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I stumble down a hall, horrified at how drunk I am.
What started as a cookout, with a fire and music, turned into me relaxing a little too much, laughing a little too hard, and drinking a little too much. I’m not to the point where I’m going to be sick, but I’m certainly not sober enough to be going anywhere on my own tonight. I planned on just staying for a little while, having a few drinks, then eating and going home.
But it was so fun, and I felt so at home, I just didn’t want to be anywhere else.
My phone rings just as I reach the toilet, so I step inside and look down to see Reece’s name flashing across the screen. Shit. Jayden calls at this time every night, I completely forgot and now he’s going to have to talk to me while I’m under the weather. I take a deep breath, in through my nose, and then out through my mouth.
I answer the phone with a calm, relaxed voice.
“Hey,” Reece says, his voice husky as if he’s relaxed in bed, nearly asleep. “Sorry Jayden didn’t call, we were watching a movie and he fell asleep next to me. Just wanted to let you know he’s alright.”
Oh, god.
The image of my beautiful baby boy curled up beside Reece makes my heart ache for the family I so desperately wanted with him. I loved him. I wanted the house and the kids and the happy life. I didn’t get any of those, and yet when I think of him with Jayden, I still get a warmth deep in my soul. I feel a certain way because he’s such a loving father, and when I see that side of him, it makes me long for something I know is never going to happen.
I shake my head.
“That’s okay, let him sleep.”
“It’s noisy, where are you?”
He’s right, even locked in the toilet, it’s noisy. These bikers know how to throw a party, and it’s safe to say they’re throwing a good one. Music, laughter, women, alcohol ... It’s all here and it’s all flowing very, very freely. Including the women.
“I’m just at a party with a friend.”
“Who?”
“A few friends from work, we just got together for a few drinks. How was your day?”
I try the distraction method, mostly because if I don’t, he’ll keep pushing and it’ll get out of hand. Sometimes it works, other times he just looks right over it and keeps asking. Tonight, thankfully, he seems tired enough that he lets it go. “It was a long day. Jayden was whiny tonight. I think he’s getting some more teeth.”
There goes my stupid heart flutter again.
Reece isn’t a good man, Zariah.
He isn’t.
“Aw, my poor darling.”
“So, I’ll drop him back to you on Monday?”
“Yes.”
“Okay. What are you doing tomorrow? I’d like the chance to talk to you. After the other night ... I want to apologize, Zariah. I know I have a problem and I’m currently on some medication and working with a therapist. It doesn’t change what I’ve done to you in the past, but I’ll do anything to get you back. To prove to you I’m different.”
My heart aches, oh does it ache.
Everything inside me wants to believe him, but everything inside me also knows that some people just can’t change. Right now, I’m drinking so I know I’m not thinking clearly, otherwise I know I wouldn’t have even spoken to Reece further after he told me Jayden was asleep. I know I should hang up, but his voice is so believable and kind and my heart aches. I hate that I’m so damned weak.
“I ... I don’t think that’s a good idea, Reece. We both know this has gone on too long. I’m glad you’re getting help, and I hope your other relationships will benefit from it, but, unfortunately, this relationship isn’t going to work.”
There.
There, I did it.
I was strong.
Straight forward.
No messing around.
“You’re not even going to give me a chance?” he asks, his voice a little less sleepy and husky now.
“We’ve been over this. You hurt me. I can’t be that girl who is forever making excuses for a man who doesn’t treat her right. I’m a cop. I’m smart. This is what I do for a living, pull people out of these situations. I want to be a role model for my son. To be someone he can look up to. I don’t ever want him to think it’s okay to hurt a woman.”
“I’d never hurt you in front of him.”
I laugh bitterly. “That statement right there is exactly why this isn’t going to work. You shouldn’t hurt me at all, Reece.”
“I couldn’t control my temper. I’ve done some horrible things I know that ...”
“Horrible?” I whisper. “Reece, you’re downright cruel. Remember that time you shoved my head into the toilet because I wouldn’t make love to you because I was sick? Or that time when you pushed me and I fell down the stairs when I was pregnant with Jayden, and I had to tell the doctor I fell. Would you like me to go on?”
“Zariah ...” his voice is pleading, broken and it tugs at the weakest parts of me.
But I can’t be her anymore.
I can’t.
I won’t.
“I’m sorry, Reece. This relationship is over and it’s going to stay over. I think we need to take space, real space. We’ll have a person who can drop off and pick up Jayden so we don’t need to make contact. I really think this is for the best, I’m so sorry.”
I don’t know why I’m saying sorry to him, he doesn’t deserve me to say sorry.
My heart twists all the same, though. My body is attempting to scream at me that I’m making the wrong choice, that I should go back, that maybe he can change.
Those are the voices of a thousand broken pieces inside of me. They’re not real.
They’re simply trying their hardest to make me believe they are.
“I’m going now, we’ll work out the details tomorrow. I’m sorry.”
“Zariah, no. You’re not leaving ...”
I hang up the phone and my heart feels like it’s being ripped out of my chest. Not because I’m in love with Reece, but mostly because I’m so broken when it comes to him. So many years of abuse, so many years of insane love between the abuse, so many years of trying to convince myself he could be different, so many years of beating myself up and thinking I was doing something wrong. When it comes to Reece, I’m simply a wounded child looking for comfort.
I can’t let him be my comfort anymore.
I finish up in the bathroom and step back out to where the party is still going in full swing.
It’s time to keep putting these feet forward.
One baby step at a time.
~*~*~*~
I’M ON MY WAY BACK out to the fire when I hear a soft, muffled moan. I stop, unable to figure out what the moan is coming from. It could be sexual, or it could be that someone is sick. It’s really quite hard to tell. Muffled, only coming occasionally. I tip my head to the side and follow the sound to a room on the left, door slightly ajar. I place my hand on the door and very carefully peer in, not wanting to interrupt anyone.
What I see has me pausing, mouth dropping open, shock registering full throttle in my body.
It’s certainly not someone in pain, at least, not the bad kind of pain.
No, it’s Kendric and a woman. Young, dark haired, gorgeous body. She’s currently pressed over a large pool table in the middle of the room. Her hands are behind her back, where he’s holding them in one of his. She’s got a gag in her mouth and he’s holding her by the hair as he fucks her. Every single part of me knows I should walk away, shut the door, and pretend I never saw anything.
But the deranged, secret part of me can’t look away. That part of me doesn’t even want to look away. No, god no. That part of me, the part I rarely ever show, is curious. It’s turned on. It’s a little jealous, surprisingly. It’s intrigued. Seeing her tied up, her mouth gagged, his cock slamming into her over and over, ripping little sounds of pleasure from her throat, has me aching in places I should be ashamed to be feeling anything right now.
But I’m not.
I could turn around and go, or I could watch. I could watch as his body flexes as he moves, dragging his cock in and out of her. I could watch as his hand remains tight in her hair, causing the biceps on his arm to bulge. I could watch as his ass flexes and moves with every thrust, showing a well sculpted curve that is utterly delicious. I could watch as she squirms beneath him, moaning with pleasure.
And the sounds.
Oh, the sounds.
I take a step back, knowing I should leave, and my back hits something. A table, a chair, I don’t know. It makes a small sound and Kendric’s head whips around. He doesn’t pause, but simply goes to bark at whoever has come in to distract him. When he sees it’s me, his eyes flash. It’s the kind of flash that tells me he’s surprised, but also weirdly pissed off. He looks angry, but when he gets a good look at the lust that’s no doubt present on my face, his anger turns to intrigue.
I should go.
Turn and run out.
Why am I not running?
I’m a cop.
I shouldn’t be enjoying this sort of thing.
It goes against every moral code in the book.
But the ache between my legs is hard to ignore. I want to know how it feels to be tied up like her, to be fucked and have control. To have a choice. I want to know what it feels like for a man as powerful as Kendric to be inside of me, fucking me with such masculine force. I want to watch, to hear how good it feels when they both find their release.
Kendric’s eyes stay locked on mine, and I don’t realize I’m panting until an exhale that’s quite loud leaves my lips. It’s only then I see the rise and fall of my chest. I feel my bottom lip between my teeth, I didn’t realize I had bitten down on it. Oh, god. I must like a real treat, standing here, staring at him as he slows his pace, dragging his cock in and out of her, eyes locked on mine the entire time.
He hasn’t ordered me to leave.
I’m sure he thinks there’s something wrong with me.
Just when I’m about to turn and leave, thinking for sure he must think I’m some sort of pervert, he drops his gaze down to my jeans and then looks back up at me and nods. It’s a nod that is clear in its instruction. He’s giving me permission to slide my hand into my jeans and bring myself pleasure. He wants me to. The look he’s giving me tells me he wants me to.
Should I?
Do I dare let that part of myself out?
I hesitate and he stops his thrusting for a moment, sliding his cock out of the woman, glistening with her pleasure. He releases her hair and wraps a hand around it, stroking a few times. It’s impressive, thick and long, the kind of cock you pray for when you’re going into a man’s jeans for the first time. He squeezes it once, and then releases it, before sliding his fingers into the girl, one, then two, his eyes never leaving mine. She whimpers and arches back toward him, wanting more, but she can’t speak right now.
Kendric nods at me again.
I swallow, and without thought, my hand moves down to my jeans and slips between them and my underwear. I go right down to my pussy and slip my fingers inside my panties, finding myself aching and wet. Kendric’s eyes flash with utter approval and then he takes his cock, slowing sinking into the girl again. Our eyes lock and I can’t help but feel a strange connection to the man staring at me. A weird sense that we’re so similar and yet so scarily different.
I swallow my whimper and my cheeks burn as pleasure starts building inside of me. I rub and stroke, my mouth dropping open, but I don’t move my eyes from the man watching me. He fucks the girl harder, and as he does, my fingers move quicker and quicker until I’m barely able to hold my release back. When the girl he’s fucking cries out in pleasure, I can’t stop myself. I cum with a force that has my eyes momentarily rolling back and my body trembling with such pleasure.
Kendric makes a low growling sound and then I watch as his face softens with his release, his body jerking, his hips slowing down to smaller, sharper thrusts. His jaw is tight, and his back is straight. He looks utterly delicious when he orgasms and as I slide my hand from my panties, I feel my fingers glistening in my own release. Kendric growls to the woman not to move and then he turns, striding toward me, cock still pulsing.
He rips the condom off and tosses it in the trash as he moves closer. His cock is red and a small droplet of cum rolls off the end of his cock and onto the floor. I don’t know why that turns me on so much, but it does. I can’t move. I’m completely transfixed, not sure what the hell to do but stare at the god of a man walking toward me. He stops when he reaches me and takes my wrist in his hand. I’m still holding my hand up, frozen on the spot.
He brings my fingers up to his mouth and slides them in, closing his lips over them. I shudder and my entire body trembles as he swirls his tongue around the tips of my fingers, taking every ounce of me off them. He’s sucking my pleasure off me, like it’s the god damned fruit of life. When he’s done, and I’m struggling to not throw myself at him, he releases my wrist and leans forward, eyes locked on mine, voice husky and deep. “You’re fuckin’ welcome.”
With that, he turns and walks off.
My god.
That is literally all I have.
My. God.