20

Lil

KENT & LONDON, SEPTEMBER 1941

A DOUBLE-EDGED SWORD

Torn two ways, Lil looked at the letters. Shock at the contents of both of them held her rigid with indecision. Why, why . . . ? How can I cope? How can I split myself in two? In three, in fact, for as well as Gillian and Mildred, she had Alice to consider, too. Alice, so frail, so hurt; a broken young woman, whom Lil knew she now loved very much. But that love within her was strong for all three women who were hurting.

In the first letter Gillian begged her to come and help, as Ruby had reached her dying days. The torment of this cut deep. Oh, Ruby, lass . . . And poor Gillian, what must all this be doing to her? Her being acquitted at the trial had been wonderful, but it hadn’t been the end of the story for her. No, she had a long way to go.

This anguish vied heavily with the contents of the second letter. She hadn’t properly taken in what it told her, and didn’t know how she felt. Rocked – that’s the only way she could describe it. Rocked off the centre of her world, and yet she had to admit to a little relief entering her. Alfie was dead! Killed in action. Poor Mildred had had the shock of receiving the telegram.

Lil felt very differently from how she would have felt, had she received the news a couple of years ago, but her heart bled for Mildred. With Alfie’s death, the hope that one day he would show Mildred some love had died, too. That hadn’t happened, and now Mildred would have to live with those memories forever. Poor woman!

But what was she to do? Which way to turn? Everyone needed a part of her – how could she give it to them all?

‘Bad news, Lil?’

Alice’s voice came to her. Lil had taken her letters into the garden. She was up to date with all her morning duties and had allowed herself a moment of respite.

‘I’m not intruding, am I, only you looked very distressed?’

‘No, I’m glad you have come over to me. I don’t know which way to turn . . .’ A sudden realization stopped her. God, I have to tell Alice that her cousin has died!

‘What is it? Can I be of help?’

Eeh, how she longed for a northern voice saying, ‘Come here, lass, you look like you’ve been hit with a shovel, what’s to do?’ Or even an East End one, like Ruby saying, ‘What’s clocked you one then, love?’ These officers had a stilted tone to their voices, whatever they said, though Alice did try to show she cared – she’d give her that. It was what Alice had been through that stopped her fully showing her feelings.

‘I have troubles that are more than I know how to cope with at the moment, lass.’ She could speak like this to Alice, but only when they were alone. ‘I’ve had a couple of shocks, and one of them affects you. Sit down, love. I’m to tell you summat as will hurt you.’ Alice sat. Her eyes held an inquisitiveness, nothing more – no worry or fear; it was as if nothing could touch her on top of what already had. She’d been here at Crescent Abbey two months, a time that had seen her body healing, although her inner self was still broken.

‘I’m sorry, lass, but Alfie has been killed in action.’ Just like that. How come she could say that to this near-stranger – as Alice was in a way – and not feel anything? No sadness or gladness, nothing.

‘Oh. I – I don’t know what to say. I – I . . .’

‘There’s nowt you can say. Only, I thought with you having thoughts of meeting him and making everything right, it would be a bit much for you to take.’

‘No. I mean – well, I don’t want to sound cold or thoughtless, but it’s hard for me to feel anything at all. I was just worried about you and your own feelings.’

‘Oh, I’m all right. I’m long over feeling owt for Alfie, and a bit of me is relieved. But I feel for his ma – you know, Mildred, that I told you of?’

‘Yes, I remember. I haven’t given it all a lot of thought. Yes, poor woman, and never having felt his love – that’s . . .’

‘Eeh, lass. I never thought I’d say this to anyone, but it’s good to see you cry again. I can’t bear it when you’re so closed up. It’s like you’re a non-person.’

‘I – I can relate to the feeling of others, when it matches my own. Mildred is me in reverse. My mother never loved me.’

‘Your mother is dead? By, lass, you’ve been through summat . . .’

‘No, I tried to make her so. Not literally, but well, in my heart and mind. I wanted to be free of her. But Mildred’s pain at her son’s rejection has shown me that I’m not immune to the pain of my own rejection by my mother. You see . . .’

Listening to Alice’s tale about her mother helped Lil come to a deeper understanding of her. ‘I’ve said it more than once, lass, we’ve all been through the mill, but by, your troubles top them all. And I suspect there’s even more as you’re not saying. Well, don’t force it. Let it out in bits like this. It’s easier that way. And, if you like, I can find out how your mother is. That might settle you some.’

‘No. Thanks, but no, I’m not ready. I’ve let a bit of her back in, but I’m not ready for any more, not yet. But you said there was something pulling you many ways – what else has happened?’

After Lil told her, Alice said, ‘Oh dear, you will have to go to Gillian, won’t you? But what will I do then?’

Lil knew this sounded worse than it was meant to. Poor Alice had a real fear within her, and the connection between them was like a prop to her. It wasn’t that she felt herself more important than the others, or her needs more pressing than theirs; she just didn’t know how to cope without Lil. The feeling this gave her was a good one. Their class, their education – well, everything about them divided them, but the feeling they had for one another bonded them, and that bond was stronger than the divide.

‘Maybe they’ll give me some leave and let you come with me. I reckon as you would like Gillian and Ruby, and helping them would help you. Give you something to focus on.’

‘I would love that. I wouldn’t be able to do much on the physical side, but I could help a bit, couldn’t I? Oh, I do hope they will let me.’

‘I don’t see why not. You’re on sick leave, and that gives you more freedom. Not as much as proper leave, but you must have some of that due anyroad?’

‘I have, as it happens. I’ll talk to the doctor. I needn’t tell him I’m coming with you – he might think that too traumatic – but I could say I want to go home for a couple of weeks. I have maids at home who would see to me, if that was the truth, so I think it would work.’

‘You’re on, lass. But you know Gillian’s house ain’t what you’re used to.’

‘Nothing is what I am used to. Or rather it all is, now. I am sure Gillian’s house is nowhere near as bad as some of the places I have had to stay in over these last months. Don’t worry about me. I’m not coming to give you further worry.’

‘Naw, it will give me less worry having you there. Then I will know as you’re all right. And I didn’t mean to imply that Gillian’s house is rough, or dirty; it is lovely, just small and hasn’t got the luxuries you are used to in your own home. But having you with me doesn’t solve everything. There’s still Mildred . . . And I’m to face losing Ruby, and poor Gillian’s not up to it all. I told you about the rape – well, she’s never recovered. Not to become the lass she were, she hasn’t.’

‘No, it will take her a long time. You have done really well yourself. Look, what if I pay for Mildred to come and stay nearby? I’d love to meet her, and have always intended to take care of Alfie’s mother as best I can. I would like to provide for her and see that she has everything she needs, and this would be a start. Do you think she would come?’

‘It would be a solution, and I think she would, but she’s not used to fancy guesthouses. There’s room at Gillian’s – she has three bedrooms, and she’s been staying full-time at Ruby’s, she tells me, and I can’t see her changing that until . . .’

‘Oh, Lil, I haven’t given you a thought in all of this. Forgive me. Of course it is all affecting you, these are your loved ones. I am so selfish. I’m sorry.’

‘Naw, don’t be. It doesn’t matter. I have to go to Gillian and Ruby, but to have you and Mildred with me will make everything easier. We can all be a help to each other.’

Saying the words didn’t make the task sound any easier. All of these folk would need different things from her. Lil just hoped she was up to giving them what each of them would want.

Gillian was shocked when Lil told her the plan. Lil had rung the shop on the corner of Gillian’s street and left a message asking, if one of Gillian’s neighbours dropped in, would the shopkeeper give her a message to take to Gillian? He never minded doing this, and she had learned that it was a regular occurrence for the shopkeeper: informing this or that person they needed to contact someone. Gillian had rung Lil at the hospital from a phone box.

After telling Lil that Ruby was deteriorating fast, and having a cry together about this, Gillian had said, ‘Anyway, love, me ’ouse ain’t had a duster round it for ages, and you want to land a posh bitch on me! You take the biscuit, Lil! But they’re welcome – especially Mildred, bless her. It’ll be nice to have her with us. I always liked Mildred.’

Lil had said how sorry she was to ask, and had told Gillian she hadn’t known which way to turn, but that it seemed like a good solution, to have all those she was worried about in one place. Then she had added, ‘And Alice ain’t like your normal posh kind, I promise. I wrote you about her, remember?’

‘I know,’ Gillian had said, ‘and it’s all right. Typical of you, though. You’re a regular Miss Nightingale, Lil. You’re gathering all the poor sods in the world. But, like I said, I’m all right with it. I have a lot on me plate, so a bit more ain’t going to hurt me.’

The guilt that Lil had felt had settled a little with this. She could tell that Gillian was secretly glad of the distraction.

But when Alice’s driver took them to the station to meet Mildred off the train later that day, Lil’s worries increased. From being a sprightly woman who could hold her head up against anything, Mildred had turned into a crumpled old soul who looked lost.

Holding her was all Lil could think to do. And she did, as the steam and smoke from the train swirled around them. After a moment Mildred stood back and took stock of Lil. ‘By, lass, you’ve gone up in the world. That suit looks like it cost a bob or two. It suits you.’

‘Ta, Ma. I don’t really like black, but – well, it’s more fitting at the moment. By, it’s good to see you, Ma.’ It was easy for Lil to call Mildred ‘Ma’ as she had become like a true mother to her, as well as a friend.

‘I know, lass. A lot has fallen on you. It sounds as though you are going to have your own “home for the lost and needy”. But I’ll help, I promise. It’s just what I need – to be among folk and to help them, instead of thinking of me own troubles.’

‘You’re all right with who Alice is then? I mean, you understood the message I sent? I couldn’t say it outright, as them at the Exchange gossip.’

‘Yes, I understood. The lass you have with you is the niece of that Philippe D’Olivier, who did wrong by me. But none of that was her fault, so I’ll not mention owt.’

This brought relief to Lil. ‘I’m glad to hear it, Ma. Now come on – you look all in. Let’s get you to me home and get you a nice cuppa or, as they say here, a Rosie Lee.’

‘A what?’

‘Don’t ask – all will become clear. Look, there’s Alice now.’

The greeting between Alice and Mildred held a kindness. Each of them reached out to the other with their words, but Mildred wouldn’t hear of Alice apologizing, saying to her, ‘Naw, lass. None of what happened to me is on your shoulders. There’s a lot of it on mine, and a huge lump on that uncle of yours, but that’s by the by. It’s nice to meet you. And fitting to do so at such a time. Come here and give me a hug.’

For a moment Alice looked surprised and held herself stiffly, but Mildred was having none of it, and it brought a tear to Lil’s eyes to see Alice melt a little and go into Mildred’s open arms. I’m for thinking that lass hasn’t had many cuddles in her time, but the way Mildred has taken to her, she’ll have to get used to them. With this thought she got into the back of the car and left the two others to sort themselves out, and the driver to collect Mildred’s bags.

Alice put Mildred in the front with the driver – a nice gesture, and she said as she did so, ‘You sit with Jenson; it will be easier for you to get in, and you’ll have more room for your legs than you do in the back.’

The astonished expression on Jenson’s face as Mildred commented to him about how posh the car was, and that he looked right and proper as the chauffeur of it, made Lil and Alice giggle. Though it wasn’t long before they were laughing out loud at Mildred’s funny observations on the East End of London, saying how sorry she was for the folk living down here and finishing with, ‘Poor things, it all looks like it’s been hit by a bomb.’ Then she turned to them and asked, ‘What’s up with the pair of you? You’re like a couple of young ’uns going on a charabanc outing!’

‘I don’t know what one of those is, but I do know, Mildred, that you are a tonic and it is really nice to meet you.’

‘Ta, lass. I can say the same of you. Anyroad, I knew I was going to like you, when our Lil said as she did. She’s good taste in folk, though they sometimes let her down. I only wish we’d met in better circumstances, Alice, but we’ve got to make the best of things.’

When they turned into Gillian’s road and Lil told them where they were, their mood became sober. Seeing the little house, with the wreck of its bombed-out neighbour still clinging to it, brought home why they were here. And Lil wished with all her heart that things were different and that, instead of slowly dying, Ruby would greet them at the door with her lovely smile, as she often did when she waited at Gillian’s for her, and would say, ‘You got here all right then? And I bet yer could do with a nice cup of Rosie Lee, eh, darlin’?’

The feeling this evoked in Lil brought her low and, looking at the others, she could see they’d both dreaded this moment. And both looked as if their own problems had come back to crowd in on them.

‘Well, let’s get in and get settled. Gillian will probably be round at Ruby’s. I’m dreading going round there, but I have to.’

‘You just see us in, lass, and show us where we’re to sleep and where the larder is, so we can make a pot of tea. We’ll make ourselves at home – don’t you worry about us. You get off to this Ruby’s house. I reckon her and Gillian need you more than we do at the moment.’

Though Alice didn’t protest, Lil could see that she looked a little unsure of this. It felt natural to pat her hand and give some reassurance. ‘You’ll be fine with Mildred. You have a lot to talk about, and I reckon as it will help you to do so. I’ll try not to be long.’

There was only a weak smile in return, but Lil couldn’t devote herself to Alice’s feelings at the moment. Alice had known why they were coming here, she’d asked to come along, so she must take it as it was.

Showing understanding, Alice said, ‘Yes, we’ll be fine. I don’t know if I’m ready to talk yet, but we can do some settling in and getting to know one another.’

‘That suits me, lass. I’m afraid to talk an’ all. I have it all bottled up at the moment, and I’m not sure I can let the cork free. So let’s take it as it comes. When we get in, you can get the stuff up to the rooms we each have, and I’ll get the kettle boiling.’

‘Jenson will take the bags up. I – I mean, well . . .’

‘I know what you mean, lass. You’re used to folk doing stuff for you, whereas we’re used to doing it ourselves. There’s nothing in that – just a birthright. Let that be as it is.’

As Lil got out of the car she said, ‘It’s not just that, Mildred. Alice is used to mucking in and doing things for herself, and in circumstances that you and I can’t imagine, but both her arms were injured when—’

‘When I stepped out in front of a car. I wasn’t paying attention.’

Lil was mystified at this sudden interruption from Alice. But then she realized, by Alice’s pleading look, that she wanted Lil to leave it at that. This made her curious, as she had imagined that Alice was shot whilst serving in a supporting role in France – driving an ambulance or delivering supplies – but her need for secrecy showed that it could have been much more than that, and she obviously didn’t want to arouse the curiosity or speculation of Jenson and Mildred.

Mildred was saying, ‘Well, not to worry, lass. I’ll take care of you while Lil’s not around. Now, let’s do as Lil says and get inside.’ This made Alice visibly relax, but Lil wasn’t so sure – she knew Mildred. If Mildred thought there was something not quite right with the explanation, she would find out in her own way and in her own time. Not in a malicious way, there wasn’t anything like that in Mildred’s character, but she liked to know the truth of what was going on around her.

As they opened the door Mildred said, ‘Eeh, it’s a nice little house, Lil. Cosy. It feels like a lot of happy times have gone on in this home. Pity that bloody Hitler had to spoil it by causing the death of Gillian’s mam . . .’

With that thought in her mind, Lil left them. All around her as she walked there were signs of Hitler’s spoiling of the lives of folk round here. But then, thought Lil, in a small way Hitler had relieved her of her greatest burden: Alfie . . . God! What am I thinking! It must be all the upset turning me mind. I know I didn’t want Alfie any more, but that’s no reason to be glad he no longer has his life, or to not think of his ma’s suffering at his loss!

Reaching Ruby’s house, she let go of all of these thoughts and dug deep within herself to find the courage she needed to step over the threshold – something she had been dreading.