36.

NEVER, EVER, TAKE YOUR SPOUSE (OR SIGNIFICANT OTHER) FOR GRANTED

I could write an entire book on this subject. But, since I have only a few paragraphs to explain, I’ll get right to the heart of the matter.

If you take your spouse for granted, it is absolutely 100 percent guaranteed to adversely affect your relationship. I’ve never, ever, met a single person who likes to be taken for granted—and very few who will put up with it, over the long run.

Clearly, one of the most disrespectful and destructive things we can possibly do to our spouses (or anyone) is to take them for granted. To do so is sort of like saying, “It’s your job to make my life easier and my job to expect it.” Ouch!

There are so many ways we take our partners for granted. Here are just a few: We take our roles more seriously than theirs. We think our contributions are significant and that our partners are “the lucky ones.” Many of us forget to say please and thank-you—some of us never do. We fail to reflect on how lucky we are or how sad and difficult it would be to live without our spouses. Sometimes we get very demanding of our spouses or treat them much differently than we would a friend. Other times, we speak “for them” or disrespectfully about them in front of others. Some of us think we know what our spouses are thinking, so we make decisions for them. Then there is the common mistake of coming to expect certain things—a clean home or a hot meal. Or money to pay the bills, or a nice clean-cut lawn. They are, after all, our spouses. They should do these things. Finally, very few of us really listen to our spouses or share in their excitement—unless, of course, it matches something we are interested in. I could go on and on, but you get the point.

Is it any wonder that close to 50 percent of marriages end in divorce and that many of the rest are painful, boring, and/or less than satisfying? Hardly! It’s so obvious, but for some reason we keep making the same mistake—we take our partners for granted.

The reverse is also true—almost nothing makes people feel better than feeling as though they are appreciated and valued. Think about how wonderful it felt when you first met your spouse or significant other. It was absolutely wonderful. And a major contributing factor to this feeling of love you shared was that you truly appreciated each other. You said things like “It’s so nice to hear from you” and “Thank you for calling.” You expressed your appreciation for everything from a simple compliment to the tiniest gift, card, or gesture of kindness. Each chance you had, you expressed your gratitude, and you never took your new love for granted.

Many people believe that it’s inevitable that couples will lose their sense of appreciation for one another. Not so! Appreciation is something you have 100 percent control over. If you choose to be grateful and to express your appreciation, you will do so. And the more you do so, the more you’ll be in the healthy habit of noticing things to be grateful for—it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.

My wife, Kris, is one of the most appreciative people I’ve ever known. She’s constantly telling me how much she loves me or how lucky she is to be married to me. I try to remember to do the same because that’s exactly how I feel. And you know what? Every time she expresses her appreciation toward me, I feel that much more love for her. And she assures me the same is true for her. But we don’t do this as a way of getting love, but simply because we both tend to focus on how lucky we are to have one another as a friend and partner.

For example, I’ll be away at a speaking engagement and Kris will leave me a sweet message telling me how grateful she is that I’m willing to work so hard for our family. About the same time, I’ll leave a message with her, letting her know how grateful I am that she’s willing and able to be home with our children, giving them the love they need and deserve, while I’m away. We both honestly feel that the other is making at least an equal sacrifice and that, regardless, we’re on the same team. Then, when she’s away and I’m home, it seems that we reverse compliments. She’s grateful that I’m willing and able to be at home and I’m equally grateful that she’s away making yet another contribution to our family.

Kris and I have been together for more than fifteen years, and we love each other more today than we did all those years ago. I’m absolutely certain that our decision to not take each other for granted is one of the major reasons why this is true. I’ll bet you’ll be shocked at how powerful this strategy can be if you give it a try. For the time being, forget what you are getting back and focus only on what you are giving. I believe that if you make the decision to stop taking your partner for granted, in time your spouse will begin to do the same thing. It feels good to be grateful. Try it, you’ll love it!