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Lady Eleanor Wolfe, the only daughter of the Marquis of Riplingham, was rather pleasing to the eye, Miles could not help but notice as they were dancing. She had blonde hair with streaks of light brown and grey eyes that sparkled with joy.
She was intelligent and had a dry sense of humor that matched his well. He should be glad that his mother had chosen her. He should probably be proud that he was marrying her in only two weeks. It was only what she deserved, and yet, he didn't feel anything.
No desire that his hand was resting on her hip and that he, from time to time, was able to pick up the scent of her perfume. A heavy scent of vanilla, unlike that of spring flowers that Alicia used. He felt no pride that he was marrying the daughter of an influential, although eccentric, man. Right now, his future father-in-law seemed like the greatest perk of the match. Miles hoped that he, as the marquis's son-in-law, would be permitted to see his collection of phallic figures.
He escorted Eleanor back to her parents as the dance ended.
"So, Lindley, are you ready for the joyous occasion?" the marquis asked in a jovial tone of voice.
Miles mumbled a response and an apology that he thought he had seen a friend enter the cardroom. The marquis nodded and let him go without further comment.
As he passed the door to the cardroom, he fought the urge to look back to check that the marquis was not looking. But even if Eleanor or her parents noticed, he didn't want to change his course. He hurried down a hallway, up a flight of stairs and found an empty, dark, drawing room.
He took a deep breath. Then another. Rested his hands on the smooth, cool surface of a mahogany table and bent his head. He could do this. It was just one of those things that he had to do as an earl. It was like doing the books or talking to the steward. Only he had to sleep with Eleanor.
Sweet, vanilla-scented Eleanor, who meant nothing to him. Who did nothing for his body. But Alicia was right. His only focus should be on consummating the marriage, then they could always work on an heir later. When his penis worked. He hadn't been able to sleep with Alicia yet and he had rarely desired a woman as much as her. If ever. Sleeping with Eleanor, who he only felt a vague fondness for, would be a challenge indeed.
He walked to the window and looked at the dark street below. A couple of carriages were going by. He could hear the clatter of the hooves over the music streaming from the ballroom. Over his own heartbeat even.
His hands were clammy, and he dried them on his breeches. He had promised his mother he would stay until midnight and dance at least twice with Eleanor. His mother had found his attention towards his fiancée lacking, and he had spent the last two weeks trying to rectify it. She was quite right; he should spend more time with Eleanor and less with Alicia. Even though his mother thankfully didn't know about her.
It was just . . . he couldn't stay away from her. Alicia that was. She had somehow become his best friend and the object of his desire all at once. He had never thought it possible. He felt as if she was the only one he could be himself around.
He had wondered whether it was simply because she was the only one who knew about his impotence. But it was more than that. She never judged him. She never laughed at matters important to him, although she certainly didn't shy away from teasing him.
Perhaps if Richard hadn't married, then he wouldn't have needed a confidant as much. Then maybe he wouldn't have felt as dependent on her as he did. Maybe they could have merely slept together and enjoyed each other's company. Then maybe he would have been able to appreciate Eleanor more fully.
But as it was now, just the thought of not seeing her for the two weeks that his honeymoon lasted made him feel empty and hollow inside.
***
The housekeeper, Martha, led him to the green bedroom on the third floor. Alicia’s private bedroom. It was after midnight, after all, and only natural that she had gone to bed. But when the housekeeper opened the door, he saw that the candles were lit and there was a fire in the hearth, despite it being June.
Alicia was lying flat on the bed with a brick in a piece of cloth on her stomach. Even though she was obviously in pain, she smiled brightly as she saw him. The smile instantly sent the corners of his own mouth up, making the heavy thoughts from earlier vanish.
He stepped into the room and sat down on the bed next to her. He vaguely noticed that the housekeeper closed the door from the outside.
"I hope you weren't planning on the two of us sleeping together," Alicia said with a tired smile.
"A man is allowed to hope," Miles mumbled as he pulled off his shoes and lay down on the bed beside her.
"Well, there will be none of that," Alicia murmured goodhumoredly, before an expression of pain flickered across her features.
"No, evidently," Miles mumbled and took her hand. "Do you mind if I stay? I had to go to this dreadfully boring ball and all I could think was that the only thing that would make it fun was you being there."
Alicia laughed shortly, before taking a deep breath, as if in pain. Miles remembered that she had said there was nothing to do about the pain, except have a child.
"Have you ever considered having a baby — to be rid of the pain?" he asked.
"Every month since I was fifteen," Alicia said dryly.
"Why didn't you then?"
In her line of work, it would be easy for her to conceive a child by one of her patrons. In fact, a patron would usually pay her more if she had his child.
When she didn't answer right away, Miles looked at her face. She was searching his, clearly trying to figure out why he had asked. Oh, no. He prayed that she didn't think that he had just volunteered to impregnate her. Despite his reluctance to father an illegitimate child, it would put him under too much pressure if she wanted to. But in the end, she didn't comment on his motives but simply answered his question.
"I want my children to be legitimate," she said in a strained voice.
Miles felt certain that she knew she would never marry. It was unlikely that any man would ever ask her; the thought of one doing so made his mouth taste sour, though. The conversation had become too serious, and Miles rose to open the windows. He noticed a tray with a glass of lemonade and a bottle of laudanum.
"I always thought that if I became pregnant, I would leave town," Alicia went on behind him. "Go as far away as possible. Jemima and I used to joke that we would go to Land’s End in Cornwall. It seemed the furthest away we could go while on English soil — and not having to brave a Scottish winter. There we would pretend to be widows, so our children would be respectable."
He smiled at her idea as he sat down on the bed again. It was both childish, given where she thought of going, but also adult and responsible in the way that she would shield her child as much as possible.
"It sounds like a good plan," he said softly. He stroked her thigh through the thin fabric of the night gown and her drawers. "Do you mind if I take some of my clothes off? I know nothing will happen, but it's smoldering in here."
Alicia told him that it was fine, and Miles stripped to his small clothes before crawling into bed again.
"Tell me about this ball you attended," she prodded after a moment.
"Just a boring, stuffy ball, thrown by the Countess of Hambleton. My mother wanted me to attend and acquaint myself better with Eleanor."
"A very thoughtful idea," Alicia mumbled. If she minded that he was marrying someone else, her facial expression didn't show. But she was used to sharing men with their wives after all. "Did you then? Become better acquainted?"
"A little. We danced," Miles said and shifted in bed to lie on his side, facing Alicia. "Tell me something fun," he demanded, trying to pry his thoughts away from Eleanor.
"Something fun, like a joke?"
"No, like . . . what was the craziest thing you did as a child?"
He listened to Alicia tell a story of how she and a friend had climbed onto the roof of the six-story building they lived in because they wanted to know whether they could see the Thames from up there. They could, as it turned out. But both of them had received a spanking when their worried mothers had caught them.
They swapped childhood stories for a couple of hours. Laughing and talking effortlessly in a way Miles was only able to with few other people. Alicia yawned and said she needed to rest. She asked him to reheat the brick and help her administer a dose of laudanum before he left.
"Do you want me to leave?" Miles asked, keeping his voice as neutral as possible, when he placed the brick in the lit fireplace.
"You're welcome to stay, but I want to sleep," Alicia said. There was an insecure quality to her voice that he had rarely heard before.
"Of course, my plan was to sleep as well," Miles said as he carefully wrapped the brick again.
Alicia nodded and looked at the brick when she placed it on her stomach. Miles helped her take a dose of laudanum and then blew out the candles. By the time he lay next to Alicia again, she was already asleep, knocked out by the laudanum.
He gently took her hand, watching her face that looked serene as she slept. Clearly the laudanum helped her. This was what it had to be like to be married. To fall asleep next to someone even though you hadn't slept with her — and knew you weren't going to the next morning.
In his previous affairs, he had always tried not to stay with the lady during the night. It usually gave women the wrong idea of his intentions. He should have left now, as well. Even though he didn't think that Alicia was the sort to set her cap for him because they had been to bed together, he certainly didn't want to mislead her.
Gently, as not to wake her, he stroked her cheek. He knew he should leave as much for her sake as for his own. Yet he couldn't.