I lay in my cot with my arm tucked under my head. Since the surface of the moon where our station was located constantly faced the Earth, I could always see it outside my window whenever the sun was in the right place.
I’d been staring at the planet every single day for three months. It never looked as beautiful as it did hundreds of thousands of miles away. I could see the world turn and watch the clouds shift as the atmosphere protected it from the harsh radiation from the sun. Earth was so vulnerable but so resilient at the same time. When I was on a barren surface full of rocks and sand that lacked an atmosphere, I came to appreciate our home even more. It was one of a kind, the perfect condition for complex life.
I missed it.
Evelyn walked up to my cot, dressed in cargo pants and a t-shirt. “Can’t sleep?”
I turned back to her, my ankles crossed at the edge of the cot. “Just anxious.”
She sat on her cot across from me, her hair in a braid over one shoulder. “I thought Commander Neil Crimson would never want to return to Earth.”
I loved being deep in space, and the only thing I missed about Earth was gravity. But now I missed summer in the South, missed getting a Slurpee at the local gas station, looking out my back window and seeing a black Lab enjoying the shady spot in the grass. I missed the soft strands of hair that lay across my chest while I slept. There was a small pain in my heart, a discomfort I couldn’t describe. “I guess I’m a little homesick. What about you?”
She shrugged. “A bit. I miss my friends and family, but I know when I return to Earth, it’ll be years before I can get back up here. So, I’m trying to cherish every moment I can. I’m not the best test pilot in the air force, not the astronaut who’s been in space the longest. You’ll launch at least a dozen more times in your career. For me…this could be the last time. Not as much need for an astrophysicist up here.”
I could say empty words to make her feel better, but that felt like too much work. Pilots launched into space more often because they could dock with the ISS, and they could land the space shuttle on the landing strip in Houston. Scientists had to rely on open seats in order to get to the Lunar Labs or the ISS because they didn’t have the skills to fly. I was also an engineer, which enabled me to handle the computer systems if something went wrong. “Maybe this is the last time. But maybe it’s not.”
“It’s always been my dream since I was a young girl. And it’s everything I imagined it would be…”
“Then don’t be sad that it’s over. Be happy that it happened.”
She leaned against the wall and pulled her knees to her chest. “What’s your favorite part about it?”
I turned my head back to the window and looked at Earth. “This.”
“It is incredible, isn’t it?” Her voice lowered, and then silence overtook us both.
Together, we stared at Earth…the only place in the galaxy that everyone who’s ever lived has called home.
I closed the hatch and began my walk on the surface of the moon. I could hear my own breathing inside the space helmet, and the light on my suit illuminated the terrain underneath my boots. Houston was in my ear.
“All readings clear,” the director spoke over the intercom.
Gravity was one-sixth what it was on Earth, so I practically bounced as I walked across the surface. Without the force pulling me to the surface of the planet, it would be assumed that I could get where I needed to go faster, but that wasn’t the case. It took me longer because I moved vertically rather than horizontally most of the time. The Aitken Basin was just over the ridge, the largest and oldest crater on the moon. Sixteen hundred miles across and nearly four miles deep, it was beautiful and eerie at the same time. I stopped at the edge and looked down, seeing an infinite shadow stretch all the way to the bottom.
Even with Houston in my ear, spacewalks on the moon were profoundly lonely. Surrounded by darkness and the unknown of space, it was so quiet. If my helmet wasn’t on, I couldn’t even hear my own breathing. Without air or an atmosphere, I couldn’t make a sound at all. I couldn’t scream for help.
It was the most humbling experience.
People were surprised by my lack of arrogance on Earth. I was a famous man with a famous face. People described me as brilliant. Others considered me courageous. And many others considered me the most desirable bachelor on the planet. But once your feet had left the surface of our planet, it was abundantly clear how insignificant you were.
I was nothing.
The universe was millions of years old, and there were billions and billions of stars in the sea of nothingness. It made our planet insignificant. And if eight billion people were insignificant, what did that make me?
Insignificant.
I kneeled down and scooped up a handful of sand before placing it inside a secured plastic bag. I sealed the top and placed it into my pocket.
Houston spoke over the intercom. “What’s your status, Neil? Do you see something?”
I continued to walk forward and disregarded their inquiry. They probably realized my position on the satellite had turned ideal. “About to step down into the crater, Houston. Everything is good on my end.”
Lunar Labs could accommodate six astronauts, just as at the ISS. There were only three of us now because the previous three astronauts stationed there had returned to Earth. We stayed behind because each of us still had work to do.
Now it was a bit lonely.
There was a sense of camaraderie between us, but we each had very different disciplines. Evelyn was the first astrophysicist in space, and she worked with the satellites we had positioned on the dark side of the moon. Simon was a biologist, and he was a smart guy, just withdrawn and quiet.
There was some chemistry between Evelyn and me, but that was a line I would never cross.
NASA didn’t have any rules in regards to personal relationships between astronauts, but I thought that was the dumbest idea in the world. Even though I was alone on the moon, I still wouldn’t give in to temptation because it was completely unprofessional. I wasn’t really interested anyway…just lonely.
To my surprise, I thought about Charlotte more than I expected. I’d imagined I would think about her for the first few weeks I was away, and then she would fade from my mind. In actuality, my longing for her increased as weeks turned into months. Now that the mission was over, I was most excited to see her.
I missed her.
Our physical relationship was over, and now, we would just be friends.
But just a friendship with her was so fulfilling. It cured my loneliness, made me feel complete in a way my other lovers never did. I couldn’t wait to see her smile again, see the blue Slurpee stain her teeth and make her cute. I couldn’t wait to hear that laugh, see her sexy legs in those cutoff jeans.
But then a terrible idea hit me.
She could be with a guy.
It’d been three months…she could be serious with another guy.
She could even be with Kyle.
She was just my friend, so it shouldn’t matter who she was with, even if it was Kyle. But it still turned me inside out and made me sick…which was impressive because I could withstand an incredible amount of g-force without getting nauseated. But just the thought of Kyle finally getting what he wanted made me never want to return to Earth so I wouldn’t have to watch it.