LONDON & KENT, EARLY OCTOBER 1941
A RELEASE
‘Let’s go to the free-’n’-easy night at the Red Bull, Lil.’
This, from Gillian, surprised Lil. She hadn’t thought Gillian would want to go anywhere tonight, having just come back from Ruby’s funeral. Looking at Mildred and Alice, Lil could see they were also taken aback, and both had a look of bewilderment on them, which was probably down to not being sure what a free-’n’-easy was, as much as anything else.
The funeral had been awful. Lil never wanted to experience the like of it again. It had been impossible to imagine the bright-and-breezy cockney girl that she’d known Ruby to be lying stiff and still and cold in the wooden box.
The spread back at Ruby’s ma-in-law’s house had been a subdued affair, with several people quietly breaking down. But the resilience of Ruby’s lads had been good to see. They’d played and argued in the little back yard and seemed to have accepted it all at face value. And now here they were in Gillian’s mam’s house. Jenson had driven them back, and Gillian had proclaimed that she wanted to go to the local pub for a singsong!
‘Ruby would have been happy for us to go, I reckon, Lil. I can almost hear her saying, “Come on, me skin-’n’-blister, stop being morbid and see me off in a good old cockney fashion.” And that’s what I want to do.’
‘If that’s what lass wants, then I think as we should do it. She knows best how to say goodbye to her sister, and what we had this afternoon weren’t what you could call a wake. Though I’m not sure what a “free-’n’-easy” is.’
Alice nodded, ‘Yes, Mildred, I agree. I didn’t meet Ruby, but from what I’ve gathered, she would have liked a happy send-off and, though I’m not sure what it is either, if I’m invited I would like to go. It will cheer us all up.’
Lil wondered how Alice was ever going to be really cheery again, but she had to hand it to her, she could put a good face on things. And, looking around them, she saw that same strength and fortitude in them all. And although she least felt like it, she agreed. ‘Reet. The Red Bull it is. I’ve allus been one for a good old sing-song or, as they call it down here, a free-’n’-easy. Everyone get ready, and we can get some fish and chips on the way home, as we’ll be in need of a bite by then.’
Smoke hung in the air of the bar, and the music from the honky-tonk piano vied with the tinny voices of the patrons – mostly women, as was usual these days, though a few men were dotted here and there amongst them: those who had jobs that exempted them from joining up, the flat-footers, and the occasional service man waiting for orders to join his regiment.
A woman called out to Gillian, ‘Lor, luv a duck, Gillian, didn’t expect you, love. But glad you came. Come and sit here. There’s room for you and your mates.’
As they wove their way through the occupied stools, the woman started a slow hand-clap. Then the whole room took up the applause. When it died down, the one who had called out said in a loud voice, ‘That applause was well deserved, and I’m glad that you all joined in. These four are very brave women. Gillian came through her own trials to nurse her sister. Her mate, Lil, is a nurse for officers who have been wounded. Her mother-in-law, Mildred, is a mother of one of our lost boys. And Lil’s mate, Alice, is an officer who was wounded in action.’
Lil looked around in astonishment as the clapping started up again. Mildred and Gillian wiped tears from their eyes and smiled a watery thanks, but Alice had a stony, cold expression. This embarrassed Lil a bit, but then Alice was an officer type.
‘How did they know about me?’ she asked. ‘Lil, there’s a reason why they say that careless talk costs lives! I am very angry.’
‘I don’t know, but I can guess. Have you slipped out to Mildred that your wounds were caused by you being shot?’
‘I – I don’t think I did. Oh dear.’
‘Well, she must have deduced it, when she saw your wounds or something, and happen she let it slip when she was gossiping in the street, and then word got round. I’ll talk to her. But I shouldn’t think any harm has been done. They only know you have seen action – that’s all. If you keep up the frostiness, they might start wondering if there’s more that we’re not saying, so just accept it as it is.’
A soldier came over, saluted Alice and introduced himself. ‘Private Fulling, ma’am. I don’t know what you did over there, but I salute you for it. And you, missus – you gave your son. And all of you. If you can show bravery, then I can. I will remember you all when I’m out there.’
‘Aye, you do that, son,’ Mildred told him, ‘and we’ll be thinking of you, won’t we, Alice?’
‘We will, Private. And all of those fighting. Good luck.’
He sounded friendly enough, Lil thought, but she also thought Alice had been a bit short with her answer – the lad had been looking to her for encouragement. She could be like a piece of cold lard at times. Not that she wasn’t kind, but she could just cut herself off from everything. The soldier went to say more, but Lil stopped him, for she could see Alice wasn’t happy with the intrusion. ‘Look, lad, we’re just out for a night together, love. We don’t want to be hailed as heroes, or owt else. We’re no different from the rest of you. Go and enjoy your beer. Ta for the recognition of us, but we don’t want to chat.’
‘Oh, er . . . Sorry, ladies.’
‘Poor bloke, he were only trying to be friendly.’
‘I know, Ma, but none of us want that attention. And you be careful what you tell folk. I know it ain’t easy, as talking’s what we do where we come from, but down here there’s all sorts listening. Like Alice just said, careless talk costs lives.’
‘Well, none of us have owt to hide, have we?’
The music drowned Mildred out, as did the singing that started up: ‘Show Me the Way to Go Home’.
When it ended Gillian said, ‘I’m going to sing a song for Ruby.’
Lil watched her approach the pianist and say something to him. He nodded, before shouting at the crowd, ‘’Ere, listen up. Young Gillian wants to sing a tribute to Ruby, so shut up your boat-races and listen. Give some respect.’
Lil held her breath. She couldn’t think how Gillian would make it through a song, but willed her to do so, when she heard Gillian announce in a voice that shook with emotion, ‘I’m going to sing “My Sister and I”.’ As the familiar notes began, there came a sound that Lil hadn’t heard in a long time: the once happy-go-lucky Gillian singing her heart out:
‘My sister and I remember still
Tulips growing on our windowsill.’
These weren’t the real words. It seemed Gillian had gone to the trouble of changing the lyrics to fit her life with Ruby. This song must mean a lot to her, and Lil prayed harder for her; she’d lost her mother and now her sister: Please let her get through the song at least, please . . . Everyone helped Gillian with the last line of each verse, ‘But we don’t talk about that’. Until, that is, she sang her own version of the last few lines:
‘My sister and I recall the day
We said goodbye and she sailed a – away.’
The tears streamed down her face, the pianist faltered and a silence fell. But then Alice stood up and went towards Gillian and, in one of the most wonderful voices Lil had ever heard, sang a version of the last two lines:
‘But we have friends that are here to stay
And we must all talk about that.’
Cheers rang out as Alice reached Gillian and helped her down from the little stage, bringing her back to her seat. ‘Well done, Gillian. That was a fitting tribute to Ruby. I only wished I had met her.’
For the umpteenth time that evening Lil found herself astonished, as Alice hugged the weeping Gillian to her.
A woman shouted over to Alice, ‘Give us a song, Miss! Go on, give us one of Vera Lynn’s.’ Everyone joined in then, calling for Alice to sing.
Lil thought it was time to go and went to say so, but Alice stood and said, ‘Righto, any preference?’
‘Eeh, I never thought I’d see the day, Lil, that one of them D’Oliviers sang in a pub! I’d have sooner imagined being whacked in the face with a shovel!’
What Mildred said summed up Lil’s own feelings, but before she could say so, Alice’s voice, beautiful and strong, filled every corner and silenced her and everyone else in the room. ‘A Nightingale Sang in Berkeley Square’ lifted the hairs on her arms. And it came to her that this was an Alice she’d never seen before and, she guessed, not many others had, either.
Everyone cheered Alice. Some said she should be on the stage, others told her she’d made their night. Flushed and beaming, but looking tired, she sat down, refusing their requests of ‘More!’
‘Eeh, lass, you’ve a lovely voice.’ Mildred wiped a tear from her eye as she said this. Lil stepped in. She needed to stop any sentimentality before it put them all down in the doldrums. Speaking in her best nurse’s voice she told them, ‘Aye, she has, but it is past her bedtime and, as my patient, I am ordering her home. So come on, all of you. It’s been a good night, but time to go.’
Linking arms, they walked home. Stopping off at the chippie, none of them could resist pinching a chip, before the rest were wrapped in a newspaper bundle and put inside a brown paper bag. Their antics at trying to bite into their steaming-hot chips, dripping with vinegar, had them all giggling on the way back. The noise they made drew more than one protest, as folk opened a window and told them to think of others who were trying to sleep. But although they tried there was a lightness about them, not altogether due to the beer they’d drunk, but to having given Ruby a proper send-off, and at having cemented their friendship. And that included Alice.
After one particularly nasty warning to ‘shut up or be shut up’, they walked in silence until they neared their front door, where Mildred said, ‘I feel a peace in me now, lass. Tonight I thought of me Alfie in a different way. I thought of him out of danger and safe, because he is, you know. He’s safe from them Germans, and safe from the demons that drove him to do things he shouldn’t. They say as how your life flashes in front of your eyes before you die, and that would show him the error of his ways. Aye, and I reckon that if he could have his say, he’d say he were sorry for how he treated me and you. Anyroad, I’ve forgiven him. Do you reckon you can, Lil?’
‘I can, Ma, and have.’
‘And I have too,’ said Gillian.
Lil was surprised at how quickly she’d forgiven Alfie, but to hear Gillian say that she had also forgiven him, for causing her rape and subsequent trial for murder, gave her hope that forgiveness could lead to healing. It would be good to have Gillian at peace inside herself. As it would Alice, but whether that would ever happen she couldn’t say. As Lil watched Alice look up at the stars and mouth the words ‘I love you’, as she did every night to someone only Alice knew, she thought: Maybe it will take Alice’s special person to come home before she can be healed.
‘Well, lass, here we are again.’ The familiar smells of the hospital, carbolic soap and disinfectant hit Lil as she opened the door of Crescent Abbey.
‘Yes, here we are, and I am already feeling the weight of the place. Lil, I think I will ask to be discharged. It’s time to go back to my own home. I am sure I will heal better there. I have a beautiful park at the back of it. The views are soothing, and I love walking amongst the trees. Besides, I have my staff, who are also my friends, to look after me.’
‘Oh . . .’ Disappointment settled in Lil on hearing Alice say this. They’d spent the last few days with Mildred and Gillian, before seeing Mildred off on her journey back up to the north and Gillian back to work. Things seemed to have fallen into place for each of them. Now Alice was saying that she wanted to leave, and Lil didn’t feel ready for that, not yet. Neither did she think Alice was ready. Yes, she’d made strides – huge strides, both physically and emotionally – but there was still a way to go.
‘I feel I have to leave. This place depresses me. Oh, it’s nothing to do with you nurses or any of the staff, but seeing the other patients – they’re all, well, broken. And it doesn’t feel as if they will ever be mended. Besides, I have things I need to do. I want to put an allowance in hand for Mildred, and . . . well, visit my mother and get her affairs straight. I need to be busy, Lil. Really busy.’
‘I understand. I do. But I’m going to miss you.’
‘No, you won’t. You can visit me, and I can visit you and Gillian. And we can go up to the north to see Mildred on one of your leave days.’
‘I can’t! Not that last I can’t. They all hate me up there. They see Alfie’s fall from grace, and Jimmy and Brian’s deaths, as my fault. They think I did wrong sending that letter to Alfie, and that I got my just deserts in the way he got his revenge. Besides, I thought I’d try to get Mildred down here permanently. She ain’t treated right up there, either. They have a holier-than-thou attitude sometimes. Oh, they’re the salt of the earth most of the time, but when it comes to a lass having a young ’un on the wrong side of the blanket, they are judgemental in their attitudes.’
‘Would she come?’
‘Aye, I think so. I sort of hinted at the possibility, and she got me gist and didn’t show any reluctance. She liked it here.’
‘Well, then, I will help with that. Whatever she wants, I will try to provide it. And I will write to my uncle and let him know about Alfie. He should have helped Alfie and Mildred, but he isn’t like me. None of them are. Not even my mother. I must take after my father and my sis— My aunt, I mean.’
For a moment Lil thought Alice had nearly said sister. How strange. As far as I know, she has no siblings – unless her father had a child out of wedlock, as his brother did. Still, if she doesn’t want to share it, I’m not going to probe. With this thought, Lil allowed Alice to change the subject without challenging her.
‘Lil, will you come with me and see my mother? You remember I told you a bit about her? Well, there’s a lot more to her than I’ve told you, and I’m afraid to go on my own.’
‘By, that’s a rare thing – afraid of your own ma. But I dare say as you have your reasons. Aye, of course I will. You just give me a warning as to when, and I’ll fix it up.’
‘Thank you, Lil. Thank you for everything – not just consenting to accompanying me when I visit my mother, but everything. These last couple of weeks have had their sad moments, but for me they have been wonderful. I feel accepted amongst you. You feel more like family than I’ve ever had.’
‘Eeh, lass, that’s good to hear, as I was feeling the same. I’ve no real family. I have me ma-in-law, but that’s all. Though I’ve long since looked on Gillian as a little sister, and . . . well, I did look on Ruby as a sister an’ all. But now I can add you to that, and it feels good to do so. Oh, we’re not in the same league, so we can’t socialize a lot, but that don’t matter. It’s what we feel in our hearts that counts.’
Alice’s arms came around her, and the hug she gave Lil told her that Alice had made huge strides, just in being able to give this little gesture of her feelings for another person. It warmed her heart to think there was every hope that Alice would heal completely.