62.

SPEAK WITH LOVING KINDNESS

It’s easy to get into the habit of speaking behind the backs of others, speaking in a harsh or sarcastic tone directly to others, saying mean-spirited or negative things about life and other people, mumbling something disrespectful under your breath, gossiping, and other assorted varieties of negative speech. Unfortunately, this habit, as innocent and harmless as it may seem, does have some far-reaching consequences.

Setting aside, for a moment, the obvious fact that speaking harshly isn’t a kind thing to do, let’s consider some of the additional, perhaps less obvious, consequences. To begin with, speaking in a negative or harsh tone can be received as degrading or hurtful by another person. No one—especially our own family members—appreciates being attacked, and everyone almost always feels bad as a result. The act of being on the receiving end of a verbal attack encourages defensive reactions, even retaliation. There is no question that it detracts from the love in your home.

If the attack isn’t direct but takes place behind the back of the other person, this too is a sign of disrespect. It doesn’t give the person being attacked the chance to defend himself or herself.

But beyond all that, check in with how you actually feel when you speak in a harsh or negative tone. If you pay attention, I think you’ll agree that it feels bad. Along with harsh words comes a feeling of stress and rigidity, a sort of unpleasant sickness in your heart. When you speak negatively, it focuses your attention on all that’s wrong with the world and other people. It encourages you to forget all you have to be grateful for—and instead keeps you focused on imperfection. In short, no one wins, especially not you!

I learned this lesson very young. I must have only been a teenager when I said something (I can’t remember exactly what it was) really mean to someone. But rather than responding with anger or becoming defensive, the woman said in a soft, gentle voice, “Do you feel better now that you’ve been mean and disrespectful?” I was stunned and felt like a complete jerk. Even in that painful and humbling moment, however, I learned a powerful life lesson that I have never forgotten—she was absolutely right. Rather than feeling cool or powerful, I felt like an idiot. I decided, right then and there, that I never wanted to be a person who said anything mean about another person. And while I’m sure I have deviated from that lofty ideal on many occasions, I do believe I have stayed relatively close to my goal. My recognition of how bad it felt to say something mean to another person has been a factor in keeping me from repeating this mistake too often.

Obviously, there are tremendous variations of harshness and different ways of expressing negativity with our speech. It can range from the truly hurtful to a seemingly harmless comment. I’ve discovered, however, that whether you’re being cruel, on one end of the spectrum, or innocently negative or sarcastic, on the other, the effects are somewhat similar. If you catch yourself saying something mean (however slight), see if you go on to have a wonderful and peaceful day. My guess is that it won’t happen very often.

There’s a way in which speaking harshly (even slightly) disrupts the harmony of our day. It makes us feel a little off, negative, critical, and suspicious. But the reverse is also true. When the vast majority of our words stem from kindness and love, we feel an accompanying sense of peace and fulfillment, knowing we are doing our part in the creation of a kinder world.

No one is perfect, and we certainly all slip up from time to time. However, most of us (myself included) have plenty of room for improvement. I’ll make you a deal. I’ll do my best to speak with loving kindness as much as possible if you will too. If enough of us take this message to heart, we will all live in a more loving and patient world.