47.

WHEN SOMEONE ASKS YOU HOW YOU ARE, DON’T EMPHASIZE HOW BUSY YOU ARE

Putting too much emphasis on our busyness has become a way of life, almost a knee-jerk reaction. In fact, I’d guess that one of the most common responses to the greeting “How are you doing?” has become “I’m so busy.” As I write about this strategy, I have to admit that, at times, I’m as guilty of this tendency as anyone else. However, I’ve noticed that as I’ve become more conscious of it, I’m putting less and less emphasis on my own busyness—and I’m feeling a whole lot better as a result.

It’s almost as though we become more comfortable after confirming to others that, we too, are very busy. I was in the grocery story last night on my way home from work when I witnessed two sets of friends greeting one another. The first person said, “Hi, Chuck. How’s it going?” Chuck sighed loudly and said, “Really busy, how about you?” His friend responded, “Yeah, me too. I’ve been working really hard.”

Then, almost as if the customers in the store knew I was writing a book, two women added to my material! Not more than a few seconds later, out of the corner of my eye, I heard one woman say to the other, “Grace, nice to see you. How’s everything?” Grace’s response was to noticeably shrug her shoulders and say, “Pretty good, but really busy,” followed by a polite and seemingly sincere “How about you?” The answer: “You know, busy as ever.”

It’s very tempting to enter into a conversation with these words because the truth is that most of us are really busy. Also, many people feel they have to be busy or they have no value in our society. Some people are even competitive about how busy they are. The problem, however, is that this response and overemphasis on how busy we are sets the tone for the rest of the conversation. It puts the emphasis on busyness by reminding both parties how stressful and complicated life has become. So, despite the fact that you have a moment to escape your stressful existence by saying hello to a friend or acquaintance, you are choosing to spend even your spare moments emphasizing and reminding yourself how busy you are.

Despite the fact that this response may have elements of honesty, it works against you—and your friend—by reinforcing your feelings of busyness. True, you’re busy, but that’s not all you are! You’re also an interesting person with many other qualities besides busyness. The fact that most of us emphasize how busy we are to others isn’t entirely necessary but is simply a habit many of us have fallen into. We can change this habit by simply recognizing that it exists—and exploring other options.

I think you’ll be amazed at how much more relaxed you’ll become if you do nothing more than change your initial comments to people you see or talk to on the phone. As an experiment, try to eliminate any discussion about how busy you are for an entire week! It may be difficult, but it will be worth it. You’ll notice that, despite being as busy as ever, you’ll begin to feel slightly less busy. You’ll also notice that, as you deemphasize how busy you are, the people you speak to will sense permission from you to place a little less emphasis on their own busyness, helping them to feel a little less stressed and perhaps encouraging your entire conversation to be more nourishing and jointly relaxing. So, the next time someone asks you how you are doing, say anything except “I’m really busy.” You’ll be glad you did.