24

Lil

LONDON, JULY 1942

A WIND OF CHANGE

‘Eeh, Gillian, lass, I never thought the day would come when you left to become a Land Girl, but I guess I’m not surprised. Are you sure that is what you want, though?’

‘It is. I need to get out of London, Lil, and I’m not made of the stuff that is needed to do much else. Of course I will miss the boys, but I don’t feel comfortable going to Ruby’s mother-in-law’s to see them. I’ll keep in touch with them and their dad, though. But since Ruby’s gone, nothing is the same.’

‘It never can be, love. But going to work in the country? That’s a real big change.’

‘I know. I’m going to Worcestershire, wherever that is. Cor, luv a duck, it sounds fancy, don’t it? Worcestershire . . . ha! ’Ere, I have the address. “Home Farm, Penerston.” I know being a Land Girl ain’t as good as what you’re doing, but—’

‘Don’t be a daft ha’p’orth – course it is. We’re all needed. And you know summat: it feels good to be needed. We women have a lot more to give than men have allowed for in the past, but they’re realizing it now all right.’

Gillian’s decision to become a Land Girl brought into focus how much she had changed since Lil first knew her. She’d gone from being the young, carefree girl she’d first known to the scarred eighteen-year-old woman in front of her. But at least she was strong enough to take this big step. And then again, they’d all changed – and not all for the better. Life had dealt everyone more than a few blows of late.

Not wanting to dwell on such things, Lil changed the subject. ‘Where’s Mildred, and what does she think about all of this?’

‘She doesn’t know. I’ve been afraid to tell her, as it is bound to come as a shock. She’s gone to Alice’s house up north of London. Alice sends a car for her.’

‘Aye, I know she does. But I thought as I was coming . . .’

‘I made her go. I don’t know why, but when Alice contacted Mildred, I had a feeling there was something wrong. There was an urgency in her message. She said she needed Mildred to go to hers last night, but Mildred didn’t feel up to it, so we both thought she ought to go this morning. She’ll be back with Alice.’

‘I felt there was something not quite right with Alice, too. She rang the hospital and her voice sounded as if she’d been crying, but she just said she’d be all right.’

‘There’s a lot Alice don’t tell us.’

‘Aye, and we mustn’t ask. By, it’ll be good to see her. I ain’t seen Alice for a while.’ Wanting to change the subject and stop Gillian from speculating about Alice, she said, ‘Well, come on then, lass, put the pot on, I could do with a Ruby.’

Gillian laughed. They’d taken to calling a cup of tea ‘a Ruby’. It had begun when Lil had mixed up her rhyming slang a while back and had asked for a Ruby Lee. At first the mistake had brought silence, but after a moment they’d all laughed and Gillian had said she could almost hear Ruby splitting her sides. From then on it had stuck, and it felt good to say it. It kept Ruby with them.

Sipping the hot sweet tea, Lil said, ‘I have news meself, but I reckon as I’ll wait to see Alice and Mildred before saying anything. So, when are you off on your travels then?’

‘In two days.’

‘As soon as that? Eeh, Gillian, we’ll not see each other after this, then.’

‘Why? You can visit me and I can visit home.’

‘Well, I wasn’t going to say until the others were here, but I’ve joined the Auxiliary Territorial Service and am to be attached to the Queen Alexandra regiment.’

‘Blimey, Lil, you kept that quiet! But the Queen Alexandra’s nurses, they go where the action is. Oh, Lil, you’ll be in the fighting line. No . . .’

‘Aye, I will. But, like you, Gillian, I have to do it, lass. I need a change an’ all. There’s so much that’s happened to us, it’s hard to live with it all.’

‘I know. We never talk of it, Lil, but you don’t look on me as a murderer, do you?’

‘Naw – never have done and never will. You saved me life, lass. But it were summat to go through, weren’t it? The lot of it, and to think my Alfie set it up.’

‘We’ve covered all that, Lil. And we’ve forgiven Alfie, so you can put a sock in that one right now. No apologies. But I agree, it is a lot to carry around. How do you cope with it?’

‘Much the same as you, I reckon. Work hard, try not to give meself time to think, and I shove it to the back of me mind. Though that doesn’t mean that I won’t talk about it with you, whenever you want to. That’s part of our healing: having someone who understands.’

‘It is, Lil, it is. I still have nightmares. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to be with a man. I’m too scared.’

‘Aye, it plagues me in the night too, and though I know being with a man can be a really wonderful experience, when you love your man and he is gentle and loving with you, there is this animal side to men that I saw even before all of this, so I’m of the same mind.’

A change came over Gillian at this. For a moment Lil wondered if she’d said something wrong. Gillian lowered her head and, when she did speak, Lil couldn’t believe what she said. ‘I’ve heard women go together sometimes – I mean . . . well, live together and love one another, much like men and women do.’

‘Naw! They don’t, do they? I knew some men were that way inclined, but women? You’re not thinking of it, are you?’

‘Well . . . Look, we won’t see each other for a long time, Lil, but – well, I love you, and we could live together in that way.’

Lil couldn’t speak for a moment. Part of her was horrified at what Gillian was proposing, but she knew also that it was because it was strange to her. What she felt wasn’t a repulsion, it was just that she’d never considered such a thing, and didn’t think she ever would. She wasn’t sure what to say next. Gillian saved the moment. ‘I – I . . . I don’t mean I want to, nor am I asking you. I just think I don’t want ever to be with a man, and so this is the way I will go, and I wanted you to know that, if it was possible, then it would be you I would choose, and that I love you.’

Recovering, Lil chose her words with care, ‘I’m honoured, lass – it’s just that I haven’t come across such things and it shocked me. But if it ever occurred to me to do the same, it would be you I chose.’ She could feel her face burning, as if she’d sat next to a furnace, and her body felt sticky with the sweat of embarrassment. It was a relief to see the smile on Gillian’s face and to hear her words.

‘Thanks, Lil. It helps that you are not repulsed by me speaking out in that way. And to know you won’t hate me if I do find someone.’

‘I could never hate you, lass. Come here.’ Holding the trembling Gillian to her, Lil said, ‘You’re part of me, Gillian. I know no one can take Ruby’s place, but I like to think on meself as your big sister. At one time I felt like a mother to you, but that changed after what happened. Anyway, since then I have looked upon you as me sister. And I love you an’ all. You’re in me heart and that’s where you’ll stay, no matter what path you choose, love.’ Keeping Gillian close to her she thought, By, I never thought owt like this would happen . . . Nor to know of things such as two women – eeh, I can’t imagine it . . . It beggars belief!

They were still holding one another when a car hooted outside. Letting go, they both ran to the front door. Soon another pair of welcome arms held Lil – those of Alice, who’d beaten Mildred by hopping out of the car much quicker than she could.

Lil could feel the tension in Alice as she hugged her. ‘Are you all right, lass?’ Alice gave a look that said, ‘No, but don’t ask’, so Lil changed the subject. ‘Eeh, lass, you’re looking better.’

‘I am a lot better, thank you, Lil. And even more so now that I am with you all.’ Coming out of the hug, Alice stood aside, leaving Lil to be enveloped in a good old northern welcome from Mildred. ‘Eeh, me lass, I’ve missed thee.’ As Mildred gave Lil a big kiss on her cheek, a tear played around Lil’s eyes, but she brushed it aside. ‘Come on in, the pair of you. I was reet upset to find you weren’t here when I got here. Gillian has a Ruby on the go, so we can catch up on all of our news together over a pot.’

Organizing them helped her to compose herself once more. The mood needed lightening, though. By the look of Alice, she had something important to tell, and Lil knew that with her news and Gillian’s, there would be plenty of tears ahead and a few shocks for Mildred.

Sitting around the kitchen table chatting about this and that, Alice had taken advantage of a lull in the conversation and was the first to put her future plans to them. ‘Well, everyone, I have something to tell you. I’m going to take my service duties up again. I cannot tell you what they are, I know you will understand, but it does mean I am going into training next week and won’t be in contact for a long time.’

‘Eeh, Alice . . . Eeh, lass, is it dangerous?’

‘It could be, Lil. But, you know, last time I went I only had a man – a very dear man – to think about me and to come back to, but now I know I have all of you and a life to come back to; and I know my man is safe. I can’t tell you any more than that, my dears, but I know you know what I mean, and you know too why I cannot say any more.’

‘Aye, we do, don’t we, Mildred?’

‘Thou’s no need to pick me out, Lil, I know when to hold me tongue.’

They laughed at this indignation from Mildred. She did too, before she said, ‘Well, lass, I’m going to miss you. I’ve loved coming to visit you at your lovely home and doing bits and pieces for you in the garden. It’s a good job I’ll still have Gillian with me, and Lil to visit me.’

Lil looked down as Mildred said this. ‘Sorry, Mildred, but you won’t. I’m sorry, love, but I . . . Well, I have joined the ATS, now that I’m fully qualified as a nurse. I’ll be working with the QAs and will be going abroad. I don’t know where yet, but I know it will be in three weeks and I’ll be in training from tomorrow, with no leave. I – I didn’t know about Alice’s and Gillian’s plans when I enlisted.’

‘Surely you’re not going an’ all, Gillian?’

‘I am. Oh, love, I’m going to be a Land Girl in Worcestershire!’

Mildred looked from one to the other, her mouth open, her gaze one of fear mixed with shock. ‘But . . . Eeh, me lasses, I don’t know what to say.’

Taking hold of her, Lil said, ‘By, Ma, I’m sorry. None of us knew the others had plans. I don’t know what to say. And none of us can get out of it now.’

Mildred stiffened her back for a moment and then relaxed. Lil knew she’d recovered slightly, and the gentle pat on her arm confirmed it as Mildred said, ‘It’s all reet, lass. I’m proud of you. All of you. And I’ll support you and be here for you when you come back. Just make sure you do come back. I don’t ever want another of them telegrams . . .’

Her voice caught on a sob as she said this and Lil held her tighter. ‘That’s not going to happen, Ma. Nothing is going to happen to any of us, I promise you.’

‘Aye, it’d be good if you could promise such, but I reckon as Gillian’ll be all reet and the change is just what she needs, but with you two I’ll be worried every day you’re away.’

Alice spoke. ‘Look, Mildred, why don’t you divide your time between here and my house? You get on well with our cook and the daily, and the gardener loves you and is glad of your help. I could have a bedroom kept ready for you, and my driver would pick you up and bring you back. You could leave some of your things at mine, so you don’t have to keep unpacking and packing – what do you think?’

‘I’d love that, Alice, ta. It’ll be good to keep up with me friends at yours, and me friends round here an’ all. Aye, that would suit me to the ground. Ta ever so much.’

‘Besides, when you’re at Alice’s I can ring you and we can have a chat.’

‘We can that, Gillian. That’d be grand to hear from at least one of you. But it’s going to take some getting used to. I come from being on me own to having you to get meals for and take care of, and these two visiting, and me visiting Alice. And now I’m to go back to being on me own again, worrying about you all. But I guess it’s a small part for me to play, compared to what you lasses will be doing. And in your youth an’ all – a time when you should be having a good time and going to dances, not risking your lives.’

‘We could go to a dance tonight. All of us.’ Gillian looked from one to the other of them, her face lit up with excitement. ‘There’s a dance on at the Palais. And there’s a good band playing. I’ve been to dances of theirs before with Ruby.’

Lil chipped in, before any sadness about Ruby’s death threatened the newfound gaiety, ‘That’d be grand. Aye and Ruby’ll be with us, jiving away in spirit. Let’s do it!’

‘I’ll have to go home for an hour first – I can’t go to a dance in this!’

‘Not in that jumper you can’t, Alice, but there’s nothing wrong with your skirt. I have a pretty blouse that would suit you. Cost a packet, it did, and I haven’t been anywhere in it yet.’

‘But won’t you want to wear it, Lil?’

‘Naw. I have a frock I haven’t worn for ages. That one you made for me, Ma. She’s a good seamstress is Ma, learned it in the workhouse and took it up again when she got enough together to get a treadle sewing machine.’

‘Aye, I remember: the one I made out of that cloth I bought in Blackburn market. Blue with little daisies on it. By, lass, you looked a picture in it. The style suits you. Go and fetch it. Try it on and come down in it.’

‘Let’s all have a try-on, eh? Blimey, I ain’t felt this bleeding excited for a long time. Come on, Alice, you want to make sure the blouse fits you.’

Not ten minutes had passed before they all stood in front of Mildred for inspection. Lil looked at the others. Alice’s height added elegance to her calf-length, straight black skirt, a perfect accompaniment to the lemon chiffon blouse with its many collars, giving a hint of cleavage before they frilled down to her waistline. Little puffed sleeves added a pretty finishing touch. Then there was Gillian, in one of Ruby’s loud, red satin frocks. The dress was for an older woman, but Gillian wore it with a charm that made her look as if a little girl had dressed up in her mam’s clothes. The dress had a tight skirt and fitted bodice, with ruching from the waist to under the bustline. She looked grown-up and very pretty. Lil’s blue dress had a flared skirt. The bodice fitted her shape and had a V neckline. The effect was very feminine. Inside, she felt like a woman again for the first time in ages.

‘You all look very nice as you are, but you could do with having something done to your hair. I used to do a bit of hairdressing in me younger days. Go and take off your glad rags and I’ll do what I can for you.’

‘What about you, Mildred? You’re coming aren’t you?’ Gillian asked.

‘Naw, me dancing days are done, lass. Me legs want to be between the sheets at neet, not prancing around.’

At this, Lil looked at Mildred’s legs and was shocked to see how swollen they were and the red blotches on them. ‘Ma! You never said. Have you seen the doctor?’

‘What, and give him a couple of bob that I could buy a nice bit of spam with? Not likely. It’s just old age, lass, don’t be worrying. I’m reet as ninepins.’

‘You may be, but your pins ain’t. Eeh, Ma, why didn’t you say? You’re going to see the doctor tomorrow, whether you like it or not. As it is, it could be treatable – a bit of dropsy, maybe; but you leave it and you’ll be in all sorts of problems. Now sit down and put your legs up on the stool. I’ll do the girls’ hair, and you can put mine up for me when you’ve rested a while.

The bright lights in the ballroom and the jazzy sound of the music lifted them all as they entered the crowded Palais. Gillian giggled and grabbed Lil and swung her around. Caught up in the beat, Lil felt she could dance her heart out. Alice joined in and all three did their own version of the jitterbug, to the tune of ‘Pennsylvania’. A happiness entered Lil and she could see that the others felt it, too. It was as if there was nothing but this joy of abandonment, as they swirled and twisted their bodies, tapping their feet.

‘Hey, we can’t let you three pretty ladies dance on your own.’ Three Yanks stood next to them. Each took the hands of one of the girls and danced off in different directions with them. With the expert guidance of her partner, Lil’s feet left her body and took on a mind of their own. When the music finally stopped, sweat ran down her face, but she didn’t care. Gasping for breath, she laughed, looking up at him. He had the bluest eyes she’d ever seen. He smiled down at her. His face had a square look to it and his cheeks creased as he smiled, showing chiselled cheekbones. ‘Rusty Mandell at your service, ma’am, United States Army, Second Division. I’ve only been over here for a couple of weeks, and was missing home until tonight. You English folk sure know how to make us guys feel unwelcome at times.’

‘Oh? I’m sorry about that. You’re not unwelcome – the opposite in fact, for we have been struggling to cope and at times thought we’d go under, so it’s good that you’re here. We need your help.’

‘Glad to give it, ma’am. And your name is?’

‘Lil – Lillian Moisley, ATS attached to the Queen Alexandra regiment.’

‘You’re a soldier?’

‘Aye, of sorts I am.’ She felt pride as she answered, ‘But I ain’t a fighting one. I’m a healing one, I hope. The QA is an army of nurses and I have joined the voluntary attachment to them.’

‘Oh, I beg your pardon, ma’am . . .’

‘Naw, you’ve not offended me.’

‘You sure sound different from other folk I’ve met in London. Where are you from?’

The conversation flowed easily and, over the course of the evening, Lil’s heart began to warm to this man. He looked big and strong and sounded brave when he talked, but underneath she could feel his loneliness at being so far from home. They had a lot in common, as his father was a doctor and Rusty had had plans to enter medical school, until his conscription landed him here, training to be a pilot at Bexhill. As it happened, this wasn’t far from where she worked. It was a shame she was only there for two more weeks.

Remembering the others, Lil looked across the room. They were happily engaged in conversation with the other two GIs. Even Gillian was laughing and looked comfortable in the men’s company, so Lil’s conscience settled. Tonight felt like their last chance to have fun and – a little voice said to her – their last time together for a long time. ‘Do you mind if we join me mates? Only we’re all going our separate ways after tonight.’

‘Really, where ya’all going?’

‘You know better than to ask, Soldier.’

His face reddened. ‘Sorry, Lil, I can’t get used to all this secrecy. I didn’t mean . . .’

‘I know, but no questions – it puts you under suspicion.’

His hand caught hold of hers as they crossed the room. She didn’t remove it. It felt good to hold a manly hand as a friendly gesture and not as one of comfort.

Alice raised her eyebrows as they reached the little group. Lil laughed – it was all she seemed to want to do tonight. After introductions, and looking at Gillian with the fellow who’d taken to her, Lil could hardly believe the conversation she and Gillian had had earlier. It was strange how she hadn’t heard of this attraction between women that Gillian spoke of, even though she’d been surrounded by women and gossip in the factory. But then they were not so broad-minded in the north, and such things would be well hidden.

Introducing her friend as Jeff Carter and saying that he was a rodeo rider, Gillian looked the happiest Lil had seen her for a long time. Maybe being with a woman was just something she had considered because she was afraid of men.

After the dance was over they walked towards home in silence for a while, but Alice broke it. ‘They were nice. It’s a pity our blokes haven’t given them a better welcome, but the Yanks do seem to have everything we don’t. Sid, the one I danced with, told me about their rations, and their meat allowance per day is more than ours for a week! And they all have pockets of money, when our boys can hardly afford to buy a packet of cigarettes.’

‘Aye, and not only are they not making the Yanks welcome, but they hate us girls mixing with them. But I don’t care. Rusty is one of the nicest blokes I’ve ever met. A gentleman, who has treated me like I’ve never been treated afore.’

‘Oh . . . Oh, Our Lil is falling heavily—’

‘Eeh, don’t be daft, Gillian. I just like him, that’s all. I gave him Mildred’s address, as he wants to hear news of me. There’s nowt wrong in that. He’s lonely.’

Neither Alice nor Gillian commented. Lil felt a hot flush creep up her face. She’d rather have their banter than this knowing silence, but she forgave them when they came to the front door of Gillian’s mam’s house. Gillian said, ‘Well, this is it.’

A silence fell. It held the sadness of parting. Alice reached out and took Lil’s hand. ‘Lil, I won’t be able to contact you, but know that I will be thinking of you. Please keep safe. You mean a lot to me. You’re like a sis – sister. And you, Gillian.’ With this Alice pulled them both to her. ‘Neither of you will ever know what you have done for me. I have a lot to tell, and I will one day, but not now.’

‘Aye, and I feel the same about you lasses. The only good thing about this bloody war is how it brought us together. I hate the thought of not seeing you both for God knows how long.’

‘You know, I am separated from the man I love, but every night we look at the stars at the same time, and I know he is doing it too. That one moment brings us together. We three could do the same. My time is ten at night for him. Well, we could do it at a quarter past ten. Wouldn’t that be wonderful, and we could send an unspoken message to each other.’

The sound of a sob stopped Alice. Gillian leaned her head on Alice’s shoulder, emitting tiny sobs as she tried to suppress her shaking body.

‘Awe, lass, don’t start – you’ll have me blabbering.’ But as she said this, Lil felt tears in her eyes and heard a sob from Alice.

They clung together. War had thrown them into each other’s lives, but Lil knew in her heart they would be bound together forever . . .