Part 3:
Three’s
Company
The only unnatural sex act is that which you cannot perform.
—Dr. Alfred Kinsey
Now that you’re pretty well versed in one-on-one sex, why not add another person, right? Well, that’s up to you and your partner, of course. Lots of folks love the idea of a threesome and fantasize about it but wouldn’t actually want to realize that fantasy. Then there are those who love the idea and the actuality, those who want to experience sex with two people at once and are looking to make that happen. This part of the book is for them. But before we explore the ins and outs and dos and don’ts, we need to define some terms so that the rest of this section makes verbal sense to you even if the impetus behind threesomes remains confusingly opaque.
THREESOME GLOSSARY
ALTERNATIVE LIFESTYLE: Generic term for anything considered outside the “normal” realm of sexual behavior from spankings and shoe fetishes to threesomes and key parties.
BISEXUAL: Used to describe a person who is sexually attracted to and has sex with men and women. Behavioral psychologists and sex experts alike talk about continua, scales, and actual attraction, but we needn’t concern ourselves with scientific discussions of “true” bisexuality. Suffice it to say that for our purposes, “bi” means interested in sleeping with both sexes.
BICURIOUS: Describes a person who is interested in exploring and maybe even experiencing same-sex behavior but doesn’t necessarily identify as bisexual.
COMPERSION: The feeling of pleasure one gets when one’s partner is having sex with someone else; the opposite of jealousy.
CUCKOLD: Almost an open marriage; this scenario occurs when one partner has sex with an outside person and then shares the details with the other partner.
STRETCHING THE TRUTH
Historically, the word cuckold referred to a husband whose wife was cheating on him. It’s been around since the 1200s, although we’re sure the practice is a lot older.
DOUBLE PENETRATION: In a threesome with two men and a woman, this term describes both men having intercourse with the woman, usually one vaginally and one anally.
MÉNAGE À TROIS: Not synonymous with “threesome”; actually describes three people in a love relationship together.
COMMUNICATION
Ménage à trois is a French term. What a surprise.
SOFT SWING: Generally refers to threesome practices in which you don’t engage in penetration with anyone but your long-term partner; this may mean oral sex with others or just voyeurism (see here). This term has many definitions, depending on who is doing the defining, so make sure you know what the specific person means when using the term before you get naked with him or her.
SPLIT ROAST: Generally describes a threesome in which one member is penetrated vaginally or anally by another while giving oral sex to the third but also may be used to describe the classic 69 position.
THREESOME: Describes sex between a couple and another person; it might be two men and a woman, two women and a man, three men, or three women.
VOYEUR: A person who watches others engage in sexual acts and does not join the action.
A threesome is sexual activity in which three people participate, generally a couple and another person. Fair enough, but that’s not all there is to it, clearly. There are levels of involvement for each of the participants, and there are usually pretty clear rules about who’s going to do what to whom, what isn’t allowed, and how you’ll let the other participants know if a boundary has been crossed. But the first step, before deciding any of this, is to decide if in fact you want to participate in a threesome.
Note: In this section, we are mainly addressing couples thinking about having a threesome. For single people who want to join a couple in a threesome, most of this advice still works, but a lot more talking and consensus needs to happen within a couple, so we are focusing there.
FOR COUPLES WHO ARE CONTEMPLATING ADDING A THIRD
Quiz #1
Are you and your partner ready for a threesome?
Read each of the statements below and check the ones that apply to your relationship:
We are committed to each other and secure in our relationship.
We are open about our sexual fantasies and share them with each other.
One or both of us fantasizes about asking another person to join us in a sexual encounter.
Neither of us is a jealous person.
We can both separate our loving relationship from sex.
Experimenting sexually is very important to both of us.
One or both of us is bisexual or bicurious.
Both of us would enjoy seeing our partner being pleased by someone else.
If we try something new sexually and it’s not great for one or both of us, we can get past it.
We are both able to have sex without getting emotionally involved.
If you and your partner checked off the first five statements, you’re receptive to the idea of a threesome. Each statement you checked off after the first five means you’re one step closer to deciding to have one. If you checked off all ten, you’re raring to go!
Quiz #2:
Who should not have a threesome?
Read each of the statements below and check the ones that apply to your relationship:
One or both of us is concerned that we’re just not wild enough in the bedroom.
We are bored with our sex life and want to spice it up.
One or both of us experienced a threesome before (with other partners) and wants to do it again.
One or both of us is afraid we’ll cheat on our partner and we think this is a solution.
One or both of us has a jealous personality type.
I want to test my significant other to see if he or she will cheat on me if given the chance.
We have trouble communicating about what each of us wants out of our sex life.
One of us thinks he or she might be gay/straight (depending on relationship orientation).
If you and your partner checked even one of these statements, you need to have about three years’ worth of honest conversation before you even contemplate inviting another person into your bed.
BARE FACTS
The fact is, your relationship must be as strong as your desire to have a threesome before you should even discuss it. And you’d best discuss it fully clothed, too—not just as part of pillow talk.
A threesome is not a way to subvert two-timing tendencies or get your partner to open up about what he wants you to do to him when he’s naked. It’s probably true that lots of threesomes happen as a result of each of the reasons in the second quiz, and that’s unfortunate, because it’s not a good idea to take a relationship that’s on shaky ground already and throw it into an earthquake. Make no mistake: a threesome will shake up your relationship no matter how much you’ve fantasized about it and discussed it and planned it and looked forward to it. It might be great, it might be all you hoped it would be, but things will be different in your relationship when it’s over. That’s why reality is so different from fantasy and why for couples a threesome should not be a spur-of-the-moment decision that is entered into lightly.
DON’T BE A JERK
The fact that your favorite twentieth-century psychoanalyst forced his wife to accept a third person into their relationship (and she put up with it for decades) doesn’t mean it’s ever okay to force or overly persuade your partner into a threesome. Things will not end well.
If you’re sure you want to do it, read on and discover the who, what, when, where, and how of threesomes.
BEGINNING THE JOURNEY
You and your partner had a passionate sex session last night—it really got going when she mentioned how hot it would be if she could be having anal and vaginal sex at the same time. You got out the dildo and simulated it, and she had one amazing orgasm after another. It was pretty fantastic for you, too, and now, the next day, you’re thinking about how incredible the fantasy was and how much you might like to try it out in real life. So … how do you broach the topic with your partner?
The good news is that because you are open and honest about fantasies, it won’t be an enormous, ridiculous jump to discuss the possibility of a real live threesome.
SNAP OF THE FINGER
For those of you who don’t talk about fantasies and are thinking of a threesome, start smaller. Try talking about toys or fantasies first so that you don’t precipitate a coronary in the love of your life.
If you have a generally open and honest relationship already, bringing up the idea of a threesome shouldn’t cause anyone to get upset or be shocked. It is, however, a matter to be handled delicately.
Assuming your initial statement (for example, “So, honey, how would you feel about maybe making that fantasy of two people pleasing you at once a reality?”) isn’t met with tears or hand-wringing, there are probably a lot of questions that will be asked, and you’ll need to answer them honestly and with a fair amount of sensitivity. If your relationship is solid and healthy, that shouldn’t be a problem.
COMMON INITIAL QUESTIONS
Why do you want to do this? Aren’t I enough for you?
Are you gay or bisexual?
Do you still love me?
Is this just an excuse to do it with someone else?
What about our wedding vows?
Are you cheating on me?
Will you leave me if I don’t do this?
If I do it, do I have to have sex with someone of my own gender?
If you bring it up and your partner has any of these questions, answer them honestly. If he or she is assuaged and receptive to the idea after you’ve done this, wonderful. If not, you may feel that you should try talking your partner into going through with a threesome. This is not a good idea. You both must want it; one partner should not just go along with it. That partner probably won’t enjoy it, and that’s a perfect recipe for resentment, from which no relationship benefits.
If the initial discussion did not go well, let the issue lie for a good long time. If after several months you are still interested in pursuing a threesome, try again. If not, it’s no skin off your nose.
Or, if you’re lucky, you’re both on exactly the same page and really want to do it individually and as a couple, and all that’s left is to work out the details before you’re blissfully on your way to a soft-swinging situation. Good for you!
Once it’s decided that you will do it, though, there are still questions to be asked and answered, and this is where you’ll need to take a look at yourselves and your relationship and make sure a threesome is what you both want.
SECOND-STEP QUESTIONS
What do we hope to get out of this experience?
If it doesn’t go well, will we be able to talk about it and move on?
Will I be able to watch my partner having sex with another person?
What would I like to happen during a threesome?
What would I absolutely not like to happen during a threesome?
How much work am I willing to do to make this happen for us?
Will our relationship be strengthened and intensified if we do this?
Will our relationship suffer if we do this?
Once you and your partner have really talked about these issues openly and honestly, you must again assess whether you want to have a threesome. If the answer is yes, there is yet another set of questions to go over together.
LISTEN UP, THIS IS IMPORTANT
It’s probably a good idea to identify the gender of the third person in your proposed threesome early in the negotiations. Otherwise, the two of you may have very different ideas in your heads.
ADVANCED NEGOTIATIONS
1. Do we want a man or a woman to join us for a threesome?
2. Do we want to ask a stranger or someone we know?
3. How will we find someone without seeming creepy or weird?
4. Do we want to meet in our home or somewhere else?
5. What rules and boundaries must be set before the threesome experience?
Now let’s break down how to answer these questions for your specific relationship and situation.
Whether you want your third to be a boy or a girl is a pretty important thing to decide, no? The answer depends on what each of you wishes to get out of the threesome experience. Everyone’s situation is different, of course, but you can omit one sex or the other pretty easily:
If you are a man and your female partner wants double penetration and doesn’t want to share you with another woman and you are curious about what it might be like to suck dick, you probably want a gentleman to join you (though you might not want him to act like one!).
If you are a straight woman who is bicurious and doesn’t mind seeing your male partner in a sexual situation with another woman and your male partner has always wanted to see two women have sex, a woman as your third is probably a safe bet.
Maybe you are in a same-sex relationship and would like to ask someone of the opposite sex to join you to see what it’s like or for any other reason, or you’d like to ask another person of the same sex because voyeurism is your thing or to fully realize a fantasy.
Who to ask is a tough decision, especially if you decide to ask someone you know. This is a risky proposition, largely because in addition to changing the relationship between the two of you as a couple, your relationship with a third person with whom you are already friends with will also change. A lot. But still, lots of folks want to have a threesome specifically because both members of the couple are attracted to someone they both know. So if it’s a friend you’d like to ask, be cautious and be aware that if he or she says no, your relationship will still change.
BARE FACTS
Even if you don’t all get naked together, the fact that you asked your buddy to get naked with you and your partner could make fantasy football sessions or a book club a tad uncomfortable.
So perhaps you want to find a stranger, someone with whom it will definitely not be awkward with afterward, because you will never have to see that person again at the work Christmas party, say, or at the gym. This is perhaps the most personal choice of all when you’re contemplating a threesome, and it’s a decision the two of you will have to make together. Just remember to consider the consequences.
If you decide on a stranger, there are a number of avenues you might pursue to find a person to whom you are both attracted and who will be a welcome addition to your bed. The main ways to go about finding a third are these:
Lifestyle clubs. These are basically swingers’ clubs where couples and singles can go to check one another out and then all play together. Not all clubs allow sex, though, so make sure you know which kind you are in. The major bonus with these clubs is that your first introduction is face to face—you won’t have to worry that the person won’t show up. The drawback is that swingers’ clubs do not cater to threesomes specifically but to all kinds of group sex. Also, there isn’t a lifestyle club on every corner, not even in these progressive times, so you might have to travel a bit to find one.
The mighty Internet. There are so many adult dating sites online that it would be insane to try to list them here, but Adult FriendFinder (adultfriendfinder.com) and Adult Find Out (adultfindout.com) are popular and allow you to specify exactly what you want.
SECRET TIP
Many adult dating sites are free, which is a big plus since you’re probably going to want to spend all your money on lube anyway.
If you want to keep it very local and you’re in a fairly large metropolitan area, a good place to try is your city’s alternative newsweekly’s personals page. These pages are generally chockablock with folks seeking all manner of kinky fun. The drawbacks with adult personal ads are the same as those with regular ones: People lie. The person you choose might not be “model beautiful” or have a “ten-inch love rod” or might not even show up. Also, someone might see you online—someone you don’t want to know you’re trolling the Internet for a third to visit your bedroom. And it may take some time to find someone, since there are tons of folks out there looking to spice it up. But you’ve already committed to spending quite a bit of time on this, so that shouldn’t deter you.
Regular bars or clubs. This is a less daunting option for sure, but the chances of finding someone whom you both find attractive and who is open to the idea are slim to none.
SECRETS TO MAKE YOU LOOK GOOD
Relying only on the bar scene to find a third can be an exasperating experience. You might have to keep at it for years to you find someone this way, and by then you might not be limber enough to bother.
The decision on where to meet is based on several factors, though perhaps none is as important as your comfort level. If your third is a friend and lives near you, it probably wouldn’t hurt to talk about it at your own place and then do it there, too. If your third is a person whom you’re meeting specifically for a threesome, you might not be comfortable having the initial meeting in your home because the person is a stranger and you may feel that your bedroom is for you and your partner alone and that a threesome should happen outside it, in a hotel or vacation home or the like. There is also the issue of how far this person lives from you; if it’s a good distance, you might not have a choice except to meet somewhere in the middle. For some people hoping to engage in a threesome, the money for a room might also be a concern.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR THE TIP
Don’t invite a potential third to your home until you are absolutely positive that his person isn’t going to steal your iPad and HDTV.
Deciding on the rules and setting boundaries for the experience is maybe the most important preliminary step to having a threesome. This is where you’ll figure out what you both want and don’t want from the encounter, and you should hold nothing back at this stage. You need to be comfortable talking about how you want the threesome to go, or else how will you ever be comfortable enough to participate? This deserves its own section.
SETTING BOUNDARIES
Here are some rules that should jump-start a discussion of boundaries and make the threesome experience safe and enjoyable for all involved:
1. Be selective about who you invite into your bed!
2. Get comfortable with your body.
3. Be honest about your boundaries.
4. Don’t do anything any of the participants is uncomfortable with.
5. Always use condoms and/or dental dams; unprotected sex is not an option.
6. Don’t drink more than one or two alcoholic beverages to get loosened up; being drunk will compromise your ability to play it safe.
7. For your first threesome, don’t perform any sex acts with the third person that you’ve never done with your partner.
8. Respect all participants’ boundaries.
9. Don’t do anything you don’t want to do.
10. Don’t assume anything; always ask.
Some of this is common sense and some of it is a little less intuitive, but regardless of how obvious you think a rule is, you should discuss it with your partner.
It’s very important to decide on your personal level of involvement before you are actually naked with two people. For example, if you only want to watch your partner get it on with someone else, you need to let your partner know (and your third, but that comes later). If you’re willing to perform oral sex on your third but don’t want that person going down on you or if it’s okay with you for your partner to perform oral sex but not penetrate the third with his penis, you need to tell your partner.
It might seem ridiculous to have to spell all this out, or it might seem like it doesn’t leave room for spontaneity, and that’s true: it doesn’t.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR THE TIP
Spontaneity seems like a great idea only until you’re naked and uncomfortable and your partner is obliviously having sex with someone who is not you while you watch.
Another important boundary to set for mixed-sex threesomes (as opposed to same-sex ones) is how much same-sex contact you or your partner is comfortable with. You may be a woman who is way psyched to make out with another woman but doesn’t want to be involved in a girl-on-girl cunnilingus situation. Or you’re a man who’s always wanted to go down on another guy but you’re absolutely not okay with having anal intercourse with him. These specific parameters need to be itemized. If same-sex behavior makes you uncomfortable, having a “let the chips fall where they may” attitude will not serve you well during a threesome. This experience is supposed to be fun, after all. Setting clear boundaries will help ensure that it is all you hoped it would be.
Of course, if you and your partner discuss all this and decide that each of you really is okay with whatever might happen—and you’ve considered every permutation of sex that might happen—then by all means, let the chips fall where they may. Go wild!
MAKING IT HAPPEN
Once you’ve selected a third and set firm boundaries with your partner, it’s time to arrange the initial meeting with the person with whom you’d like to have a threesome.
Some tips for setting up the first meeting:
Be honest. As in every stage of this endeavor, honesty is key. What good will lying do, after all? You’ll just end up in a situation you don’t want to be in.
Meet first in a public place. This helps ensure the physical and emotional safety of everyone involved. It also makes it easier to ditch your intended third if he or she isn’t what you want upon closer inspection. It would be much harder to get that person to leave your home than to leave a bar or restaurant.
Don’t plan the actual threesome for the first meeting. Give yourself time to get to know the person, if it’s not someone you already know, and time to be really certain you’re ready to go for it. There’s no rush, so why not take the pressure off?
If the first meeting goes well and you’re ready to take the next step (the threesome itself—duh), arrange the next meeting. When you speak with your third participant to arrange the meeting, that’s the time to make sure he or she is crystal clear on your rules and boundaries.
Tell your third:
Safe sex will be practiced at all times.
If at any time you or your partner is uncomfortable or does not want to continue for any reason, you can stop the encounter.
No drugs are allowed.
Another meeting is not a given; that’s something you and your partner will decide once you’ve experienced this one and talked about it.
Any specific things that are not to be done to or with you or your partner (from the boundaries you set already).
A clean bill of health in the form of negative AIDS and sexually transmitted disease test results would be nice to see.
Decide whether you will all spend the whole night together or if your guest will leave at a prearranged time.
TONIGHT’S THE NIGHT
By now you, your partner, and the third participant should be old pals, totally comfortable with one another, right? With any luck, you won’t feel nervous or anxious when the big day arrives, but more likely than not and even if you’ve talked a blue streak with this person already, you’ll be a little on edge.
First of all, a drink or two should provide the social lubrication and liquid courage you need to get relaxed and enjoy the fantasy that’s being realized. But don’t have more than that! If you’re drunk, not only will you be less able to pay attention to what’s going on and less in touch with your senses, but also, more important, you’ll be less likely to be strict about playing it safe. So have a glass of wine or even two, but stop there.
While you sip your drink, try one of these icebreaking activities at the start of the encounter:
Play strip poker or a naughty board game. Sex shops have a wide variety of suggestive games, and shopping for them will be a fun activity for you and your partner. You can even try a regular card game or board game if you want. It might take the pressure off to keep your clothes on for a while at the start of the adventure.
Each one of you tells a funny sex story from your past. Remember the time you did it at the public pool after hours and got caught by your friend’s dad, who was a cop? Or that time you gave your boyfriend a blowjob while you drove home for Christmas from college? Telling stories will enhance the camaraderie between a couple and a third; it will also make you laugh, which will relax you, too.
Grab your digital camera or Polaroid and take some sexy pictures. You don’t have to get completely naked, and you can be silly instead of sexy if you want. Vamping for the camera should get you loose either way.
Dance. Start with fast music to get your adrenaline flowing, then slow it down and see what develops. Chances are that a sensual slow dance will get you right where you want to be.
Read some erotica aloud. Pick a story from this book, maybe, and then see if the three of you can’t create an erotic scenario of your own.
Play truth or dare. Start tame, with mostly truth questions, and then move on to naughty dares. This should get your juices flowing—creative and otherwise!
SNAP OF THE FINGER
When all else fails, try some porn. You might start out by making fun of it—the silly dialogue, the enormous fake breasts—but eventually it probably will have the desired effect. Then you can turn it off.
ESSENTIAL THREESOME ETIQUETTE
As far as positions go, who’s doing what to whom at any given moment and who should climax first, second, and third, we wouldn’t presume to tell you, and you probably can work out most of the configurations by taking into account everyone’s desires and boundaries.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR THE TIP
Positions during the real thing will be very different from what you were able to accomplish when it was just the two of you and a dildo. Dildos don’t have arms and legs and heads, after all; this makes reality a bit more awkward and, of course, more real.
We can, however, offer are some suggestions and helpful hints so that you don’t end up tangled in a heap or disappointed by what should be—if you’ve made it this far—a phenomenal sexual experience for all three of you.
Don’t use porn as a guideline. Take this advice to heart in two senses:
1. Porno directors are in the business of making fantasy fodder that looks good. There are special lights and scene setters to make sure it looks good. You won’t have those things, so it may not always look great or go smoothly. It may be difficult to figure out where to put your arm or leg sometimes. Try to go with the flow and don’t worry too much about how it looks.
2. Porn is not known for its loving relationships, but presumably, you and your partner are in one. Having a threesome does not mean you shouldn’t be tender toward your partner and let him or her know that even though there’s an exciting new person in your bed, you’re still very much in love with your partner.
Try to keep everyone involved at all times. Nothing makes a person feel more unwanted than being naked and left out of a threesome.
BARE FACTS
Obviously, if one person is there just to watch, you don’t have to involve him or her in the sex.
If something happens that you don’t enjoy or that makes you feel uncomfortable, let it be known without unnecessarily hurting someone’s feelings or spoiling the mood. In other words, try to be forthright and polite at the same time.
As with any sexual situation, toys and accessories can be a welcome addition. They may include vibrators, lubricants (highly recommended), blindfolds, or any other accoutrements you might enjoy. Just make sure everyone’s on board.
Each participant should take a turn being the center of attention. It’s only fair that everyone be spoiled!
It cannot be stressed enough: Condoms and dental dams are a must!
Take your time. This might be a once-in-a-lifetime experience, and so it should be savored. And if it’s not just a one-off, then why try to do everything the first time? Don’t rush. It’ll be much better if you take it slow and enjoy yourself.
Pay attention to your partner. Sexually, of course, but also pay attention to what he or she seems to be enjoying with your guest. If part of the reason you decided to have a threesome was to gain a deeper understanding of your partner’s sexuality and your own, firsthand knowledge is best. It’s right there for you to see, so take a good long look.
QUICK FIX
There will inevitably be some downtime during the threesome. Each participant may find him or herself without something (or someone) to do for a few minutes. Take this time to masturbate or enjoy the show—or hey, do both!
WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?
Sometime after your experience (though probably not immediately after your guest departs, as you will probably be kind of sleepy), you and your partner need to discuss the encounter.
That’s right: more questions.
Did each of you get what you wanted out of it?
Did it meet your expectations?
Did you enjoy yourself?
Did any part of it make you feel uncomfortable or bad?
What feelings, besides arousal, did you experience during the encounter?
If you were to do it again, are there things you would do differently?
Do you want to do it again?
If the two of you do it again, would you invite the same third person back?
What did you learn about your own sexual identity?
What did you learn about your partner’s sexuality?
These questions will help you decide whether you want to make threesomes a regular part of your sexual repertoire or if once was enough to satisfy your urge and curiosity. Your feelings about the experience may change, so keep talking about it as that happens. If nothing else comes of your threesome experience, you will have learned to talk openly about sexual matters with your partner, and that is an extremely important skill. If you decide to do it again, have a blast!
WELL, LOOK WHO FINALLY MADE THE
Rodeo
For something that sounds so RISKY, inviting a third person to share your bed involves RESEARCH, CAREFUL QUESTIONS, and HONEST ANSWERS, and an awareness that no matter what happens, even simply bringing the subject up can change a relationship for better or worse. We hope it’s for the better!