6.

FORGIVE YOUR OUTBURSTS

I don’t care who you are—or how together you are—there will be times when you simply “lose it.” More often than not, losing it isn’t really all that big of a deal. You get angry or raise your voice. You feel victimized or taken for granted. You throw up your hands in disgust. You get so stressed out that you feel like you’re going to “flip out.” You might even rant and rave, or worse yet, you might even punch or throw something. But, unless you actually hurt someone or yourself, it’s important to forgive your outburst, admit that you’re only human, move on, and vow to become less uptight. That’s the best you can do.

A bigger problem, I believe, than a outburst is the way we beat ourselves up after the fact. We tell ourselves what bad people we are, or what a bad job we’re doing at home. We feel guilty and fill our minds with negativity and self-pity. Sadly, this self-defeating inner talk doesn’t accomplish anything positive—and may even actually encourage us to repeat the very behavior we are upset about by keeping our attention and focus on the problem.

Throughout my career, I’ve met some extraordinary people, including a number of world-famous therapists and authors who specialize in teaching others to be peaceful. While most of them are, in fact, peaceful and loving people, not one of them, by their own admission, is exempt from an occasional outburst of frustration. Everyone is human and deserves to be forgiven. Especially you!

Becoming a more peaceful person, especially around the familiarity of the home, is a process, not a destination. It’s common for people to say to me, “I’ve learned to be a far less reactive person and I’m a great deal happier than ever before, but I still lose it once in a while.” My response is almost always, “Congratulations! You’re doing great.”

One of the keys to forgiving yourself quickly is to admit that you lost it and to remind yourself that you will certainly do so again—probably thousands of time. It’s okay. The more important piece of the puzzle is that you’re moving in the right direction. And when you start to forgive your own outbursts, it will become far easier to extend the same courtesy to others as well. In fact, in our home I sort of like it (once in a while) when one of the kids, or Kris, loses it a bit because it gives me a chance to practice compassion and reminds me that, essentially, we’re all in this together. After all, I know all too well how bad it feels. My guess is that if you can be more forgiving of your own outbursts and those of others, the downs you experience and your tendency to sweat the small stuff at home will lessen substantially.