The Secret of
Making a Fresh Start
Do you remember the first time you fell in love … or even sensed the possibility? In a heartbeat, you were awash in a flood of new feelings you didn’t even know had been missing from your life! It was like stepping out of a monochrome world into a living rainbow whose “pot of gold” was just the way your partner looked at you, or touched you; where whatever might come “tomorrow” didn’t matter as long as you could meet it together. You thought it would never end.
Then, as time passes, things seem to change; not all at once, of course, but in measured beats. His once adorable, quirky attitude toward money or your family becomes an irritant; her sly smile that used to delight you, knowing she was as clever as a fox, now seems to challenge your opinion on almost everything you have to say!
What’s happened? Where did the love go?
Depending on which of these two parties you ask, their response may differ, but the outcome remains the same: little by little, some of the things that used to thrill us about our partner now send a little shiver down our spine. Patience with our partner’s missteps turns to blaming them for stepping on toes already trod on, swollen, and sore to the slightest touch. And, as we’ve already discovered, the more we blame our partner for this kind of pain, the more they’re moved to want to do the same; so that, under law, all that can change between us is the intensity of our opposition to one another.
We all know this kind of relationship warfare. Our partner tosses a cruel comment at us, or drops a “bombshell” of some false accusation. Feeling compelled to defend ourselves, we pick it up and hurl it back. The argument escalates, and the dark pattern reseeds itself again, fueled by a growing frustration because the only thing that can change in this game of “king of the mountain” is who gets to temporarily stand in the top spot!
Pull Yourself Out of
This Common Relationship Trap
In a discussion with a small group of students, as we worked to better see and understand the futility of gaining an imagined “upper hand” in a war where both parties are victimized by the same misunderstanding, I asked them the following question:
“What difference is the outcome of any conflict with someone we love—‘win’ or ‘lose’—when it changes nothing about these unseen parts of us that live to oppose whoever seems to oppose them?” The answer was fairly unanimous; if both parties feel the other is at fault for the conflict, nothing can change save for the escalating level of blame. Once that much was clear, I added the following comment: “No matter how convinced we are that it’s in our partner’s “best interest” that we point out some critical fault of theirs … of this we can be certain: the only thing any of these actions do to our relationship is make it worse.”
Apparently what I said struck a note with one of the students there, sparking a question in her that, as she framed it, got everyone’s attention. As she spoke about her current struggle with her partner, it was apparent—by how attentive everyone became listening to her story—that she wasn’t the only one struggling to understand the topic at hand.
“I admit it would be foolish to question what you’ve described here. It’s pretty much the pattern of what happens whenever I get into a fight with my long-time boyfriend.” She paused for a moment, looked off in the distance as if seeing something there that called out for her attention. A moment later, she went on to describe what she had just seen:
“In truth, it seems strange now that I’ve never thought to discuss this with him, but it’s a fair bet that neither of us feels good after an argument, regardless of which of us gets our way! And while I can’t speak for him, I’m sure if he could choose a better path than blaming me for the pain he feels, that he would … as would I. But neither one of us can see the mess we’re about to make of our relationship until it’s too late.” Again she paused, obviously concerned with what her own deliberations had helped her to formulate in the question that followed:
“What I guess I’m asking is … what, if anything, can we do … to break this pattern that I see now is starting to break us apart?”
The rest of this chapter section outlines, in detail, the answer to her question. It also provides helpful insights into how we can use any unwanted moment in our relationship to transform everything about it … including ourself, and our partner.
Imagine for a moment that you’ve gone for a walk through a countryside that was once dotted with homesteads. Here and there you can see the remnants of old foundations set in stones taken from the fields. With your attention captured by your imagination as it ponders what were simpler times and places, you trip over a small boulder you didn’t see in your path.
The next thing you know, you’re not only falling forward, but headlong you go into the mouth of a shrub-
covered, hand-dug well. A moment later, after your head has popped up above the ice-cold water and you realize you’re unharmed, panic sets in; you spin around in the water looking for a way out. But, regardless of the direction you turn, all you can see and touch are the slippery, moss-laden stone walls that surround you.
And then—as if an angel had whispered in your ear—you suddenly see the solution to your situation. You’d been looking in every direction but the right one; you’d forgotten to remember to look up. What a relief! Suspended there, just a foot above your head, is an old wooden bucket attached to a rope stretching down from above. You reach up, grab hold, and—none the worse for wear, save for being a little cold and embarrassed—you pull yourself out of the dark and into the sunlight.
The first part of the above analogy speaks pretty well to what happens to us when we “fall” into a fight with our partner. Maybe it’s a knee-jerk reaction to being blamed for something; perhaps it’s a negative reaction born of seeing something in our partner we feel can’t go unopposed. The truth is … there’s no “right” side in any fight as long as we’re walled in by some old negative reaction. On the other hand, just above us—and easily within our reach in this same dark moment—is the new self-understanding we need to climb up and out of that fight.
In the heat of any pitched moment—surrounding and walling us in—is a strong, very familiar feeling that the only way to survive this conflict is to prevail over it; and so we act accordingly. But, under law—a celestial principle that governs all worlds—is the following truth: for every action we take, always comes an equal and opposite reaction.
Let’s look at this principle in real time as it impacts a relationship between “Paul” and “Mary”—two people who love one another:
Paul feels Mary give him a “push” of some kind, i.e., blames, criticizes, or judges him in some way. Without thinking, Paul pushes back with what he feels he must to defend himself, given the undeserved attack. Mary instantly feels the pressure of his negative reaction that, in turn, gives her all the reasons she needs to feel validated for her original attack on his character. She doubles down, and round and down goes the relationship.
This is why the proverbial “push comes to shove” never goes anywhere: our unawareness of these opposing forces is the same as being a prisoner of the pattern they make in their struggle against one another. Which brings us to a great mystery: if no part of a painful pattern can ever change the pattern that it’s a part of … then how can that pattern ever change? The following insight helps show us the way out:
Hoping to make a real change in some painful pattern with a loved one, without being willing to risk what may happen to you by deliberately stepping outside of that pattern, is like walking around in a circle and wondering why you’re not getting anywhere.
It’s worth noting here that the brilliant physicist Albert Einstein reached the same conclusion as above, only using different words: “No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.”
Catch This Spark That Ignites
the Fight Before It Becomes a Flame
Before we can learn how to step outside the pattern set into motion by some habitual negative reaction toward our partner, we need a better understanding of the underlying forces that create it. In other words, we must find a way to look at these same moments through a “new set of eyes.” We’ll dig a little deeper into this unusual idea in chapter 8, but the following insights will give us a good start.
Obviously, we can’t change our “eyes” themselves; but what we can do is “see” that our experience of any given moment is very much connected to what we think we understand—or don’t—about it. Here’s a simple illustration to help enlarge and clarify this last important idea.
A child who doesn’t understand the nature of a dark shadow that suddenly appears on her wall in the dead of night is instantly frightened by what she sees. In much the same way, when we see some “scary” characteristic appear in our partner, a quality whose nature we don’t understand—but think we do—we react in a childish manner, and try to “make it go away!”
This insight helps explain why painful patterns in our relationships repeat themselves in the way they seem to do: each time an incident sparks a negative reaction in us, we’ve basically no choice but to “look” at it through the same level of misunderstanding that initiated the conflict in the first place.
You’ve heard the expression, “like throwing gasoline on a fire to put it out.” Well, that’s exactly what resisting our partner does each time he or she displeases us in some way. It doesn’t put out the sparks that are flashing between the two of you. Instead it fans them until they burst into a flame that burns everyone involved.
If our real wish is to leave the blame game behind us, to walk away from that dreaded feeling like we constantly need to defend ourselves from the same, then the work ahead of us is clear: before we can leave these painful patterns behind us once and for all, we have to outgrow our present level of understanding that’s secretly responsible for them.
Let’s be clear: no one is saying it’s easy to walk away from the painful patterns that run through our relationships, and that cause them to gradually unravel. However, given our recent discoveries, the following should be equally clear: until we understand the nature of these painful patterns—including the part of our lower nature responsible for their reappearance—we will remain shackled to them.
I understand that insights like this don’t go down easy, but then again, neither does the medicine we sometimes have to swallow in order to heal. In fact, and much to the point, I remember a particular conversation I had with a middle-aged woman who—after hearing me say at a seminar that all painful patterns require two players—wanted to argue the point.
“Hold on just a moment, if you please. I like the idea of being able to drop an argument before a spark turns into a flame, but let’s get real. It may be different for other couples, but there’s so much old baggage between my partner and me, our fights are pre-packed! How can we possibly hope to overcome the past … given some of the harsh things we’ve said and done to one another?”
“That’s just the point; the task before us isn’t to ‘overcome’ whatever may have happened in the past. We can’t change what has passed between us and our partner any more than lamenting over sour milk can make it taste sweet again.”
“What am I missing here? If we don’t overcome these differences between us, what’s left? For instance, one of the ways we move past fighting with each other whenever some old conflict reappears is by agreeing to live with a kind of uneasy peace between us until things blow over; we reach an unstated compromise that seems to cool things off enough for us to move on.”
“I know it’s said that ‘time heals all wounds,’ but our experience with our partner proves that to be mostly untrue; what we call ‘compromising’ with our partner—for the most part—is an unconscious agreement to live with one kind of trouble in order to avoid a bigger one. But burying differences doesn’t free us from their weight, and this level of solution soon festers, becoming a breeding ground of resentment carried forward.
“To this fault-ridden recipe, add the idea that struggling to overcome something that nags us about our partner amounts to trying to lift ourselves by our own bootstraps; it just can’t be done. Here’s why: how can we bring an end to what troubles us about a loved one when the real problem between us is our impossible-to-please expectations of them? Not to mention—more often than not—we don’t even know what these demands are until something in their actions or character proves to disappoint us!”
“Then how am I to react when my husband sets me off? You can’t be suggesting that I stand there and let him get away with it?”
“If we can start to see that we’re at least 50 percent responsible for whatever we feel opposed to in our partner, then we should also be able to see why our negative reaction to him or her can never bring about any real solution. How can it … when these mechanical reactions are the unseen driving force behind whatever may be that painful pattern we hope to change? Wanting to change the outcome of disagreeable moments with a loved one, without changing what gets them started, is like trying to change your cold, wet clothes while standing outside in a thunderstorm.”
As long we are in a relationship with someone, there must be differences between us; and these disparities are mandatory to our development. We’ve shown that were it not for the presence of these opposing forces, and what they reveal to us about ourselves, there would be no way for us to grow, to become more kind, compassionate, and loving partners. Here’s the point:
It’s the differences between you and your partner that help perfect both of you—not only as lovers and friends, but also as individuals. To acknowledge the truth of this insight and, at the same time, admit we are not yet able to act in accordance with it, places us right where we need to be in order to receive the higher self-knowledge that follows:
Before we can hope to shatter the pattern of familiar conflicts with our partner, we need a new level of understanding to take with us into those same moments. This includes being willing to see that relying on our present level of understanding to solve our disputes is like asking the “fox to guard the henhouse.”
After all, what are most arguments about between partners? You displease me, and then I let you know that I don’t like it. Next moment, you’re displeased with me for being disappointed with you. Now each of us tries to get the other to see where they’re wrong, thereby proving that our understanding of the situation is the superior one! But let’s be clear: there’s nothing superior in this kind of suffering when all it guarantees is that we’ll get to do it over again. Which begs the question: Why are we, as yet, unable to see the futility of fights like these? What has us so blinded that we can’t see we’re about to purchase another round trip ticket to nowhere? The following answer may be surprising, but the more we’re able to understand it, the freer we will be from the unseen parts of ourself that are luring us into these unwanted patterns:
It is impossible to find ourselves in a drawn-out disagreement with a loved one without having first listened to our own negative reaction tell us why it has to be that way.
Of course, as we all know too well, this reaction, including its supporting cast and crew, takes center stage before we even know the show has started! But, with just the light of a little higher self-knowledge, we can peek behind the curtain of these unexpected moments and see how the stage gets set for our fall.
All relationship-wrecking reactions appear in the same moment as our partner’s disapproving face or offhand comment. That certain look or tone of voice is all it takes. Each and all of these negative reactions “arrive” on the scene script in hand, reading off the entire history of why things are the way they are, and what’s wrong with the person in question. Everything is wordlessly explained. It’s all just there, including a set of suggested actions to take to make sure the situation doesn’t get out of hand.
In other words, our negative reactions come preloaded with the reason for their appearance. But they are not to blame for how readily we accept what they tell us is real. Here’s the real problem: we’ve yet to see how identifying with their misperception of the moment—that always includes who’s to blame, and a plan to put things right—is like jumping onto a merry-go-round, hoping that if we ride on it long enough, we’ll stop going around and around. Stepping out of this cycle requires we rise above the level of consciousness responsible for its continuation.
Learn This Lesson and Take the Limits
Off Your Ability to Love
Now let’s get started gathering the facts we need to release ourselves from any kind of painful relationship pattern before we have to go through it again.
Never mind whatever may be telling you that such a power doesn’t exist. It does, and of this you may be assured: love is not limited to our present view of what it can … or can’t do!
As contradictory as it may seem, our almost inescapable sense of being unable to rise above problem patterns with our partner resides in the last place any of us would ever think to look for it: a false belief that we already understand the true nature of love. A few simple examples will help prove this last point.
If our understanding of love includes the belief that loving someone means agreeing to live with a mounting resentment toward him or her, then what else can happen as a result of that idea other than always coming to another tipping point? A fight ensues, and the pattern starts over.
But real love, meaning a love that belongs to a higher level of being, keeps no record of wrongs.
This higher order of love is able to see and understand what we have yet to realize: our partner doesn’t want to be mean or cruel, any more than we do. But all he or she knows to do with the onset of some pain is to lash out at whatever or whoever they understand as being at cause for their suffering. One partner feels angry, the other feels blamed; both are in pain, with neither one knowing the real cause of their unwanted situation.
If it’s our present understanding of love that anytime our partner fails to please us, it means that he or she doesn’t love us—at least, not as we imagine they should—then what happens to our love? It turns cold in less than a heartbeat! But higher love cannot be turned upside down and turn into its opposite, any more than a ray of light can be made into a shadow. Even when someone seems to be deliberately doing all he can to provoke a negative response, real love never punishes. Love never fails … to love.
With these last few thoughts in mind there should be little doubt that the limit of our present understanding about the true nature of love is not the same as the limit of its possibility; and if we even suspect this is true then it should lead us to ask ourselves the following question: how do we rise above this unseen limitation in our relationships, and where do we get started?
The good news is there’s nothing we have “to do” in order to deepen the love we share with our partner; we only need to see that this higher order of love has always been within us, “hidden in plain sight.” As we’re about to see, and prove to ourselves, this last idea isn’t nearly as mysterious as it sounds at first. Please welcome the following “eye-opening” explanation.
It’s my hope that somewhere along the line in your past studies of spiritual ideas you ran across this old adage: “As above, so below.” If not, no worries; this timeless teaching comes to us through a fragment of writing found on the Emerald Tablet of Hermes Trismegistus. Ancient myth has it that this secret celestial principle was whispered to Hermes Trismegistus, that—in turn—he might help humanity awaken to see, and realize, the existence of a living relationship between the imperceptible laws of heaven and their physical expression on earth.
In other words, all that we’re given to see—and that we go through with our partner—is actually a physical manifestation of the invisible principles that give rise to that experience.
To date—and much to the point of this book—ours has been pretty much a one-sided affair with those we love because our relationship with them is governed by unseen forces that determine how we interact with them. But our growing awareness of these unconscious reactions, including the thoughts and feelings that serve to support their appearance, changes everything. Before, we were more like pawns in the hands of these celestial powers that we could neither see, nor understand. Now we’re going to learn how to be their partner … with a majority interest!
Let’s look into a common experience to catch a glimpse of where and how these unseen celestial principles express themselves in the middle of usual social affairs. We’ll derive the most benefit from the following illustration by remaining mindful of this next special key lesson:
Awareness of any negative reaction that comes up within us, or in our partner, is more than just a window into our unconscious nature whose untamed forces give rise to it. The light of this higher awareness also reveals an entirely new kind of understanding, instantly empowering us to act decisively to rebalance—and to restore harmony—to any of our relationships into which it is brought to bear.
Revealed: The Invisible Law
Behind All Loving Relationships
Imagine that you and your partner have gone out for the evening with another couple, or perhaps with a small group of close friends. Maybe you’re at an intimate bar, a dance place, or just out somewhere to dine.
The atmosphere and conversation are light; people are smiling, perhaps warmed by a glass of wine, or two. A few hours pass, the time grows late, and the waiter—maybe hoping to start clearing the table—comes over with the check. He’s not sure who to hand it to, and so he stands there, feeling somewhat awkward.
For a moment, no one really wants to acknowledge that he’s there. Most of the party looks in every direction but his, knowing that accidental eye contact might be interpreted by him as accepting responsibility for the bill. We’ve all been “there” in these moments … and unless our bank account is so flush that we don’t care about the extra cost, and want to pay for the party, it’s a slightly uncomfortable experience.
Maybe it’s not every time, and maybe we’re the kind of person who, wanting to disarm the discomfort, steps up to handle the situation; nevertheless, most of us have felt the tension that comes over the table when payment for the evening comes due.
Finally, someone at the table reaches over, saying, “Let me have it.” At that point, he either announces, “This one is on me,” receiving the chorus of “thanks” that follows; or he assumes the informal role of “party accountant,” figuring out what each person must contribute to make good the amount owed.
This illustration seems simple enough on the surface; we’ve all been in that situation a hundred times. But just beneath this common experience—of an evening out with friends and being required to pay our fair share for that experience—is hidden a timeless law that exists for the sake of perfecting love. The extent of its influence reaches into and touches all of our relationships, but especially when it comes to the higher kind of love we want to share with our partner.
It’s going to take some dedicated self-study to uncover and refine the riches of this celestial principle, but of this much, you may be assured: the more aware we become of this indwelling principle, including its ceaseless work to help balance and restore love in all of our relationships, the more empowered—freer—we will be to exchange patience for unkindness, understanding for blame, acceptance for rejection … even when our partner is unable to do the same.
Now, with this promise in mind, and to help us see the presence of this “celestial” principle hidden in the “common,” let’s return for a moment to our illustration of a night out with our friends.
Most would agree that when we go out to a restaurant for a nice meal, we never expect to dine or have drinks without having to pay for the services received. I understand, this seems so obvious as to not need to be stated. However, let’s look a little deeper into this same exchange from another, higher point of view.
Whenever we take a seat in a restaurant or a bar, both of us—meaning the establishment, and ourselves—have already agreed to a certain unspoken relationship: they will provide us with food and service in exchange for a mutually agreed upon sum of money that we pay at evening’s close.
This “balance due”—our “tab” not yet paid—represents a kind of momentary inequality between the establishment and us; it gave, we accepted. Services were rendered; paying our bill at the end of the evening balances our account; it reconciles any disparity between us, so that no one is indebted to the other in any way.
Now, if we take this illustration and superimpose its elements over our existing relationship with our partner, we’ll see that there are many parallels between them.
For instance, just as there’s that unspoken agreement between us and the restaurant—namely that they will do all that’s in their power to see to our contentment—so do we have a similar kind of unspoken agreement with our partner. Only in this instance, not only do we expect “prompt service” and that our partner should always be “tableside,” waiting to satisfy our needs—but, in our eyes, when they fail to do so, it breaks our agreement!
We all know, too well, that sense of being disappointed with the way our partner is performing–what it feels like to have our wishes or wants summarily dismissed, as if we amount to nothing in their eyes. And to the point of this parallel, in these moments we’re struck with a strong sense of inequality between us, because our partner has failed to give us what we imagine is owed to us. And, just in case I need to repeat one of our earlier lessons, they feel exactly the same way about us. So both of us are thinking, if not speaking it aloud: “Look at all I do for you … and this is how you treat me?”
Isn’t this a pretty fair description of what’s going on behind the scenes of most of the fights we have with our partner? Sure, there are always extenuating circumstances: some old “stew” left unresolved, like a small event from the past that started as a molehill and grew into a mountain; or maybe an unintended act of inconsideration that stirs up memories of similar treatment, turning old embers into a flame. No matter how you slice these moments of suffering, one thing remains at their center, and it always comes down to this all-important point:
What difference does it make who starts a fight if both of us leave it feeling injured, still stinging from the blow of some perceived injustice delivered by our partner?
In truth, even if we “win” the argument, we never really escape the residue of negativity created by that encounter where, buried in the remnant of our momentarily resolved differences, a pain lives on that can only be blamed on the one felt to be responsible for it: our partner. So that even though the moment of contention has passed, a sense of imbalance lingers on. Each of us is still sure that the other remains in debt. They “owe” us something that can’t quite be named but that experience has proven, time and time again, can never really be “paid off” as imagined.
Here’s the point: the continuing pattern of “fight and make up” isn’t going to change by itself … because the heartache and pain in our relationships is downstream from the unconscious parts of us that continue to create it. This means that no “payment”—no final apology we extract from our partner—has the power to “finally” resolve the differences we perceive as being between us. Here’s why:
No matter how many times our partner agrees to appease us with an apology, regardless of the form it takes, it is powerless to change the unconscious parts of us that resurface, or remain to find fault with them.
This last insight deserves our attention. It means that our “go-to” conclusion about what divides us can no longer be pinned on just our partner. It means the unseen root in our conflict is a set of unconscious, ever-changing demands that our partner be and do as we want them to be … in that moment!
As just one example, haven’t you ever noticed how one day, you might feel some twinge of resentment toward your partner for not giving you the attention or affection you’re sure you need, and the next day be irritated with them for not giving you enough space! Small wonder we drive each other crazy!
Seeing the truth of this kind of pattern is the first step in being able to change it. We’ve reached the point now where we are ready to begin the practice of “relationship magic” because we realize that when it comes to being partners with the one we love … each of us is responsible for whatever may be happening to both of us.
In the short, true story that is coming up at the start of chapter 6, we will witness, firsthand, how this precious higher self-knowledge can empower us to turn any painful argument into an act of unconditional love.
Helpful Questions and Answers
Question: My partner and I have always had a pretty strong relationship. But, of late, and there’s no explanation for it—at least not one that I can see—it takes fewer and fewer things that she does, or doesn’t do, to bother me … more and more! I’m mature enough to know that I must have some hand in this growing sense of disappointment, but I just don’t know where it is that I’m complicit. Can you help?
Answer: The following may take a little extra thought on your part, but I promise you that if you will consider the truth that it reveals—to you, about yourself—it will help release you from this growing resentment that you feel toward your partner. The only thing that troubles us about our partner…is what we want from them. In this one insight is also hidden the secret of how we can begin to drop the blame game, and to start taking full responsibility for ourselves.
Question: My boyfriend is so quick to go on the defensive that, I swear, all I have to do is even hint that there’s something that I want to talk to him about and he lashes out at me … before I’ve even said a word. And sometimes he’ll go on the attack in the middle of a simple conversation, when I haven’t touched on anything like the topic he then accuses me of bringing up. I’m at a loss for how to understand this condition, let alone how to deal with it properly.
Answer: The following insight should help you see the real reason for his seemingly inexplicable behavior toward you. Being able to understand the unconscious forces behind this aggressive behavior is the same as developing the patience and compassion you’ll need to stop resisting it, and that’s the first step in breaking its pattern.
Most people “pounce” on others without provocation not because they want to cause pain, but because they’re afraid of being hurt. Your boyfriend isn’t actually trying to attack you, but rather he’s temporarily under the negative influence of a fearful part of himself that feels it must defend itself from some forthcoming imagined pain. In the eyes of this unconscious level of self, the best way to protect itself is to be the first to attack. The more you learn to see his troubled action toward you as being the misplaced fear that it is, the easier it becomes not to resist it by returning some unkindness for the same. The less you resist, the greater his chance to see that you’re not the enemy he’s imagined you to be.
key lessons
1. Whoever would set blame upon another for feeling misunderstood, or who becomes bitter toward those thought to have let him down, has failed to realize the following self-liberating truth: the first root of sorrow in this life is not for what others have or have not done to us. Our suffering over the “shortcomings” of others is nothing less than the stuff of what we have yet to understand about ourselves.
2. Within us dwells an unconscious level of self that—for the most part—doesn’t like anything that it sees. This helps explain why it spends as much time as it does remembering the things it doesn’t like in our partner. If we want our relationship to grow beyond the limitation inherent in the view of our unconscious nature, then our task is clear: we must choose to illuminate this negative nature, and part ways with it.
3. The less we try to “teach” others about their shortcomings, the more insights we’ll gain into our own.