Vic texted me. We need to talk.
That didn’t sound good. Are you always this dramatic?
Yes. I’m a lawyer. I have to be.
But you’re dramatic in an annoying kind of way.
Lawyers are annoying. And you’re annoying too.
Just meet me, asshole.
Now I’m looking forward to it even less. Fine. Chill.
After work, I met him at the bar. He was in a gray suit and tie, looking like a powerhouse who would destroy you in the courtroom. I was in jeans and a t-shirt since I’d been working on equipment all day. There was no greater certainty that everything would work on the mission than checking it myself. “Alright, what’s the emergency?” I sat across from him, drinking a light beer because I couldn’t afford the calories or the carbs.
He stared at me with those menacing eyes, like I’d slept with his wife or something.
“Wow…this should be fun. What did I do now?”
“I need you to break it off with Charlotte. Now.”
I was getting really sick of my younger brother bossing me around. He kept sticking his nose where it didn’t belong, getting involved in my relationship, when only Charlotte and I should have any say in it. “How about you just mind your own business?”
His eyes narrowed like I hit a button. “This is my business. Charlotte is like a sister to me.”
“And I’m your brother, asshole. I’m good to Charlotte. I’m honest and loyal to that woman. I told you I wouldn’t hurt her, and I’m keeping my word. You’re the one who needs to back off, alright?”
“No. You’ve already broken your word.”
“Excuse me?”
He didn’t touch his glass of scotch, which was a good thing since he shouldn’t be drinking scotch on a Wednesday afternoon anyway. “Just end it, alright? It’s run its course, and now it’s over.”
“It’s not over until we’re ready for it to be over.”
My brother’s body tightened further, like he was about to explode like a volcano. “You need to trust me on this.”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“You’re going to hurt her. The longer this goes on, the worse it’s gonna be.”
“What the hell are you talking about, Vic?” Either he was a drama queen, or he knew something I didn’t. “I was just with her last night, and she was upset about Kyle. I was there for her. I’m always there for her.”
“But you can’t be there for her when you break her heart.”
“I’m not gonna break her heart, man.”
“That’s what you think, but you couldn’t be more wrong.”
“And you say this, why?”
He bowed his head slightly and sighed, like he was wrestling with inner demons. He argued with himself in silence, debating if he should tell me whatever was going through his mind.
“Vic?”
“I shouldn’t tell you this. But I don’t think you understand what’s right under your nose.”
“Tell me what?”
“Stacy was talking to Char, and…Char said she was in love with you.”
The words sank into me quickly, like when you had liquor on an empty stomach. It seeped in immediately, absorbing into my bloodstream instantly. I didn’t feel anything in response, good or bad. I was just in shock for several seconds.
Vic watched me. “I wasn’t supposed to tell you. But since you won’t break up with her, you left me no choice.”
I reflected on our relationship, all the nights we spent together, all the shared showers we had. We used to go out to dinner, but now we always made dinner at home, like a married couple that wanted their privacy. We were constantly fucking, never getting tired of our time in between the sheets. I knew she cared about me, knew about the affection that burned inside her heart. My brother’s announcement was a surprise, but I also wasn’t that surprised at the same time.
“It’s time to walk away before she gets hurt even more.”
That would be the smart thing to do, to leave before our hearts became further intertwined. But the truth was, I didn’t want to walk away. I had months before I launched, and I didn’t want to spend my last few months alone…wishing I were with Charlotte. “I’m not breaking up with her.”
“You fucking asshole.” He shook his head slightly. “You’re gonna keep screwing her, not caring about the damn mess you’ll leave behind?” His voice continued to rise. “You’re that selfish? That much of a prick—”
“I’m not going to leave her because I love her too.”
Vic’s mouth hung wide open because he’d stopped in mid-sentence. His mouth slowly closed as his eyebrows furrowed in surprise. It took him even longer to understand what he’d just heard, longer than it took me to absorb what he’d said initially.
“I love her,” I repeated. “I didn’t realize it until now…but I do.”
Our conversation was heavy with silence. Vic finished his scotch because his restraint disappeared the second I made my confession. Now he didn’t know what to say, how to respond to a declaration like that.
I didn’t know what to say either. Those words burst from my mouth before I truly understood the gravity of the statement. Knowing she felt that way about me only encouraged those feelings to rise to the surface. All our nights together, all the drives we took to pick up Slurpees in the dark with her dog in the back seat, told me she was all I wanted.
Vic dragged his palms down his face before they slapped the surface of the table. “So, what does that mean?”
“It doesn’t mean anything.”
“That’s not possible. It changes everything, Neil.”
I didn’t see why it had to. I wouldn’t run home and tell her my deepest feelings. She wouldn’t tell me either. It was nice to be together without having to acknowledge it. If either one of us really paid attention, we would know exactly how the other felt. “No, it doesn’t.”
“If you love this woman, you can’t keep launching into space.”
“Military personnel deploy and leave their families all the time, Vic.”
“That’s different. They can still talk on the phone or do video chat. You’re not even on this planet.”
I loved Charlotte…but my passion for space exploration hadn’t died. I was just as committed to my profession as ever before. It was important, the most important thing I would ever do. “I can’t walk away, Vic. Charlotte would never want me to anyway.”
Vic clearly hoped that this revelation would reverse my commitment to NASA, and when it didn’t, he couldn’t hide his disappointment. “Then what’s your plan? You’re going to stay together and leave her here alone? She wants a family, Vic.”
Nothing had changed. The agreement we made a long time ago was still intact. “I’ll never tell her how I feel because this isn’t going to last forever. I understand we want different things, and she deserves someone better than me. So, when the time comes…I’ll leave.”
“You love her, but you’re still going to break up with her?”
“I have to.”
“I don’t see why.”
My mission to Mars could last three years. That was far too long to make Charlotte wait. And there was always a possibility I wouldn’t come back at all. “I’m never going to want kids. That’s something I’ll never change my mind about.”
“Why?”
“Because I don’t want to be the kind of father who’s never around.”
“Are you saying dad was a bad father?”
“No. But if he lived, we never would have seen him. Being an astronaut is an ironclad commitment. I don’t have time to be distracted by my family on Earth.”
“Neil, lots of astronauts have families.”
“Yes…and it kills them every time they have to leave. I’m afraid if I have a family, I’ll throw in the towel and give up on my dream.”
“You’ve been living the dream for years, Neil. One day, you’re going to be too old to do this shit, and you’re going to want something else in your life to give it meaning.”
“Maybe. Maybe not.”
Vic sighed in annoyance. “So, your genius plan is to never tell the woman you love how you really feel, let her go and fall in love with someone else, and then continue to launch into the eternal loneliness of space?”
I didn’t appreciate his sarcasm, but I didn’t rise to the insult. “You wouldn’t understand.”
“You’re right, Neil.” He shook his head. “I don’t understand. I don’t understand how this could take precedence over living your own life. When was the last time you took a vacation?”
“I’ve been to the moon, asshole. How many people can say that?”
His eyes narrowed. “I’m gonna have two kids. You’ll have two nieces and nephews. You don’t want to stick around for them?”
“Of course I do. But I need to do this.” I was committed to the mission, and I couldn’t pull out. If I returned alive, there was a good chance I would never launch into space again. The physical toll it would take on my body might be irreversible. I might continue to be an engineer for NASA but a retired astronaut. If that happened, I would accept it. But I wouldn’t pull out of the race now when I was so close to making history. “We can keep going around for days and days, but it won’t change anything. I’ve made up my mind, Vic.” If he was aware of my upcoming fate, he would probably be more understanding of the situation, but without that knowledge, it was a story full of holes.
“I told you not to hurt her.”
“I know. But remember, I’m getting hurt too.”
He shook his head. “It’s different with her. She’s already been through so much.”
“Heartbreak is shitty, no matter how often or little it happens. If I could take all the heartbreak, I would. Trust me.”
Vic stared into his empty glass, his arms resting on the table. “With you out of the picture, Kyle is going to try again. He might succeed this time, and by the time you pull your head out of your ass, it might be too late.”
“He’s with Lizzie now.”
“Come on, we know that’s just a rebound.”
“I don’t know…he stopped being friends with Charlotte because of it.”
“But the second Charlotte is available again, he’ll dump that woman and chase after her. I don’t know what the hell Cameron was thinking, but Charlotte is an exceptional woman. She’s pretty, smart, funny, chill… She’s a dream woman.”
“Trust me, I know she is.” She slept beside me every night. She looked at me with those beautiful green eyes and stared straight into my soul. I would miss her every single day when she was gone. Every time I was with someone else, I’d wish I were with her.
“But that’s still not enough…”