LONDON & KENT, APRIL 1941
THE CONSEQUENCES OF A ‘DEAR JOHN’ LETTER
Dear Alfie,
Yes, it was me in the picture, and yes, I have moved to London. I’m training to be a nurse and then may go to the front line to tend the wounded. I am very happy . . . something I don’t think I could have been if I was with you any more. You changed, Alfie, you stopped caring about me. And, well, I reckon as what you did to me when you were home last – the rough way you took me – caused our babby to come early and to lose his life . . . There, I’ve said it now. And though I am weeping and find these words hard to say, they need saying. You should know what your rape of me caused. I cannot stay married to a man like you.
I know we can’t divorce – that isn’t possible for folk like us – but I have to separate from you. So, whatever you get up to, do so with a clear conscience, as none of it will matter to me. I hope you can find it in you to write to your ma and treat her with some kindness. She has never done a wrong to you. I wish you well, Alfie, and hope you keep safe.
Lil
Writing the letter to Alfie had upset Lil more than she thought possible and still, four months later, when she had a moment, she thought about it and a part of her wished she hadn’t done it. But then that was probably due to the fact that she should have had a reply by now, and her nerves were on edge as to why she hadn’t.
It had taken all her courage to write it, as she knew she would be vilified for doing so. Folk looked on such letters as shocking. ‘Dear John’ letters, they called them. It was thought that no matter how a woman felt, or even if she found someone else, it was cruel to tell her man whilst he was away fighting. Despite that, Lil felt justified in going ahead and sending it.
It had been a letter from him out of the blue that had prompted her. She’d been incensed that he’d never bothered to write to her about the death of their child, and yet he had felt it okay that he should write when he’d seen a picture of her in the newspaper.
Mildred had written to Alfie to tell him about their baby’s death at the time it had happened. Lil had told Mildred to inform Alfie that she wouldn’t be writing to him herself just yet, and he needn’t apply for compassionate leave. She needed some time to come to terms with everything that had happened. To her, Alfie was to blame, and she couldn’t face seeing him at that time.
From then on it had been only Mildred who had written to Alfie, and she never received anything in return. But then a letter had arrived from him and Mildred had posted it on. It seemed that Alfie had seen a picture of Lil standing behind Ruby, talking to the King. Unbeknown to her, it had been on the front page of the News of the World, one of the papers sent out in Red Cross parcels.
The letter conveyed his anger and said things like ‘What do you think you’re up to?’ And ‘Get yourself home, where you’re meant to be, and I’ll sort you out when I get back!’
It was then that Lil had known that she had to write and tell Alfie the truth. But not yet receiving a reply had got her agitated, although she knew that if anything serious had happened to prevent him writing, a telegram would have come to inform them, and Mildred wouldn’t have kept that from her.
Mildred had informed her that her name was mud back in Yorkshire. Northern folk didn’t like the soldiers receiving ‘Dear John’ letters, but to Lil it seemed the kindest thing she could do – be truthful and let Alfie deal with it. He was man enough. At least he thought himself to be. He was probably having what he wanted from the black girls in Africa. Well, she felt sorry for them, because he’d forgotten how to love, and make a girl feel good and have that special feeling. He’d become selfish and only wanted his own relief. Repulsion shuddered through her as she thought of this.
She hadn’t told him her address. If he did get home on leave, she didn’t want him finding her, and she knew Mildred wouldn’t give it to him.
London was her home now, with Gillian and Ruby, though she didn’t get to see them that often. She now worked in Kent, in this grand old house. It was called Crescent Abbey and had been commissioned by the government to house wounded officers. Sometimes she looked at the magnificence of it – it looked more like a palace than a house, and stood in acres of beautiful gardens – and wondered about the family who had lived here.
The Red Cross had put her forward to train as a nurse and had sent her here. For a trainee, she was given a lot of responsibility and had to live in the Abbey during her working shifts. Her room, like every room in the house, was grand: high ceilings, with carvings so beautiful that she often lay on her bed just gazing at them. Some of the carvings had tips picked out in a gold so shiny that she was convinced it was real. Nothing was plain – even the balustrades of beautiful wood were all intricately carved. Flock wallpaper still adorned the recreation areas, and the furniture was like none she’d ever seen before. Only the wards had been stripped back and whitewashed. She loved the place and felt like a queen gliding around it.
Leaving it was always a wrench, though exciting, too. Every two weeks she travelled to a nursing college in London, where she’d stay over with Gillian. She had one of these days coming up, and a leave day. She’d take Gillian to the pictures – she’d like that. The poor lass was still a bit lost after the death of her mother. Perhaps Ruby would come with them, and they could get a bottle of beer from the pub on the way home and make a night of it. Thank God the air-raids had finished now and some normality was seeping back into London.
Mildred wrote to her at Gillian’s address and, every time Lil went there, a letter had arrived for her. She always looked forward to reading it, though she worried about Mildred. She was alone in that cottage and didn’t go out much.
This had her thinking that she would write to Mildred’s old next-door-neighbour, Enid. She’d ask her to look out for Mildred, and explain why she’d sent the letter to Alfie and why she couldn’t give her address. She should have done this a long time ago, and then Enid could have stood up for her.
‘Lawd above! ’Ere you are.’ Arthur, the male ward orderly, made her jump by saying this as he came up behind her. ‘Tea break’s over – it’s time for the patients to have a cup of tea. And they don’t need to be served it from a weeping woman. Keep your moment to yourself, love. They have more to cry about than you do.’
She hadn’t realized she was crying. Rising from the step outside the kitchen where she’d taken her break, she hadn’t noticed how stiff her bottom had become, either! Patting it, she said, ‘Sorry, Arthur. I’m coming. Have you done all the bed-baths?’
‘Not all of them. Fred felt sick and had to go outside, so I did what I could on my own. It was the smell of that young man with gangrene that did Fred in. He had just started to clean him when it turned his stomach.’
‘Aye, it does that to me at times. Leave Officer Rigmay to me, I’ll see to him. Bless him, he’s from the north like me, and he feels at home hearing me voice. Eeh, lad’s got a lot to put up with. I reckon that leg will have to come off, or we’ll lose him.’
As she entered the ward and looked around, the plight of these bed-patients tugged at her heart. None of them would recover sufficiently to live the lives they had dreamed of. It just doesn’t seem fair what they are going through, thought Lil, and all because of bloody Hitler’s whim to rule the world. Her heart ached for them and their families, but she had found a way to cope and give of her cheery best to them. They needed her to – they needed someone’s strength to latch onto.
Even though a trainee, she was the most senior on the ward today and only had the two male orderlies, Arthur and Fred, to help her. Sometimes it frightened her, having to make decisions that she didn’t feel should be on her shoulders, as there wasn’t always time to fetch the doctor or go to matron’s office for advice.
The smell hit her before she reached Officer Rigmay’s bed. His moans of agony cut at her heart. ‘Eeh, lad, you’re in a bad way with that leg, but don’t worry. I’ll telephone an emergency through. They’ll sort it. I’ll be back in a mo.’
With the call made and the promise of an ambulance on its way, Lil felt cheered, but on going back to the officer she wondered if it would come in time. To her mind, the doctors should have taken the leg off straight away. The wound was old and infected by the time the lad was brought off the hospital ship. They’d had too many to cope with on board and had prioritized treating the dying first. But it should have been obvious that gangrene could set in, when all they’d done was clean it, set it and send him here. She wondered at the mentality of those in the big hospitals sometimes.
‘Rigmay? Officer Rigmay?’ His face had paled even more. ‘Hold on, sir. They’re coming for you. I’ve asked the local doctor to come over as well. He can give you summat to help the pain.’
‘I’m not going to make it, Nurse.’
‘None of that talk! You’re a northerner – oh aye, a posh one, but we don’t give up, now, do we, lad?’
‘What’s your name?’ ‘Lil.’
‘Lil, that’s a nice name. My nanny was called Lil. She was like you: Never say die.’
‘Well then, do as your nanny told you, eh?’ Wiping the sweat from his brow frightened her, as she felt the cold yet clammy signs of a high fever.
‘My name’s Adrian. I have a sister your age . . .’
‘Oh, and how old is that?’
‘Twenty-four, I’d say.’
‘And you’d be reet. Now, stop talking and rest.’
‘I have a long time to rest. Oooh . . . !’
‘Arthur! Run to the doctor and tell him I’ve sent for an ambulance, but Officer Rigmay needs some strong painkillers, which I am not allowed to administer. Tell him to hurry.’
‘There’s no time.’
‘Please don’t say that, Adrian. Please fight. A lot of getting better is willpower.’
‘Tell Mother and my sister I love them.’
‘Don’t give up. Adrian, please don’t give up.’
It didn’t seem to matter what she said, as she knew that Adrian couldn’t take any more. He’d chosen not to fight and couldn’t face the pain. His eyes closed, his breathing became shallow. Nothing she did could stop him slipping into a coma. But although fear for him gripped her, she took comfort in what she had been told: in some cases when this happened the body’s own survival instincts took over. She hoped with all her might that this would happen for Adrian, as she set about fixing an oxygen mask on him. This bloody war! How I’ll get through it, I don’t know, but somehow I’ll have to.
Gillian met her at Shadwell Street station. Her face was lit with a smile Lil had not seen for a long time.
‘Eeh, lass, it’s good to see you. Let me give you a hug.’
‘You’re crying, Lil, what’s wrong?’
‘Everything and nowt, as they say. We lost a lad last night. Oh, I know, we lose a lot of them, and deal with stuff that would turn some folk grey, but there was something about this one. He seemed to go against what others do. He didn’t even try to fight. He gave up. As if he had no life to live, after what he’d been through.’
‘It must be bad dealing with all that every day, Lil. I feel for yer. I couldn’t do it. Think of ’im as at peace now, and he couldn’t ’ave ’ad anyone better to tend to ’im in ’is dying ’our. Now cheer up, love. Lawd, it’s good ter ’ave you ’ome. ’Ow have you been?’
Drying her eyes, Lil felt a warmth enter her. This young lass had become like family to her. She was the only family she had other than Mildred. She didn’t think of Alfie as family any more, or of those in the workhouse she’d grown up in, as that place had taken her ma from her. Those thoughts brought only misery to her and, such as it was, meeting up with Gillian was a joyous occasion that she didn’t want to spoil. So for a few hours she’d put what went on in Crescent Abbey behind her and enjoy her time off. ‘You’re reet, lass, I did me best, and now I have to put it behind me and carry on. Come on, let’s get going, I’m dying for one of your Ruby’s Rosie Lee’s.’
‘Ruby’s not been so well, Lil. I’m worried about her. She coughs like mad, and them fags don’t ’elp her.’
‘Oh?’ Lil felt fearful. Ruby had seemed a bit under the weather the last couple of times she’d visited. ‘She’s not picked up yet, then?’
‘No. ’Er man keeps saying she’ll be all right. That it’s a cold landed on ’er chest, but it’s not the weather for colds and I can’t remember ’er ever ’aving one . . . Oi, watch where you’re going, mate!’
The man who had nearly knocked Gillian over turned to face Lil. She couldn’t believe her eyes. ‘Jimmy, Jimmy Gibbins? What’re you doing here . . . ? What . . . ?’
‘Grab her, Brian, I’ll get the young ’un.’
‘Eeh, what d’yer think yer doing – leave her alone . . . Argh!’ The swipe knocked Lil backwards, and her body smacked against the wall of the alleyway the two men had dragged them into.
She couldn’t understand what was happening. Jimmy and Brian were neighbours from up north. A rough couple of crooks who’d do anything for the price of a couple of pints. They’d missed the call-up by dodging from here to there and lying low; both were wanted by the police and the military.
Jimmy’s ugly tone raised her fear to terror. ‘Write a “Dear John” letter to a man serving his country, would you? You’re a reet whore, doing summat like that – and to one of ours. Well, we’ve come to avenge him. He saw the name of the street you were in, written under that picture of you in the paper. And it were easy for us to find out everything after that. Reet little Nurse Nightingale, aren’t you? Aye, we’ve watched you; and that Arthur as works with you has a loose tongue in his head when he hears some coins rattling. Alfie wants you to get what’s due to you. He said that you called him taking his due “rape”. Well, he wants you to know what real rape is, and it ain’t what a man is allowed to give to his missus.’
Gillian’s scream took Lil’s attention from the horror of what Jimmy had said. ‘Leave her alone, she’s nothing to do with it – let her go.’
‘Naw. She might not be owt to do with this business, but I allus fancied her when she lived up our end. And what I fancy, I get. Now, shut your mouth, lass.’ Pulling Gillian round to face him, Brian punched her, sending her flying. Her body hit the wall before slumping to the ground.
Fresh courage entered Lil. Twisting herself round, she freed herself from Jimmy’s grasp and kicked out with all her might. Her foot squelched into Jimmy’s privates. He sank to his knees, crying out like a babby until vomit shot from him, choking him. Tears ran down his face.
Righting herself, she turned on Brian. ‘By, lad, you’re well known as a coward – hit a young girl, would you? Eeh, come on then, try it on me and see what happens.’ The fear inside her made her words tremble as Brian moved towards her. Picking up her case, she went to swing it at him, but Jimmy grabbed her ankle and upended her. She landed in his vile-smelling vomit, only to look up and see Brian’s foot coming towards her.
The room she awoke in closed in on her. A putrid smell of years of rotting rubbish and dank soil stung her nostrils. Damp had formed a furry growth on the walls. There were no windows and the weak bulb above her didn’t give off much light – a cellar? Choking on the foul-tasting rag they’d stuffed into her mouth, a despair settled in her.
A noise. A grunting, coupled with crying and pleading, came to her from an adjoining room – oh God, Gillian!
Trying to move her arms and legs stretched a pain through her ribs. Realization filtered through her fuzzy brain that the men had tied her feet and wrists together behind her. Anxiety made her sweat, even though the room was cold. Tears wetted her face. The screams went on and on. Oh, God, help Gillian . . . Please help her!
Gillian was a virgin. Rape hurt, Lil knew that, but to be a virgin suffering it – oh God, she couldn’t think of it. Gillian, oh Gillian . . .
‘Hurry up, it’s my turn. I were the one who wanted this one.’ It was Brian’s voice, thick with his need.
Then Jimmy answered him. ‘You’re not having a turn, you’re doing the other one. This is to get you ready. You know how you have a problem – blokes your size allus do. Anyroad shut up, you’re putting me off.’
A moan came from Gillian that held desolation. Lil knew that Gillian could take no more and had no fight left, only acceptance. This must have triggered Jimmy, bringing an end at last to his assault on Gillian as his holler filled the space around Lil. When it died down there was a moment’s silence. Lil strained to hear if Gillian said anything, but all she heard was the vile half-laugh of Jimmy. ‘Ha, me legs have gone – that were summat else. Not had a virgin afore. Light me a fag, Brian.’
Lil’s body crumpled into itself. Wretchedness seeped from every pore and guilt burned her. Her letter to Alfie had brought this down upon Gillian.
The door crashed open. A brighter light shone through, giving her a view of Brian standing there with an animal-like expression and the stance of a thug.
Grabbing her, he turned her over onto her front. A whimper of pain came from her throat. Lying on her stomach, tied as she was, took away any chance of her fighting him. She felt a tugging on her legs, which increased the pain for a moment, and then released it as her legs flopped away from her body and her toes hit the ground.
Even though her arms were still tied, she moved in a twisting and turning fashion, trying to kick out at him. But it did nothing to stop him. He just laughed as Jimmy came through the door and goaded him, ‘Go on, Brian. Show her. Let her know she did wrong.’
The feel of Brian’s hand slithering up her thigh made her want to scream, but she couldn’t. The grunt that came from her grated in her throat. The tears, already running down her face, now flowed into her mouth and added a salty taste to the stale rag.
His hand reached inside her knickers.
‘Get on with it, Brian. I want to see her squirm. Here, let me take that rag out of her mouth. Let’s hear her beg for mercy. Not that she’ll find any.’
Even though she knew it was fruitless, she tried to reason with them as she pulled herself away from Brian’s probing fingers. ‘Why? Why’re you doing this – what have I ever done to you? You weren’t no mates of Alfie; you were the ones who rigged him as a kid, cos of his da. And you’ve given his ma hell whenever you’ve had fun at her expense, so what’s going on, eh? How could you do what you just did to a young lass?’
‘Alfie’s paying us, that’s why. We don’t give two hoots about him – the Nazis can kill him, for all we care – but he’ll have a nice packet sent to his ma, once he knows you’ve been punished. But while we’re at it, you’re worse than us: you’ve sunk lower than any of us could. You abandoned one of our soldiers, and you’re going to pay.’
‘Aye, and I had good reason to. But for all that, at least Alfie’s not a coward. You’re both stinking, rotten cowards. Why ain’t you out there fighting, eh? How long d’yer reckon you can get away with it? They’ll throw you in prison, and I’ll be glad of it. Everyone hates you both, they—’
‘Shut your filthy mouth!’ The kick caught her shoulder and sent a stinging pain down her back.
‘Reet, Brian, if you can’t handle her, I’ll have to help.’
Undoing her arms, he stretched them out. The weight of his knees crushed them, causing Lil agony, but this was nothing compared to the sick humiliation of seeing him take himself from his trousers and realizing that he was going to abuse her too. As he lowered himself towards her mouth she moved her head to the side. ‘Ha, you’re going to have it, no matter what.’ His sick laughter as he said this echoed around her. When Jimmy paused she became aware of Brian wedged between her legs. His weight came down on her, forcing the breath from her. His hand fumbled, trying to guide himself into her. His fingers scratched the delicate skin of her vagina as he prised open the entrance. His struggling bruised her inner thighs. Trying to get into her, he shoved with all his might. Then she knew what Jimmy had meant when he’d said ‘blokes your size’. It felt as if she was being forced to take something the size of a rolling pin into her.
Tensing made it worse, and caused scars from the birth of her son to be ripped open, searing her with soreness. Brian’s cries of sheer ecstasy increased her despair. How long would it take? Please let it end.
Her back rasped on the concrete floor; the rawness of her insides stung. Jimmy’s words made her want her own death. ‘Brian, give me a hand. You can still pound her while I have mine in her mouth.’
Try it – go on try it, and I’ll bite it off. She dare not say the words, but cringed as he said, ‘Hold her face, Brian, stop being so selfish. Get your fingers in her mouth and hold it open . . .’ His words faded into a look of shock. His body fell forward. Panic seized Lil. She couldn’t breathe with the weight of them both on top of her. God, help me . . . help me . . .
The help came from Brian. Crushed himself, he raised his body and Jimmy slid off him. Lil looked up. Above her stood a demented Gillian, bruised, cut and with eyes protruding from their sockets. In her hand she held a bloodied knife.
Brian pulled himself from her and rose to his knees, his mouth slack, his eyes staring at the body of Jimmy and then back at Gillian.
Lil couldn’t move or speak. Her fear for Gillian, and the enormity of what had happened, had taken everything from her. Froth lathered Gillian’s chin and gathered around her lips. A sound that Lil couldn’t compare to anything she’d ever heard before came from Gillian as she lunged forward. Brian ducked to one side. The knife went into his neck.
Blood spurted over Lil. Warm and sticky, it hit her face and covered her breasts. Still she couldn’t move, as she watched Brian’s body sway and then, as if in slow motion, fall to one side, trapping her legs.
Gillian sank to her knees. A terrible hollow moan came from her. With all her strength Lil moved Brian off her legs and crawled towards Gillian. Taking her trembling body into her arms, she wept with her. Huge sobs verging on hysteria came from both of them. It joined their anguish in a desperate feeling that Lil didn’t see them ever rising from.