Getting out to see Michael wasn’t easy. The girls were clingy. Paul had decided to stay with us and not go to Belfast. He’d been attentive, warm even, at breakfast. I’d barely slept all night. I knew I needed to make a tough decision. In my head it was probably already made, but I needed to see him all the same.
I needed to tell him just how complicated everything was. How it was becoming more and more complicated with every day. It had been different before, when I thought Paul didn’t love me and no longer had a vested interest in our marriage. Before Clare died. Before I felt my family was threatened from all angles.
Michael’s plea to run away with him had been running through my head. Each and every time I thought of leaving the girls, my heart twisted. And in the darkness of that hotel room, my family all so close that I could hear their breathing, the reality of leaving them – hurting them – seemed so alien to me.
Regardless of what had been happening, it had started to dawn on me that I’d been risking it all over the last months without making the effort to fix the broken pieces first. I was to blame as much as Paul was. We’d both let each other down so badly.
I woke to Molly still in the bed beside me, her small, pudgy hand caressing my face as if I were the most precious possession in the world.
‘I love you, Mammy,’ she said as my eyes flickered open.
Her love was pure. Without motive. Unconditional. In the early hours in a darkened hotel room, it took my breath away.
We decided to go home after that one night. To try to make this very abnormal situation more normal for the girls. We had our alarms in place. The house was safer. The girls wouldn’t be going to school or daycare again until everything was settled.
Molly had clung to me as we’d walked in the front door, afraid of every shadow and every corner.
‘What if the bad man is here?’ she’d asked.
‘He can’t get in,’ Paul had assured her. ‘The police have put a big magic shield around the house to stop any bad men getting inside. If they so much as touch it, the police come and take them right to jail.’
Molly had looked at me for reassurance that what her daddy had told her was true. I’d nodded and in that moment, I saw a glimpse of the man I’d fallen in love with. Safe. Secure. Loving. My partner. Not perfect, of course, but then neither was I. I never would be.
In a selfish way, I still wanted Michael. Still tried to run through useless scenarios in my head in which I could have my cake and eat it. But there was no solution that would work. I knew that. When all was said and done, I needed my family more than I needed him. And more than anything, they needed me.
I couldn’t seem to sit still. Walked through the house cleaning everything that stood still. Keeping busy until I started to ache. I thought if I kept busy I’d feel less scared. That I’d feel less confused. Less guilty. More sure of myself.
By late afternoon, when the sun was hot and the house so stifling I was sure I was at risk of combusting, I finally decided that I simply had to see Michael, to tell him that I did need the space he’d offered me only a few days before. In fact, I needed more than that.
‘I’m nipping to the supermarket,’ I said to Paul.
‘Is that wise?’ he asked. ‘I could go instead.’
His voice wasn’t harsh. His tone was not argumentative, as it had been before. He sounded concerned – genuinely concerned.
‘I’ll take that phone the police gave me and I won’t be long. Paul, I can’t be a prisoner in my own house forever.’
I was fishing through the cupboards, pulling out a selection of ‘bags for life’ to take with me. The truth was, we did need some shopping, and if I was as quick as I could be around the supermarket, I was sure I could make just a little time to see Michael. I’d text him and ask him to meet me.
‘Well, maybe I should come with you,’ Paul said, interrupting my thoughts.
I told him that wouldn’t be necessary probably more quickly than I should have.
‘You should stay with the girls. They need you,’ I added. ‘Besides, I think I just need some air.’
‘I know you’re still angry with me, Rachel, about what happened, what I did. And you’ve every right to be. All I can tell you is that I’m sorry, more sorry than I can ever express. It didn’t mean anything. She means nothing. She won’t be part of my life ever again. It was just a way to release tension and I regretted it immediately. She …’
I put my hand up, shook my head. I had no desire to hear any more details. I didn’t want to hear any more when I had secrets of my own I hadn’t confessed to. Secrets that differed from Paul’s because unlike his, mine did mean something. Had meant something. It would have been easier if they hadn’t. I wouldn’t feel the need to tell the man I was meeting, face-to-face, that not only would I not be running away with him, I also had to stop seeing him.
‘It’s not about that. I just need some air, Paul. That’s all it is. I’ve got cabin fever. Claustrophobia. It’s daylight. I’ll be in a very public place. I’ll have the alarm phone with me. If anything happens, I just have to press a button and the police will know exactly where I am. They’ll be there in minutes. I’ll go to Tesco, to be extra secure. Sure, it’s only across the street from the police station.’
‘Just be careful,’ he said as I picked up my bag and keys. ‘We need you. I need you.’
He moved towards me. For a second I thought he was going to kiss me, but something held him back. We had a long way to go to attempt to save this marriage of ours. It wouldn’t be easy. There’d be no guarantees. We’d have to learn how to talk to each other again. To be with each other. To not fear touching each other.
‘I won’t be long,’ I said. ‘I promise.’ I smiled, tried to show him I was willing to listen.
I sent a quick text to Michael before I left. Asked him to meet me in forty-five minutes at the old car park at Ness Woods, a small country park about five miles outside Derry, situated off a small, winding country road. That car park had fallen out of favour some years previously when a new one, complete with a visitors’ centre, had been opened a few miles down the road. Very few people used the old entrance any more and it was likely to be very quiet at this time of day. We’d be safe.
An immediate reply told me Michael would see me there and that he couldn’t wait. I drove off, hoping I was making the right decision.