We were in a hotel room. I was trying to keep a brave face. Talk it up to Molly, like it was a treat. Beth was a bit more savvy. She knew something was wrong. She wasn’t overly comforted by either the suite we had or the access we had to the swimming pool. She was clingy – not that I could blame her.
We could have stayed at home, the police had said. They’d given us the panic phones, put in the alarms and were increasing patrols even more, but Paul and I had decided to get some space from the house. For the night, at least. Until the doors were properly repaired and security lights had been fitted. I’d little desire to spend any time in his company, found it hard to look him in the face but I forced myself to act as if everything was normal. The girls needed some sense of stability.
We’d packed what we needed and drove with Paul to the police station, where I’d picked up my car and he went in to ‘help with the inquiry’.
I’d driven us to the hotel, my eyes darting to the rear-view mirror for any signs that we were being followed. I’d parked close to the hotel door, wondering if it was wise that my car was in clear view but not wanting to take the risk of parking in any secluded corners.
The woman at reception had been full of smiles and welcomes.
‘Just a wee break, is it?’ she’d said while I filled in the paperwork.
I’d nodded, looked back to where the girls were sitting on a sofa in the lobby. Molly hugging her favourite pony as if she’d never let it go and Beth was looking as if she could faint at any moment.
I’d handed over the paperwork and the receptionist had read through the details.
‘Oh, you’re local,’ she’d said, her eyebrow raised a little.
‘We are,’ I’d said, refusing to be drawn any further, much to the apparent disgust of the receptionist.
‘And how long will you be staying?’ she’d asked.
‘I’m not sure,’ I’d told her. ‘Tonight, anyway … obviously. And tomorrow, maybe. Is it okay to confirm in the morning?’
‘I’ll have to check with the computer if we have availability,’ she’d said and tapped her long acrylic nails on the keyboard in front of her, pulling all sorts of ‘I’m thinking’ faces before finally looking up. ‘Well, yes, at the moment we do have availability for the family suite tomorrow night, but if a confirmed booking comes in …’
‘We’ll deal with that then,’ I’d said.
I was tired. I was scared. I needed a shower and something to eat. I hadn’t eaten anything since breakfast, which I’d managed to throw up in the police station. I could feel sweat trickle down my back and the air was thicker now than before, as if rain was on the way but not soon enough. My head hurt.
‘Of course, madam,’ the receptionist had said, handing me three key cards and telling us where our room was.
She’d started to launch into her full spiel about when breakfast was served and what was available in the gym facilities, but I’d been too tired to listen. I knew it was rude, but I didn’t have the energy to care.
‘Come on, girls,’ I’d said and we’d headed off to our first-floor suite.
Molly was bouncing on one of the two single beds in the living area, claiming the bed nearest the door for her ponies and her, while Beth sat on the sofa and started flicking aimlessly through the TV channels.
‘How long’ll Dad be?’ she asked.
‘I don’t know, darling,’ I told her.
‘Why are they talking to him?’
‘They’re talking to lots of people. Everyone who knew Clare.’
‘Will they talk to me?’ she asked.
‘I don’t think so, pet.’
‘I wish none of this had happened,’ she said.
All I could do was agree.
‘I don’t think I want to go home ever again.’
‘Well, Beth, the police are securing our house. It’ll be the safest house in Derry by the time we get back. And I promise you, I’ll not leave you alone again.’
‘Can I tell my friends what happened?’
To be honest, I was impressed she hadn’t done so already. I expected her to be on Snapchat as soon as the police left, filling everyone in.
‘Don’t look at me like that, Mum. I know this is serious. I’m not going to tell people what happened or where we are.’
I sat down beside her and took her hand.
‘You’re a very smart young woman, Beth Walker, and I love you very much.’
‘Do you love me too, Mammy?’ a little voice from the corner of the room piped up.
Molly was sitting cross-legged on her bed now, her eyes growing tired. She hadn’t had a nap all day, so I knew she’d be exhausted.
‘Of course I love you, poppet,’ I told her. ‘You girls are the most important thing in the world to me.’
‘And you won’t leave or let the bad man take you away?’ Molly asked.
‘I promise,’ I said.
But I kept thinking of the picture, the score marks, the circle drawn around my face. Those words. The truth was, I was as scared as my girls were. I pushed down my emotions, told the children I needed to get a shower and that they could order anything they wanted from room service.
While they discussed what the menu had to offer, I locked myself in the bathroom, stuffed a towel into my mouth then screamed and cried as if my heart were breaking.