| |
Alicia placed the bouquet of wildflowers in the window overlooking the meadow behind the house. They had been lucky to rent the cottage close to Land’s End. It smelled a bit stuffy after having been closed off for several months, but the summer air helped, and the breeze brought in the fresh smells of the flowers.
It had a decent kitchen that Martha was trying to make into her own. Constantly arranging and rearranging it to fit her needs. It had two parlors downstairs, a drawing room, a dining room, a library, five good bedrooms upstairs and an attic with several rooms for servants. She would probably have to hire a maid soon and then, of course, a nanny when the baby came.
If it came. She wasn't even two months along. It had only been two weeks since she had realized that her monthly courses had stopped. Being in so much pain every month, she knew exactly when to expect it and had known right away that she was expecting. She had started feeling queasy in the mornings now, which Martha said was a strong sign.
But, nevertheless. Many pregnancies ended before they had even begun properly. Her sister Jemima had miscarried twice. It could happen. Alicia tried to tell herself that she couldn't be too happy yet, even though she could feel the excitement bubble under her skin.
"It looks lovely," Martha said from the doorway. "I hope Jane remembers to send the curtains from your green drawing room. They will fit in perfectly here."
Alicia turned to her. Martha had a streak of dirt across her face and the sleeves of her dress were rolled up to her elbows.
"We should have brought more of our belongings," she said.
They had travelled with only what they could have in two valises, since they were travelling by post chaise.
"No, it was the right decision to secure a house before we brought our belongings," Martha said and walked into the room. She gently placed a hand on Alicia's arm and they both turned to look at the meadow.
"This will be a good place to grow up, will it not?" Alicia asked breathily.
"The best," Martha said reassuringly.
Alicia had to fight the tears of gratitude that Martha was there. The twenty-years-older woman had been nothing but supportive, even though Alicia had uprooted her from the existence she knew. Alicia’s own mother had tried to hide her disappointment as Alicia told her she was leaving and why. The words: "I had wished for better for you" hung heavy in the air, even if they had never been spoken.
***
Alicia awoke in the darkness in her bedroom. For a moment certain that someone else was in the room with her. That she could feel his kiss on her cheek and forehead.
"Miles?" she whispered, but of course no one was there. It had been a dream. Again. She had dreamed of him every night since she'd left London. That he would come for her. It was ridiculous, she knew. But the thought didn't stop the fat, hot tears from rolling down her cheeks and landing on her pillow.
He was married. No matter how much she wanted him to come for her, he wouldn't. Couldn’t.
It was why she had left before he returned. If she had seen him again, she was not sure she would have been able to leave. And if the child came to be born, everyone would know that it was his illegitimate child. Here, no one seemed to question she was a widow and all of the locals referred to her as Mrs. Jones.
No, she couldn't have stayed. She had to start over for the sake of her child. Despite what she felt for Miles, her child had to be more important.
***
The next day she woke up at nine and hurried downstairs to eat, since she had found eating subdued the morning sickness. Afterwards, she helped Martha around the house. Since they had yet to hire a maid, there was too much work for Martha to handle alone. Besides, it was a relief doing the work, as it took her mind of everything else. Martha would not let her do any heavy work due to her condition, but Alicia dusted all surfaces, aired all the rooms, and made their beds.
When this was done, she retreated to the shadow of a large beech tree in the back of the garden. Luckily, the house had come with a set of garden recliners and one of the first things they had done was place them in the perpetual shade under the tree.
Alicia had thought that despite the queasiness in the morning, the start of a pregnancy wouldn’t come with any other ailments. But she had never been so hot in her life before. She wore her thinnest dresses and slept without clothes, but was still soaked in sweat. Granted it was the end of July, but it seemed unnatural. Like constantly being in a hothouse.
Her rest in the shade under the tree was the highlight of the day. She would nap or simply look up at the roof of leaves above her, rustling sluggishly in the stale wind.
Martha would normally wake her when their lunch was ready in the afternoon, around four. They still hadn't quite adjusted to country hours and, at any rate, it was too hot to eat anything in the middle of the day.
This afternoon, she woke up as Miles was stroking her cheek. Or at least she imagined it was him. She kept her eyes closed, lingering between dreaming and being awake. She smiled as she imagined his touch. It was very soft, yet felt so real, and she was even sure she could smell his cologne.
"Alicia," he murmured.
Alicia sat up abruptly, smacking her forehead into Miles' nose. He jumped back with a cry of pain, holding his bleeding nose as Alicia rubbed her sore forehead.
"What are you doing here?" Alicia said as he plummeted into the other garden recliner, facing her.
"I came to see you; quite the welcome, I might add."
She could both see the smile in his eyes and hear it in his voice, even though she couldn't see it on his face since he had pressed a handkerchief under his bleeding nose.
"Why are you here?" she asked, holding her breath. Not daring to hope, but not able to withhold that hope.
He dried his nose and removed his handkerchief, but as he did so, a fresh trickle of blood ran down his upper lip.
"You East Enders certainly know how to butt heads," he commented dryly as he placed the handkerchief under his nose again.
Alicia sighed and folded her hands in her lap, not dignifying his joke with an answer. A million questions flooded her mind and yet he had not answered a single one. Since he was here, he had to know she was expecting. The reason she had chosen Land’s End was that if he remembered their conversation, he would know where to look for her.
Miles kept dabbing his nose and Alicia looked away from him to the sunny garden. He'd probably offer her money, perhaps ask her to move back to London to be his mistress. He would say that it didn't matter that people knew the child was illegitimate. Since it was his child, he would make sure everything would be fine. He was an earl after all.
"I'm here to propose," Miles said. Alicia's head snapped back to look at him.
"What?!" she shrieked, and she otherwise thought of herself as a woman that never shrieked — unless in bed perhaps.
His voice was muffled by his handkerchief; surely, he had said he would make her a proposal or something of the sort.
"I'm here to propose," Miles repeated, dabbing his nose again and then looking with a frown at the handkerchief, supposedly because his nose was still bleeding.
"So, you want to become a bigamist?" Alicia said sarcastically and crossed her arms over her chest.
Miles looked incredulously at her.
"What? No." He moved to sit beside her, placing his bloody handkerchief in his pocket, before taking her hands in his. He took a deep breath, as if he had something of great importance to announce to her. “Did you know that I am also a baron?”
“Did you only recently find out?” Alicia asked with a frown, not certain how this was relevant.
“No,” Miles huffed with a smile and his hold on her hands tightened as if he was afraid that she would redraw them. “No, it was a title my father inherited from one of his uncles when I was an adolescent. I used it as a courtesy title until I inherited the earldom.”
Alicia opened her mouth, but had no retort to that. This was not how she had imagined the moment. Not at all, in fact. And she had envisioned it at least five times a day.
“I see,” was all she finally settled on, since she did not know how to go on.
Miles chuckled and shifted on the recliner to sit a little closer to her. Their thighs were pressed against each other now and although Alicia felt a comfortable warmth spread in her lower stomach, she could not allow herself to hope. She shifted herself to create half an inch of distance between their thighs, even though she did not let go of her hands. Her move made Miles stop chuckling immediately. He cleared his throat.
“I beg your pardon. I was telling you about my being a baron, because I forgot to sign the title on the marriage license. Which means that my marriage to Eleanor was, strictly speaking, not valid. Usually, the bishop will simply correct the mistake, but since I paid . . .” Miles cleared his throat again. “Since I donated a rather substantial sum of money to the parish, he agreed to an annulment. Especially because Eleanor’s father did not object to it.”
He gulped audibly and Alicia imagined that several unpleasant conversations and probably also a good deal of money lay behind the annulment. She gulped herself as she realized the severity of what he had just told her.
“As you can, of course, understand from this, I would not be a bigamist if we married . . .” he began.
"Is this because of the child?" Alicia blurted and pried her fingers from his grip. They had not mentioned the child, but if he was here, he had to know. "There isn't a baby anymore. I miscarried yesterday,” she went on.
"Oh," was all Miles said at first; he slumped and looked at the ground for a moment, clearly trying to control his emotions. Alicia’s fingers twitched to touch him, to soothe him, but she burrowed them in the thin fabric of her dress to prevent herself. She sat completely still as she waited for him to speak again. "I'm so sorry," he said after what felt like minutes, his voice was strained and when he looked at her, she could see the deep creases between his eyebrows that were not usually there. "I was looking forward to it," he then added in a small voice.
He visibly gathered himself, straightening his spine and turning more fully toward her. He reached for her hands again and she let him take them.
“I’m sorry. I should have inquired how you are feeling. Did it hurt a lot? Are you . . . how are you coping with it?” His hand came to rest on her shoulder and Alicia bit her lip as she looked at his pained expression. “We will have another child eventually. I’m sure we will,” he then said gently, which made Alicia’s heart feel heavy, even though it was beating rapidly in her chest.
"We can't marry, Miles" Alicia said softly and gingerly shrugged his arm off her shoulder, but kept her hand in his. She looked at their intertwined fingers as she went on. "You would be ostracized. Everyone you know would be forced to give you the cut, including your family."
"I . . ." Miles started, then stared straight ahead for a moment, as if thinking about it. "We would manage. I'm not saying that it would be easy, but we would manage. As long as we are together."
He turned and looked at her. There was a severity and a longing in his deep brown eyes that she had seldom seen before.
"I can't manage without you, Alicia. I can manage without everyone else if I have to, but I can't manage without you. I haven't felt like myself the last month," his voice became hoarser as he spoke, and Alicia felt herself tear up at his words.
Despite having envisioned them meeting again more than a hundred times since they parted, she had never expected him to be so honest. Never dared dream that he harbored such feelings for her. She threw her arms around his neck, embracing him tightly, feeling how her heart became lighter with each breath she took encapsuled in his arms.
"I've missed you so much," she whispered.
"Is that a yes?" Miles murmured against her neck, his breath hot on her skin. “Will you marry me?”
Alicia nodded and chuckled.
"Yes," she murmured.
She released her hold on him slightly to kiss him. Not with the intensity that normally led to them tumbling into bed, but with a quiet passion that said that they would be doing this for the rest of their lives and that they could allow themselves to take their time.
Alicia broke off the kiss.
"I’m still pregnant," she almost gasped. After his declaration, she had completely forgotten that she had lied to him.
"Really?" Miles said, a smile slowly spreading on his face from the corners of his mouth to a wide grin and a gleam in his eyes.
Alicia nodded, tearing up again. It had to be the pregnancy. She was not one to cry easily normally.
"I'm sorry I lied. I just didn't want you to feel obligated to marry me because of the baby."
"You're forgiven. And if you need to know, I'm not marrying you because of the child. I'm marrying you because I want to be with you. I need to be with you. The child is just a delightful bonus."
Their mouths found each other again, as if of their own accord, and the all thoughts of what lay ahead of them vanished from Alicia’s mind except the feeling that whatever lay ahead of them, she felt certain that they would be able to handle, because they were together.