TWO DAYS LATER, jittery with nerves, Harvey walked behind Della, his hands covering her eyes as he guided her into the luxury villa he’d booked for their final night in Fiji.
‘Ready?’ he asked, sucking in the scent of her freshly washed hair and her light floral perfume, his heart thumping with bittersweet excitement.
Della nodded, her hand gripping his arm. ‘You’d better not have brought me to see one of those giant coconut crabs, because that’s not funny.’
‘Would I do that to you? You hate crabs,’ Harvey said, his doubts building because romance wasn’t his strong point. ‘Now, keep your eyes closed until I say so.’ He removed his hands from her eyes and stepped around Della, positioning himself so he could see her reaction. ‘Okay, open them.’
Della blinked, quickly glanced his way and then took in the room, which was scattered with flickering tea light candles. The French doors opened to reveal their own private veranda with an in-ground infinity-edged spa pool that overlooked the sea views.
Her eyes widened, and her hands covered her mouth. ‘Oh... It’s so beautiful. This is so thoughtful of you, Harvey.’ She reached for him, her smile worth a hundred words.
Harvey snaked his arm around her waist, drawing her into his arms, relief flooding his system. ‘We’ve had such a busy week, we deserve a treat on our last night. Do you want to have a soak in the spa before we eat?’
‘Definitely,’ she said, her eyes full of excitement and laughter as she kicked off her sandals and reached for the hem of her dress. Underneath, she wore the pink bikini he loved. While Della climbed in the spa, Harvey hastily tossed aside his shirt, poured two glasses of wine and then joined her.
The water was warm, the sounds of the sea and the Fijian insect life from the surrounding forest soothing background noise. But not even Della’s obvious delight could chase off the hollowness deep at the centre of his chest. A huge part of him didn’t want to go home. So many times this week, he’d almost raised the subject of them seeing where this relationship could go, and each time, he’d chickened out, kept his mouth shut, his doubts that he could form a committed relationship building. But his head couldn’t seem to let the idea go.
‘To two weeks in paradise,’ Harvey said, making a toast to remind her how far they’d come in such a short time.
Della touched her glass to his, her eyes bright. ‘Who’d have thought that being stuck with each other would turn out to be so...rejuvenating.’ Before he could comment, she playfully sat astride his lap, resting her arms on his shoulders, leaning in to press a kiss to his lips.
Harvey savoured the contact, his heart thudding wildly. Della seemed to be handling their final night better than him, not that it was a competition. But where he was desperate to talk about the future, to voice his feelings and find out what she was thinking, Della seemed to be intent on keeping things light. It left him wondering if his instincts were way off. That if he tried to talk to her about them, she might dismiss him out of hand.
He swallowed hard as she pulled back, trying not to get lost in her stare. ‘So, how do you want to play it?’ he asked, his voice strangled with lust and confusion. Before he got too carried away by her touch, her kisses, that seductive look in her eyes, he at least wanted to address Jack’s naming day in a fortnight, when they would definitely see each other again.
‘Play what?’ She shifted on his lap, the position putting her breasts in his line of vision, which was very distracting.
‘Us,’ he choked out, ‘at Jack’s naming day, with your family.’
Della tangled her fingers in his hair and tilted his head back, sliding her lips from his earlobe to his jaw, her touch speeding up his already erratic pulse. ‘Well, given we agreed to leave us behind when we left Fiji, we’ll find a way.’
His heart sank further. He closed his eyes, arousal a fire in his blood as she trailed her lips down the side of his neck. But his words, his yearning wanted an outlet before it was too late and they’d succumbed to this endless need for each other. ‘But don’t you think one of your family—probably Brody, let’s be honest—will be able to tell something is different with us?’
It would be a miracle if Harvey managed to keep his eyes off Della when they next met, and if he looked at her, surely someone would be able to see what he was too scared to articulate—how he had feelings for Della he had no idea what to do with. But the two of them exploring more than sex felt ludicrous. An outrageous and risky fantasy. He’d been single by choice for twenty years, and Della... Della was a hearts and flowers romantic who deserved to have her every wish come true. How could a man like him ever be good enough?
What did Harvey know about long-term commitment? What would he have to offer this incredible woman? Even if she did want him, could he step up and be what she needed, or would he ruin everything if he tried, losing people he considered family?
‘That’s easy.’ Della sat back, her expression transparent as she placed her wineglass on the edge of the spa. ‘We’ll throw Brody off the scent. I’ll make a few digs at you, and you can goad me into an argument, perhaps over the wine. No one will ever know.’ She chuckled, pressed her lips back to his, and writhed on his lap so he struggled to think of anything beyond how much he wanted her. But beneath the arousal, his stomach knotted.
He didn’t want Della and him to revert to the strangers of old, bickering as if these two unexpected and passionate weeks hadn’t happened. But Della was obviously happy to leave this, them, behind. Whereas Harvey...? He wasn’t sure which way was up, but he was terrified that he’d never be able to switch off this physical craving. He’d found something with her here in Fiji. Nothing as mundane as friendship, more like an intense connection someplace way beyond friends. Mutual acceptance and respect and...obsession. There was no point trying to pretend. He thought about her all the time, wanted to be around her every moment of every day. For the first time in years, he’d developed deep feelings for a woman, a woman who didn’t, couldn’t, feel the same way about him. A woman he needed to protect from the kind of man he’d become, because she deserved so much more than he could give.
The familiar taste of rejection and failure burned his throat, so he held her closer, tighter. ‘Do you think we can pull it off?’ he asked, placing his wineglass beside hers. ‘Not the bickering for Brody’s sake, but...you know...the clean break?’ His heart raced as if he was a teenager with a crush, asking for a girl’s number. He held his breath balanced on the edge of a knife. Harvey had never been less certain of anything in his life or more out of control. But Della did this to him, left him powerless until he wasn’t sure whether to run from the feeling or push through it to the brave new world on the other side.
Della stilled, staring down at him with a frown. ‘I think we’ll be okay. After all, we live in different countries.’ She smiled, her fingers moving restlessly through his hair.
Was she making light of their split to protect herself or to let Harvey off the hook? Because they both knew he was in foreign waters here, wanting more than sex. He had no idea what more would even look like for them. He didn’t want this fling to end, but nor was he certain he could make her the kind of promises he knew she wanted and deserved after so many years of shutting down his feelings. Was he simply being selfish by trying to hold on? Would he be the ultimate loser if he tried and failed?
‘As easy as that, huh?’ he asked, barely able to breathe, he was so confused and conflicted. And he hadn’t missed the fact that she’d yet to confirm if she was applying for the job in Melbourne.
She frowned, her stare shifting between his eyes. ‘It’ll be an adjustment. I’ll miss this.’ Shifting her hips on his lap, she brushed his lips with hers.
Harvey’s hands glided from her back to her hips, holding her still. Every move she made, her curves and softness filling his arms were torture to his strung-out body. He wanted to crush her to his chest and pleasure her over and over again until dawn when they needed to leave for the airport. Maybe then, he’d have worked her fully out of his system and everything would make sense. Maybe then, Della would look at him the way she had under the waterfall, as if he, broken, unworthy Harvey, might just be the answer to her dreams. But who was he trying to kid?
‘I’ll miss this too, Della,’ he said, his throat raw with longing. I’ll miss you. Gripping her waist, he buried his face against her breasts, over the beat of her heart. Now that their last night together was here, he wanted to rewind time. To go back to the start of their two weeks. Or better still, to go back twenty years and be a different man, one who’d overcome his grief and the ingrained belief that there was something unlovable about him and who deserved Della. One who understood that losing Alice, losing his mother’s love, had nothing to do with him and everything to do with the unfair randomness of life and the selfish choices of others.
Della was right. He wasn’t that powerless kid anymore. Except she made him feel that way, as if one wrong move would shatter the safe, predicable existence he’d clung to most of his adult life. He’d wasted so much time fighting his desire for this woman, when now it was all he could think about.
Della stroked his hair, and he held her tighter. He didn’t want their last night to be only about desire. He needed to know Fiji had meant something to her, because it meant something to him.
‘Would you have dated me when we first met?’ he asked, looking up. ‘If I’d been ready to ask you and you’d been single? If I hadn’t been grieving and you weren’t my best friend’s sister?’ Regret was pointless. Time travel impossible. But he needed to know that he hadn’t been alone in imagining the shadow of what might have been between them all this time.
Della froze, her stare flitting. ‘I... I don’t know. Perhaps I would... It wasn’t that I didn’t fancy you, just that we’ve always wanted different things.’
Harvey nodded, too confused to explain that he wasn’t sure what he wanted anymore. Somehow, it was easier to admit how he’d felt about her when they’d first met than how he felt now, tonight. But instinct told him Della was preparing to walk away, and he couldn’t blame her. What did he have to offer? Just himself, as lacking as he was?
‘I know the timing was wrong for us both, but part of me wishes I’d asked you back then,’ he said, his voice thick with emotion. ‘Who knows how life might have turned out differently if I had?’
Confused, her frown deepened, her fingers stilling in his hair. ‘It’s in the past. We can’t change it.’
‘Right. I guess I wanted you to know that I’ve always fancied you. I just wasn’t ready for a relationship. And even twenty years ago, despite being a bit of a jerk, I was smart enough to know that hurting you would have cost me nearly everything I had—you, Brody, your mum and dad.’
‘Harvey...’ she whispered, resting her forehead against his, but somehow still seeing right through him. ‘You know it wasn’t your fault, don’t you?’
Harvey froze, his pulse flying. Why hadn’t he just seduced her instead of trying to verbalise the storm raging inside him?
‘Not your parents’ divorce,’ she continued, ‘or your mother choosing to leave, or Alice’s accident.’
‘I know.’ Those events weren’t his fault, but they had shaped him, made him someone who valued emotional control over all else. And look where that had led.
‘And you have nothing to prove anymore,’ she said, brushing his lips with hers. ‘You’re in control of your own life.’
The change of subject felt like a goodbye, a pep talk, a final note to see him on his way. Crushed by her emotional withdrawal, Harvey held her tight, pressing his face against her chest. He didn’t want her to fix him. He wanted her to want him. To choose him over all men. But he’d seen the same look in her eyes when he’d encouraged her to apply for the Melbourne job. If he pushed for more than this fling, he might discover that he could never be what Della needed, that she wanted so much more than he was capable of. Could he live with that knowledge when he had to live with her in his life?
‘Let’s go to bed,’ she whispered, tilting his head back, her lips finding his, parting, caressing, while her hips rocked on his lap.
Clinging to the distraction of her touch, he gazed up at her. Maybe she was right to remind him this was about pleasure. Maybe this was the only part of her he could have. Maybe once he was away from her, he’d move on as easily as she predicted. Harvey steeled himself against the pleasure her kisses always delivered, his hands cupping her breasts to coax out those moans he loved.
Della gasped, her eyes glazed with arousal as he thumbed her nipples erect. Because he was raw and exposed and ravenous for her, as always, he chased her lips with his. Their tongues met and duelled as their kisses deepened out of control. He might not be able to give her a ring, a family, that white picket fence dream, but he could give her this. Make tonight one she’d always remember.
Harvey slipped his hand between her legs, inside her bikini bottoms, and stroked her. Della broke free of their kiss to stare down at him, her pupils dilating with arousal. Emotions fluttered through her eyes. Arousal, uncertainty, perhaps even fear. But of course she would be scared to expect anything from him, scared to trust that he could be more than a good time, and she was right. The powerless feeling he detested returned. He couldn’t let her down. He couldn’t lose Della or the other Wiltons from his life. Better to let her go now and keep a part of her forever than to risk losing everything.
Harvey stroked her faster, one arm holding her around her waist. She rode his hand, her eyes on his and her arms braced on his shoulders.
‘Kiss me,’ he said, because he wanted to forget that this would be the last time he touched her, the last time he held her in his bed and awoke to the scent of her perfume on his pillow.
She whimpered, grasped his neck and lowered her mouth to his. Her hips bucked. He stroked her faster, slid his fingers inside her and braced himself against her wild kisses.
‘If you had asked me twenty years ago,’ she panted after pulling away, ‘I would have said yes.’
Triumph soared in Harvey’s chest. He tugged down her bikini top and bent his head, captured her exposed nipple, sucking. She cried out her climax, her slippery body bucking against his under the water. Harvey held her close. Her heart thudded against his cheek where he’d crushed her in his arms. She whimpered and he slid his hand from between her legs, wrapping both arms around her, certain that he should never let her go in case it became the biggest mistake of his life.
Hours later, Della clung to Harvey as the dying cries of her orgasm echoed around the room. The moonlight shone through the window of their bure, streaking the sumptuous bed with surreal shafts of light. She kissed him, snatching breaths between surges of her tongue against his. The entire night, from the moment he’d excitedly collected her and her cases from the staff bungalow at the hospital to when he’d made love to her over and over again, carried a fantastical dreamlike quality. And Della was scared to wake up.
Harvey groaned, tore his mouth from hers and collapsed on top of her, his body racked with the spasms of his climax as he crushed her close, so close she almost lost her breath.
‘We have to stop,’ Della said, panting, pushing his sweaty hair back from his face. ‘We have to stop before we kill each other like those horny mice.’ Her plea was feeble, born of exhaustion more than a desire to stop. The night had been both endless and too short. Every time one of them dozed off, the other would reach for them again, their touch, their kisses quickly escalating as if they were both intent on outrunning the passage of time. But it was as if they’d missed their chance twenty years ago, and they both knew it.
Harvey slid from her body and rolled to the side, drawing her onto his chest. He pressed his lips to her head, his arms banded around her shoulders. ‘I don’t want to stop. I can’t seem to.’
Della nodded, her eyelids heavy. ‘Me neither.’ But as the pleasure subsided, the heavy ache in her chest returned. Her flight to Auckland was leaving in four hours. She could sleep on the plane. If she closed her eyes now, if she fell asleep, their relationship would be over when she awoke, and a part of her never wanted that moment to come.
Harvey’s words from earlier scratched at the closed door in her mind. They’d sounded like regrets. But surely Harvey hadn’t changed his mind about staying single? He couldn’t possibly want a relationship. He didn’t do those. Perhaps Della was simply seeing what she wanted to see.
Scared that she was projecting her own feelings onto him, Della closed her eyes. She’d spent all week preparing for this night, their last, holding something back, refusing to rely on her intuition, focussed on the end goal: leaving Fiji and moving on from their fling. Because Harvey might have regrets—everyone did to some extent—but he still wasn’t ready to change. Maybe he was too broken to allow himself to be loved. Maybe, because of his mother, he felt inherently unworthy of love. But Della needed to be strong. This time, she couldn’t afford to be wrong or settle for a relationship with misaligned expectations. This time, she had to get it right.
‘Can I call you from Australia?’ he asked, his voice husky with lack of sleep. ‘I won’t just miss the sex. I’ll miss you, too.’
Della’s heart fluttered painfully at his words. It had been an intense fortnight. Adjusting to their new reality would feel strange for a while. But could she be Harvey’s friend, knowing how close she’d come to falling for him? If they talked, their emotional connection would deepen, at least for Della. Could she then keep her feelings at bay the way she’d tried to every night in his arms this week, or would missing him, craving him, cause those feelings to overwhelm her? Wasn’t a clean break the only sure-fire way to protect her heart? After all, she’d tried and failed miserably to wean herself off sleeping with Harvey.
‘I don’t know, Harvey.’ She felt him tense, and her arms reflexively tightened around his chest. ‘I’ll be honest, I’ll struggle to be your friend at the moment.’ She felt the thud of his heart under her cheek and went on. ‘There’s just so much water under the bridge when it comes to us. If we talk, I may weaken next time I see you and end up seducing you again. You know how weak my willpower is.’ The dash of humour was intended to soften the blow, but Della had never felt less like smiling, because every word was true and laced with fear.
‘Would that be so terrible?’ He pressed his lips to the top of her head. ‘When we’re not bickering, we’re very good together.’
Della blinked, her eyes stinging. ‘Of course it wouldn’t be terrible. But this time here with you has made me realise that maybe I am ready to start dating again. That husband I’m after isn’t going to just land in my lap, so I probably need to get out there and find him.’
All Harvey was offering was another night in his bed. As tempting as that was, she’d want so much more. She’d want another night and another and another. Then she’d fall in love with him and want him to be the man of her dreams. Would he ever be ready for that? And could Della afford to put those dreams on hold again and wait around on the off chance that he might change his mind?
He’d told her to be uncompromising when it came to her next relationship, and he was right. If they tried to drag this physical fling out, she’d be forced to one day make the tough choice: amazing sex with Harvey or having it all with someone else. She’d hate herself if she reached her expiration date like all his other women. Because it would be so easy to allow herself to fall in love with the Harvey she’d come to know in Fiji. Maybe they were better off as friends, after all.
‘I’ve had a wonderful time. I’ll never forget it.’ Gripping his face, she pressed her lips to his, ignoring the flicker of disappointment in his dark stare. She felt it too. It was hard to give up something so good. But Della needed to be selfish, to trust her gut and go after what she wanted, to have it all.
‘Me neither,’ he said hesitantly.
‘And if I get the job in your department, we might end up working together again.’ Maybe friends and colleagues were for the best. So why did it suddenly feel like a second-rate consolation prize?
He offered her a smile tinged with sadness she didn’t want to acknowledge. ‘I’d like that. I really hope you’ll apply.’
Della nodded, the burn in her chest, the plummeting of her stomach leaving her to wonder just how she would work with Harvey every day and not want him. Tonight had almost broken her. Their out-of-control need for each other was so profound, she wondered how she would survive the sexual drought to come.
But survive it she must.