The verdict is in! Court transcripts make some of the best bathroom reading there is. These were actually said, word for word, in a court of law.
Judge: I know you, don’t I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: Alright, how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.
Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys?
Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.
Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution.Juror: That’s not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at birth, too.
Judge: Please identify yourself for the record.
Defendant: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson.
Judge: What does the “Colonel” stand for?
Defendant: Well, it’s kinda like the “Honorable” in front of your name—not a damn thing.
Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkenness. Have you anything to say in your defense?
Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?
Plaintiff’s Lawyer: What doctor treated you for the injuries you sustained while at work?
Plaintiff: Dr. J.
Plaintiff’s Lawyer: And what kind of physician is Dr. J?
Plaintiff: Well, I’m not sure, but I remember that you said he was a good plaintiff’s doctor.
Q: Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
Q: Do you have any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted-murder trial?
A: The victim lived.
Q: You don’t know what it was, and you didn’t know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
Defendant: If I called you a son of a bitch, what would you do?
Judge: I’d hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in jail.
Defendant: What if I thought you were a son of a bitch?
Judge: I can’t do anything about that. There’s no law against thinking.
Defendant: In that case, I think you’re a son of a bitch.
It takes 4,000 grains of sugar to fill a teaspoon.