I woke to the sound of a woman saying my name, over and over. I could just about make out indistinct noises in the background, but it was that one voice – calm, soothing – that gently encouraged me to open my eyes.
Her green uniform, hair tied back. A pretty face, scrubbed clean, no make-up. Blue eyes. Like Laura’s.
‘You’ve taken quite a knock, Elizabeth,’ she said. ‘You’ve been out for quite a while.’
I tried to speak but couldn’t make my mouth work just yet. A voice, male, familiar, was in the background. The policeman. The tall one. I couldn’t remember his name. Remember why he was there. This was my house, wasn’t it? My head throbbed.
I could hear the whining of a dog. My dog. Where was she? I tried to move my head.
‘Steady there, Elizabeth,’ I heard the paramedic say. ‘No sudden movements. We want to make sure you’ve not done yourself any real damage.’
She was shining a torch in my eyes, but I tried to close them; the light was too bright.
‘Do you know where you are, Elizabeth?’ she asked me.
I was sure I did. But my mouth still didn’t want to work. The words were stuck in my head. Where was the policeman? Was he with the dog? It was my dog, wasn’t it?
‘You’ve had a fall,’ the female paramedic said, enunciating each word slowly and purposefully as if I were stupid.
My head was still spinning. There was pain. Like hot knives. Like electric shocks.
‘You hit your head. Can you tell us your name?’
I wanted to scream at her that she already knew my name. Hadn’t she said it to me already? That was my name, wasn’t it? Everything seemed to fade in and out and in again. I didn’t know any more what was what and who was real, and where was Laura?
I tried to sit up but had barely moved before the paramedic was telling me to stay still and calm.
‘She’s very confused,’ I heard her say to someone.
Maybe the police officer. Maybe Laura. Was she there? Something told me over and over that she was. Or was at least nearby.
‘She’s getting agitated,’ a disembodied voice said.
Of course I was getting agitated. Where was Laura? Why couldn’t I hear her voice?
I tried to speak but my stupid mouth still wouldn’t move and I knew I was crying, tears of frustration, but I couldn’t feel them on my face.
I was tired. I wanted to close my eyes.
‘Elizabeth,’ I heard and opened my eyes again.
A paramedic. Was it the same one as before? I didn’t know.
‘Can you stay with me? Try to stay calm and we’re going to help you. Can you squeeze my hand?’
I looked at her. I was scared now because nothing made sense. I tried to move my hands but I don’t know if I managed it or not.
I was aware of moving. Being pushed. Outside. I saw a dog, looking on from the door where the man stood. The man. Was he the policeman? Was he my husband? Or him? I couldn’t find the name in my head as pain washed over me.
The man blurred as they loaded me into the ambulance. I could see him swim in and out of focus until I was sure I was seeing the ghost of someone I used to know.
That boy.
I blinked and he disappeared.
The doors of the ambulance were closed. Through the back window I could see the old farmhouse. It had never looked imposing before. But its shadow against the fading light made me shiver.
‘Are you okay, Elizabeth?’ the paramedic asked.
I couldn’t answer, but even if I could, I doubt I would have known what to say. Something was very, very wrong and I’d never been so scared in my life.
I was so tired that despite the pain in my head, and the noise in the ward outside, I could barely keep my eyes open. I had no idea what time it was, except that it was dark. I couldn’t remember what day it was, either. Struggled to remember why I was here.
Memories slipped in and slipped out again just as quickly. Doctors all around me. Soft voices. It was hard to pinpoint which of those memories related to today and which had been pulled from the recesses of my mind.
Someone had mentioned a stroke. I’d tried to answer – my words muddled, slurred. I felt some tingling in my right hand – the pull of the cannula in my vein if I tried to move. My left hand, my left side, continued to be useless.
That policeman, I couldn’t remember his name, he stayed with me for a while. Told me he’d contacted my son-in-law. I wondered why he hadn’t contacted Laura. Maybe she was at work …
‘Don’t worry about your dog,’ he’d said. ‘One of my colleagues has taken her to your son-in-law’s house.’ He’d looked genuinely worried about me.
Had he been in my house, that policeman? I couldn’t remember. Thinking made me so tired. I couldn’t keep my eyes open.
When I woke, a nurse was by my side, telling me I was doing well, but I wondered why I was alone. Why hadn’t my family come to be with me? Where were they?
A tear slid down my cheek and the nurse wiped it away.
‘It’s okay to be scared, Elizabeth. You’ve been through an ordeal. But you’re in the best place now and you’re getting the gold standard care. I’m told you’re a legend around these parts.’
I tried to smile – was aware my mouth wouldn’t do what it was supposed to. I kept losing my train of thought. It was as if everything I needed to know was hidden behind a filter that blurred all the edges.
There was something about a photograph there.
An orange T-shirt. Too bright.
And a warning.