The only cure for grief is action.
(G.H. LEWES, THE SPANISH DRAMA)
The silver bear claw clangs against the steering column as Brenna slides the key into the ignition of Joanna’s car. It’s the middle of January, and Brenna has asked Angie, Justin and Georgialee to meet her, her dad and Naysa at the Daily Grind. She wouldn’t tell any of them the reason for the meeting, just asked them all to be there. She is driving her dad and Naysa because she’s still accumulating the driving hours she needs before she can take her test.
They choose a round table, and when the others arrive Brenna introduces Georgialee to Angie and Justin. They order and Brenna insists on picking up the tab. When they’re all sipping their drinks, Brenna looks around the circle and then pulls a thick envelope out of her purse. She lays it on the table.
“When Naysa and I were younger,” she says, “Mom and Dad encouraged us to give one-third of our allowance to charity. I have a small business now, and I’d like to stick to that guideline. In this envelope is a third of what I’ve earned so far.” She pauses and looks at Angie and then Justin. “I’m giving it to you guys,” she says, pushing the envelope across the table to them. “And I hope you’ll send it on to Aid-A-Child—from an anonymous donor, of course.”
The group sits in startled silence. Justin finds his voice first. “Are you sure, Brenna? That’s a big chunk of what you’ve earned.”
“I don’t have many other expenses,” she says, “though as soon as I get my driver’s license I’ll have gas and car insurance.” She smiles at her dad. “But until then…”
“I’m overwhelmed,” Angie says, reaching for the envelope. “This is so generous of you, Brenna.” She comes around the table to give Brenna a hug.
“And there’s something else I want to talk to you all about,” Brenna continues after accepting a hug from Justin too. “On a Sunday in May each year Grouse Mountain hosts the Seek the Peak charity relay, which donates all proceeds to breast cancer research.” She explains how the race can be run as a team, with four members each taking on one leg of the route. “I’m going to donate my charity money from the next few months to this race, in memory of Mom. I’d also like to participate in it.” She pauses, letting the information sink in. “I was hoping Ryan would be back, but as you know,” she says quietly, “that’s not going to happen. So I’m looking for three teammates.”
“I’m in!” Georgialee says without hesitation.
Brenna high-fives her before looking around the table.
“I don’t think my knees could handle it, honey,” her dad says, “but I’ll certainly sponsor you.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“I can’t commit either,” Justin says. “I’m in the pulpit on Sundays.”
Brenna turns to Angie and cocks her head.
“I’m not much of a runner,” Angie says. “And I’m not sure I’d have enough time to get in shape for a race like that.”
“We have a few months,” Brenna tells her. “And Ryan taught me how a couple of hikes a week can make a huge difference.”
“Yeah, but it’s winter. Hiking’s not so great right now.”
“Maybe not, but snowshoeing is awesome, and you use the same muscles.”
Angie looks doubtful, but after a moment Naysa gently elbows her in the ribs. “I’ll do it if you do it.”
“Really?” Her face is skeptical.
“I’m in lousier shape than you, but what’s the worst that can happen? We probably won’t win the race, but I don’t think that’s the point anyway.”
Brenna smiles at her sister across the table.
“I don’t know, Naysa,” Angie says. “Have you ever done the Grind? It’s frickin’ hard.”
Brenna sees the doubt that flashes across her sister’s face.
“Just come snowshoeing with me, Naysa,” Brenna says. “You’ll be in shape in no time.”
Naysa nods at her sister, but she looks unconvinced.
“And you too, Angie. It will be fun.”
Angie shakes her head. “I’m sorry, Brenna, but my schedule’s pretty full with school and work and tutoring.”
“I’m going back to school next week,” Naysa says. “So you won’t have to tutor me anymore.”
They all turn to look at Naysa.
“What?” she asks, as if she doesn’t know why they’re all surprised.
“When did you decide that?” her dad asks.
“Right now,” she says, and they all laugh. “I hope that’s okay, Angie. Sorry, I should have told you first.”
Her dad puts his arm around Naysa’s shoulders and pulls her in close.
Angie is smiling. “I think that’s great! That means my job is complete. You can always call me if you need some support. But,” she says, “I still don’t know if I’m up for the Seek the Peak, though I’ll be on the sidelines cheering for you guys. And maybe they’ll need volunteers on race day.”
“That’s a great idea, Angie,” Justin says. He turns to Brenna. “And if it’s okay with you, I’d like to join you for the snowshoeing sometimes, and for sure you’ll be able to find a fourth person to be on your relay team by then.”
Brenna notices that Naysa is panting after only a couple of minutes of snowshoeing. The conditions are lousy, and she regrets her decision to bring Naysa up the mountain today. If she were by herself, she’d climb to the top and get it over with as quickly as she could, but she knows she needs to dig deep and find the patience for her sister.
“You’re doing great, Nayse,” she says.
Naysa nods and stomps along behind.
“We’ll take a rest when we get to that fallen tree up there,” Brenna says, pointing to the landmark.
Naysa’s jaw is clamped tight. It’s unseasonably warm, and there’s a light rain falling. Brenna’s jacket and pants are waterproof, but Naysa bought hers secondhand. If Naysa gets wet she’ll be miserable, and she might lose her resolve.
When they reach the tree, Brenna stops so Naysa can rest. “The conditions really suck today, Naysa. Do you want to go back and we’ll try again another day, when it’s better?”
“Nope. Let’s keep going.”
Brenna smiles. “Good for you, sis. This is hard work.”
They continue on. Brenna finds it hard to go so slowly, but she remembers that Ryan had to go slowly for her too when they started doing the Grind. She smiles inwardly thinking about him, and it helps her find the patience for Naysa. She’s glad Naysa discouraged her from inviting Justin along on her first snowshoe trek. She was afraid his presence might make Naysa self-conscious, especially if she was holding them back. It was a good call.
“I was kinda disappointed in Angie,” Brenna confides. “I thought she’d take up the challenge of Seek the Peak. For us, you know?”
“She didn’t even know Mom,” Naysa says between huffs.
“That’s true.” But Kia did, Brenna thinks and then wonders if she would have joined them on the team if circumstances were different.
When they reach the halfway point of the trail, Brenna insists they turn around. “You’ve done amazing for your first time,” she tells her sister. “And just wait. It doesn’t take long before it gets way easier.”
Their dad has offered to pick them up, and he lets Brenna drive. “How did you like it, Naysa?” he asks.
Brenna looks at her sister in the rearview mirror. She’s pulled off her tuque, and her hair is plastered to her scalp, wet with sweat. Her cheeks are rosy, but her eyes are flat as she stares out the window. She simply shrugs.
Jan. 25
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let Ryan’s exercise-to-get-strong program work for Naysa. I had the added incentive of wanting to be with Ryan to motivate me. If only Angie had signed on—that might have been a great incentive for Naysa. She really likes her.
Brenna notices the crocus heads nudging through the soil as she walks the dogs. She looks west and realizes there’s probably an extra hour of daylight now too. She decides to send an email out to her dog-hiking clients that evening, letting them know she will be resuming the hikes the following week and that her fee will reflect the longer sessions.
The weeks of winter have passed slowly, but Naysa has persevered with the snowshoeing, and Brenna can see her fitness level improving. Her return to school was bumpy—there were more than a few bouts of tears—but a couple of her old friends have started hanging out with her again. She has weekly visits with Dr. Price, and Angie still joins them at yoga classes. Brenna likes the sound of the piano music floating through their home again, though she notices that it’s often somber music. Anything is better than the silence that filled their home in the months following their mother’s death.
Brenna and Justin snowshoe past the bear den where Coola and Grinder are sleeping. Naysa had begged off the day’s hike at the last minute when she woke up with another sore throat and runny nose. She’d been hit with one virus after another all fall and winter. Their family doctor said that stress can play havoc with the immune system, but that exercise can help build it back up. Brenna decided to let Naysa off the hook anyway. She liked being able to talk openly with Justin.
“Not much longer before the bears wake up again,” Brenna tells him.
“Will you resume your volunteer work then?”
“Yep, though it’s not the same on the mountain without Mom and now without Ryan too.”
“How’s he doing?”
“Pretty good, I think. His mom’s making really good progress, and he’s finishing up his last year of school online. I wish he’d bring her here for a holiday in May,” she adds. “I’m still short one person for the Seek the Peak relay, and he’d love to do it. It was his idea in the first place.”
Justin changes the subject. “I received an email from Kia this week. It sounds like she’s doing well too.”
“How long will she stay in Uganda?”
“I don’t know, but she’s in a relationship with a British doctor who is also working there. It sounds pretty serious.”
Brenna doesn’t respond.
“Do you still feel sad that Angie asked you not to contact her?”
“Yeah, but I get it.”
“I expect Kia will be home sooner rather than later, to introduce the doctor to her family. Maybe they’ll ask me to marry them. Now that would make me happy.” Justin grins.
“I keep rereading the journal she left for me. I’m a bit obsessed with it, actually.”
Justin pauses to take a sip of water. He waits for her to continue.
“I’ve been thinking that someday she might be interested in reading it again.”
“You could give it to Angie for safekeeping,” Justin says over his shoulder. “Then she could give it back to Kia if she ever felt the timing was right.”
Brenna nods, though the thought of giving away the journal is painful. It’s all she has of Kia, except for an envelope full of old greeting cards. “I’d also like to write her a letter, tell her that I’m okay and that Mom and Dad were—are—awesome parents, and I even got a sister in the deal. Maybe it would bring her some peace.”
“Write the letter,” Justin encourages. “It might make you feel better. Just don’t send it. Give it to Angie too, to hold on to, you know, in case.”
No wonder Kia liked Justin so much, Brenna thinks. As much as she loves her parents, she realizes that if he’d adopted her, as he’d once considered doing, it wouldn’t have been so bad.
Brenna has her phone camera pointed at the closed door to the bear den as Mark begins to yank on the pulley system that draws it open.
As in past years, Grinder is the first bear to poke his nose out of the den. He blinks in the sunlight and looks around at the crowd that has come to witness the end of another hibernation. Then he digs a path through the snow, away from the den. A moment later Coola’s head emerges before he too steps through the open door. Both bears are much skinnier versions of their pre-hibernation selves. Moving deeper into the enclosure, Coola begins to dig in the snow with his long claws. Grinder has trundled over to a bank and is rubbing his body vigorously against the snow.
After snapping a few pictures, Brenna immediately emails them to Ryan. Spring has sprung, she writes. The bears have emerged.
It is April 15, exactly two years to the day since her mother was first diagnosed with breast cancer. So much has happened in those two years, but here on the mountain the reemergence of the grizzly bears has the same feel as it does every year. The crowd cheers, but the bears ignore them and begin sliding down banks and digging tunnels. She smiles as she watches them. Her mother never missed this moment each spring. Just as Justin mentioned at her memorial service, she will have to carry on in her mother’s place.
From: ryanfromdownunder@hotmail.com
To: brennayoko@gmail.com
I have found a fourth person for the relay. He’ll be there at the start. Don’t worry…he’ll recognize you and will do the last leg of the relay—the really steep one! Have fun!
I love you and miss you!
Ryan
May 24
Is Ryan the 4th person? Would he surprise me like this? It would be just like him…OMG!! Do I dare hope?