she’d claimed when he’d finally caught up.
Della glanced over her shoulder and caught Harvey’s eye. A goofy smile tugged at her cheeks. Maybe it was all those things combined with extreme sexual satisfaction.
‘It’s so beautiful here,’ she said, steering the kayak back across the lagoon towards the white sandy beach of Tokuma Island, a picture-perfect tropical oasis accessible by water taxi from the main island and home to an adults-only holiday resort.
‘Hmm,’ he agreed, his superior strength propelling the kayak forward. ‘Better late than never.’
Della nodded, a small part of her wishing they’d spent their postponed afternoon off in bed. She couldn’t seem to get enough of Harvey Ward. The minute he’d arrived to pick her up for their island adventure that morning, she’d dragged him inside her bungalow and kissed him senseless. One thing had rapidly led to another. They hadn’t even made it to bedroom this time, simply collapsed onto the sofa, tugging frenziedly at each other’s clothes.
‘I’ve had the best afternoon,’ Della said, sighing happily as she recalled burying her face against the side of Harvey’s neck and crying out her orgasm while Harvey had groaned, crushing her in his arms as he climaxed. Was there any better way to relax than sun, sea and sex? But no matter how hard she tried to compartmentalise their physical relationship, she couldn’t help but enjoy Harvey’s company—his dry sense of humour, his geeky encyclopaedic knowledge of most subjects, the playful challenge he brought to everything like a dash of spice, keeping life interesting.
Reminding herself to also embrace caution—she couldn’t get carried away and forget that he was still the same old Harvey—Della steered the kayak into the shallows. They climbed off and tugged it up onto the sand near the rental place—a palm-roofed shack filled with paddles and snorkel gear. They returned the masks and snorkels to the used bin and headed up the beach for the shade of one of the palm leaf umbrellas dotting the shoreline.
At her side, Harvey took Della’s hand. She smiled over at him, the breath catching in her chest. She’d been nervous about spending too much time with him, but Fiji Harvey seemed like a completely different man to his Australian counterpart. He was fun and caring, and she had to constantly remind herself that he’d never actually been a boyfriend. His romantic gestures were merely a pretty irresistible form of sexual foreplay.
‘I brought some snacks,’ Harvey said as they sat on the warm sand. He opened his small backpack to reveal some crackers, a pack of nuts and two apples. ‘We need to keep our energy up.’ He winked, his suggestive smile sending Della’s body molten.
‘See, no matter how hard you try to hide it, you are a good guy,’ she teased, opening the roasted almonds and popping one into her mouth, touched by his thoughtfulness.
‘It’s true.’ Harvey shrugged and took a giant bite from one of the apples. ‘That must be why Brody and Amy have asked me to be Jack’s mentor for his naming day. I wasn’t sure if they’d told you yet.’
He watched her carefully. Obviously he knew that Della had also been asked to mentor Jack, the equivalent of a godparent. Della nodded, not in the slightest bit surprised by Brody and Amy’s choice. Harvey was Brody’s best friend. Of course he would ask him to be there for his only son. But that meant, like it or not, she’d definitely see him again in three weeks’ time. By then, their holiday fling would be a distant memory, although it would be hard to forget days like today, when they’d not only had great sex but also had fun and laughed together, making brand-new memories.
‘I can’t wait for Jack’s naming day,’ Della said, taking a long drink from her water bottle. ‘As his aunt and his mentor, I’ll have two excuses for cuddles. Don’t tell my brother, but I might even steal him and smuggle him back to New Zealand.’ She laughed, but a niggle formed a knot in her chest. She was happy for Brody and Amy, but newly divorced, it had been hard to hear their pregnancy news and not feel a massive pang of longing, as if yet again she was being left behind.
‘I’m looking forward to it, too,’ Harvey said with an easy smile combined with that hungry stare of his.
‘Really?’ she asked, trying to picture Harvey holding her baby nephew, who was coming up to six months old. Jack had one bottom tooth and an adorably gummy smile. ‘You’ve never struck me as the kids type.’
Harvey glanced her way, his expression unreadable. ‘I like kids just fine. Small, cute humans—what’s not to love?’
Della’s pulse pounded with excitement as she watched him polish off the rest of the apple. There was something sexy about the way Harvey ate. Of course, there was something sexy about his every move, but she’d never have guessed he’d be comfortable around kids. But thinking about Jack’s naming day left her wondering if she and Harvey could successfully ignore their fling once it was over, as they had last time. The idea that they’d revert to bickering strangers doing their best to ignore each other left her unsettled. She didn’t want that. Maybe they’d finally become friends once this sexual chemistry had run its course?
She watched a droplet of water trail a path down his toned and golden abs. Nope, having Harvey as a friend seemed unlikely. Or would they still hook up every now and then, before Della moved on to a new relationship?
‘Contrary to what some people believe,’ he said, distracting her from how exactly their relationship would work in the future, ‘I even possess a heart.’ He shot her a teasing glance, and stowed the apple core in a paper bag.
Guilt left her flushed. ‘I guess we didn’t really know each other very well before Fiji,’ she said, lying down beside him on the sand, where he was propped up on his elbows. She rested one hand on his chest, brushing at the grains of golden sand that glinted on his skin.
‘I guess we didn’t,’ he said, lying back and pillowing one bent arm under his head. ‘I’m glad we finally got the chance to know each other better.’ His other hand came to rest on hers, his intense stare shifting over her face.
Della’s belly fluttered as if he’d hungrily scoured every inch of her bikini-clad body. She recognised that look, and his touch, no matter how innocent, never failed to turn her on.
‘You know,’ he said, falling serious, ‘I did have a relationship once, a girlfriend, before I met you and Brody. I wanted you to know, because...you know, relationships aren’t easy, for anyone.’
Della stiffened, gaped, completely at a loss for what to say. Her fingers stilled in his dark chest hair, the rapid thud of his heart under her palm telling her this was hard for him to confess. And was he reassuring her again because she’d told him how her divorce had made her feel like a failure? But Harvey...a girlfriend? He was Harvey. Never short of offers but always alone at couple times—Christmas, birthday celebrations, holidays.
‘Did you love her?’ she asked finally, her raging curiosity an uncomfortable gnawing in the pit of her stomach. Was that what he’d meant when he’d said being vulnerable with another person was a brave gamble? Had Harvey had his heart broken and subsequently turned his back on commitment? How had she never known this about him? And why should it matter? She wasn’t jealous. It was just that the more time she and Harvey spent together, she realised that she didn’t really know him at all.
As if he regretted the impulse to share this with her, Harvey sat up, rested his arms on his bent knees and looked out to sea. ‘I don’t know...maybe.’
Well, that was vague. The easy, laid-back vibe they’d enjoyed all afternoon while they’d swum and snorkelled the reef departed. That jealousy she’d denied a moment ago slid through Della’s veins like fire. Harvey in love? A secret relationship he’d kept from her. Did Brody know?
‘What happened?’ Della softly asked, scared to pry but even more scared to miss this opportunity to know him better, because in light of his revelation, they seemed like strangers again. ‘Did she break your heart?’ Was that why he was slow to admit he’d loved this girl? Was that why he’d avoided relationships all these years? It seemed like an extreme reaction, but she didn’t want to judge.
‘Kind of...’ He sighed, keeping his back turned.
‘Well, I can understand why you’d be reluctant to confide in me,’ Della said. ‘After the way I’ve judged you in the past. If it’s any consolation, I regret that now.’ Della lay stiffly on the sand, shame holding her tongue. She’d assumed that he was happy with casual sex, but now it seemed that the reality might be much more complex. He had been in a relationship once. He’d probably loved someone and had his heart broken. Brody was right—Harvey did possess hidden depths.
‘It’s not that,’ he said, turning to face her, his expression stoic. ‘It’s just hard to talk about. She died in a car collision aged twenty-two. She was a medical student like me. Her name was Alice.’
Della sat up, covered her shocked gasp with her hand, her heart twisting painfully at the tragic news. ‘I’m so sorry, Harvey. I had no idea.’
‘It was a long time ago.’ Harvey shrugged, returned his gaze to the sea. ‘Brody knew that I didn’t like to talk about it. I know he’s a know-it-all as a brother, but as a friend, he’s very loyal.’
Della’s mind reeled. She understood that Brody would keep Harvey’s secret, but she wished she’d known this vital piece of information sooner. In context, it painted tortured Harvey in a whole new light. He must have really loved this girl. Were heartache and grief the reasons a younger Harvey, the man she’d first met and taken an instant dislike to in a love-hate kind of way, had played the field? Had loving and losing Alice had a profound effect on him, so he avoided further pain by avoiding commitment?
Della swallowed, her throat burning with regret and jealousy. ‘Is Alice the reason that you don’t date?’ she asked in barely a whisper, some part of her needing to know if he was still in love with this woman. Still grieving. Still heartbroken.
‘It’s not that cut and dried,’ he said, keeping his back to her. ‘I didn’t wake up the next day and make a conscious decision that I was done with relationships for good. It just kind of happened that way.’ His shoulders tensed. ‘We’d been together a couple of years,’ he continued, his voice tight. ‘And although it probably wouldn’t have lasted, I was devastated to lose her like that, so...suddenly. So pointlessly.’
‘Of course you were. Who wouldn’t be?’ Della reached out and placed her hand between his shoulder blades. Yes, their relationship was about sex, and this Harvey, a complex man hiding a vulnerable side, was a stranger to her, but she couldn’t help but comfort him the way he’d tried to do for her at Savu’s last night after she’d admitted details of her divorce.
But why wouldn’t it have lasted? She desperately wanted to ask, but maybe she’d pried enough. Instead, she pressed her lips to his sun-warmed shoulder, her eyes stinging with emotion. Everything she’d assumed about this man had shattered like glass. He wasn’t arrogant and competitive; he was dedicated and driven. He wasn’t carefree and single; he was protecting himself. He wasn’t two-dimensional; he was complex.
‘I guess when the shock and grief faded,’ he went on, ‘it seemed easier, less effort, to keep my relationships superficial. No need to tell a one-night stand about your sad past. I didn’t want to talk about it anyway, even if someone had asked.’
Della caressed his shoulder, too emotional to say anything. Why hadn’t she asked? Instead, she’d taken him at face value, ridiculed his choices and used him for sex. Twice.
‘I focussed on work,’ he said, shooting her a wry smile. ‘Before I knew it, one year had turned into another and another. By the time five years had gone by, I’d developed casual dating habits—keeping it light and impersonal, having a good time and moving on—that didn’t seem to have any downside.’ He glanced over his shoulder. ‘You know that saying—“if it’s not broken, don’t fix it”?’
Della nodded in understanding.
‘Well, that encompassed my personal life.’ He shifted, lay back down on his side, pulling Della down too. ‘I guess I just never found a good enough reason to change,’ he said, although Della wondered if he might be holding something more back.
He propped his head on one hand, and she mirrored his position so they faced each other in the shade of the umbrella. ‘Because relationships are risky,’ she said flatly, knowing all about the pitfalls of loving someone and having your heart broken. But whereas Della hoped to find love again in the future, Harvey had found the perfect solution to protect his heart—staying single. He’d never met a woman it was worth risking the status quo for, or he just didn’t see that anything was lacking in his personal life, or he was happy with the sacrifice if it meant avoiding pain.
‘Don’t you ever get lonely?’ she asked cautiously, looking down at their clasped hands where his thumb slid against her skin, raising goose bumps on her arm. She doubted she could do what Harvey had done, stay alone all these years. She loved being part of a couple, having someone to share things with, someone who just understood you. Until it went wrong...
‘How can I be lonely surrounded by Wiltons?’ he said with a small smile, distancing himself from the question and the heavy turn in the conversation.
Della couldn’t blame him for putting up emotional barriers. She’d done the same last night when he asked about Ethan.
‘So you see,’ he said, a twinkle of humour coming into his eyes, ‘I’m not heartless. I’m just stuck in my ways. Lazy.’
Della entwined her fingers with his, desperate to ask all the questions building inside. By avoiding long-term relationships, he was keeping himself safe, yes, but wasn’t he also missing out on connection, on knowing someone on a deep level as much as they knew him?
‘Lazy or scared?’ she asked, looking up. She could fully relate to the latter. Putting herself back out there in search of a relationship, of the right man, often seemed too monumental to contemplate, but unlike Harvey, she didn’t want to be alone forever.
‘You’re probably right,’ he said. ‘Although my explanation puts me in a better light.’ As if he wanted to draw a line under the topic, Harvey leaned close and pressed his lips to hers, the heated kiss almost enough of a distraction to end the conversation.
His hand rested on her waist, his tongue sliding against hers. Della sighed, turned on by his touch but still reeling from everything she’d learned about him in the past few days. It was as if she hadn’t known the real Harvey at all, as if she’d filed him away in a mislabelled box to keep herself safe from her feelings, and now she needed to re-examine them in the cold light of day. No, there were no feelings beyond attraction and respect. Feelings had no place in their fling.
Pulling back, she rested her forehead against his, breathing hard. ‘I understand the fear, you know, the emotional gamble of being vulnerable with another person. Why do you think I haven’t bothered with dating since the divorce? I’ve had my fingers burned, and I’m in no rush to go through that again. It’s as if my instincts, my judgement took a massive hit.’ That part of her that hadn’t seen her marital problems coming was terrified to let another person close, terrified to get it wrong, again. Although her time for meeting the one, for falling in love and starting a family, was running out. She’d be forty in two and half years.
‘I can understand that.’ His searching stare flicked between her eyes, so Della wanted to hide behind her sunglasses. He cupped her face. ‘But you deserve to be happy. You deserve to have it all, Della, if that’s what you want.’
Della nodded, her throat hot and achy. To be seen for the first time since her divorce, and by Harvey of all people... She did want it all, but having what she wanted wasn’t straightforward.
‘Knowing what you want is the easy part,’ she said with a sad laugh, looking down at their clasped hands to hide her eyes from him. ‘It’s finding someone who wants the same as you that’s tricky. I’ve already got that wrong once.’ She didn’t want to think about her ex, not lying here hand in hand with Harvey, when they were finally sharing something personal, when she felt so close to him. But now that she knew his reason for avoiding relationships, their differences were more obvious than ever. It wasn’t that Harvey wanted to be single. It was that he didn’t ever want the risk of a relationship, and to eternally romantic and hopeful Della, that was the most depressing thing she’d heard for a long time.
‘It will happen,’ Harvey said, an encouraging smile in his eyes. ‘You have everything going for you—a great career, an awesome personality, this sexy body...’ His smiled stretched, but then he sobered. ‘Just don’t settle for less than you deserve, okay?’
Della nodded, confused that Harvey, of all people, understood her so well. Had she compromised too much and settled with Ethan? Had she, over time, allowed her ex’s dreams to eclipse and squash her own? It hadn’t felt that way at the time, but by then end of their marriage, he’d changed. He’d sold her a fairy tale and rewritten the happy ending.
‘You deserve to be happy too,’ she said tentatively, too scared to know if he was still in love with Alice. ‘What does that look like for you? Being alone forever?’ Her pulse pounded so hard, she feared he might feel it in her fingers. This degree of emotional intimacy was uncharted territory for them.
‘I don’t think about forever.’ He shrugged, his stare untroubled. ‘I just know that right now, my life is good. I’m in control. Why would I mess with that?’
‘Ah...the control freak again,’ Della said, trying to make light of it even as her heart sank. She told herself she was disappointed for Harvey, because surely everyone wanted to be in love? To share their life with someone? To feel deeply connected to another human being? But maybe for Harvey, control of his emotions was more valuable. And a part of her could understand.
‘Don’t feel sorry for me,’ he said, tugging on her hand and steering them back to playful territory. ‘I do all right with ladies, as you know.’ He winked, drew her close, captured her lips in another searing kiss that fogged her mind and silenced all her questions.
Bewildered by what she’d learned, Della surrendered to his kiss, her lips parting, their tongues gliding. There was no point stressing Harvey’s choices. The two of them were there to have a good time, not to build a relationship, even a friendship. If nineteen years of casual sex hadn’t helped him get over Alice, what chance did Della have in two weeks? He wasn’t hers. He wasn’t anyone’s. If she became distracted by the real Harvey, the man she was coming to understand more deeply every day, she might forget to focus on their physical relationship. She might forget how they still wanted different things, and likely always would.
She gripped his biceps and lost herself, her body sliding closer to his until her breasts grazed his bare chest and their thighs touched. As their kisses built in intensity, she grew aware that she was only wearing a bikini and Harvey board shorts. They were on a public beach on an island popular with snorkellers. They might be in paradise, but they weren’t alone.
Breaking away, she calmed her excited breathing. ‘We should, um, head back. The last water taxi is at seven.’
Harvey nodded, sliding his legs from the tangle of hers with a wince. ‘Just give me a second.’
She smiled, glancing at the bulge in his shorts. When he was ready, they gathered up their belongings and walked hand in hand towards the resort and the dock for the water taxi. As she sat snuggled into him on the boat, her back to his front and his arms around her waist, Della was stunned by how little she’d known Harvey before and how much they had in common beyond their jobs. This man, the dedicated doctor protecting his vulnerable heart, was way more dangerous to her than the carefree ladies’ man she’d easily dismissed for close to twenty years.
But Della still wanted the future she’d been denied—love, marriage, a family. And when she finally overcame her fear, when she was finally ready to risk her heart again, she couldn’t afford to make another mistake. Next time she fell in love, she needed to get it right.