Over-Programming
and the Art of
Boredom
YOU’RE COMMITTED TO GIVING your kids their privacy, but also monitoring their online activities and trusting your gut when something doesn’t feel right. You’re keeping your cool by not posting online every embarrassing thing your kid ever does. And most of all, you’re teaching your kid about respect and leading with love. You’re pretty much a parenting master at this point. But there’s more.
I’ve left this chapter to near the end for a reason: I’m deeply passionate about this topic. In our modern society, where everybody is “go, go, go” all the time, it seems that relaxation and boredom are dying arts. But I’m here to tell you it’s an old-fashioned pastime that we must bring back in order to enjoy a balanced, healthy, and long life. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: I’m no doctor. I’m also not a researcher, so I won’t give you cold, hard facts on this topic. But I can share something I’ve learned from many doctors who have cared for me over the years, and that is that stress raises cortisol levels, and raised cortisol levels keep us from getting proper, deep rest. Raised cortisol levels also make us fat. How does “overweight and exhausted” sound? Neither are conducive to a healthy lifestyle. Stress weakens our immune system, and weakened immune systems lead to illness. And let’s face it, stress stresses us out! So, knowing all these facts, and knowing you love your kids, why would you over-program them to the point of stressing them out? Why would you stress out your kids, thus raising their risk of illness and obesity?
The short answer is I know you don’t want to do these things. This chapter is going to help you stop doing that. Along with the health and wellness benefits for your kid, slowing down and stopping the over-programming will also benefit your own sanity.
Our modern world moves at warp speed. Everything is fast, faster, fastest. We want everything yesterday, and we don’t want to get out of our cars to get it. We’re so addicted to speed and convenience that we now have a drive-through for almost everything. There are drive-through bank machines, coffee shops, dry cleaners and, of course, the ever-present drive-through for food! With our over-programmed, stuffed-to-the-brim-with-shit-to-do lifestyle, we have forced the world to speed up with us. We can grab virtually anything and everything while on the go. Our kids spend more time eating in cars on their way to this activity or that than they do at the family table. It’s insane. And it needs to stop.
In bestselling author Carl Honoré’s book In Praise of Slow, he coined a term that really struck me: “slow parenting.” Without even knowing that we were doing it, Yannick and I had always practised slow parenting with our girls. We weren’t the sort of parents who allowed or forced our children into multiple activities. This was in part because we selfishly wanted our own downtime. We didn’t want our lives to revolve around them and their whims and interests. In order to be good parents, you must fill and refill your own fuel tank, ensuring that you feel rock solid and centred. If you don’t, it’s far too easy for your heart to fill with bitterness over the fact that you have no time for yourself. Selfishness is not a bad thing for a parent; you need a healthy amount of it to be your best you. When you are your best self, then guess what happens? You feel stronger and more positive in your own life and you’re going to raise much better people.
Lots of parents pack their kids’ lives with activities because they’re afraid that otherwise they’ll raise some sort of noodle, a person who can’t “compete” in some way, or a kid who doesn’t get good enough grades because they’re not in endless Kumon lessons and other tutoring. The truth, in fact, is quite the opposite. When a child is raised to know that having some open time on their hands is a very, very good thing, they learn some valuable lessons. They learn to be content in themselves, and they learn how to combat boredom. They learn how to create their own happiness. They learn how to unwind, relax, and listen to their own souls. How many adults do you know who could learn from this simple philosophy? By slowing down, we all get the opportunity to spend more time with ourselves — a kind of natural meditation, if you will. When a child is faced with nothing to do, and nowhere to go, they have to be with themselves. This is where creativity thrives and problem-solving abounds.
When our girls were younger, we had tons of puzzles, colouring books, dolls, costumes, you name it. When birthdays rolled around, we told family and friends to give them crafty gifts — things that encouraged them to use their creativity. A child’s mind is a wondrous, pure, and imaginative space. Take away some of those over-programmed and hyper-organized activities that you’ve been bamboozled into thinking are “good for your child” and provide some easygoing, open-ended time for your kid. Let them discover how much good is already inside them. Let them settle into their own mental space a bit, and teach them that it’s okay to have downtime. The problem with over-programming is that you’re inhibiting your child’s ability to uncover the world at their own pace and see it through their own eyes. Instead, as they get shuttled from one activity to another, they are constantly bombarded with what somebody else thinks, feels, and believes. Letting your child discover for themselves the magic of time and stillness is one of the most incredible gifts you can give them. And by doing so, you’ll end up with some extra time to do the exact same thing for yourself. Do this in tandem with your child and watch both your lives open up.
Our financial situation forced us into this “slow-parenting” method long before Honoré wrote about it. It turned out beautifully, and truth be told, I don’t regret having been able to give them only one after-school activity each. What I see now is parents running themselves into an early grave by criss-crossing the city — and in some cases, the country — to make sure their children have it all. It looks like madness. It is madness. I mean, honestly, I’m exhausted watching you all. How do you have any time or energy … for sex? Seriously. Slow down. Because what good is having it all if you lose yourself? I’m asking you this for your own sake, but also for the sake of your kid. You and I both know the answer: it is no good at all.
I do think it’s important for the healthy development of your child that they participate in at least one activity. But people, you must find balance. Carl’s books, In Praise of Slow and his equally wonderful book Under Pressure, are must-reads. They’re wonderful books to read alongside this one. I strongly recommend them both. They will give you the boost of confidence you’re going to need when you get that sideways look on the playground, or when you’re volunteering on that class trip, and all the high-pressure yummy mummies turn their noses up at you for not programming your kid to death. You will have me and Carl in your back pocket. You will know that slowing down, as well as cultivating the art of boredom, are much, much better for your kid’s long-term health than running them ragged.
Just look at how it turned out for us. All three of our girls are able to spend hours and hours alone without freaking out. They don’t feel anxious that they’re “missing out” or that they’re “wasting time.” They crave downtime and look forward to the days in their schedules where they have the freedom to be “bored.” We had no idea that our lack of money would give them such a gift.
This is a delicate dance, though. Don’t use the idea of slow parenting as an excuse to be a lazy parent, or to spend more time sitting around in your PJs on social media, or binge-watching your favourite television shows. I’m not giving you permission to go home at the end of every day to whip off your bra and get into comfy, cozy mode and let things slip. You still need to keep your kids involved in something outside the four walls of your family home. A great way to do that is get them involved with volunteering. Yannick and I became quite philanthropic thanks to our youngest daughter, who, when she was fourteen, started making bracelets for kids fighting cancer at SickKids in Toronto. It was because of her charity work and her pure heart that we were inspired to do more for those around us. It’s a wonderful way to teach your kids gratitude and empathy. Developing all the sides of your child makes for better humans.
Now, before you get all pissed off at me, saying, “You said to not have them doing too many things — now you’re telling me to get them involved in charity work,” well, yes, I am. Doing something they’re passionate about and that’s good for their community is good for their self-esteem and good for their souls. I’m helping you raise a well-rounded, multi-dimensional human being.
You’re welcome.
Even when our girls wanted to do absolutely nothing, Yannick and I insisted they do something they were passionate about. Every child needs to be engaged in at least one activity that helps to build their self-esteem, self-confidence, self-worth, and independence — not only independence from you, but from any siblings they might have. When our girls were little, we let them dip their toes in many pools so they could discover their natural talents and passions. I began dancing when I was four, and Yannick began skiing when he was two. We loved doing those things, and throughout our lives they have remained top passions. Some kids will lead you right to theirs, while others might shift interest and direction many times over the course of their young lives. Others might not have the foggiest idea what they like, or what they want to pursue. That’s when trying out many different extracurricular activities comes in super handy (and no, I don’t mean all at once! We’re not overloading them, remember? Try things one at a time). The most important thing as a parent is to help them find something to participate in that encourages confidence-building, team-building skills, discipline (there’s that word again), and the art of losing. This last one is imperative to their healthy development. It teaches them to be corrected, and to lose sometimes without crumbling. Also, I suggest that you be the parent who says you don’t want your kids to get a ribbon or trophy “just for showing up.” I’d love it if you spearheaded the trend of kids learning about losing and winning, and how to handle both. There are winners and losers in all sports, and that’s really okay. In the real world, they might get an F on a paper. They might not make a team in high school. Hell, perhaps like you, they might never see their favourite sports team win a championship in their lifetime. And they sure as shit are not getting the first job they ever apply for. Help them out now by teaching them how to deal with failure. Part of that also means teaching them how to thrive when faced with failure. Help them to understand that we can learn from our failures and trust that things will always be all right in the end, and if things aren’t all right, then it isn’t the end. Failure is not just about getting knocked down — it’s about what you do after you’re knocked down. It’s about learning how you get up again and take that lesson forward in positive and galvanizing ways.
If your kid ends up falling in love with a sport, that’s amazing, as sports help keep them healthy and active. Sports also teach them teamwork skills, the art of getting along with varying personalities, and how to lose. If you end up with a child who is obsessed with the arts — dance, music, drawing — know that these activities enrich their minds. No matter what kind of artistic experience your child picks, they are all win-win options. Even if they don’t end up pursuing that artistic passion professionally (and chances are, they won’t), it will provide them with pleasure and interests for the rest of their lives. The key to helping your kid find their passion is to talk to them, observe them, figure out what they naturally gravitate to, and then help them find the way to make that passion a reality.
If you find yourselves, like Yannick and I did when our kids were little, tight for cash, then look for free local options. Many community centres offer free or low-cost after-school programs. Or you can get creative and join a non-denominational church in your community that offers free activities for kids. Enlist the help of grandparents to cover some of the cost of the activity instead of throwing presents at them at every occasion. Be the one who starts a drawing group for your kid and their friends; be the parent who takes them all to the library. Start a Mommy and Kid reading group. Ask your village around you for ideas. Every child should participate in one soul-enriching activity. And to the parents who claim to have a “lazy” or “uninterested” child, to that I say there is no such thing! You simply haven’t found what sparks their joy. For the longest time, our middle girl didn’t want to try anything, and she hated everything she did try. We were this close to giving up. She was seven. She had tried ballet, gymnastics, figure skating, art classes, tap, jazz, baseball, soccer … you name it, we put her in it. And she hated every single activity. Getting her to go was like pulling teeth. But in our house, everybody had to try an activity until they found the one that ignited their passion. We knew they could learn vital life skills that only these sorts of activities can teach them. Then, fate intervened and we moved back to Toronto, while Yannick filmed a Canadian series. As luck would have it, we moved ten minutes from a horseback-riding school in the heart of Toronto. She took to it like a moth to a flame. We had done it: she loved something, at long last. Our perseverance had paid off for her, and us.
She excelled at it, too. I can’t tell you the confidence boost it gave her, and the pride she walked with after finding something that was all hers, that she was good at. It was like night and day. Even to this day, twenty years later, she still gets up on a horse and finds her happy place.
Each and every kid has that thing inside them. Don’t quit until you help them uncover it. The payoff of watching them live out a passion is like nothing else you will witness. Also, having an outside person in their lives, like a coach or an instructor, calling them on their shit, pushing them to not quit, is so important. They need to hear that kind of thing from someone they respect who isn’t their parent. They need to hear someone push them to master that footwork, or take ten more shots at the net. A great coach or instructor can be instrumental in a kid’s life. Having discipline enforced by another adult can go much farther than when it just comes from you. When a coach says “there’s always another game” when they lose, or pushes them to “try that move one more time,” they hear it. And it takes some of that pressure off you to always be that voice. That too is a very good thing.
In addition to helping them find that one thing, while we were always careful not to over-program them, we also made all of them participate in a self-defence form of exercise. We insisted on the self-defence element because one in three girls and one in five boys will be sexually assaulted in their lifetimes. That’s the statistic. We wanted to give them the confidence that comes with being a young woman who knows how to kick ass. We wanted them to feel strong and walk with their shoulders squared and their heads high. And should that not be sufficient, we wanted to ensure that they had tools to fend off an attacker, should it (please God, never) get that far. Now that they all live on their own, knowing they have this skill helps us sleep better at night. This is why I strongly suggest you get your children involved in some kind of self-defence class.
But that’s it. One passion, one self-defence class.
Honestly, this trend of believing that the more your kid does, the better it is for them is driving everybody crazy. Most specifically, it’s driving the kids crazy. It doesn’t reflect badly on your parenting if your child has one day on which they don’t have an extracurricular activity after school. Kids love being home. They love being around their things, or playing outside with neighbour kids, relaxing on their beds, reading, colouring, or just doing nothing. My girls loved nothing more than sleeping in on the weekends, staying in their PJs as long as they wanted to, and having family breakfast at noon all together. It was heavenly, and it felt decadent. Slow down. Just be together with nowhere to be and nothing pressing to do. Being at home with nothing to do takes us all back to simpler times — times of peace, pleasure, and comfort. How can any of us ever have too much of that?
Kids don’t want to be operating at a million miles an hour. They also don’t want to be eating McDonald’s or Subway in the back seat of your car day after day after day. This is why I believe that one passion program, and one self-defence program, along with school five days a week, homework, and chores is plenty.
Ahhh, chores. Yes. This was a given, wasn’t it? Didn’t you and your partner decide that you brought this little person into your world to make your life a bit easier? No? Well, part of having kids is that they get to pick up some of the day-in-day-out shit that it takes to run a house. Now, I’m even talking about little kids. If they can play with Play-Doh, they can put the Play-Doh away. Same goes with their arts and crafts supplies, their dolls, their costumes, what have you. Yes, Virginia, a two-year-old sure as hell can put all those toys back in the toy bin when they’re done playing. And as they get older, they should start to do things like make their beds, help with the dishes, and set and clear the family meal table. Do yourself a favour and start teaching them the importance of being a team player in the upkeep of the house when they are small. When they are little, they will enjoy it — after all, they get to spend time with you doing the things you do in the house. Then it will become second nature to them, for which their future life partners will thank you! You’re teaching them responsibility for themselves and their surroundings, and how to carry their own weight in a household. You are teaching them that they are part of a family, and every member of a family is responsible to every other member. This includes keeping the household operating. Plus, it makes them better roommates, too!
Something else beautiful comes out of not programming the snot out of your kid: you will recover much needed one-on-one time with your child. If you and your kid both have free time, you will discover the joy of being able to have weekly dates with each other. You will have time to let your child pick an activity they want to do with you, and then just go and do it together. This means you, too, dads. Kids are not used to getting their father’s attention all to themselves. Honestly, our girls looked forward more to their dates with Yannick than with me. Not because they loved me less, but because often kids are just used to being with their mothers more than their fathers. So, dads, make this a priority. Both parents should set aside a few hours each week to go and have some alone time with your kid. You will get to know them on a more intimate level and you’ll solidify your relationship with one another. I cannot stress enough the importance of this. It will repay you in ways you can’t imagine. Just do this one thing. The payoff is truly priceless.
Let them be bored. I will repeat this. For God’s sake, let them be bored! Incredible things can be created out of boredom. Boredom teaches them how to be alone, and still thrive. In addition to helping them learn to be content by themselves, it will help them be able to walk away from unhealthy relationships when they’re older. They will have the sure and strong knowledge that being alone isn’t a scary thing — it’s nurturing and wonderful. Boredom will allow them to tune into themselves. It will help them decode the things that make them feel bored, too. They will be able to figure out when boredom is uncomfortable for them, when it is an opportunity for self-discovery, and when it is simply a way to decompress their busy brains. This is something they can’t do if they’re constantly running around.
Besides, let’s be honest with one another. After a particularly gruelling schedule of your own, when you’ve had to work overtime and been caught in traffic, when it seems as if you haven’t put your feet up in forever, how awesome does it feel to just do nothing? You and I have both been there. There is no better feeling in the world than knowing you have nothing on your schedule the next day. If you feel this way, imagine how much your child craves this same gift.
Besides, think of how badass and cool you’ll be on the playground! You’ll be the one all the other parents are talking about. “Did you know that so and so has her kid in only one activity?” Which you and I both know they’re secretly jealous of, because, let’s be frank, if you’re not constantly running around with your kid, think of all the hot sex you’re having! You know it, I know it, and they know it, too.
So, fly my little parent birds! Lighten up, slow down, and have sex!