2

Lil

RAWSTON, YORKSHIRE, JULY 1940

DISILLUSIONED

Lil Moisley stood by the window and watched as her husband turned into the street. Her heart leapt. He was safe. The note saying he was on his way had arrived five days ago, and every day she had looked out for him.

In the distance behind him stood Croughton Mill, grey and bleak against the blue sky. Its chimney belched smoke that soared high today, but often choked the atmosphere as it travelled on the wind towards them. Not that folk ever complained. If it stopped, it would mean the livelihood of the town would be at an end.

The imposing building had misery etched into its walls by its history of child-labour and below-the-bread-line wages for the folk who had peopled the workhouses and were used as forced labour. Lil had been born in one of the workhouses nearby and had come to learn the wrongdoings of the mill’s previous owners. She had seen how the mill had flourished and then almost closed as demand had wavered, but the war had once more breathed new life into it and work was plentiful again.

The need for all things military – uniforms, parachutes, tents, everything and anything that required the basic cloths they spun there – meant the mill’s looms never stopped working. But although the townsfolk all depended on the work the mill gave, its legacy held many a heartbreak, and part of it lay at the root of her husband’s discontent and, she knew, was the source of his surliness.

She looked behind her at Mildred, her ma-in-law, sitting proudly in an armchair next to the fire, and went to tell her that her son was on his way, but stopped herself. For a moment she watched this woman, the bearer of the sin from which Alfie was born. For the umpteenth time she wondered how Mildred had stood resolute that Philippe D’Olivier, the owner of the mill at the time, had raped her and that Alfie had been the product of that rape, when all the gossip maintained that she went willingly with him.

Alfie had allowed bitterness to possess him when, as a child, he’d seen the riches the D’Olivier family had as they’d driven past him in the first cars ever invented, whilst he and his ma hadn’t two pennies to rub together. He’d suffered the indignity of having a lackey shove him into the ditch many a time, when all he’d wanted to do was to gaze at his da as he rode his horse down the lane. One lackey even took a whip to him once, as he’d jumped out in front of his da to confront him; he was only a lad of twelve at the time. But, he’d told Lil, the incident had settled in his mind once and for all that he was Philippe D’Olivier’s son, as the man had gasped at the sight of him – not just because Alfie had startled him, but because he’d seen the likeness between them: Alfie had been the elder man’s double. Even down to the large brown mole on his left cheek.

Then as rumours circulated about his uncle – his da’s brother Ralph – being shot as a traitor, Alfie had suffered further, as folk had taunted him. He’d followed the story as best he could, finding out more after the Great War by visiting the office of the Bradford Tribune and asking questions. He’d been disgusted by the facts. Not long after that the mill had been sold and, with nothing coming to him or his ma, his anger took root. He vented a lot of it on his ma.

In some ways the war had brought a relief from all of that for Alfie, and for Lil. Loving him as she did, she’d hated the thought of him suffering over all that he’d found out. And both of them had thought the war would be over in a few days. It had seemed like a chance for him to escape for a while. Nothing had happened here on British soil, and word had it that the French-fortified Maginot Line was a solid defence that Hitler wouldn’t be able to get through. When the news changed, she’d feared for Alfie. Sleepless night after sleepless night she’d prayed for him, and now here he was, safe and sound.

Checking her appearance for the umpteenth time in the mirror that was set into the coat stand that stood by the door, Lil felt pleased with her appearance. Her chestnut-coloured hair cut in a bobbed style fell in soft waves to just below her ears. Her skin glowed, helped by the rosiness her excited anticipation had given to her cheeks. Her large hazel eyes twinkled – always folk remarked on her eyes. Some called them kind-looking, others said they held happiness and still others called them smiling eyes.

She loved the frock she was wearing and knew Alfie liked it too. Yellow with tiny roses dotted all over it, it had a fitted bodice and a soft flared calf-length skirt. Its belted waistline gave shape to her slight figure. Feeling pleased with the effect she opened the front door, turning as she did and asking, ‘You coming, Mildred?’

‘Naw, I’ll leave you to greet him, lass. I’ll see him when he gets here.’

Poor Mildred. Lil knew she was just savouring the last moments without the look of recrimination that Alfie held in his eyes whenever he looked at her.

Running towards him, Lil began to giggle, such was the joy inside her. Dropping his kit bag, he held out his arms to her. ‘Eeh, me little lass.’ Tears brimmed in his eyes, but she didn’t give any heed to them. To do so would embarrass him.

‘Alfie, Alfie, my Alfie. Oh God, I can’t believe you’re home.’

‘Aye, but for how long no one knows. It was like visiting Hell. And we ain’t done yet.’

‘I know, Alfie, but we have now to savour.’

‘Aye, we do. And I can’t wait to bed you, lass . . .’

‘Alfie Moisley!’

‘Ha, don’t say as you’ve not missed it. How you love it – you’re bound to have.’

She laughed, but inside she didn’t like him talking like this. It seemed to cheapen what they shared. Aye, and what they shared had a tale to tell, for she was with a babby. Five months, but he’d not noticed, not that anyone would as the small roundness the pregnancy had caused to her stomach was hidden by the folds of her frock and her belt hid the thickening of her waist. ‘Your ma’s waiting. Alfie, be gentle with her. She’s suffered with you being away and not knowing how you were.’

His grunt at this put a lead weight in her heart. She loved her ma-in-law and hated to see her pay for summat that wasn’t her fault. Gentry had power over folk in those days – they still did, if it came to it. In Mildred’s day you did as they said, even if it was to open your legs for them when you didn’t want to. You lost your position or suffered terrible consequences if you didn’t comply. But Alfie, being a man who thought there was no such thing as rape, wouldn’t have it.

‘Please, Alfie. She’s your ma and has done her best by you.’

‘Her best! First she lays with that scum of a bastard toff, then she has me and lives hand-to-mouth, starving me to feed herself and all them so-called “uncles”. She’s responsible for it all. I’ve told you. See that? That massive mill and all it stands for? As me da’s eldest, I should have come into all of that. Not doff me cap to him and his younger son . . .’

Oh God, he’s off already, and he’s not stepped inside as yet.

‘Can you imagine how that makes me feel? Cheated – cheated of what’s rightfully mine, that’s how. And all because of Ma. If she’d have had me in wedlock, like other women round here had their young ’uns, then at least I could have held me head up high, even if me da had been a drunken no-good! But I’m a bastard, an unrecognized bastard. And that’s the lowest of the low! She did that to me, and you want me to greet her like a good son? It ain’t going to happen, lass. I’ll take care of her, but that’s all. Anyroad, on the subject of me family, I have news. I’ve met a lass who’s me cousin: the daughter of that bloody coward who was me da’s brother. She’s another bloody toff, and stuck right up her own arse, just like me da and the rest of them were.’

‘Your cousin? Eeh, Alfie.’

‘Aye, but let’s get in first, then I’ll tell you of it.’

During Alfie’s telling Lil began to wonder if this D’Olivier lass was as bad as he wanted to paint her. Aye, it sounded as though she was a bit pompous, but Alfie was probably to blame for that; he’d have been surly with her and put her back up, no doubt. Besides, the lass had been born a silver-spoon-fed bitch, so would naturally have a side to her. But her risking her life for all those men . . . That said something about her, didn’t it? She couldn’t be all bad. It was funny how she had similarities to Alfie: fair curly hair, blue eyes, olive-coloured skin, tall, good-looking, and with a tongue on her that wasn’t afraid to say what she thought. Come to think of it, he’d noticed a lot, considering that he hated her!

She knew better than to say all of this, though, so when he finished his tale she just said, ‘Well, what did you expect of one of them lot? Forget her now, and say hello to your ma. I told you, she’s been waiting for you, Alfie.’

‘Aye, I can see. And I see as you’re still sitting on your fat arse, Ma.’

Lil’s heart went out to Mildred. ‘Don’t, Alfie . . .’

‘Our Lil said you were back. Well, glad to see you, son.’

‘Huh, I’ll bet. Bane of your life, ain’t I, Ma, eh? Well, your sins shall haunt you, as they say.’

Trying to distract them, Lil said, ‘Well, there’s news waiting for you, Alfie. You’re going to be a dad.’

‘By, Lil, lass, that’s good news! You kept that quiet. Never said a word in your letter.’

‘I weren’t sure, but I am now. And only four months to go. Aw, Alfie, how long will you be home? Will you be here for the birth?’

‘Naw, lass. It ain’t on the cards. We don’t know what’ll happen next, but we know as Churchill’s not one for giving in. Did you hear his speech on the wireless? Me and the lads loved the last bit, we were saying it to each other for hours. It went summat like “We shall fight on the beaches and on the landing grounds, in the fields and in the streets, and we shall never surrender.”’

‘Eeh, Alfie, you sounded just like him. You’re a proper mimic.’

‘Aye, well, it were a moving moment, listening to it with the men who had made it back from France. We felt defeated. We were of a mind that our country would be conquered by Hitler, because of us. But Churchill made us see it all in a different light. We all cheered till our throats burned. And all of us agreed: we’ll do as our king asks of us and follow Churchill’s direction, to the last man.’

This had brightened his mood a bit, and it was good to see a smile on his face.

‘But what do yer reckon will happen next? Surely they won’t send the lads anywhere, after what you’ve been through – not yet awhile, anyroad?’

‘I reckon they will. When they said we could go home for a bit, they said it wouldn’t be for long. The fight has to continue, but we’re on our own at the mo. All the rest of Europe is conquered, so we’ve a long way to go. It’s down to the RAF, as I see it. They have to keep them Germans back from invading us. But us Army blokes will have our bit to do. We were told there’d be extra training in desert warfare, so I think we’ll be going to Africa.’

‘No! Oh, Alfie, I can’t bear it . . .’

‘Come on, lass. Let’s not talk of it now. Come and say a proper hello to your man.’

Taking her hand, he guided her towards the stairs. A glance at Mildred told her that this turn of events didn’t bother her. She just nodded and turned her gaze back to the fireplace.

Embarrassed, but excited at the prospect of having her man back with her and making love to her, Lil put Mildred out of her mind and went with Alfie.

In his haste he seemed to have forgotten to take care. More than once he hurt her when he tried to enter her whilst she still had her knickers on. They were tight with the extra weight she had around her middle, and it meant the elasticated legs cut into her. Not having the success he craved, he tore them off her and shoved himself at her but missed, bruising the delicate area around the entrance to her vagina and making her cry out.

‘Come on – give me a hand. I have to have you. I’ll come in a minute, and then you’ll have nowt.’

‘Slow down, Alfie, love, you’re going at me as if you’re an animal. It’s been a long time. We need to love each other a bit first.’

‘I ain’t got no time for that malarkey. What’s up with you? Get it in you! I want it, and I want it now!’

Disappointed, she guided him in and lay back, hoping for that special sensation as he thrust in and out of her, but the moment had been spoilt and there was nothing for her, other than a feeling of being used as he gasped his pleasure and slumped down on her. His sweat wet her face and the taste of his tobacco and a faint wisp of alcohol wafted over her from his heavy breathing. Her stomach heaved. Pushing him off, she grabbed the pot from under the bed and emptied the contents of her stomach into it.

‘Christ! Carrying a babby’s done nowt for you, lass. That weren’t a bit like it used to be. Oh aye, I came, and that were good, but that’s all. But I could have done that with me hand. I’ve never been so disappointed in me life.’

‘I need a drink of water. Sorry, love, maybe later, eh?’

‘I ain’t bothering with later, if that’s all you have to offer, you stupid cow. A man comes home from war, having tasted the fires of Hell, and all he gets is a struggle, a few groans and a chance to pump his load. It ain’t good enough, I’m telling you. Aye, and I’ll tell you summat else while I’m on: I stopped for a pint earlier, and that Joan Parfitt gave me the eye. Lads have allus reckoned she were worth a poke, so you’d better buck up your ideas.’

A sob escaped her. This was the side of her Alfie that she didn’t like. It didn’t always show itself, but if things didn’t go his way, then it would appear in a flash. She’d not tell him it was his own fault for hurrying too much and not giving her a chance to show her love for him. Instead she’d leave him to cool off a bit – go and make him a nice cuppa and bring that up to him, and then he’d have a sleep. It’d be better next time, she was sure of it.

‘You been crying, our Lil? Has that sod hurt you?’

She’d emptied and cleaned the pot and was passing by Mildred to put it on the bottom step, ready for taking back upstairs, when Mildred said this. Making herself sound cheerful, Lil smiled as she said, ‘Naw, it’s all right, Mildred. I’m fine. I’m making a cuppa. Do you want one?’

‘Aye, I will, ta. Sounds like that were no more than a rape of you. It’s to be expected, with him being away so long and what he’s been through, so don’t hold it against him. It’ll be reet.’

‘Aye, happen.’ Mildred was never one to let things go. Well, she had some things she didn’t want to let go of herself, and suddenly the moment seemed right. ‘Mildred? You’ve never told me what happened to you. You know, what led you to have Alfie? Oh, I know as you’ve said it was rape, but talk . . .’

‘Aye, I know what is said. And, naw, I’ve never told anyone what really happened. But I don’t mind talking of it to you. I’d like you to know the truth of it. It was partly me own fault. I had a crush on Philippe D’Olivier. I worked at mill, and he was the boss’s son. Handsome, he was. He’d had to learn the business from the bottom up, and so was on the factory floor a lot of the time. He had an eye for me, or so I thought. I was naive. Me, from the workhouse, attracting the likes of him? I was mad to think it. He’d talk to me a lot and then one day he asked me to walk out with him. I don’t mind telling you, lass, I thought all me Christmases had come at once. Mrs Skeldon was the supervisor of us lasses and was reet put out, as I didn’t need her permission to go, with him being who he was. But she warned me. She told me as he were only after one thing. I didn’t believe her. Anyroad, when we got out of sight he attacked me straight away. I tried to fight him off, but he hurt me bad. And so it happened. I thought when I went with a man it would be good, as all the girls sniggered about it, and in a way as if to say it were something to look forward to, but it weren’t. It was the worst thing that ever happened to me.’

As she fell into a silence Lil thought, Aye, it can be. I’ve had experience of the worst of it, but then I’ve had the good an’ all. It just depends on Alfie’s mood. ‘I’ll get that pot on the go.’

‘Well, I should tell it all now. You’ve took something from him too, because of it.’ Her head nodded towards the stairs. ‘You see, that weren’t it all, and though I think I caught that first time, he used me a lot after that. Most nights after work he’d take me into the woods and have me. It weren’t so bad as time went on. I began to enjoy it, and he said I were good, so I had thoughts that something might come of it as, even though he were married, he didn’t care for his wife. But when I told him as I’d missed me monthly, he dropped me like I were a hot poker. Not long after that he went up to London for a while. I was given this cottage, well, in a sort of way. It’s mine for the rest of me days, or until I don’t want it any longer, and then it reverts back to the estate. After that I were left to fend for meself, so I took in lodgers.’

Dashing into the scullery, Lil drew some water from the pump next to the sink. The noise would drown out anything else Mildred said. She was sorry she’d asked her in the first place, as now there was doubt in her mind that the initial rape of Mildred had spawned Alfie. It could have happened on one of the occasions when she had begun to enjoy giving herself to Philippe D’Olivier, and that changed things. But one thing she didn’t want to hear was the confirming of what she’d heard about her ma-in-law taking in men as lodgers. She didn’t like to think of Mildred being more than a landlady to them, to earn extra to keep bread on the table. What she’d told her so far was enough. And it confirmed what Alfie had said about who his father was, for she’d had her misgivings about that, given Mildred’s reputation. Alfie never had. He believed himself a D’Olivier through and through.

But then she should feel pity for Mildred. Oh aye, she’d become willing. All sins of the flesh are weakening, they say. Mind, that was a revelation: her being given this cottage, for as long as she needed it. Alfie had never said this. She’d always assumed it was rented.

Alfie’s mood had lifted by the time she handed him his tea. ‘Eeh, I’m sorry, lass. I shouldn’t have reacted like that. It was my fault.’

‘Aye, it was. You never gave me a chance to give you the enjoyment of it, and there was none for me. And while I’m on it, Alfie Moisley, you just think about going with the likes of Joan Parfitt – or anyone else – and you’ll feel the wrath of me. I’ll hit you with your ma’s heavy iron frying pan, and that’s a promise!’

‘Eeh, that’s me lass! There’s a line I shouldn’t cross, I knows that. And I won’t. I have no desire to. Come here, let’s give you a proper one. I’m calmer now and I’ll take care of loving you.’

This time, in his taking of her, he gave pleasure as well as enjoying it himself. He patiently used all the old skills that she knew him to have, caressing her body with his hands and his tongue, finding all the spots that drove a wave of thrills through her. Turning her, he entered her and gave himself to her in the position she loved, until she cried out her joy as the sensations splintered the very fibre of her. Then, laying her on her back, he had his own pleasure, until their moans of completeness joined in a sound that all in the neighbourhood must have heard.

Giggling as they uncoupled, Alfie said, ‘By, me little lass, that’s what I come home for.’

Slapping him playfully, she went into his arms and knew that the memory of the last time had been wiped away. She should have expected it. It didn’t matter, as everything was right between them again.

Sipping his tea, Alfie went back to the subject of his cousin. ‘You know, it were a shock to discover her. I didn’t know she existed. And though I hate her for who she is, I have to hand it to her, she showed courage like I’ve never seen a woman show before. Oh aye, she gave way to tears after she knew we were safe, but before that she was like a rock – a shining light in all the horror. Talking to the men, encouraging them, and even pulling great big blokes out of the water. I’m proud of her, thou knows. Reet proud of her.’

‘Well, it’s nice to hear you say summat good about one of them, for a change. I couldn’t have done what she did. And it couldn’t have been easy for her to live with what her da did, either. By, I’d be so ashamed, I’d hide meself away from the world.’

‘Perhaps that’s what she’s done. I went back, thou knows – me and me posh cousin’s boyfriend, he were a good sort – and we rescued another two loads of men.’

‘Alfie, you didn’t!’

Listening to him, she felt proud of him, though it put a fear in her for what could have happened and she wished he’d just accepted the fact that he was safe and left it to others to save the rest of them. ‘Well, I reckon your family did good that day, Alfie. Cos I’m proud of you, too – proud of the both of you. I wish things could be different and you could know one another. I reckon you’d get on well together. You seem to show the same courage, anyroad.’

‘Aye, you’re reet, we do. Well, you never know. Though I know one thing: I already hate her a little less.’

This settled a peace in Lil: for Alfie to say what he had about someone from that side of his family suggested that some reconciliation had taken place inside him. She hoped so, for bitterness could corrupt the fibre of a man, and she’d seen signs of that in her Alfie. It wasn’t too late for him, though. It was never too late.