Silently, her head downcast, Barbara walked out slowly beside her husband, Ben Anderson. She knew he was fuming just because of the expression on his face. They had all gone to the meeting held after she had accused Emma, her younger sister, of trying to seduce Ben.
Only, it hadn’t turned out the way Barbara had planned or envisioned. Instead, Emma had brought up seeing an expression that Barbara hadn’t been aware was on her face—a look of satisfaction. Even worse, character witnesses for Emma had stood and spoken up. In the end, the elders had found that the allegations of impropriety against Emma were baseless and told her that she would go unpunished!
Behind Barbara and Ben, her sisters and parents walked to their own buggy. Like Barbara and Ben, they were also silent, aware of the large divide that had just opened up between them.
For Barbara, the ride home was painful, full of tension and waves of strong anger that she felt rolling off of Ben. When they finally pulled into their yard, she jumped out of the buggy, nearly stumbling as her weight pulled her down. Turning, she saw Ben, his back rigid, wheel the buggy and horses to the barn. He said nothing to her. Her head downcast, Barbara went into the house, longing for the moment when she could go for the kinder.
In the barn, Ben quickly unhitched the team, giving them a cursory brushing and giving them feed and water. Instead of going into the house, he went to the other side of the barn, where he sat on one end of a long bench. There, he dropped his head in his hands and let out a long, shaky sigh. Why did she turn so sour and mean? As he thought of his wife, his eyes stung. He squeezed his eyes shut, but the tears leaked through anyway, hot and wet on his palms. I never know which Barbara I’m going to see when I come in after working. Will she be angry? Or will she try to be a sweet, loving wife and mam? Ja, she takes gut care of the kinder. But she seems to dislike Emma so much. And it got worse after Emma started working to lose her weight. Ben looked up at the sound of a solid knock on the barn door. “Ja?”
“Ben, it’s me, Jacob. Jacob King.”
“Ach, come in!” Ben wiped all evidence of tears from his face. Standing, he pasted a smile on his face.
Jacob wasn’t smiling. He wasn’t happy about what had happened to his love. Even though she was cleared of the charges, the stain would remain. “Ben, before this morning’s meeting, you told me your horses need re-shoeing today. You knew I would be at this morning’s meeting, supporting Emma, and not available for appointments.
“I’m not going to do it. I’m going to check the condition of their hooves and write up a note. I’m giving you the names of several farriers I trust. I’m not going provide services to your horses again, because of your unreasonable demand this morning and because of what your wife did to her own sister. Emma is not going to be trusted here until wives are sure she isn’t going to do what your own wife accused her of doing. And you didn’t even try to stop her!”
“Jacob! Please, don’t stop working with my horses!” Taking the list of names, he wrinkled it and threw it to one side. “I’m sorry! I tried to get her to stop. Truly, I did... I—”
“What did you do? Did you tell her to go to the elders and tell them she was dropping the allegations, maybe? Or confront her, knowing you and Emma had done nothing wrong? I doubt it.” Jacob clamped his mouth shut before he said something he would regret.
“But Jacob, I... I tried—”
“How, Ben? How?”
“I asked her if she really wanted to go through with this. I knew Emma had done nothing wrong! I asked her why she was doing it.”
“You knew Emma had done nothing, yet you didn’t go to the elders and tell them that your own wife had lied about Emma’s supposed actions.” Jacob whipped his hat from his head and raked his hand through his hair. Looking at Ben, he said one more thing before leaving. “You are a coward.”
Then, he wheeled around and returned, checking the horses’ hooves quickly. “Call one of those farriers. You’re letting their shoes get dangerously loose.” Then, he was gone.
***
In the Lapp home, Emma sat in the kitchen, eating her yogurt. After the stress of the morning, she was shaky and felt weak. “Mam, I’m relieved that the elders and community decided not to charge me with anything. But, now I’m wondering, why? Why did Barbara do that?” Her own sister. Emma had looked up to and admired Barbara through her childhood. Always knowing she'd never measure up. She wanted, needed to believe that her sister loved her. But now it was impossible. Setting her spoon down, she sobbed.
Ann sat next to Emma, gripping her shoulders in both of her hands. “She is troubled. She is beautiful. You are beautiful. Please don’t let that go to your head., but it needs saying. And maybe we didn't tell you enough. Or maybe we told Barbara too much. I don't know what we did wrong. How she put so much of her own feelings of self-worth into her appearance. We never taught her that! I love all of my kinder, but I am going to have to give her some time to think about her actions.”
Hearing a knock at the door, Emma got up and went to open it. “Jacob, come in.”
“Are you okay?”
“Ja and nee. If that makes any sense.” Emma sighed. “Jacob, I am just so ferhoodled! Come into the kitchen.” Walking next to Jacob, she struggled with her emotions.
“Ann, how is everyone doing?” Jacob was concerned about the Lapp family because of Barbara’s intemperate actions.
“We are hurting. We know why she did it, ja. But that doesn’t make it any easier.” Ann got up and poured a cup of coffee for Jacob. Looking at Emma, she saw her shake her head, indicating she didn’t want coffee.
“Well, since we have an idea of why she did it, that brings you closer to being able to forgive her, ja?”
Emma sighed, thinking. “Ja. But I am still angry. I don’t trust her, and I won’t ever forget this. Ever!” Rising, she walked to the opened kitchen door, where she allowed the snowy scene to calm her spirit. “Mam, I can't spend very much time with her right now. I’m afraid I would say something that I’d end up regretting.”
“That's going to make family gatherings more difficult, but I do understand. Right now, I can’t abide the thought of spending even fifteen minutes with her. I would...explode. I know it!”
Jacob walked over to Emma. “Come and sit with us. We’ll get through it together.”
Emma sighed, returning to the table. Instead of taking her usual chair, she sat next to Jacob. This allowed her to see Barbara’s rounded form as she hurried up the porch steps. “I don’t believe this, Mam! Barbara’s here. I’ll be in my room.”
Ann and Jacob allowed her to make her escape. Jacob opened the front door, letting Barbara in. “Where’s Ben and the kinder?”
“At home. I saw Emma leave the kitchen. I want to—”
Jacob grabbed Barbara’s round arm. “Hold it. She is very hurt, and rightfully so. She knows that if she spends any amount of time with you, she’ll lose her temper and say something she doesn’t want to say. Leave her be.”
“She’s my sister, Jacob!”
Jacob felt his control slipping. “And now you remember that? You hurt her terribly! You accused her of something she would never do. And she knows that at some point she’ll have to be around you. Why would you make her hurt any more than she’s hurting now? Are you aware that she knows that members here still see her as a woman who would prey on married men, even though those charges were found to be baseless?”
Barbara had been ready with another fast retort, which died before it reached her lips. She hadn’t thought about Emma’s feelings, only about making her look like less than an upright Amish woman. Trying to keep the upper hand, she yanked her arm out of Jacob’s grasp. “Let me go!”
In her temporary room, Emma heard the argument. Quietly, she sat herself in front of the door, with her back leaning on it. Her knee hurt when she pulled it up to her chest, so she straightened it in front of her. The door didn't lock, but if Barbara came up, she'd have to give it a fierce shove to get in. Hopefully, it wouldn't come to that. Emma couldn’t deal with her sister today. She wiped the heel of her hand over her cheeks, swallowing down more tears.
The sound of footsteps climbing the stairs. Emma shivered. She knew the cadence of her sister's movements.
A soft knock sounded on the door. "Emma?"
Emma stayed silent.
“Come on, I just want to talk."
"Leave me alone."
"Open this door! I’m still your older sister!” The knob turned, and Barbara pushed the door inwards, but Emma's weight was still enough that it barely moved. A nervous laugh rose to Emma's throat. If she kept losing weight, how long would she remain an effective doorstop?
If Barbara gave the door a real shove, would she still be able to hold her sister back?
Another set of footsteps, heavy and fast, approached. “Daughter, leave her alone!”
“Dat, I just want to talk to her!”
“Get over here! Now! I sai—" He stuttered, and then coughed.
"Dat!" Barbara sounded really scared now. "Dat! Someone help me! Help!"
Emma got up and yanked the door open. Barbara knelt next to their father, who had collapsed against the wall, knees bent in front of him. John gasped as he spoke. “Now, I want you to think...about...about what...” Agony rippled over his face. He clutched his chest.
"Jacob!" Emma shouted down the stairs. "Mam! Dat needs a doctor!"
Dad tried to lift his arm, as though waving Emma's concern away, but he was too weak to do much more than lift it a little.
Jacob dashed up the stairs, Ann on his heels. "Emma—" Jacob started, then looking down at their father said, "We—you're right—he needs a doctor. Emma, get some pillows from your bedroom. We'll lay him down and get him as comfortable as he can. I'll run to Mr. Stoltzfus's and use his phone."
Ann fell to her husband's side and cupped his face in her hands. "John," she said softly. When he didn't respond, she shouted. "John!"
He opened his eyes. "Ann," he whispered. "Don't worry about—" he took a ragged breath, and grimaced. "I—"
"Don't talk," Ann ordered.
"Won't it be faster to take the buggy?" Barbara suggested. She clutched her dat's hand, her cheeks wet with tears. "I'm so sorry. You shouldn't have been hurt!"
"We don't know if we can get him down the stairs without—"
"He can't just die in our hallway!" Barbara sobbed. "Oh Gott, save him! Gott..." Her words became an incoherent mix of prayers and demands.
Emma looked down at her dat, mam, and Barbara. Tears streamed down her cheeks. Barbara was right. They couldn't leave him here and hope that Jacob had the time to get to a phone and direct the ambulance. The urgent care was about ten minutes from them by buggy. Of course, if her daed was having a heart attack, the urgent care clinic wouldn't be able to help like a hospital, but they'd have cars, ambulances, and hopefully someone who knew enough to get him stable enough to go to an emergency room. But the stress of being carried down the stairs and riding in the buggy might be too much for him.
Dear Gott, what should I do? Whatever you tell me please, just give me some guidance. Please.
"The buggy," Emma blurted out. Her words gained confidence as she spoke. "We need to get him to the buggy. We can go to the urgent care center. It's only ten minutes from here. The one you took me when I over ate that time and got so sick."
Jacob nodded. "Barbara. Ann. Take his legs. I'll get his arms. Once we have him in the buggy, I'll get the horses on. We'll be there in no time." His smile was thin and stiff. It wasn't reassuring. Dat coughed again. He was breathing through his teeth, hissing faintly with each inhalation.
Emma walked behind Jacob, her mam and sister, feeling useless as they got him downstairs and onto the sofa, his back propped up against some pillows. Ann laid a cold, damp washcloth on his forehead. Her lips moved in a silent prayer.
"Dat?" Barbara asked. She sat on the floor, leaning her head against the side of the sofa as she held their father's hand. Emma stood over them, watching her father breathe and trying desperately to stamp down a sinful stab of anger and jealousy at her sister, who had caused this, but still had the privilege of holding their dat's hand.
What if it really is my fault?
Emma pushed the thought down as quickly as it rose. Her mouth was dry. Her nose dripped. Guilt hung over her like a sickly cloud. If only she'd been better able to control her eating, then she wouldn't have needed the surgery. If she hadn't needed the surgery, maybe Barbara wouldn't have had any reason to become so hateful.
Jacob came back. "The horses are hitched," he said. "How's umm—how's he doing?"
"He's trying to talk," Barbara said. Emma didn't see it, but she nodded.
“Barbara, Ann, I’m going to need all your help. We’re going to have to carry him outside.
Emma knew Jacob hadn't asked her because he was concerned about her recovery from the surgery, but that had been so long ago. "I can help," Emma said.
"Are you—"
"I'll get into the wagon and help to pull him in. That won't put pressure on my knee. Then Dat can rest his head on my lap, and Barbara and Mam can help steady him. Please." Jacob had to trust her judgment and abilities. If he couldn't now, how could they depend on each other in marriage?
Jacob nodded. "Okay. I’ve moved the wagon to the front of the steps. Ann, can you get in safely so you can help pull him in? You’ll have to sit down to do so, and then scoot back. I’ll help you move into the seat.”
The two hurried outside and Emma was quickly ensconced in the rear of the wagon, where she helped to tug John’s limp body inside. Using her good leg, she scooted back as the others pushed him into the wagon.
“Okay, I’ll help you two onto the seat and we’ll go. We’ll have to go as fast as we can. Emma, is your dat breathing?”
Emma checked. “Ja, but it’s kind of weak. Hurry!”
“I am, sweet one, I am.” Emma would only remember the rest of the trip as flashes. Her dat's face growing redder and redder until it looked almost like a bruise. Barbara crying. Jacob's knuckles white on the reins as he drove.
Fortunately, by Gott's grace, an ambulance was parked at the entrance to the urgent care center. Jacob jumped down from the buggy and dashed into the urgent care center. A minute later, the ambulance's lights came on and the back doors opened. A man in blue scrubs and a red-haired woman in a doctor's coat ran out with another, shorter, walnut brown in jeans and a bright purple t-shirt with a cat on it. She had a bandage on her right forearm with a lopsided oval of blood seeping through it. "Where's the patient," she said. Her voice was deep with a southern twang.
"Who are you?" Barbara shouted.
"Dr. Cofer. And if someone in there's having a myocardial infarction, I'm the best person to see about it as I'm the head of Cardiac at Lancaster General. I tried to take one day off," she muttered the last. "Now are you going to open this door?"
"Yes, Ma'am," Emma said. Within minutes, they'd transferred her dat and mam into the ambulance. The doctor in the cat t-shirt jumped in with an EMT. They spoke rapidly to each other as the driver shut the ambulance door.
"They're heading to Lancaster General. Did you need someone to call you a taxi?" the other doctor asked.
"It's another 15 minutes by buggy," Jacob said. "I think we can make it on our own."
Emma and Barbara avoided each other's gazes as they rode to the hospital. When they reached the emergency room, Ann was sitting on a bench, her eyes shut, hands folded.
"Mam!" Barbara shouted. "Oh mam!" She ran to her mam's side and sobbed.
"We're still waiting to hear how he's doing," Ann said. Barbara reached out, as though she wanted to take her mam's hand, but Ann flinched, angling her body subtly away from her daughter. "They say Dr. Cofer saved his life. We were so blessed that she was there."
Emma thought back to her prayer, the certainty of her words. She sat down on the other side of her mam. "So blessed," she said. She didn't reach for her mam's hand, afraid that Ann would flinch from her too.
They waited. At some point, Jacob left the room and came back with three steaming cups of coffee and one of decaffinated tea. He handed her the tea. "You think this wouldn't be so difficult to find in a hospital. But it's mostly junky food."
Emma smiled. "Danki," she said, with joy blossoming in her heart. Jacob was always so considerate of her. So kind. She loved him so much.
Hours passed before Doctor Cofer returned. She wore a white lab coat and scrubs in place of the cat t-shirt and jeans she'd been in previously. “Mrs. Lapp and family?" she drawled. "Your husband suffered a myocardial infarction. He had two sites of blockage, the second more severe at 96%. We were able to stabilize him, put in a stent, and start medication. He's conscious, but he will need to be in the hospital for a few days so he can recover."
Ann sagged against Barbara and Emma, who both tried not to cry at the good news.
"He will need to take it very easy for the next eight weeks. The heart is a muscle, and it has suffered damage from this incident. You are fortunate you were able to get him care quickly. You will need to make some significant changes to his and your diet.”
"We have made so many, cutting carbohydrates and fats, for Emma's sake, her surgery."
"That's good," Dr. Cofer said. "And every change you make will help him, and all of ya'll, live longer, healthier lives. Would you like to see him?”
“Ja, please!”
Jacob intervened. “Emma and I will go in after you, Ann.”
Ann smiled, grateful for Jacob’s gesture. “Denki.” She and Barbara hurried into the patient care area.
Jacob and Emma sat and waited, talking quietly. “I don’t think Barbara’s actions at your house this afternoon helped your dat. But the heart attack was waiting to happen, even though he’s been losing weight. Once he recovers and gets medications and a treatment plan, he will be all right. But he has to continue eating the right foods. Emma, you can be such a help to him.”
“I know. But how can I do so if Barbara is always coming around and causing trouble?”
Jacob had been thinking about this. “I have an idea. After we go home, I’ll...nee, we will have a stern talk with her.”
“But Jacob, I don’t want to have any contact with her!”
“I know. But the only way you’re going to get your message across to her is to talk to her, at least today. After that, you can forgive her and then ignore her until you’re able to communicate with her—at least without worrying you’re going to explode from anger.”
Emma sighed. She knew Jacob was right. That didn’t make the prospect any easier to bear. “Okay. But once I’ve made my feelings clear, I am going to stay clear of her for the time being. Until I can figure out how to even look at her without blowing up, it’s just safer that we not communicate.”
She didn't, couldn't mention the feelings of crushing guilt that lingered beneath her anger.
***
Barbara and Ann heard what Emma said. Ann looked at Barbara and took her arm. “Daughter, do you hear that? She has every right to be angry with you. We love you. She loves you. But what you did was...unimaginable. I can’t think of anyone else who has pulled this kind of action, ever. Barbara, why? Why did you do it?”
Barbara was supremely uncomfortable revealing her fear that her younger sister would be seen as more attractive in the next several months. She shrugged and mumbled.
“Nee, daughter, that won’t work on me. You look at me and tell me exactly what led you to think that telling these lies about Emma was acceptable.” Ann’s voice was low and stern. Her eyes held anger and pain.
Barbara shifted back and forth, remembering when her strong mam would do this when she and her siblings were children. “Mam! I can’t!”
“You can, and you will. Now.” Ann followed her words up by sitting down firmly on a nearby chair.
Barbara looked around. Nobody was watching them, save the odd English person, curious about the plain clothing worn by her, her mam, Emma and Jacob. She looked around, trying to spot her sister. Seeing her in quiet conversation with Jacob, she tried to muster up opposition to her mother’s command. As she swung her gaze back to Ann, she realized her mam was serious. Sitting next to her, Barbara quickly realized she was just about too big for the chair. “Mam, I made a horrible mistake. Can we just leave it there? I will ask Emma for her forgiveness and I do repent of my actions.”
That would be enough. It had to be enough. Barbara could not admit out loud her true thoughts and feelings about her sister. They were wrong. Sinful. And she knew better, but—She couldn't admit it.
Looking up, she saw Emma and Jacob walking toward the patient cubicles. “I...” Inspiration struck. “I have seen Emma becoming prideful because of her weight loss.” She shrugged. “I figured she needed to remember where she comes from.”