Stuff posh expats in Singapore like

Black-and-white houses

A bit of England in the tropics, Singapore’s colonial houses are not easy to get. Which is why posh expats need to have them. These houses are the most elegant relics of Singapore’s colonial past. Commissioned by wealthy expat families seeking comfort in the tropics and built with locally sourced materials, the design relies on Malay architecture, using brick pillars to elevate the house from the ground, allowing cool air to circulate and giving protection against floods. Back then, verandahs and rattan blinds were the only relief from the tropical heat (this was before air con).

Organizing fundraiser galas

Posh expats are either organizing fundraiser galas or attending them. Either way they are spending money, drinking champagne, and dressing up in Shantung silk. And no, that’s not me being bitter because I wasn’t invited.

Building houses in Cambodia

Nothing will make you feel guiltier about the weekend you just booked at a resort than hearing your friend is building houses in Cambodia. Yes, building. As in bricks and mortar. You couldn’t just mail a check like the rest of us? Not to mention, some of those villagers can get pretty fussy, requesting wraparound teak decks and Toto toilets… but seriously, how shallow am I to even joke about this? Very. Damn those posh expats.

Bringing their kids to Lapland to see Santa

You may have heard of Lapland. It’s where Santa and his elves live and make toys in their workshop. It’s where the reindeer prance around waiting for their yearly journey to visit children around the world on Christmas Eve. It’s just a short flight away… from Helsinki! As in Helsinki, Finland, a 19-hour journey from Singapore. Super convenient to get to. There are additional car rides through winding roads which need to be factored in, but I didn’t do much research… the price tag was incredibly off-putting. “Kids, the only Santa you’ll be seeing is the one at Tanglin Mall.” No denying it is a once-in-a-lifetime experience (as in you’ll be spending your lifetime savings just the once).

Renting private islands

No need to be Richard Branson or Mick Jagger, if you’re a posh expat in Singapore, you too can feel the unique exhilaration that comes from owning your own private island. Just look in the Yellow Pages.

Renovating rustic farmhouses in Tuscany

Who wouldn’t want to renovate a house? Contractors and builders are so delightful… especially when they are miles away and speak a foreign language. Fun times ahead. Don’t be surprised when they present you with an estimate which is so outlandish they smile sheepishly as they hand it to you. But you always dreamed of having a retirement house in the beautiful Florentine hills. And the baguettes… what’s that you say? They sell baguettes at Cold Storage now?

Installing cable TV in the maid’s room

Posh expats constantly try to outdo each other when it comes to how they treat the help. Travelling first class? Check. Michael Bublé concert? Check. Cable TV? Of course, how else are they going to see singing competition shows? Heartfelt generosity or merely the wish to win Best Employer of the Month (now there’s an idea, MOM)? Who cares? Possibly the newly hired Indonesian helper requesting an iPad mini: “It will help me with the dusting, ma’am.”

Travelling to Myanmar

A remote and challenging location where the local word for tourist is now posh expat. Not really, but with the recent surge in luxury hotels, that’s a distinct possibility.

Swimming with dolphins in Dubai

So what if it involves a plane ride? Just think of the photo opportunities that real live dolphins and camels in the desert can provide. Newsflash: The Singaporean aquarium just got dolphins of its own. I have a feeling flights to Dubai will decline. Although: having visited this Arabic gem in the middle of the desert, I have to say it’s a pretty interesting place. Here are just a few of the things I learned:

a. Petrol is cheaper than water. Literally.

b. Water is very expensive.

c. Dubai is not the capital of the UAE. Abu Dhabi is.

d. The specialty in Dubai is bread. For those coming from Asia, the absence of rice may come as a refreshing surprise… or shock.

e. Chinatown is a mall.

f. Bus stops along the streets have air conditioning.

g. There are pink taxis driven by women that only pick up women (especially good if you’re having a bad hair day). Women can also take the taxis driven by men, hence it’s the men who actually have less choice.

h. High-speed sand driving on desert dunes… not for everybody.

i. There is a souk (Arab marketplace) that is actually an exact replica of what you think a souk would be like. It’s not ironic.

In Dubai, there is the biggest mall in the world, the highest building in the world, the largest aquarium in the world… the list goes on. It’s almost as though the urban planners get together once a week, hopped up on coffee, check out the Guinness Book of Records, and say: “You know what would be cool? The biggest… (fill in the blank).” It’s an architect’s dream location. So, if you are an aspiring architect who loves olives, hummus, camel rides, and swimming with dolphins… this is the place for you.

Small tip: Fly Emirates, the tiny cans with Coke written in Arabic make great souvenirs for the kids.