Random things I learned living in Singapore

A plus size here is a petite size elsewhere.

Curious fact until you realize you’re the plus size they are referring to. And you can forget about finding large-size lingerie. And when I say large size I’m really referring to anything bigger than what a 12-year-old boy would wear. And expats shouldn’t be surprised by the extremely candid attitude of the sales people as they instruct you on where to go: “Plus size is downstairs.” Secretly thinking: move it, fatty.

Honesty is so overrated.

It is perfectly acceptable in Singapore for university students to enter the classroom and announce: “Sorry I was absent, Prof, but I had diarrhoea.” I repeat, university students, not kindergarten students. I understand it’s the tropics and that this is potentially a life-threatening condition and not just the consequence of dodgy food, but still… thanks for sharing. Or for a hairdresser to casually comment: “I see you’ve put on weight.” Or, if you haven’t been to the salon for a while: “Long time not beautiful already.” Thanks, lady, but if I wanted honesty I’d just ask my son.

It may not be ‘Out of Africa’, but my daughter is definitely having a tropical childhood.

I was surprised last night when Eliot off handedly mentioned she had been told to not drink from the water fountain outside the girls’ bathroom at her school because there might be a tiny cobra in there. “We have to use the boys’ one… just in case.” Huh?! This from the girl who is afraid of ants. I’m thinking she’s not clear on what a cobra is. I’m also thinking I don’t want to be the one who tells her.

It seems fitting somehow that I am reading a memoir about an African childhood. Maybe Eliot will one day write her memoir about growing up on the tropical island of Singapore. And of her fear of crocodiles (she can’t even write the word for a spelling test without shuddering). I feel kind of guilty about that. When she was five, her favourite bedtime story was ‘The Enormous Crocodile’ by Roald Dahl. It’s a children’s story but the illustrations of a crocodile disguising himself as a park bench or a see-saw for unsuspecting children are amusing in a disturbing way. That reading choice made over two years ago may be the reason she still occasionally comes into my bed at 2 am, reasoning: “I know crocodiles are in swamps but they could still crawl to our house because they do like children. And we have a lift.”

Singapore sounds more exotic than it is.

I say this especially from an expat point of view. If you’re looking for something more hardcore, head on over to Szechuan province in China. That’s not to say there aren’t strong Chinese traditions. Stay away from the number 4, which symbolizes death, lay out plenty of food on the sidewalk during the Hungry Ghost Festival, and set out peeled mandarin oranges during the lion dance at Chinese New Year. The list goes on and on. If you spend all your time at malls, you’ll miss this cultural aspect of the city. On the plus side, you’re less likely to slip on an orange peel.

Architecture is in a constant state of flux.

If you don’t like the external design of a recently built condo or mall, no worries. Chances are it will be knocked down and completely rebuilt within a year. Six months if you live on Newton Road. Biggest pro: construction industry is thriving. Biggest con: you’ll wish you were deaf.