Part 1B

Friday 4 January 2013

I DIDN’T GET OUT. I FEEL CRUSHED, COMPLETELY CRUSHED.

Saturday 5 January 2013

I didn’t get discharged and I didn’t write this stupid diary either. Not until now, anyway. I’ve calmed down. Just a little bit. I still feel stressed out.

The meeting did not go well. I cried at one point, which always makes me look mentally unstable. I then went on to lose my temper with various staff members, which made me seem angry and aggressive and that’s never much help either.

I cried and lost my temper because I’m fed up of this place, these people, my life. I can’t describe how frustrating it is being stuck here, how lonely it is. I’ve been lonely for too long.

* * *

I feel bad now for what I said, but I’m feeling incredibly frustrated and very angry with everyone. I’m extremely low and want to just give up on everything.

I got to go home for the weekend, but when I go back, I know I will be locked up for much longer than I expected. It’s starting to break me down being at the Priory and I really feel like I’m never going to get out permanently. The meeting kind of ruined the trip home as I know I’ll have to spend even longer wading through this endless crap.

This exercise – we’ve heard it called ‘throwing the switch’ by some – is a variation on the TV exercise we mentioned a page or two ago. It’s another visualisation exercise that’s easy to do. As with all these exercises, you have to ‘get into’ them – when you do, you’ll find they work much better.

Shut your eyes and imagine you are standing outside a house at night. It’s a nice house, one you like. You can design it yourself in your head. Maybe make it a standard, four-bed detached house or a sweet country cottage. Somewhere you’d like to live.

You are standing outside and it is dark – or at least dim – and you are looking up at the windows. It’s dark inside too. But it is a nice dark – a dim twilight rather than pitch black. You move to the front door and push it open and move inside.

You then move towards the top of the basement stairs. You look down and at the bottom of the stairs, across the basement floor, are all your problems and worries. You can stand there and see them in that dim twilight.

You now walk down the stairs and, as you get towards the bottom, you reach out and turn on the light switch. The basement, the stairs and everything above you are filled with a warm, golden light.

Look again at your problems and worries and see how small and insignificant they are. You could pretty much brush them away into the corners of that basement. You could do just that now with the broom that’s leaning against the wall.

You now walk back up the stairs and each room is bathed in this warm light. All is good. All is well. Those problems and worries are not troubling you any more; they are now swept away and forgotten about. When you are ready, open your eyes, feeling better about yourself.

Sunday 6 January 2013

Today started just as it always does. I woke up, had breakfast, washed in the shower, looked with self-hatred in the mirror, put on my clothes and popped into town.

I met up with my mum, dad and brother at the last minute for a drink in Costa. They got me a couple of things, a DVD and a book, which was really nice of them and I loved getting to see them – always a nice boost.

I’m now back at the Priory, alone in my room, back to this dreary reality. It’s getting harder coming back here each time. I hate it. I don’t think I’ll ever find doing this easy, no matter how long I’m here for. Ward round isn’t for a few days yet, so I need to somehow get myself back into the day-to-day routine of boredom.

If there is a particular problem that is stressing you, an exercise that can be effective is what we might call ‘a bird in flight.’ It has echoes of the last two exercises.

Sit somewhere comfortable where you can shut your eyes and breathe in slowly and regularly for a few minutes. Your problem, whatever it is, is in a little box by the side of the road outside your house. Now, in your mind’s eye, imagine you are a bird and you are taking off, swooping and soaring into the sky. Higher and higher you fly.

Look down at your house, your road and that now-tiny box below you. See how small everything appears as you fly up and up. The people, all stressed and hurrying about, are like ants, perhaps even smaller than that – dots.

Fly even higher. All you can now see below you is the warm blue sky and soft white clouds. You cannot see the world below or anything there that was troubling you.

Your problem, whatever it was, is the tiniest of specks and you can imagine, up here in the clouds, that it has been blown away on the wind, far, far away, and will never been seen again. It’s gone. You’re free. When you are ready, breathe out and open your eyes.

Monday 7 January 2013

Waking up here in the Priory is like waking up into a nightmare instead of waking from one. I dream about nice things before realising where I am. I’ve just been weighed: 50.3 kilos. It’s a good thing that it’s going up because it means I’m closer to getting out.

I have no idea what is happening for the rest of the day. I think I might be seeing the body coach woman. I’m feeling low again and really just trying to make it all the way through to bedtime so I can shut down again. I’m getting bad headaches because I have lots of normal coffee at home, but when I get back here I have to have decaf which gives me withdrawal symptoms.

I’m also starting to feel pretty heavy in myself. That, combined with feeling homesick, isn’t making me feel great overall. I’m finding it hard to motivate myself to do anything. I just want to sleep and not talk to anyone. When I get back from leave, I find it really hard to fit back in with the others, which means I feel even more alone.

I felt so down this afternoon so I just slept. I then went and had a bath and slept some more. I’m in my room now, waiting for Niamh to turn up. I want to find out when my next leave will be.

* * *

Niamh came for dinner. We both had brie and beetroot tart. We chilled out and watched Big Brother in my room. I talked to Niamh at dinner about stuff. We go through phases of feeling like we are stronger, but, at other times, I feel like this is breaking us. When she left, I did a few drawings of myself to sum up how I feel.

I’VE ALWAYS DRAWN MYSELF A LOT AS A WAY OF EXPRESSING FEELINGS DEEP DOWN INSIDE.

Tuesday 8 January 2013

This morning I woke up feeling very sad. It’s just knowing I’m still doing all of this for a lot longer. I still cry a lot but I now try to do it when no one is about. It’s very much a game here and any signs of weakness are recorded and held against you, however much the staff try to say they won’t. I know that now and I know how to play the game. I try to act ‘normal’ – i.e. ‘happy’ or at least ‘happy-ish’ – in front of them and keep my crying and stuff out of sight.

* * *

I think I have CBT this morning and yoga this afternoon. I know it’s better for me to stay busy, but some days can be a real struggle to get motivated to do anything.

* * *

I decided not go to yoga. I just rested in my room. I’m anxious. I need something positive to happen because it’s all getting a bit much at the moment.

There is an exercise – we’ve heard it called ‘the light at the end of the tunnel’ – that can be beneficial for many people.

Close your eyes and imagine you are in total darkness. You cannot see anything – ahead, behind, above, below – although you can feel yourself standing on hard, gravelly ground.

Look ahead and, after a minute or two of regular, steady breathing, imagine you can see a pinprick of light a little way away in the distance.

You decide to walk slowly towards it. As you do, you see that pinprick get ever so slightly larger. And larger again as you get closer. And larger still.

You can then, ever so slowly, start to make out that you are in a tunnel. That light is bright enough to reveal the ceiling and the walls and the floor of the tunnel.

Eventually, as you continue walking steadily towards it, sunlight starts to flood in, until you can even see the brickwork and moss of the tunnel ceiling and walls, and the stones beneath your feet.

You can see beyond the end of the tunnel, towards the warmth and the sunlight and a field of gently moving wheat. You move out into it. You can feel the sunlight on your eyelids, the sun on your arms, the breeze on your face. As you come back into the real world, as and when you are ready, bring this sense of peace with you.

Wednesday 9 January 2013

I saw the doctor yesterday, which went okay. He said that my next leave will probably be Thursday to Sunday of this week. I wanted to ask him if I could have Sunday night at home as well. I didn’t get a chance to ask because I forgot in the last meeting and we rarely get to see him. Even if he does pop by, he likes to avoid talking to us.

* * *

I’m now allowed ‘free fluids’. Writing that down seems so weird, but it means that I can get drinks any time I like. It doesn’t sound like much, but when you have been so limited for so long it’s a nice treat.

I’m also allowed to have snacks in my room. When I say we are limited, I mean we are allowed one hot drink with a meal, one cold drink with each meal or snack and that’s pretty much it. For snacks, I can now choose what I like, but they have to be okayed. I had a packet of crisps and sat and watched Peep Show.

* * *

I think we have a trip out today (rehab). I think that we will be having lunch in the lodge. Niamh is also allowed to come for dinner tonight.

This exercise is effective for some, Michael included. Once he left the Priory, he told me he kept a little red food token from there in his pocket at all times. I wondered why and asked him. It was his ‘worry stone’; that is the word used to describe it by many mental health experts. Here’s how it works.

Close your eyes, breathe deeply and try to create a sense of calm in and around you. Imagine you have a stone, a pebble or maybe a crystal in the palm of your hand. This can be a real one or you can imagine one in your favourite colour and texture – warm, blue, shiny, perhaps. It’s up to you.

Now focus on what is troubling you and have that thought held in the middle of your forehead. Now, when you are ready and feel able to do it, you have to mentally push that worry down and along your arm, through into your hand and fingers until it is pushed into the stone, until it is all soaked up.

You could even imagine washing the stone – it works for some and maybe for you. You literally rub at whatever it is – a stone, a little red food token – with your thumb over and over again, washing that worry away. Try it – this is something that many people do and it works well for them.

Thursday 10 January 2013

Not a good day. My weight had dropped. This means I might not be able to go home on leave. I now have to wait to meet Dr Webster at ward round later; not looking forward to that.

* * *

I went to a different group for depression today which was outside of my unit. It mainly involved talking to others and getting an insight into their issues. The staff here encourage talking about stuff as much as possible. I hate it, though. I don’t like people. I don’t like talking. It took place in another building and had a mix of all different types of inpatients based here.

It was pretty unsettling – there were some very different types of people, from drug users to sex addicts. Even with all that going on, my mind was elsewhere. There was one guy that came in who’s in the City and only comes in on this day. He’s a drug addict and looked totally out of it to me. He talked about some pretty horrific stuff he’s done and made me realise some people live such different lives to me.

* * *

I have just seen the doctor. I still get to go home but I get two nights instead of three. It’s a blow but at least I still get out for a bit. It seems unfair because I haven’t done anything wrong; it’s just that my weight hasn’t gone up the way it should have done. Again, this is where it all feels like a game. It’s all numbers. Up and I get longer out. Down and I get less time out. No matter what’s going on in my head.

Some experts suggest a way to handle general stress and ill-at-ease-ness (if there is such a word) is to set aside ten minutes, whenever you feel down, to sit or lie somewhere quiet, shut your eyes and just daydream about whatever makes you feel calm and relaxed.

Sunday 13 January 2013

I sometimes ‘forget’ to write in my diary when I’m at home because I’m trying to make the most of the time I have, whereas when I am back here (in the Priory) I have so much time sitting alone in my room that I might as well keep writing.

Yesterday, Niamh and I went into town and had to do a few shopping bits. It’s nice to do normal things again, even if it feels like make-believe. We then went home and watched TV and had a veggie pasta bake.

I always hate having to come back to the Priory after being allowed out. I hope that this next week doesn’t feel as slow as last week and my weigh-ins go okay.

Monday 14 January 2013

I was weighed this morning – 50.6 kilos. I have gone up, which is good and at least it will please Dr Webster.

It gets me so down waking up here. The feeling is so horrible. I don’t like the atmosphere and it’s hard to not let it get to you. There’s a new girl here called Susi. I haven’t had a chance to really talk to her yet, but she seems nice.

* * *

I think Niamh might be coming for dinner today.

* * *

I have been sitting in my room watching YouTube videos over and over again. It’s a complete waste of time but it makes me laugh, so I don’t care.

I had better go and join the queue with the other lunatics for meds. I’m hoping the day passes quickly today – I could ask them to double my dosage and just feel dazed for the rest of the day.

The self-help exercises we’ve been suggesting for anger, anxiety and worry and stress and, in a moment, relaxation are all easy to do. Clearly, though, they are low-level and you are not going to turn around clinical depression – as Michael had when he was in the Priory – by shouting ‘Stop!’ at the top of your voice or by rubbing a stone. Even so, they work for some. Let’s look, over the next few pages, at some low-level relaxation ideas that work for many people. We have tried the ones we mention and they are effective for us.

One that works for many involves sitting somewhere quiet and peaceful, with a lighted candle in front of you. You need to focus on the candle and try to breathe slowly and regularly, shutting out as many of your thoughts as you can. Try to breathe as deeply as you can. Work yourself into a relaxing rhythm of breathing.

Close your eyes but hold the image of that gentle and peaceful flame in the front of your mind. Keep breathing deeply and steadily. When you are ready, imagine the flame entering your mind and, as you breathe slowly in and out, moving into your body. It feels warm and relaxing. You might, with practice, begin to feel that you and the flame are one and the same. You are absorbed into the flame. The flame is absorbed into you.

You should feel that the flame is part of you, and that, as you breathe in and out, it warms and relaxes different parts of your body in turn. Keep doing this for as long as you can, until your mind is empty and focused wholly on the flame.

When you feel ready, move your focus away from the flame and back on to your breathing, as if you are slowly withdrawing from the flame and separating from it. Once you have focused on your breathing, continue to breathe deeply for two or three minutes and then open your eyes.

Wednesday 16 January 2013

Yesterday was another hard day and I did not feel like writing my diary. I have been feeling pretty ill and I am not sure why. I have a bad toothache and it’s making me feel run down. I just ate beans on toast.

I feel sad today. Again, I don’t really know why. I think it’s just realising how long I’ve been here and the frustration I feel being locked away. The weeks feel so long.

I’m nervous about the weigh-in tomorrow. It’s not just me, though. Everyone is on edge when weigh-in is coming up because it’s probably the most crucial thing that the doctors and staff look at when they are assessing how well you are doing.

* * *

We went out for rehab to Starbucks and pretended to fit in with the normal folk. We then picked up bits for lunch to have at the lodge when we got back. I quite like walking into town now. I guess it is different and breaks the usual monotony. I have body image class this afternoon but I’m feeling really tired. Niamh can’t make it in time for dinner tonight as she has to work late, but she will be here after.

We’ve not really talked about the benefits of exercise in relation to such issues as anger, stress, anxiety and relaxation. But Michael mentions in his last entry, and he has alluded to it elsewhere, that he enjoyed walking. But not so much yoga, perhaps, although that may have had more to do with a sense of embarrassment. No matter; the key point here is that, for some people, mental health issues can be eased to some degree by physical activity, from Pilates or yoga through to long walks, running or swimming – whatever suits you.

Monday 21 January 2013

I haven’t written for a few days because I have been away on leave and ‘accidentally’ left my diary behind. I got to go home on Friday. On the Sunday, I got to see my family and we went for a drink.

I had to come back to the Priory this morning instead of last night because there was heavy snow and we couldn’t drive. We tried, but the roads were iced over and the car was slipping all over the place. We had to call the Priory and explain why I wasn’t coming back. Hopefully, next time I’m out, it will snow as if it’s Narnia and I’ll never have to go back.

Tuesday 22 January 2013

The weigh-in this morning went well. I’ve gone from 49.8 to 50.5 kilos.

My meal plan has also increased. It basically just means more food is added to each meal and snack time. I’m on meal plan three.

With the meal plans, there is obviously breakfast, lunch and dinner with snacks in between. Meal plan increase involves adding a dessert to lunch at first and then one after dinner.

Then, as things increase, a snack is added after dinner as well. This also means that I can bring in my own snacks and stuff that I like to have. I can bring things from when I go out on leave, so I bring back crisps and cereal bars and stuff like that. You slowly get given more freedom – but not much.

Niamh is coming for dinner tonight, so I’m looking forward to that. It’s weird; it feels as if, when she’s coming for dinner, it’s like a date, just in a mental institution, surrounded by lunatics.

I have my next CPA meeting booked for 7 February at 2.30pm. This will be where I sit down with Dr Webster and three nurses. They then look through my records and assess how mental I am and if I’m sane enough to be let loose. I hope to get out obviously, but I feel like I’m never leaving here now. I think if I were told I had to stay longer again, it might break me. I need to try to chill out.

Meditating on a sound or a word or a statement can be a good way to help you to relax. The sound or the word or the statement is your mantra, and repeating it again and again whilst you are in a relaxing state can be very beneficial.

Sit or lie, as you prefer, in a comfortable position somewhere quiet and peaceful. Close your eyes and focus your mind on your mantra. You choose this. It may be a word based on your personal beliefs such as ‘Om’. Or you can choose a positive word such as ‘love’. You may prefer to go with a two-syllable word or a phrase that allows you to get into a rhythm as you repeat it. It’s your choice.

The mantra itself is not the key to this exercise but it is something that you can repeat over and again in time with your breathing. It is the mantra, repeated slowly again and again, that should still your mind from its endless thoughts. In many ways, the mantra becomes a droning noise that quietens your mind and tensions.

Wednesday 23 January 2013

Last night Niamh came for dinner, which was nice.

We are meant to have our trip out today, but the snow is pretty bad and I don’t think they will let us loose.

I have been here for a long time now.

* * *

We did get to go out! That was nice. We went to Costa for a drink and, as usual, the staff watched us closely. It’s weird as new patients join the Priory and come out. It makes me realise how much I’ve changed since I first got here. Also, I can see how the staff have to keep such a close eye on them. I can see how much I’ve changed by looking at the new patients who come in. They are really bad and I know I must have been like that, if not worse.

Maybe I’m getting better.

The new guys looked scared and they probably should be because what they are about to experience is horrible and will make them feel worse in some ways. If they hate their looks/bodies now, then there’s a lot more to come. I have gained some confidence since I’ve been here and I will actually talk to people now. At first I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I would just hide away in my room and cry, to be honest. I do actually talk to staff now.

* * *

For the rest of the day I’m going to try to relax a bit. I have been feeling edgy, so I want to just sit in my room and put on a film. I love watching films and always have. I like watching films like Alice in Wonderland, Star Wars and comedies to take my mind off the fact I want to kill myself (only joking).

I’m trying to practise doing a bit of meditation to help clear my mind. I think meditation is a good way to relax in general but especially for people who have busy minds. It certainly helps. It’s a simple way of calming the mind and body.

Michael used a breathing technique known as 7/11. The 7/11 technique is a breathing exercise where you breathe in for a count of 7 and out for a count of 11.

Michael used it help him relax and gain or regain his composure in a variety of situations. It helped him to calm down and relax if he was feeling stressed or even when he was lonely. It’s just about getting into a peaceful state of mind. Even the simplest of exercises can work – even with someone as troubled as Michael.

Thursday 24 January 2013

I was weighed this morning and that went well. I’m now at 50.7 kilos. I think I will be getting my leave tomorrow morning until Monday evening, which will be nice. I have also seen how other patients get unsupervised meals, so I hope I get those soon. That’s basically where you get to sit and eat alone or with the other patients with the same privileges.

* * *

Today, I have the depression group again. This is where a real mix of people meet up from different units and even some outpatients. These can be addicts, whether it’s sex, alcohol or drugs.

There was an outpatient that came in who to me looked like he was off his face. He was raging about his ex and saying he’s got millions and could easily fly away and leave this place. He works in the City and is addicted to cocaine. He also clearly has some severe anger issues. It is always a bit scary being near him. I sat as far away from him as possible. I’m feeling okay at the moment for a change.

If you can relax, with whatever works for you, it will go some way to handling all sorts of related mental health issues – stress and anger, for example. When Michael did yoga, he did an exercise like this.

Sit down or lie – whatever suits you – on the ground. You should have your legs stretched out in front of you. Breathe slowly in and out, and focus on this breathing for two minutes. Breathing well is a key part of relaxing and eliminating many negative thoughts.

You then need to focus on relaxing each part of your body in turn. You can start with your feet. Then imagine your legs relaxing, and your lower body. Work your way steadily up through to your chest and arms, shoulders and neck, and eventually your head and face.

Some people find it helps to chant or just gently repeat to themselves a phrase such as ‘I am relaxing’. Others prefer to imagine their body feeling light and airy, as if all their troubles are lifting up and floating away.

You can end this exercise by returning your focus to your breathing. Breathe slowly in and out again and concentrate on this for two minutes.

As you will see as we progress through the book, we are great believers in people finding their own solutions rather than following a one-size-fits-all remedy. That’s not to say that your own solution should be at the cost of proper medical and professional advice, just that you can vary these self-help exercises to suit yourself. Some may feel right for you, others not. And you may want to jig them so they feel a better fit for you. With this one, for example, you don’t have to breathe for exactly two minutes – do what feels right for you.

Friday 25 January 2013

This morning my dad is picking me up. Before that, I have unsupervised breakfast, which will be weird, but nice to chill out. I’m also excited to go home on leave.

I also have to get my meds and run through the risk assessment before I can go today.

I’m excited to get home and chill out. I think I will ask my dad to stop at Tesco on the way back so I can pick up a few bits and pieces.

Tuesday 29 January 2013

I went home on Friday and walked into town to get some bits and pieces. In the evening, I had a veggie lasagne with Niamh. On Saturday, I went and saw my parents in town. Me, Adam and Niamh went round the shops and Adam got a Wii U. In the evening, we went home and had a veggie quiche, which was nice, and we chilled out and watched some TV. I’m really into Dexter. I think I like watching it because the main character is weird and different from other people. I like watching things where there are people who differ from the norm.

Monday, I was on my own because Niamh had work. I just chilled out at home and made sure I relaxed before knowing I had to get ready to come back. Being at home is nice, but it also makes me miss it so much more when I have to come back here. I think them sending me home is not only testing me to see how I do but also to make me realise what I’m missing.

I was weighed this morning and I came in at 53.4 kilos. I’m really feeling uncomfortable in my skin at the moment and the fact our weight is drilled into our heads the whole time doesn’t help.

I have CBT and a one-to-one with Richard later. I had breakfast on my own, which is good but also a bit lonely sitting alone whilst the others are together. Having breakfast on my own does show that I’m making progress at least.

There are a couple of new people here now. There’s a lady called Jenna who looks really ill. She’s one of the thinnest people I’ve ever seen and, because of that, she struggles to walk. I think this is the fourth time she’s been here now – I’m never coming back here, I’ll make sure of that.

There’s also a younger girl called Terri. I think she’s also been here before. I can’t imagine getting out and then having to come back one day. I don’t think I could take that.

For a long time now, I had felt as though I – the whole family really – was not part of Michael’s life any more. There was contact – letters and parcels, emails and stuff – but we did not see him that much. Tracey and I had visited him in the Priory in mid-December, but we had not seen him at all over Christmas and had only really met him once or twice since then to have coffee in Ipswich with Niamh.

It all felt rather distant, especially never getting to see Michael on his own. I am sure many parents will feel that, however well you get on with your children’s partners (and we have a mixed track record, to be honest), it is nice now and then to have them to yourselves – just the original family members. (That’s probably best kept as a thought rather than saying it out loud, though.)

So, when I knew Michael was coming out regularly, and that Niamh and her mother were both at work on Friday morning, and I was only sitting at home staring out to sea thinking of something or other to write, I offered to run down and pick him up and take him home to Ipswich. I thought it would give us a chance to talk (and I could also stop off and have a Big Breakfast at the McDonalds down the road from the Priory before I arrived there at 10am).

I’m not one for offering advice as such – if you’ve read this far, you’ll know I’d not win ‘Dad of the Year’. But if I did offer advice to anyone with a loved one who has mental health issues, it’s this: talking and listening (with the emphasis on you listening and them talking) is so important and plays a key role in that person getting better, relationships being rebuilt and things just working out as you’d want them to do.

And so, rather nicely, it proved for us. I picked Michael up, without giving too much of the story away in advance, for one or two Friday mornings. All I ever did was to run him home, via a supermarket so he could get a bit of shopping (like royalty, Michael never carries cash) or via another route (when the A12 was blocked). We only spent 30 or 40 minutes together each time, but we did talk things through. It was a bit awkward at first. I remember saying, ‘I always thought it was Niamh,’ whilst looking away from him, and Michael replying, ‘No, she always wanted to be friends with everyone.’

The great advantage of talking in a car is that you sit side by side, so you don’t need to make eye contact but can still have a conversation. From there, our conversation ranged over various subjects – in essence, why, when and how it all happened – and I felt that I had a better understanding of Michael and him of me. If there is such a thing as a ‘balloon of anger’ – filled with mutual misunderstanding, confusion, disappointment and frustration – the air was slowly let out of it over these weeks. I felt that things were much better between us over that time and that was a big plus moving forward.

Wednesday 30 January 2013

Last night, Niamh came for dinner. We had stuffed peppers and chips. Dr Webster has decided to change my leave from now on. He wants to give me two nights at the weekend and one during the week. I’m not really sure what to think about that and whether it’s good or bad. I think it’s meant to be good. At least it will break the week up a bit. I can also now have unsupervised lunches, which is good. My CPA meeting is next week.

* * *

I just had breakfast. I’m now back in my room. I’m feeling lonely at the moment, to be honest. I’m thinking about my weigh-in tomorrow and really hope it goes okay because I want to go on leave at the weekend. I will just try to stay busy today as much as I can. That can be difficult in here, though.

* * *

I keep myself busy by drawing lots, watching films and having chats with the other patients. I was talking to Petra who has been here for years. God’s sake, I’d better not be here that bloody long. I reckon she must be pretty brain-dead from being here so long. I know I’d go even more insane.

We have spoken already about the role of a candle exercise in terms of relaxation and we have talked about breathing exercises as well. The eternal flame exercise is one we have come across over the years that combines the two and can be effective. You may find it a good way to start and end the day, and possibly at points in between when you want to relax.

Again, sit or lie down in a comfortable position. Sitting seems more sensible for this exercise as a candle is involved, but many people do it lying on their back, using their imagination more. It is a pretend candle, after all. Imagine there is a candle flame about six inches (15 centimetres) from your lips. What you are going to do is to breathe out and in without blowing the candle out.

Breathe out slowly and gently as if you are emptying your lungs of all of your air, but so carefully that you do not blow out the flame. Count to see how many seconds it takes you to expel your breath.

You now need to breathe back in – again, slowly and steadily, so that you do not suck out that flame, and keep going until your lungs are full. Count to yourself as you are doing this to see how long this lasts.

Keep doing this, for something like 30 times each. As you increase the number – and you may want to start slowly and build up – you should start to feel yourself relaxing. As always, do what feels best for you. There is no ‘right’ and ‘wrong’; play around with the exercise to suit you.

Friday 1 February 2013

Today is the first of February and I can’t really believe how long I’ve been here: one way or the other since November.

Yesterday wasn’t a good day as my head wasn’t in the right place, so I did not write anything.

My weight had dropped to 52.9 kilos.

I’ve felt very anxious and upset all day. The doctor took away all unsupervised privileges apart from my evening snack. I’m feeling pretty low at the moment.

Monday 4 February 2013

I went home for the weekend. My dad came and got me on Friday morning and took me back to my house in Ipswich. I relaxed at home and waited for Niamh to get in from work. For dinner, Niamh made a pasta bake. It’s so nice to be able to sleep in my own bed.

On Saturday morning, we went to the cinema to see Flight, which I really enjoyed. Then we went into town as usual and got a coffee. I like just doing simple things when I’m back at home; it makes me more relaxed.

On Sunday, we went and got a new TV! That was cool and I don’t normally go and buy things like that; even small things for myself is a challenge. We needed it, though, as our other TV was broken. I love Niamh and I feel so bad for putting us through all this endless crap.

I’m back at the Priory (obviously, I don’t write my diary at home now). I’m nervous about seeing Dr Webster again. I’m hoping that, after losing weight last time round, I get my unsupervised privileges back.

There’s a new staff member – God, she’s so annoying. I also think she doesn’t have a clue how to treat anorexics. We were at dinner and sometimes the staff eat with us. One staff member turned to her and said, ‘Do you want a dessert?’ and she said, ‘No, I’d better not because I don’t want to get fat.’ I burst out laughing.

Some staff are better than others. There is one member of staff called Sam who is always very kind to me. Being shut away in your room for hours on end is horrible. Sam always pops in my room and takes the time to talk to me. Nothing in particular, but she just makes an effort to make sure I am≈okay.

There was a guy called David who left halfway through my time here. I had a lot of chats with him. I think he liked having a guy to chat to who probably wasn’t too far off his age. He said he had been working there a while and it’s uncommon to have two male inpatients at the same time.

The staff in general are fairly good and know what they are doing. The night staff, on the other hand, are terrible. They sit about during the night, playing music, smoking and chatting loudly. Some of them don’t speak English. I remember Liv having a full-blown argument with one of them in the middle of the night, so I came out of my room, sat on the sofa and watched it unfold. Neither of them were happy. I quite enjoyed it, though.

As Michael comes towards the end of his stay in the Priory, we can see – for most of the time, anyway – a marked improvement in what he writes and how he phrases it. Much of the anger and anxiety and stress of the early days is, if not gone, at least not as overwhelming for him, and there are signs that he could relax a little and maybe even make a joke or two.

We have suggested a number of relaxation exercises. Let’s end what we have to say about relaxation with some general suggestions.

Try to have times and places when and where you can relax at different points of the day; if you monitor your moods over a while, you may find that you’ll get to know when you are most likely to need to take time out. Plan ahead if you can.

Ideally, you may want to take out ten minutes at a time to relax: before work, at lunchtime, after a commute home, perhaps. At home, you may find it easy to create a place to relax – a bedroom, quiet and peaceful and free from distractions. At work, you may have to find a quiet corner or a park bench.

Try an exercise that suits you. Shutting your eyes often helps if you can find something to focus on in your mind’s eye, such as a flame.

As the day comes to an end, it can be a good idea to try to wind down slowly. Avoiding food and drink, especially coffee and alcohol, and any brain-stimulating activities such as gaming, using your mobile or even the television can be helpful.

Find ways that help you relax. We can suggest a short list. No doubt you can too. A bath, meditation, candles, soft music, reading a book, some gentle exercises – all can be effective and help you to unwind. The secret is to discover what works for you.

Tuesday 5 February 2013

Yesterday I found out that I get leave tonight and come back tomorrow after dinner. I also get another snack and meal unsupervised again.

* * *

I had breakfast this morning with Lesley, which was nice. She’s short and looks scary, but once you talk to her you realise she’s very caring. Lesley is the nicest person I’ve met here. She has had such a difficult life going in and out of rehab. She told me about being in rehab when she was very young and being force-fed.

I didn’t want to ask her too much about her past because I know she’s been through a lot as it is. She still has issues leaving her home and in some ways I think she finds comfort in being here.

Thursday 7 February 2013

I went home on Tuesday evening, which was nice. I got to spend Wednesday at home and I really enjoyed being able to relax. Niamh came home from work and we had some dinner.

It was then time to go back to the Priory and that was as awful a moment as ever.

I was weighed this morning and I’m now at 54.2 kilos. I have my CPA meeting today which I’m nervous about. I’m hoping to get an idea of a discharge date. I have unsupervised breakfast this morning before heading over to my depression group. I think it’s my fifth week of doing it regularly.

Friday 8 February 2013

I had my CPA meeting yesterday. They have decided to change my leave again. I’m now going to go home on Fridays after tea and come back after tea on Sunday. I will also go home on Monday after tea until Wednesday after tea. So I’m getting a lot of time at home now. Niamh is coming for dinner tonight and then I get to go home. I’m about to go and have breakfast with Lesley, which I enjoy.

Monday 11 February 2013

I went home on Friday after dinner.

On Saturday, we went to the cinema to see I Give It a Year, which was really funny. We didn’t do much else apart from chill out. On Sunday I saw my mum and dad for a bit, which was nice.

I got back to the Priory and have been weighed. I’m now at 55.3 kilos. Hopefully, my next ward round will go okay.

Thursday 14 February 2013

Weigh-in. From 55.3 to 55.9 kilos!

I went home for two nights and came back last night. I’m really back and forth at the moment, so writing my diary is all over the place. It was really nice to be home again.

I have another ward round today and as usual I want to find out about my next leave.

Today is Valentine’s Day. At least I got to spend some time with Niamh. I hid chocolates all around the house for her, got her flowers and made her a card.

As we come towards the end of Part One of the book, I want to introduce one or two ‘coming soon’ themes – just to give you a heads-up on the sort of issues that Michael would face as he, at some stage soon, would leave the Priory and go back out into the world to do his master’s, maybe get a part-time job and then a full-time job, and, eventually, to live a full and happy life.

One theme will be self-confidence – it is one thing to conquer your mental health demons to the point of what we might call equilibrium, but to then keep going and suddenly become self-confident is not easy. One exercise to do with confidence works on the basis that even if you don’t feel very confident, you should try to act confident and, maybe one day, you will then feel confident. My advice to Michael has always been, in my own heavy-handed way, along the same lines: ‘Imagine what a normal person would do – and do that; that’ll fool them.’ Funnily enough, and more by luck than judgement, it’s not too far from being good advice.

So here’s the exercise. You can start by listing the things that worry you; in this context, we are talking about getting back out into the real world, mixing with people, working, socialising, etc. All the ‘normal’ things in life that are anything but normal for those with mental health issues. Once you have your list, you can work through each point in turn.

There are many things that make people anxious and worried – and we could probably list pages and pages of our own here (as could you) – but we will suggest these general ones as examples: ordering a bottle of wine in a restaurant, meeting a partner’s parents (or a child’s partner) for the first time, going for an interview for that job you really want and giving a speech. Your own list may be endless.

Experts say much the same, although they dress it up in fancier terms. The how-to advice is that before you do whatever it is, you imagine yourself doing it step by step and that it all goes really well. This gives you a framework to work to and may boost your confidence. So, you’ve been asked to say a few words about something you’re working on; an essay, a report, maybe.

You prepare by looking over what you’ve been doing and pick out what you want to say and think through what you might be asked about. Before you speak, you work through the basic steps and what you are going to do, imagining it all in your head: what you might say and do at each moment. You then introduce yourself, and make eye contact and smile at whoever you’re talking to. You are acting confident! You go over the main points, short and sweet, and sum it up. You ask if there are any questions, which you’re prepared for, and answer them.

Friday 15 February 2013

I saw Dr Webster yesterday. I’m getting my normal weekend leave, and he said if that goes well, I will get an extended leave next week, which would be awesome. He also mentioned discharge which he has never done before!

I’m trying not to get my hopes up, though. I think it will feel so weird if and when I’m discharged.

I had breakfast with Lesley this morning. I like Lesley a lot and hope we manage to stay in contact. She lives with her dad who’s very old and not very well.

Tuesday 19 February 2013

I had my usual leave at the weekend which went okay. Adam stayed over on Saturday, which was nice. We just hung out, played games and watched films.

I’m not feeling that good today. My weight is now 57.2. I’m starting to feel very ugly.

I saw Dr Webster yesterday which went okay, but I found out my next CPA isn’t going to be until 7 March. I’m finding it quite difficult at the moment, but I just need to hold on and keep going. I get leave tomorrow until Sunday, so I get a bit longer which is good. I just can’t believe how long I’ve been here.

Wednesday 20 February 2013

I’m going home today. My dad will be picking me up soon so I’m just waiting in my room.

I have been pretty down the last couple of days and I think it’s making Niamh sad. I’m a bit worried to go home because I don’t know if Niamh will even want me there.

Yesterday we had couples therapy. It was all pretty upsetting and I didn’t like it. It just made me feel guilty. I feel like I’ve let her down. Sometimes I feel like she could do a lot better than me.

My dad will be here soon so I need to get my stuff ready. I need to try to relax.

It’s not simple for anyone, let alone someone with mental health problems, to stay positive all the time, and this – positivity – linked in with confidence, is another theme that we will cover in more detail in Part Two. One exercise that can help is called ‘see the silver lining’, or similar. It’s a long-established, CBT-ish exercise that has a number of names and minor variations. In essence, it’s a matter of looking at something that’s worrying you in a structured and supportive way so that you can see the positives.

Take a sheet of paper and a pen or pencil and divide the sheet of paper into three equal columns. In the first column, write down whatever the matter is. For example, you might write ‘Starting a job’. In the middle column, you list your concerns about this. Your list might include comments such as ‘I feel anxious’, ‘Everyone will be looking at me’, ‘I don’t know what to do’, ‘No one knows me.’ It might be a long list, and that’s fine.

In the third column – and this will take time to do if you have had or are suffering from mental ill-health – you list all the ways to rework the comments in the second column into more positive ones. You may want to do this reworking with a friend or family member who is cheerful and upbeat.

For example, ‘No one knows me’ sounds negative, but that can be reworked in several ways. Brainstorming lots of ideas, you might write ‘I’m going to meet lots of new people who might become friends’, ‘Lots of people can help and support me and show me what to do’ and so on. These are the positives you need to keep in mind. Positivity is so important – a key state of mind for getting better.

Monday 25 February 2013

I got to go home on Wednesday after rehab group and met Niamh at home. On Friday, I had to see Colm, who will work with me once I get out. He is a kind of mentor. Niamh came with me to see him and we had a chat about how I think I will do when I’m out. Niamh thinks I will probably get discharged soon, but I don’t want to get my hopes up.

Me and my brother went to see Wreck-It Ralph at the cinema, which was actually really good. In the afternoon, Niamh and I went to see her dad, who I haven’t seen in ages. We then came home and had dinner.

I was weighed this morning and I’m now 57.7 kilos. I hope I get to see Dr Webster early today. I really want to find out what’s happening next. I’ve been here so long now.

I WANT MY LIFE BACK.

Tuesday 26 February 2013

I saw Dr Webster yesterday and I have had to step up my meal plan again. I have to stay here until Thursday. If this week goes okay, then I get to go home for a week and then come back for the CPA meeting. I’m feeling very anxious, and when I go away on leave, it’s very important that my weight goes up.

Wednesday 27 February 2013

Last night, Niamh came for dinner and we had vegetable kebabs and chips. Today is rehab day so we will be heading out into town. I’m being weighed tomorrow.

* * *

Rehab went well and I got to spend some time with Tippi. I’ve cracked my tooth and I’m in absolute agony, but there’s nothing I can do. I have to just lie here in pain.

A third theme that we’ll look at in Part Two of the book is that of ‘being happy’. Michael, writing his dairy in the Priory, regularly lists things that make him happy, things that he misses very much such as sleeping in his own bed, chilling out, going for a walk. Hopefully, as and when he leaves the Priory, regaining these lost moments will bring him the happiness he craves.

Happiness, often, is not an easy thing to achieve. Many people think that they will become happy soon if they can just get that new job, move to a bigger place, earn some more money… It is always next month, next year and so on. It is always dependent on something happening that will improve their current lot, bring them more money or prestige. Michael, for all his woes in the Priory, did at least recognise that happiness often comes from the simplest of things.

It is only when something bad happens in their present situation – they lose their job, their partner leaves them, they have to move to a smaller place – that people suddenly realise they were happy all the time. The trick seems to be both to be happy and to know it.

Another CBT-ish exercise that is a good place to start is ‘the list of truths’. Variations of this have been around for some time. This is simply a list of good things you have in your life which is written when you are feeling in an upbeat mood, perhaps alongside a family member or friend, and will help to balance out all the bad things that are probably in your mind when you need to read it.

It’s up to you what’s in the list but it might include the names of the people who love you, things that make you laugh, what you’ve done for other people lately, what other people have done for you, things that make you happy, something you are looking forward to. More to come in Part Two of the book. Happiness – it’s what it’s all about, when all’s said and done.

Thursday 28 February 2013

My tooth is still killing me. I really need to see a dentist.

* * *

The weigh-in went well – I’m now 58.4 kilos.

I’m waiting to see Dr Webster. I’m not sure what time I will see him today. I hope I see him soon.

* * *

I’M GOING HOME!

Behind the scenes, I did exchange a few emails with Dr Webster through early 2013 just to check Michael was progressing well. We ended our exchange like this…

I am extremely pleased with Michael’s progress and as I’m sure you have noticed his true personality is returning and his dependence on Niamh is abating.

We are doing a lot of work around this and him eating alone and he has been very humble and brave regarding dealing with it.

Thus, all in all, I feel he is doing very well; I am aiming to discharge him and what’s left of the disorder can be dealt with in the community.

Thank you for everything you have done for Michael – although a simple thank you really doesn’t do justice to how grateful we are.

It’s been a real pleasure, particularly to see how his personality has grown and return to an adult. I am very pleased for you all and hope it all works out okay. If there’s a slip-up we are always here. It must be lovely to have your son back!

So, there we were: Michael – a physically fit and mentally healthy Michael – was back after all these years.

Michael left the Priory fit and well, and moved back to his home in Ipswich with his girlfriend, Niamh. He could look forward to resuming his master’s degree in Moving Image and Sound at Norwich in the autumn. Work as an illustrator, marriage to Niamh, possibly children, and a long and happy life all stretched out ahead of him.

Back at the Maitland family home, life carried on much as normal. Iain was still a writer, but was moving away from stuff-and-nonsense articles – 1000 words on putting horse manure on a roof to age tiles was something of a final straw – and was now writing more and more about property matters. Forward contracts, exchange rates – stuff like that. Tracey still worked with small children at the local primary school. By now, Iain and Tracey had been together for close to 35 years.

Sophie was working and playing hard at Durham University on her way to getting a degree in Psychology. She was due to complete her degree the following year but was not sure what to do after that. Adam was coming up to starting his GCSEs. If he did well enough, he would go on to do A Levels. Bernard the dog loved and was loved by everyone – a happy little dog. Indeed, a happy little family.