Chapter Twenty

A Trick of the Eyes

Alastair was good on his word.

We picked up a large pepperoni pizza from our favorite joint and scarfed it down when we got home. Then he ran me a bath, which soothed my muscles and, after the initial pain of contact, settled the ache there too. He rubbed the Arnica gel on my ass while I lay face down on the bed with my arms tucked under my chest, and got lost in the joy of being well cared for, something that still felt very new and precious to me.

While he was doing this, he asked me questions about my childhood, which might have seemed strange after an intense kink scene, but I understood his curiosity and didn’t mind.

“Was your mom always like that?”

I sighed, focusing on the delicious feeling of his hands on my body.

“No. Well, she’s always been a flake, I guess? But I didn’t notice so much when I was really young. I had a lot of freedom, because she wasn’t on my case all the time. She ignored me most of the time, which wasn’t always bad.”

I didn’t tell him about having to forage in the beat-up refrigerator for whatever food she’d happened to put in there on any given week. Or how my friends had offered me things from their lunches that they’d said they didn’t want, but I had known were given to me on the suspicion that I might not have enough to eat at home.

“Yeah?”

“Uh-huh. I could have gotten into so much trouble. But I guess I’m…not that kind of a person? I don’t know. I worried a lot—about her, about us. Maybe…I felt more like the parent?”

“God. That’s a lot to deal with.”

“It felt normal to me.” Except on the days it had felt awful and unfair. “It helped having a friend like Esther. Anyway, when I had my growth spurt was when things went downhill. My mom has a lot of issues with men. She doesn’t trust them, for one thing, but I guess I can’t blame her for that. Then again, when she does trust them, she always trusts the wrong ones. You know?”

“Huh,” Alastair said, digging his fingers into my muscles in the most exquisite way.

“Like that guy we saw… He was probably her drug dealer or just another junkie she’d convinced to help her out. I guess she has to be loaded or high to trust a man, but that brings its own problems, right?”

“Right,” he said, agreeing with me, even though he didn’t understand the whole situation with my mom. But he never would. I didn’t even understand it. I knew she’d been through a lot. Her parents had not been the nicest people.

“God. My childhood seems like Howdy Doody next to yours.”

I craned my head to give him a look.

“Howdy whaty?”

He laughed. “Howdy Doody. It was some show in the fifties, I don’t know. All crazy wholesome and pure, I guess?”

“Was that the kind of childhood you had?”

“Well, it wasn’t perfect. My parents both worked, so they weren’t around very much, either. But they made sure I felt loved and was cared for, which seems pretty luxurious to me right now.”

“Yeah,” I said quietly. “It is. You’re lucky.”

“I’m starting to figure that out.”

“My life wasn’t terrible. I’m sure a lot of kids had it way worse. It made me a stronger person. Although the evidence for that is sorely lacking at the moment.”

“What do you mean?”

The man was rubbing cream into the skin of my ass because he’d told me to bend over a desk and I’d let him beat me with a ruler. It didn’t exactly make me feel strong and powerful.

“Well, look at me.”

He stopped the rubbing and squeezed my butt cheek, making me gasp. He sat on the bed beside me, using a towel to wipe the remnants of the soothing gel from his fingers.

“Toby, you know the submissive has all the power, right?”

I blinked. “Well, I… Really?”

He smiled. “The Dom is the one telling the sub what to do, but the Dom has to work within the boundaries that the submissive has already laid out. And at any time, the submissive can stop everything with one word.”

“Well, so can the Dom. That’s what you said.”

“True. It’s important that everyone has a way to tap out.”

“Yeah.”

“The fact that you put yourself in that vulnerable situation, went to the Bordello with me, submitted to things you had never experienced before because you thought it might be fun?” he shook his head. “It takes a certain amount of courage to do that, Toby.”

“Huh.”

“And the fact that you persevered through the ruler thing, in order to please me and get a fucking amazing orgasm out of it at the end? That takes a very strong person.”

I thought about it and decided his perspective had merit. I smiled up at him.

“It was pretty amazing. And the ruler? I didn’t hate it.”

He laughed.

“Well, I hated it for a couple of seconds here and there. But I’d do it again in a heartbeat—and, uh, maybe try out some of those paddles.”

His dimple was so cute.

“Oh, honey. I have so much I want to show you. But I want to take my time. Do you know why?”

“No,” I breathed, getting lost in his eyes and the way they seemed to have endless depths of emotion and knowledge.

“Because watching you experience all this stuff for the first time is…it’s incredible, erotically and emotionally.” He reached out and cupped my chin. “I’ve only ever been with experienced players. I’ve never taken someone on this journey before. I’m honored I get to be the one to explore it with you.”

 

* * * *

 

The next morning, we lazed around, eating pancakes and drinking too much coffee. I was able to sit down without too much trouble, as long as it was on a softer surface like the couch. The chair at the kitchen table was another story, which I discovered at breakfast. Alastair kindly let me have my lunch and supper on the sofa.

He seemed even more concerned with my comfort now that he’d taken it from me temporarily, and I reveled in his caretaking. I couldn’t decide if I liked the kink better or the aftercare, because it was really nice to know that someone was trying to make your life better. I hadn’t had that before. I didn’t wholly trust it, but I wasn’t gonna sabotage it, either.

I had planned to meet Esther that Monday at a cute little café called Matin for breakfast. Alastair had risen at six-thirty—his normal work wake-up time—and he’d kissed me good-bye when I’d briefly surfaced from sleep.

She was nowhere to be seen when I got there, which was par for the course with Esther. The repercussions of my playtime with Alastair had gone from a six point five on the pain scale to an easy two. When I sat on one of the wooden chairs, there was just enough to remind me of the fun I’d had without impinging on my ability to be comfortable. Although, if we ended up staying for a while, I might have to move to a softer spot. That would be a fun conversation.

Alastair was thrilled about the fact that there was still some tenderness, the possessive fuck. He kept threatening to take me over his knee and bring the pain level back up, but I’d assumed he was joking, perhaps mistakenly.

Anyway, since I was a newbie to the whole ‘beat my ass then watch me squirm’ party, I decided to take it easy on myself. Besides, I had to be at zero before we went back to the Bordello on Friday. I was anticipating that with equal parts excitement and trepidation.

I was sitting there, people watching and waiting for Esther, when I happened to glance at the back corner of the café. A guy was sitting in the shadows of a booth there, and he looked kind of familiar. I was confused, then it hit me. It was the man who had approached me and Alastair outside Maverick Molly’s the week before.

A slice of fear went through me. He wasn’t looking in my direction, so maybe he hadn’t seen me yet—or he was trying to go unnoticed.

How had he known where to find me? And what did he want? My mom was probably furious that I’d escaped her clutches but not stupid enough to have me murdered…hopefully.

I turned away and pulled my phone from my pocket. I figured I was relatively safe in this café, with numerous customers and staff about. I wished that Esther would get here. Normally, I could accept that she was never on time and it was all part of her unique charm. But today I was not amused.

I thumbed my phone and pulled up Alastair’s contact info. My first instinct was to text him that the guy was here, but then I wondered if that was an overreaction. I didn’t want to bother Alastair at his job with something that would scare him or make him worry. I probably wasn’t in actual danger. This wasn’t America where anyone and everyone had a gun and people were shot in public places all the time. Right? Right?

Esther still hadn’t shown up, so I sent a quick text her way with a question mark and a shot of the table where I was sitting. Then I texted an eggplant to Alastair with a winky face, just for fun and to make me feel better. He sent me a shocked face and a water squirting emoji. I put my phone on the table and glanced around casually to check the corner.

He was gone.

I looked to see if he’d gone to the counter or was on his way out, but there wasn’t any sign of the guy. The whole thing had unsettled me, and I wondered if I’d imagined it. I picked up my phone and tapped on my mahjong app. Enjoying the solo player game was a good way to settle my nerves and distract myself, which was why I jumped out of my skin and dropped my phone when someone’s hands covered my eyes.

“Guess who?”

By the time I’d processed it was Esther, my phone was bouncing off the floor.

“Oh shit. Sorry!” she yelped.

In a second she was half under the table, getting it. She held it out to me with a wide smile. “Here.”

Her smile vanished. “Oh my God, what’s wrong?” she said, as I took the phone in trembling fingers and tried to calm my racing heart.

“You scared the shit out of me, Esther. What the fuck?”

“Oh damn, I’m sorry,” Esther said, getting up and dusting the dirt off her knees.

“You’re late,” I said, sounding more pissed off than I’d meant to.

Esther’s eyebrows scrunched together. “I’m always late,” she stated, because it was true.

I sighed and checked my phone for crumbs and dirt, wiping the screen with my thumb. “I know. I’m trying to decide if I love that or hate it about you.”

She shrugged and leaned back in her chair, regarding me with blatant curiosity. “You seem a little jumpy. What’s going on?”

“Nothing.”

“Everything okay with Mr. Alastair Kenney?”

Hearing his name made me feel better in a weird way.

I nodded. “Yeah, everything’s fine. Great, in fact.”

“Man, I’m so jealous. When am I gonna find my kinky millionaire?”

“He’s not a millionaire.”

“You said he owns a house in Old Ottawa South. That’s pretty close.”

I shrugged. “Well, he’s got money, enough that he doesn’t worry about spending it.”

Esther grinned and pointed at me. “On you.”

I laughed.

“Seriously, Toby, are you okay? You looked like a startled goat there for a second.”

“Thanks.”

“I mean that in the best of ways. Goats are adorable.”

“Probably not when they’re scared.”

“Even when they’re scared. Just don’t go fainting on me.”

“What?”

“Never mind. What’s up?”

I blinked. “It’s probably nothing.”

“Probably?”

“Can we get some food?” I asked.

“Yes. Absolutely, my lovely baby goat.”

I narrowed my eyes but didn’t say anything.

“What do you want?”

“A medium dark roast, black, please.”

“Anything to eat?”

“Yeah. Something sweet.”

“You got it.”

While she stood in line, I took some deep breaths and tried to settle my nerves. Nothing had happened. I’d seen some guy who had looked like the creep who had approached us, that was all. It probably wasn’t even him.

I started to feel angry. Because how dare my mom try to freak me out by sending her drug dealer or her homeless coke buddy to do her dirty work? If she wanted me to come home, she could maybe ask me the normal way. Of course, I’d still tell her to go fuck herself. But why did she have to do this creepy, weird fucking thing?

Esther brought my coffee in a tray with her tea and a plate of delicious-looking pastries.

“I couldn’t decide, so I got one of each. You can have them all, Toby. I’m sorry for being so late.”

I took my coffee and popped the lid right off, looking into the swirling darkness of the caffeinated depths. I hadn’t had any yet today, because I’d known I was coming here.

Maybe I’d hallucinated that guy. Caffeine dependency was a thing.

Esther watched me blow on my coffee and take some sips.

“You look like you’re making love to it.”

“I am. Sooo good.” After another long sip I was able to give her a smile.

“There’s my Toby. Now, come on. What’s bugging you?”

I fingered a raspberry Danish off the plate and took a bite. Sweet icing, fruit, and flaky pastry melted in my mouth. I closed my eyes to really enjoy it.

“Wow. If you look like that during sex, no wonder you’ve got a rich boyfriend.”

I snorted a laugh and opened my eyes. Esther was fucking hilarious, and I loved her so much.

I got serious again. “Okay, look. The other night—well, I guess it was last week—when Alastair and I were leaving the club after my shift, this gross guy turned up and basically told me I should move back in with my mom if I knew what was good for me.”

Esther’s expression turned murderous. “What the fuck?”

“I know. It was obviously some drugged-out friend of hers—or her dealer. I don’t know.”

“Toby, that’s messed up.”

“I know.”

“Did you go to the police?”

I gave her a strange look. “What? No. What was I gonna tell them?”

“Uh, that this stranger threatened you in the street? I assume it was the street. He didn’t come into the club did he?”

“No. Jacob would’ve turfed him.”

“Exactly. Wait! You said Alastair was there…”

“Not at first. I was…uh…” I blinked and looked everywhere but at Esther.

She narrowed her eyes. “Smoking. You were smoking, weren’t you?”

“I had a cigarette in my hand. But I didn’t smoke it.”

She looked skeptical. “Why not?”

“Because by the time Alastair got rid of the creepy guy, I didn’t want to… I didn’t want to be like her. I don’t want to be like her.”

“Toby, you’ll never be like her.”

I shrugged. “Hopefully.”

“Definitely. But I won’t argue that the smoking habit is sketchy as fuck. I’m glad you ditched it.”

“Yeah. Anyway, while I was waiting for you, I thought I saw the same guy sitting in the corner.” I nodded toward the booth now filled with a couple and their two kids.

“No way!” She looked legitimately worried, and it was freaking me out a bit.

“I don’t actually think it was him. It was probably my imagination.”

“Oh man. I’m sorry I was so late, though.”

“It’s okay. I’m obviously fine. Do I still look like a goat?”

“Not so much.”

“Perfect.” I took another bite of the Danish. “Fuck, these are good. Have the strawberry one.”

We ate and chatted and joked around, like always, and it was so nice to hang out with my best friend again.

“So, things are going good with your man?”

“Sure.”

“Sure?”

“He’s incredible. And he seems to like me for some reason.”

“Toby…”

“Okay, fine. I am awesome—in some ways, maybe.”

“In lots of ways.” She smiled. “He must like baby goats.”

“Oh, fuck off.”

She laughed. “I’m thrilled for you, Toby. You deserve to have a sexy man fall in love with you.”

I held up my hand. “Whoa, whoa. Who said anything about love? Jesus Christ.”

She shrugged. “Maybe not yet. But when you talk about him, you go all gooey-schmooey, and if he has any sense, he’ll fall head over heels for you.”

“I do not go— Wait, what?”

“Toby. I’ve been telling you for at least five years you’re a total catch. When are you going to believe me?”

“I guess when I finally get a ring on my finger,” I said, sticking my tongue out at her.

“Hmm. Well. If you look at Alastair like you looked at that coffee and Danish earlier, I bet it won’t be long.”

 

* * * *

 

After the café, Esther and I wandered around Old Ottawa South, popping into several quaint little stores. At Global Pet Foods—which was actually a chain pet store but still cool—we messed around trying dog collars on each other, because it was hilarious and made some of the staff nervous.

“Oh my God. That looks fucking cool on you,” Esther said, with a hand over her mouth.

“What? No, it doesn’t,” I said. I touched my fingers to the soft brown leather and hovered them over the silver buckle.

Esther took a photo with her phone and showed me.

“Oh, shit. It does look kind of good,” I said.

“You should get it. I bet Alastair would like it.”

“It’s for a dog!”

“So? Don’t be so confined by social expectations.”

I kind of did want to get it. Alastair probably would like it. But that would mean I’d have to take it off, give it to the cashier and pay for it, knowing that the sales guy saw me trying it on myself.

Esther rolled her eyes and held out her hand. “Give it to me, you coward.”

“What?”

“I’m gonna buy it for you. Alastair can thank me later.”

I blinked in embarrassed confusion, but I unbuckled the clasp and handed it to her.

“Good boy,” she said, with a smirk.

My face flushed with heat as she patted her thigh and said, “Come.”

I was never gonna live this down, but I wanted the fucking collar.

The sales associate took the collar from Esther and held it in front of me.

“Good choice. Looked amazing on you,” he said with a smile, his eyes flashing up at me.

What the fuck?

I blinked. “Thanks?”

He laughed. “Don’t worry. Lots of people buy these for themselves.”

“Really? Even in Old Ottawa South?” Esther asked.

He leaned in so that the smattering of other customers wouldn’t hear. “You wouldn’t believe how much of a kinky underbelly this city has. I can point you to a few places…”

Esther directed her thumb my way. “He works at Maverick Molly’s.”

The sales guy’s eyes widened. “Well. Okay, then.”

His smile got bigger, and he gave me a once-over, which I was positive was the only time I’d ever been eye-fucked in a pet store.

“Thank you so much…”—Esther squinted at his name tag—“Remington. You’ve been very helpful.”

“No problem.” He handed her the paper bag with the collar that he’d wrapped in pink tissue paper. If I hadn’t been dating Alastair, I might have asked for his phone number.

When we got outside, Esther dissolved into hilarity.

“Oh my God. You got that surprised goat look again in there. But I think Remington liked it.”

I rolled my eyes and snatched the bag out of her hand. “Thank you for getting this.” I went to get my wallet from my pocket.

“Oh no. Consider it a gift—my contribution to your kinky journey with Alastair.”

I raised my eyebrows and put the wallet back. “Should I tell him that?”

“Why not?” She grabbed my hand, and we skipped along the sidewalk in the bright winter sunshine.