93.

STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT THE COMPLAINING

Being a parent, I’ve learned a lot of interesting things about children. But one thing stands out: Children and complaining go hand in hand! From the day your child is born, when he or she cries and complains out of pure need, to the day your teenager moves out of the house and complains that his or her stereo isn’t good enough, you may never again experience a day without at least some complaining to deal with.

Someone once told me that the reason our children and other family members complain so much is that they feel most comfortable with us. Upon reflecting on this comment, I realized that sometimes I wish my family wasn’t so comfortable with me! I’ll bet there are times when you feel the same way.

I’ve observed two consistent dynamics about complaining that I feel may be useful to share with you. First, listening to other people complain feels stressful and encourages me to complain myself. For example, suppose it’s hot outside and I’m already uncomfortable. Now, one of my daughters begins to complain about how hot and thirsty she is. This reminds me of how uncomfortable I feel and I immediately begin to wish she would stop bringing it up. But kids will be kids. She says it again, and again, and again. Pretty soon, I’m so tired of the complaining that I complain to my wife, “The kids are always complaining.” So, my first observation is that complaining brings on more complaining.

The other observation I’ve had about complaining is that never once has my objection to the complaining stopped it! In fact, it seems that it makes matters worse. It gives the complaining additional energy and feeds the cycle that already exists.

In recent months I’ve made great strides in this area, and it’s been easier than I dreamed possible. Rather than complaining about the complaining, I’ve decided to make peace with the fact that listening to complaining is a fact of life. And to be completely honest, I’ve discovered something truly remarkable: The complaining has lessened substantially. It’s not getting to me nearly as much and there seems to be far less of it to contend with. The fact that I’ve become less emotionally invested in the complaining has made complaining less appealing to my kids. So, my advice is simple: As difficult as it may be at first, and as justified as your own complaints may seem, try to stop your part of the process. My guess is this: If you stop complaining, those complaints that you are forced to listen to will gradually disappear. Good luck on this one, but don’t complain if it doesn’t help!