The Nothing to see Here Hotel: Sea-ing Is Believing!

As I shouted the words, Dad stepped out from his spot under the archway, revealing the ghost of our long-dead relative, floating just behind him.

‘Hello, there!’ Grandad Abe smiled shyly and gave a little wave to everyone. ‘Surprise!’

‘It can’t be Abe … he had more skin the last time I saw him!’ Berol Dunch insisted.

But it was! I found I couldn’t help staring at the elderly spook with his odd socks and twinkling blue eyes, as he nodded and smiled. I’d seen the painted portrait of my great-great-great-grandad every day of my life, and now I had a chance to finally get to know him. This should have been better than a million Trogmanay gifts all rolled into one! Although. . .

I wasn’t sure why, but that old familiar feeling of doubt bubbled in my belly again. Just because Abe was here and seemed friendly enough, it didn’t mean that all the terrible things Oculus had told us weren’t true. What was it Grogbah had said about the wallpaper’s gossiping? Something terrorfumbling? A real cruminal?

‘’Ere! Whath all thith we’ve heard about you being a thneaky tho-and-tho?’ the Molar Sister lisped in unison, as if they’d read my thoughts.

‘A what?’ the old ghost replied, looking slightly shocked.

‘We heared you’re a grim-hearted gurnip!’ gurgled an elderly anemononk.

‘A right RUMPSCALLION!’ Reginald Blink joined in.

‘Then what about your blunkerly son?’ Lady Leonora, scoffed as she materialised in mid-air.

‘That little whippersnooper necromanicled me and made me act as a . . . a . . . COMMON SERVANT!!’

‘I NEARLY DIED!’ wailed Wailing Norris from halfway up the spiral staircase.

‘You’re already dead, you cretinous idiot!’ Lady Leonora snapped at the trembling, wild-haired spook. Then she turned her attention back to Abe. ‘But, still…’

‘I can’t be blamed for what that boy got up to! I can’t even remember him. Not really! It’s not my fault if he tried to destroy the hotel!’

‘I don’t think we told you that,’ Maudlin said, raising an eyebrow and scowling at the moustachioed ghost.

‘Indeed!’ Grandad Abe tittered. ‘Something us spirits are skilled at. Isn’t that right, Lady Leonora?’

‘Ghosts are terribly intelligent,’ Leonora agreed, nodding pompously. ‘I myself am particularly astute!’

‘I didn’t know you two knew each other,’ Maudlin grunted, looking sceptical. ‘How do you know Lady Lenora’s name?’

‘It’s a ghost thing!’ Abe said. ‘Our magical minds, know more than most. . .’

‘Charmed, I’m sure!’ Lady Leonora gasped at the compliment and giggled annoyingly.

Maloney opened up her mouth to speak again, but Leonora plucked a wispy fan out of the air and waved it at the ancient leprechaun.

‘Shoo!’ the ghost hissed as she floated down to the ground. ‘The master of the house will not be wanting to spend another moment with the likes of you.’

‘What makes you think he wants to see your mangy mug?!’ Maudlin hissed, but the haughty grey ghost ignored her.

‘Now that you’re one of us, you’ll be wanting to learn of all the best haunts around the hotel. I know a marvellous spot on the seventh floor that’s perfect for practising your screams!’

With that, the lady-ghost went to link her arm around Grandad Abe’s and . . . he shrieked!

‘DON’T TOUCH ME!’ he bellowed, recoiling from the mortified-looking ghost.

‘HOW RUDE!’ Leonora squawked. She was so surprised that she exploded a tiny burp of ectoplasm onto the floor tiles.

‘I . . . I do beg your pardon,’ he mumbled. If ghosts were capable of blushing, I think his entire body would have turned red as a tomato at that moment.

‘I’m . . . ummm . . . I’m terribly tired. Travelling from the Land of the Dead is an exhausting journey! I’m a married fellow and if it’s all the same to you, I’d just like to spend a spot of snuggle-time with my darling wife.’

Everyone turned to look at Granny Regurgita, who was in the middle of trying to tiptoe up the first flight of the staircase. She stopped and grimaced.

‘Ooooh, it’th tho romantic,’ the Molar Sisters sighed in unison. ‘I hope they kith, all thlobbery-like!’

‘Don’t even think about it, you grimblish old creep!’ my grizzly granny bellowed. ‘I had a go at being wifely and lovelicious the first time round and I thought it was GUT-HONKING! I’d rather snuggle with a sabre-toothed snuzzbungle than spend more time with you!’

Granny galumphed up the great staircase like a demented rhinoceros and vanished out of sight.

Glancing over at the elderly ghost, the doubt in my head began to melt away. He looked so sad, just floating there, and I couldn’t help feeling sorry for him.

I was about to call his name, but the clamour of our nosy guests instantly drowned me out as they grabbed their chance and started yelling and hollering questions again.

‘Almost nothing,’ Abe whimpered. ‘I’ve been a ghost for nearly a hundred years! I can’t even recall what he looked like!’

‘I didn’t!’ Abe cringed. ‘I can’t remember them, I truly can’t! It’s all just one big smudgy blur!’

Guests crowded around the startled ghost, while more and more appeared on the balconies, drawn by all the noise.

Abe’s reappearance had split the hotel’s inhabitants into two teams. Some were cheering and celebrating his return while others were shouting and waving their fists in the air, obviously still not sure Abe should be welcomed as a hero if the rumours were true.

It was chaos! Mum, Dad and Nancy were doing their best to control the situation, but a bit of juicy gossip was far more important than good behaviour to most magicals.

Guests were whooping and yelling, and Berol Dunch even threw the remains of a sardine she’d been chewing on!

I watched as if the world had turned to slow motion as the disgusting thing sailed through the air, passed straight through Abe’s head and hit the wall with a squidgy splat.

PANDEMONIUM