Chapter 6

 

Professor Abbacus put his anti-fairy spraygun back into his trolley. “Right – this is where it gets a bit tricky. Convoluted. I intend to move across here as quickly as possible, so you’ll all need to step exactly where I step.”

“Uh oh – I remember this when we kept getting pulled back to the Lonely House!” Toby exclaimed.

“It’s no longer here – you don’t need to worry about any extra-dimensional intrusions it might cause. But it might be better if we all hold hands, just in case. Professor Bukarev, since you have some experience here, you bring up the rear, okay?”

“Okay.”

Professor Abbacus took Alice’s hand and she grabbed Toby. Toby took hold of Carla and she linked up with Boris. Boris grabbed his sister’s hand and she joined up with Bukarev. It all looked rather jolly, like this weird little group of supernaturals was about to start dancing merrily across the grassy astral hills.

“Is everyone ready?” Abbacus called.

“Yes!” they all answered, feeling extremely silly.

With his free hand Abbacus grabbed his trolley. He took a big step off to one side, and Alice felt like her arm was being wrenched out of its socket. She managed to step before she could fall on her backside – and immediately slammed into Abbacus, nearly knocking him flat. She almost pulled Toby over behind her.

“I thought you’d been here before, Dribble! You need to compensate for the momentum!” he shouted at her.

“Sorry sir!” she gasped. “It’s been a while!”

But they had already stepped a considerable distance, the ancient forest several hundred metres behind them. The peaceful grassy hills continued to shift up and down like sleeping bodies. They were shaped like sleeping bodies, too. In fact one looked exactly like a small child slumbering with its hand in its mouth and its backside in the air. Small white clouds with faces in them scudded across the sky. More faces looked down from the stairs above.

“Kind of makes you feel a bit exposed, doesn’t it?” asked Toby.

“No time for sightseeing!” called Abbacus, and took a big step forward. Alice almost had to do the splits to follow him, and skidded on wet grass at the other end. This time she did pull Toby over and he landed right on top of her. Carla managed to stay upright.

“Sorry,” Alice mumbled into the grass.

“You are by far the most ungraceful vampire I have ever seen!” declared Abbacus to the sound of Danika’s derisive laughter. Alice picked herself up, brushed herself off, and grabbed hold of the Professor’s hand again, squeezing his fingers as hard as she could in the hope of punishing him for his insult. It didn’t work.

“That’s it. Keep a good grip on me. Maybe now you’ll remain upright.” He looked around, checking their new surroundings. They had landed in a craggier, more mountainous area. Large mossy and lichen-speckled boulders loomed from the hillsides, each with its own distinctive face. They were all staring disapprovingly at the odd group of teachers and students. Alice looked down into the valley below, expecting to see Appleton nestling there, but the valley was devoid of civilisation, containing only small clusters of threes and bushes. Alice opened her mouth to ask Professor Abbacus where they were, but he was already taking a big step sideways.

There was a rush of wind as they shifted, a brief sense of disorientation and nausea, but this time Alice managed to land on both feet without falling. She couldn’t remember leaping about quite this much with Andre. It seemed the Professor was taking as big a step as he could, like he was wearing a pair of fabled seven league boots.

“That’s better, Dribble. Just go with it.”

“Do we really have to jump so far each time?” she gasped.

“It’s a long way out of the Inner Astral Plane. I could take baby steps if you like, but I don’t fancy adding a month onto the trip.”

This time they stood in an even wilder looking area, surrounded by soaring cliffs, tall trees and thick undergrowth. But it bore no similarity to the ancient forest behind the Nocturnal Academy. The trees were taller and thinner, more wildly spaced, growing haphazardly on the uneven slopes. As the little group appeared they directed their numerous faces to frown at them to. Obviously no-one had come this way for a considerable while.

Still holding onto Alice, Professor Abbacus somehow managed to turn one hundred and eight degrees, kick his right leg out like a ballet-dancer, and stomp down on a flat bit of rock a metre and a half away.

“Oh dear Lord!” Alice gasped as she was wrenched into the same manoeuvre. She spun, flung out her right leg, and landed with a bone-jarring thud. A rush of wind, the same stomach-churning wrench – and she landed heavily, losing her grip on Toby. She collided with Abbacus again and this time she knocked him onto his backside on the ground with a loud metallic crash. Now Toby, Carla, Danika and Boris all howled with laughter. Even Bukarev had a smile on his face.

“That’s enough!” Professor Abbacus shouted, at the end of his tether. “You’re really starting to grind my gears! Cast a levitation spell over yourself so I can just pull you along!” Furiously he disentangled herself from her.

“Yes sir!” Miserably Alice cast up the spell. Boris was impressed that someone so young could already work a Second Circle enchantment, and even Danika’s laugh died in her throat. As soon as she felt her feet rise from the ground Professor Abbacus grabbed hold of her hand once more. She held her fingers to Toby.

“Now are we ready?” the Professor called.

“Yes!” everyone responded.

“Good. Hold on tight, Dribble. I don’t want you losing Thompson during mid leap. That could be bad.” Abbacus turned ninety degrees in their latest location – a rocky, scrubby plain littered with boulders and patches of Spinifex – and stepped sideways. Alice let herself be dragged along, and this time didn’t experience any discomfort at all as reality shifted around them.

“That was a lot better, sir. I should have done that at the start.”

He simply grunted and turned again, getting his bearings. This time the landscape was even more desolate – a sandy desert showing no signs of life whatsoever. Alice couldn’t even see any faces. The sky stretching overhead was a featureless grey. Alice couldn’t even tell if it was day or night anymore. Professor Abbacus released Alice’s hand and brushed down his coat. “That’s it. We’ve left the Inner Plane and reached the edge of the Middle. Travelling should be easier now – no more acrobatic leaps are required. But you’ll still need to follow me closely-”

A loud growling noise interrupted him.

He spun, looking wildly around. “What was that? Are we under attack?”

Toby pressed his hands against his middle. “My stomach, sir. I haven’t had anything to eat since breakfast. It must be lunchtime by now, surely?”

“We only just left!” growled Abbacus, who’d never had a particularly good sense of time.

“Er,” Carla checked her watch. “It’s actually three in the morning.”

Abbacus swore. “Alright – we’d better stop so you soft, squishy living people can eat.”

“Hey hey hey – you were the one who invited us to this shindig!” Carla retorted. “You did pack us food, didn’t you?”

“Yes yes yes.” Abbacus opened his trolley and started rummaging around inside.

“I for one could use a break.” Professor Bukarev produced his hip-flask and took a long drink from it. Danika popped a new piece of gum in her mouth. And Boris unwrapped a chocolate bar.

“Wait a minute – if you guys are undead why do you need that stuff?” asked Alice, not caring if Danika bit her head off. “That booze, gum and chocolate?”

Danika did pull a face at her, but Bukarev pocketed his flask and answered amiably; “Abbacus’ machine has one side-effect – it can turn a person – human or supernatural – into a powerful undead creature, but it leaves that person with a need for something he must discover on his own. It is the one and only substance that will regenerate him.”

Alice made the connection right away. “So that’s why Madam Nocturna’s always drinking strawberry milk!”

Bukarev stared at her in surprise. “You know about your principal’s condition?”

“Dribble bullied the information out of me,” grumbled Abbacus as he produced some bags of travelling supplies; trail mix and beef jerky.

“You never struck me as the sort of person who could ever be bullied by anyone,” Bukarev said dryly.

“You don’t know how persuasive Dribble can be, especially after a big fight with a demon lord. Here.” Abbacus slapped one of the bags of trail mix into her hand. He handed the other mix to Carla and gave Toby the jerky. “Something to keep you going.”

“How are these piddly little morsels going to keep us going?” complained Toby. “Isn’t that bag of yours bigger on the inside? How come you didn’t stuff a couple of sides of beef in there?”

Abbacus planted his hands on his hips. “It’s just a snack, Thompson! Dinner later! Now be a good dog, eat your food, and shut up.” He turned away, swearing under his breath.

“I hope he’s not going to be this cranky every time we need to eat, sleep or do other living stuff,” Toby muttered as he gnawed on a strip of the dried meat. It tasted like old shoe leather.

“Do you guys even need to sleep?” Carla asked Bukarev and the Cherenkos.

“No,” they all answered.

“No but you will need to mediate,” Abbacus added. “If you don’t learn how to do that you’ll go start raving mad.” He marched back over to Bukarev and the Cherenkos. “Oleg, you’ve only just been turned – I can show you the technique I use. But you two,” he wagged a bony finger at the pair, “What have you been doing to relax and unwind?”

“Er – we just read books during our down time. It’s amazing how much work we can get done. I’m on my third PhD now,” Boris answered.

Abbacus did not look impressed and planted his hands on his hips. “It’s been months since I turned you. You can’t keep going at such a pace. I thought you two, being so smart, would have realised this and started learning how to meditate on your own, but it looks like I’ll have to teach you too.”

“But we’ve learned so much! Danika has almost finished her degree-”

“Oh yes, it’s fun staying awake for weeks on end, seeing how much you can cram into your mind. How many new volumes you can read, how many new things you can learn. But eventually events will start blurring together. You’ll become confused and paranoid. You might even become delusional. Believe me, I’ve been through it all.”

“But you’re still paranoid and delusional, sir!” called Toby, who was still smarting from being ordered to be a ‘good dog’.

Abbacus turned and glared at him. “Just because we’re stuck here together doesn’t mean you can mouth off, Thompson! You can still go on scullery duty for an entire month when we get back!” He tapped his forehead. “I won’t forget! Eidetic memory!”

“Yes sir – sorry sir! Won’t happen again.” Toby lifted his hands. Carla and Alice were trying very hard not to laugh.

Abbacus wagged his finger in the Cherenkos’ faces again. “Even undead creatures need down time. I will start teaching you when we stop for a rest, and you will take note.”

Bukarev nodded. “Yes sir,” answered the Cherenkos.

Abbacus turned from them to face Toby, Carla and Alice. “I’m sure you three have enough brain power to be able to walk and eat at the same time. Come on.” He collected his trolley and started off across the sand.

“Even I wouldn’t dare call him paranoid and delusional,” Alice whispered to Toby. “Even if it is true.”

Carla snorted.

“I can hear you kids you know,” Abbacus growled from in front of them.

Alice clapped a hand over her mouth.

Now they no longer had to leap through the twisted terrain of the inner astral plane time started to drag. Nothing broke the monotony of their surroundings. Dull grey ground stretched in all directions, almost merging into the dull grey sky. The sand beneath their feet was as fine as flour and puffed out in little clouds around their ankles. It made walking difficult. Toby and Carla tried shifting into their were forms as four legs were more stable than two, but that didn’t make much difference. The smell of the sand reminded them of the smell inside the mirror maze and the labyrinth they’d had to navigate through to get into the Church of the Mirror God. It seemed no-one had ever come this way before, and the only odours they could detect were those of complete and utter agelessness.

Alice sped up to walk beside Professor Abbacus. “Well, this is boring,” she began, hoping to make some conversation.

“It’s the Middle Astral Plane. For the inexperienced traveller it goes on forever. Fortunately I know which way to go.”

“How do you know which way to go? Everything looks the same.”

“I can see the paths.” He didn’t sound like he wanted to talk, so Alice focussed on the dry, featureless sand. I might as well try and learn how to do this, she thought. I’m on Level Four spells – I should start getting some experience at travelling through other realms. If Andre could learn how to do it at a younger age than me, then I can too.

But everything was so dull and grey! Her mind kept wandering from the task at hand. It should be easy to do it here, where there’s nothing out of the ordinary to distract me.

She looked down at Abbacus’ scuffed old boots and followed the path he was taking. Then, for a brief instant, she saw a shift in the colour of the sand, a slightly darker grey that wasn’t a shadow but something else that stretched off ahead of them. She blinked – and it was gone. “I had it sir – for a second I just saw our path.”

He glanced up at her. “Good. Keep concentrating on it. Don’t let it fade. If you keep doing it you’ll eventually be able to see routes all the time.”

She recalled the darker grey line and concentrated on it again. Soon it reappeared, forming a straight line to the almost invisible horizon. “It’s so straight sir – no twists or turns or deviations of any sort.”

“Here twists and turns could take you miles out of your way.”

“So how do you know this is the right path? The one that will take us to the … Outer Plane?”

“Because that is my intention. To travel to the Outer Plane.” He tapped his forehead. “If I was focussed on some other destination the path would lead me there instead.”

“Oh,” said Alice.

“Are you going to be talking the whole way?”

Alice remembered him saying something similar when they had been walking through the Immaterium and grinned. “Probably. Like I said before, this really is very, very boring.”

Abbacus grumbled under his breath.

“So what other destinations can you reach from here?”

“My satellite, the moon, Mars, any other planet in the solar system, actually. Even the sun, although even here it’s a huge flaming ball of gas … or rather fire elementals. Not a particularly safe place unless you’re completely immune to all forms of heat.”

Alice gave a long, low whistle. “There’s so much I don’t know about all this!”

“I could fill a million encyclopaedias with all the things you don’t know, Dribble.”

“I’m sure there are lots of things you don’t know, sir,” Alice grumbled.

“Probably. But I’ve had a lot longer than you to find things out. Every time I meditate I travel these planes and learn more. But it’s not as easy to get lost – I can always use the silver cord to return.”

“What are we talking about?” asked Carla coming up beside Professor Abbacus.

“Yeah,” said Toby, coming up beside Alice. “This desert is really storing to annoy the pants off me.”

Professor Abbacus rolled his eyes and heaved a very loud and theatrical sigh.

 

Not long after he signalled for everyone to stop. “Alright – that’s enough sand in my gears for now. We’ll be stopping here for a little while.”

“Here?” Danika asked dubiously. “Do we need to set up camp or something?”

Professor Abbacus bent over his trolley and poked around inside. “No.” He produced a cube carefully inscribed with runes. “Stay where you are.” He walked a few metres and set it down. Then he snapped his fingers at it and darted back to the group. The little cube started to quiver and emit flashes of light. Then, with a mighty whoomph of power it expanded into a small but fully equipped house. It had a pointy roof, a little chimney issuing smoke, shuttered windows and even a quaint little cobbled path leading up to the front door.

Toby gaped at it. “What … what…” He pointed a shaking finger.

“I refuse to waste time with tents and campfires and digging holes for toilets,” declared Professor Abbacus as he marched up the little stone path. “Now come on!” He pushed the door open and disappeared inside.

“But that’s an entire house!” Toby gasped. “He had an entire house in there!”

“Weren’t you listening before? Tesseract spell.” Alice followed Abbacus into the house.

Inside the Magick house it was clean and dry, with enough bunk beds for everyone. There was a small kitchenette and a bathroom with a fully functioning toilet and shower. There was even a table and set of chairs in the middle. A lamp dangling down from the ceiling provided sufficient illumination for the entre area. Professor Abbacus opened the kitchen fridge and brought out some pre-prepared plates of roast chicken, potatoes and vegetables, piping hot and read to eat. Toby, who’d followed Alice in, could only stare in amazement. “Now this is what I call camping!” he gasped.

“Sir, I can’t wait to learn this Tesseract spell!” Alice cried as she took a seat at the table.

“It’s a Seventh Circle spell, four pages long, involves a dozen finger-dislocating gestures and you need at least five hundred grams of crushed assorted gemstones of a minimum of 9 carats each to make it permanent. It also has a fifteen percent of backfire resulting in instant death from the folding dimensions. Not a lot of coming back from that one. Even I had trouble. It might be a few years before you get to master it.” Abbacus set the three plates out on the table, and then went back to the fridge to fetch some drinks. “And that’s just the basic Tesseract spell, not the one I modified so it could be used in alternate dimensions. That one is six pages long with a twenty five percent of backfire.”

Alice shuddered at the thought as she took a seat.

While Alice, Toby and Carla ate Professor Abbacus cast a spell over himself to flush the sand out of his joints. Danika managed to dive into the shower ahead of Boris, who banged on the door and yelled rude words at her. Professor Bukarev sat down on one of the beds.

“To tell you the truth I do miss sleeping,” he told Abbacus.

Professor straightened up with a loud squeak that sounded like a set of badly tended brakes. He swore. “Now I need some oil,” he grumbled. “I will teach you some basic meditation techniques in a minute.” He rummaged about in his trolley and brought out an oil can. He pulled open his coat and manoeuvred the nozzle into his metal armpit.

At the table Toby burped and pushed away his plate. “That was a great entrée, sir. What’s for mains?”

Abbacus jumped and squirted oil all over the floor. “Deep fried werewolf!”

“Ewww,” said Carla.

“I hope you skin it first,’ said Alice.

“Seriously sir – that was tiny! You mean that’s all there is?”

Professor Abbacus slammed the oil can down in the middle of the table so hard more oil shot out of the nozzle. “I packed enough food for you all to survive, not fill your bellies until you explode!” he snarled in a truly awful temper.

Toby realised he’d probably made one smart-alec comment too many and lifted his hands. “Okay, okay – sorry sir.”

Abbacus snatched up his oil can and stomped back over his trolley.

“Nice one, Thompson!” Alice hissed at him. “Annoy the paranoid, delusional undead Seventh Circle mage!”

“I can still hear you, Dribble,” Abbacus muttered from his corner. “You can join Thompson on his month of scullery duty!”

“Yeah, what’s gotten into you?” asked Carla. “You’ve been really mouthy since this mission started!”

“Oh I don’t know!” Toby grumbled. “I guess I just wish this trip would hurry up and get to the exciting fighting and disembowelling demons part.”

“Well, be patient! It’ll happen soon enough, don’t you worry.” Alice finished the rest of the food on her plate, much to Toby’s disappointment. He glanced at Carla, but she sprouted ears, fangs and whiskers and hissed at him. He shrank back as she put her face down on her plate and licked up the rest of her dinner like a cat.

“Icarus, in my school students never get away with such disrespect towards their teachers,” declared Bukarev from his bunk.

“Yes, I’m sure you have a gulag for all your misbehaving students, complete with whips, stocks and a fully working salt-mine for them to slave away in,” growled Abbacus as he put his oil can away. “But you don’t know what these students have been through with me. That’s why I’m prepared to cut them a little slack. Just a little.” He looked up as Danika emerged from the bathroom wrapped in a towel. Her brother dashed in around her and slammed the door. Danika paused, realising that she’d forgotten her clean clothes and was in a dorm-style room with no privacy. She reddened and dived under the blankets of the nearest bed.

Professor Abbacus rolled his eyes at Bukarev and the Russian principal gave an embarrassed laugh. Then Abbacus headed over to the table, collected the empty plates and rinsed them off in the sink. He shoved them into a cupboard. “They’ll be refilled again tomorrow morning. I programmed this house with enough food to feed three adults breakfast and dinner for two weeks,” he explained.

“So does the waste go?” Toby asked. “The chicken bones you just dumped in the sink. And … whatever’s flushed down the dunny.”

“Obliterated. The waste disposal units in this dwelling are fitted with disintegration spells that activate whenever something’s dropped into them. So don’t drop anything you really want to keep down the toilet. I won’t be going after it.” Professor Abbacus chose one of the lower bunks and sat down on it cross-legged. Danika chose that moment to crawl out of her bed, dressed in a long t-shirt. Sheepishly she combed her fingers through her long blonde hair. “We might as well start the meditation session. When Boris finishes prettying himself up he can join us,” he told her and Bukarev. Somewhat reluctantly Danika approached him and sat down on the floor in front of him. Bukarev slid off his bunk and joined her.

But Boris took even longer in the shower than Danika did, and by the time he emerged Alice, Carla and Toby were waiting impatiently outside for the loo. “There ought to be a rule,” Alice declared. “Those who still have bladder functions should get to use the facilities first.”

“You snooze you loose,” declared Danika with a wicked little laugh.

“Pay attention!” Professor Abbacus snapped at her. “You are learning to relax, not make snide comments! Just because you’re no longer shackled by the demands of your body doesn’t mean you still can’t suffer from anxiety and stress. You too must learn how to empty your mind so nothing remains.”

“Shouldn’t be too hard for you, Danika,” Boris quipped as he sat down beside her. “There wasn’t that much in there in the first place!”

She elbowed him in the ribs so hard he yelped.

“That’s enough!” shouted Abbacus. “There must be no more talking, no more stupid jokes or jocularity. This is important. None of you realise how your thoughts circle endlessly, like rats chasing their tails or cockroaches orbiting a drain. So many different, unrelated issues, all clamouring to be heard, demanding like small children. They must all go until nothing remains. Nothing but darkness. You must learn how not to think.”

Alice would have dearly loved to hear the rest of the lesson, but she had to use the facilities. When she came back out and Carla went in behind her Professor Abbacus was intoning a strange chant that sounded suspiciously like Magick. At certain points in the chant he clapped his hands. Bukarev, Boris and Danika tried to follow but they didn’t seem to have the hang of the rhythm yet.

Alice realised that she was suddenly, desperately tired, and crawled into one of the beds. She thought she wouldn’t be able to fall asleep while the Professor was chanting, but despite the soft, rasping nature of his voice it was eerily soothing. She closed her eyes and was out barely minutes later.

 

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