We’re always amazed by the creative way people get involved with bathrooms, toilets, toilet paper, etc. That’s why we’ve created Uncle John’s “Stall of Fame.”
Honoree: Henry Pifer, a truck driver from Arkansas
Notable Achievement: Standing up for the rights of workers who are sitting down…you know where
True Story: In June of 1999 Pifer was hit by a coworker’s truck while he was at work. His injuries were serious enough that he had to take time off from his job, so he applied to the state Workers’ Compensation Commission for benefits…and was turned down. Reason: At the time of the accident, Pifer was returning from a bathroom break. “Doing your business” at your place of business doesn’t count as work, the commission concluded, because it is not an “employment service.” Your boss isn’t paying you to poop.
Rather than take the decision sitting down, Pifer fought it all the way to the Arkansas Supreme Court…and won. In March 2002 the court ruled that Pifer’s bathroom break “was a necessary function and directly or indirectly advanced the interests of his employer.”
Little Rock attorney Philip Wilson called the ruling “a landmark decision, because it’s the first time the Supreme Court has defined employment services with respect to going to the bathroom.”
Honoree: The Toto Company of Japan, the world’s largest manufacturer of toilets and plumbing fixtures
Notable Achievement: Creating the “Miracle Magic Pavilion”
True Story: In 2002 Toto wanted to make a big impression at Japan’s Kitakyusyu Expo trade show, so they spent a lot of money making a promotional movie touting the company’s plumbing fixtures. Rather than just project it onto an ordinary boring movie screen, the company commissioned the “Miracle Magic Pavilion,” also known as the “Toilet Theater.” It’s just what it sounds like it is: a toilet so big that it can be used as a movie theater. Viewers enter through a door built into the side of the huge toilet bowl, then sit on genuine life-sized toilets to watch the film.
Parrots never, ever, get appendicitis. (They don’t have an appendix.)
Have you ever been at a movie and had to use the bathroom really bad, but you didn’t want to leave your seat for fear of missing an important scene? Even in the Toilet Theater, you’d still be out of luck—none of the toilet-seat theater seats are actually hooked up to plumbing. More bad news: Toto has no plans to screen feature films in its enormous toilet, either. You get to watch Toto infomercials. That’s it.
Honoree: Max Reger, a turn-of-the-century German composer
Notable Achievement: Being best remembered for something he composed…in the bathroom
True Story: Have you ever heard of Max Reger? Probably not; his name isn’t even that familiar to music buffs. In fact, Reger is remembered less for his music than for his response to a scathing review of his work written by a critic named Rudolph Louis in 1906.
“Dear sir,” Reger wrote in reply, “I am sitting in the smallest room of my house. I have your review before me. In a moment it will be behind me.”
Honoree: The Rowanlea Grove Entertainment Co. of Canada
Notable Achievement: Putting Osama Bin Laden in his place
True Story: It wasn’t long after 9/11 that the folks at Rowanlea decided to sit down and be counted: they downloaded a picture of Osama Bin Laden from the Internet and printed it on a roll of toilet paper; now anybody that wants to pay him back with a little “face time” can do it. Rowanlea also prints Osama’s face on tissue paper, garbage bags, air-cushion insoles for your smelliest pair of shoes, and even sponges for use on those really disgusting cleaning jobs. Bonus: printing Osama’s face on toilet paper without his permission violates his “right to publicity.”
Osama “Ex-Terrorist-Commando X-Wipe” rolls aren’t cheap—they sell for $19.95 for one or $49.95 for a pack of four, plus shipping and handling. The inkjet ink runs and may irritate sensitive skin, which is why Rowanlea recommends an alternative to wiping: “placing a sheet in the toilet bowl before doing your business. Then bombs away!”
Construction of the Great Wall of China was financed—in part—by lotteries.