58.

HAVE FAMILY MEETINGS

The purpose of family meetings is to set up a nondefensive environment in which two or more people who love each other can share freely and communicate from the heart. The idea is to create a “safe place” where everyone present is able to speak and be heard. Everyone agrees, up front, to listen very carefully to everything that is being said. No one is allowed to interrupt, attack, cut someone off, criticize, or butt in before it’s his or her turn. No one is better or more important than anyone else. Everyone is treated with respect.

During a family meeting, you are allowed to share what’s working for you—and what’s not working. You are given permission to share honestly, without being attacked. You can tell the others about things that are bothering you and you can offer potential solutions. You can also share the parts of family life that you love the most and what would make your family even better.

Family meetings are potentially very healing. In our frenzied world, it’s often difficult to find the time to sit together as a family to share and listen. Yet, this is a critical component of a loving, functional family. This is an ideal time to be together, to find out what’s going on with one another, to stay acquainted, or in some cases, to get acquainted. It’s a chance to learn about the other members of your family, to discover what makes them tick and what makes them happy and sad. It’s often the case that people discover things about their parents, children, spouses, and siblings that they didn’t know. My youngest daughter once told me during a family meeting that when I gave her a certain “look” it made her nervous. Because the purpose of our meeting was to learn from one another in a nondefensive environment, I was able to see exactly what she meant. The “look” she was referring to was one of disapproval. I had no idea I was doing it. If she had brought this up in the midst of a busy day, it’s doubtful if I would have been as receptive to her words. But because the whole point of our being together was to improve our family life, I was open and receptive—and able to learn. Since that time, I’ve been very careful to be aware of my “looks.” During our next meeting, I asked her how I was doing, and she said, “Much better.” She felt listened to and respected.

I remember a few of the family meetings we had when I was a child. I remember learning of some of the frustrations of my parents. This helped me to see them as people—not just my parents. It helped develop my compassion and perspective.

Family meetings are extremely helpful in venting your frustration as well as reminding you of your shared love for one another. This, in turn, keeps you from “sweating the small stuff” because you won’t allow small stuff to build up into big frustrations. Instead, you’ll deal with things as they come up. You’ll discover solutions that work for the entire family.

Family meetings won’t make your life (or your family) perfect. They will, however, keep you much closer as a family. Whether you have two people in your family or ten, I encourage you to give family meetings a try. Your rewards will be significant.