50.

DON’T GO TO BED MAD

I learned this bit of wisdom from my parents, and I’ve appreciated it my entire life. While I was growing up, this family philosophy cut short, or nipped in the bud, many arguments, angry evenings, and negative feelings that would have undoubtedly carried forward to the next day, or perhaps even longer. The idea is that, despite the fact that all families have their share of problems and issues to contend with, nothing is so bad that it’s worth going to bed mad over. What this strategy ensures is that, regardless of what’s happening, who’s to blame, or how mad you or someone else in your family happens to be, there is a set cap or limit to your anger, at which time everyone in the family agrees it’s time to let go, forgive, apologize, and start over. No exceptions. This limit is bedtime.

When you have an absolute policy that no one goes to bed mad, it helps you remember that love and forgiveness are never far away. It encourages you to bend a little, to be the first to reach out and open the dialogue, offer a genuine hug, and keep your heart open. When you make the decision to never go to bed mad, it helps you see the innocence in your own behavior and in that of your family members. It keeps the channels of communication open. It reminds you that you are a family and that, despite your problems and disagreements, you love, need, and treasure each other. The decision that it’s never a good idea to go to bed mad is a built-in reset button that protects your family from stress, hostility, and resentment.

Perhaps it’s easier to see the importance of such a policy in its absence. Without a family policy such as this, arguments and anger are open-ended. No one will have created a boundary, a set of rules that protect your family from extended and unnecessary anger. Without a rule to suggest otherwise, family members can hold on to their anger and justify doing so.

Kris and I have tried very hard to implement this strategy in our family. While it’s not perfect, and while occasionally one or more of us seems a little frustrated at bedtime, on balance it’s been enormously helpful. It ensures that ninety-nine times out of one hundred, we’ll wake up the next morning with love in our hearts and with an attitude of “This is a new day.” I hope that you’ll give this strategy a fair try. It’s certainly not always easy, and you probably won’t bat 100 percent, but it’s well worth the effort. Remember, life is short. Nothing is so important that it’s worth ruining your day, nor is anything so significant that it’s worth going to bed mad. Have a nice sleep.