Eleven

Rolling her shoulders back and forth, Em tried to loosen the knots that were forming beneath her skin. Despite her efforts, she could feel her muscles rebelling against the day’s hard work. Em walked slowly back to the Howells’ after her fourth day at the boardinghouse. She could feel the tightness all through her shoulders and back. Muscles that had lain dormant were now shouting as they awoke from their long slumber. She’d always worked hard, but this work was new and her body was struggling to adjust.

She rubbed the muscles in her neck with her hands. It was a satisfying feeling—painful but rewarding. It meant she was closer to Beckford and repaying the Howells. It meant she was no longer stagnant. Instead of waiting for her chance, she was now seizing it.

Margaret had proved a patient and kind teacher. She expected a full day’s work but held effort in the highest regard, and Em gave each task her all. During mundane jobs, Em reviewed letters and their sounds in her head. Already, after only four brief lessons, she was recognizing the letters she’d learned.

Caleb had seemed pleased with her progress, which made her heart soar. He had made no mention of the brook and neither had she. Instead, they had returned to being easy friends.

The newness of reading, the gratification of hard work, and the hope of seeing Lucy again filled her with an abundance of optimism. Each day she sprang from her bed, eager to see what lay ahead.

Tomorrow she would have to learn on her own. Caleb was meeting up with the other lawmen and would be gone for days or maybe even weeks.

Back at the Howells’ house, Em eased herself into a tall straight-backed chair near the fireplace. Eliza stood with her back to her on the other side of the hearth.

“You’re back early,” Eliza said without even turning to face her.

“Margaret doesn’t offer dinner when there’s a social. I helped her clean and do laundry. That was it for today.”

“You look tired. Are you sure she is not working you too hard?” Eliza asked while heating the iron.

“It’s hard work—I can’t deny that. I think I’ll get used to it. I hope I do. I need the money.” Allowing herself a moment of reprieve, she sank deeper into the chair. “Margaret is good company, which helps the time go quickly. My muscles might disagree with me, but I like the work even if it’s hard.”

“Perhaps you should stop spending your mornings with Caleb. Then you would not be so tired.”

“He leaves tomorrow and I don’t know when he’ll return. My mornings will be free again.” Em stood and began walking to find Abigail and make herself useful. Never would she allow herself too much idle time, not while she was living off the goodwill of others.

“He’ll never care for you. Not the way you want him to,” Eliza said over her shoulder as she smoothed her dress with the iron.

Em stopped. “I’m grateful to be his friend and indebted to him for his kindness, but I have no other expectations.”

Eliza stepped away from the dress and the iron and moved toward her. “I’ve seen you looking at him. Your eyes follow him when he’s here, and when he speaks you hang on his words. You care for him. I just hope you don’t end up with a broken heart.”

“Thank you for the concern,” Em said through clenched teeth.

“There are other men. Men who are more suited to you. Mr. Harvel lost his wife and has children who need care. His last wife was not much to look at—appearances don’t matter to him. He’s not so horrible. Papa says he works hard and he has his own home and business. I think you’d be well suited.”

“I’m not looking for a match.” Em said each word slowly.

“Well, you can’t live here forever, and Caleb won’t marry you. You need to think of another plan.”

Em turned and started to leave the room. A word of departure might be customary, but she could not speak another word. Leaving was all she could think to do. Otherwise her injured pride might get the better of her. But she wasn’t quick enough.

“There are already rumors about you. If you don’t want to hurt his reputation, you should leave him alone. Just go away.”

Through the kitchen and out the back door she went. The house full of people always had been so comforting, but now she wanted to be alone. Her knees buckled beneath her once she reached the big tree. In a pathetic heap she sat with her face buried in her hands. She tried to get Eliza’s words out of her head—he’ll never care for you, already rumors, leave him alone, go away—but the words would not go.

What rumors? She had only been in town a short while and most of that time had been spent convalescing at the Howells’ home. Nothing she’d done warranted gossip. The very idea of hurting Caleb’s reputation sat ill with her. He was her friend—she’d never willfully hurt him. Why couldn’t life move ahead easily for once?

“Em, come inside. The social begins soon and I have found the perfect dress for you to wear.” Abigail was standing at the kitchen door looking out at her. Her hand was on her forehead, blocking the evening sun.

“I was thinking of staying back. I find I am quite worn out from work,” Em said from her spot on the ground.

“He was right. That man seems to know you well. Stand up. You’ve got to come.” Abigail motioned Em inside.

“What do you mean, he was right?”

“Caleb stopped by earlier. Said he had a feeling you would try to get out of the social. I’m to remind you you’re under an obligation to attend. Something about your word and a shooting competition. All that aside, I believe you gave me your word as well.”

She hated that Abigail was right on both accounts. She had given her word. Being under an obligation did not make going any easier.

“I suppose I did,” Em said, walking toward her.

“I’m glad that’s settled.” Abigail took Em’s hand and pulled her inside. “I got ready early so I’d have time to help you. Let’s try on the dress and then I’ll fix your hair.” Abigail pulled back a little and looked her over. “What is it? Is something else wrong? Are you nervous to meet so many new people?”

“I suppose that is part of it.” Em did her best to brighten her face. “I’ll be fine.”

“What else is it? You can trust me. Tell me what’s weighing on you.”

“I worry I am in the way here. That there is not a spot for me.” Em chewed on her thumbnail while she tried to decide the right way to explain all she was feeling. “I sometimes think I’m settling in here, more than I ever have anywhere. Then I am reminded that I have no real home. I don’t even have a place to run to when I’ve had a bad day.”

Abigail took Em’s face in her hands. “My dear, something has happened. You’ve been nothing but sunshine these last few days and now this. Has something happened with Caleb?”

Em shook her head. “Nothing has happened between Caleb and me. Nothing ever will.” Surprised by how much despair was in her voice, Em placed a hand over her mouth and walked to the kitchen window and looked out.

“He is your friend. I’ve seen it. You didn’t know him before, but he is so much more carefree since meeting you. You’re good for him and he’s good for you. Come now and let’s get you ready. We can talk more while I do your hair.” Abigail put a gentle hand on Em’s shoulder. Without saying a word, Em followed.

Abigail took her into her own room and helped her dress. Never had Em had such exquisite fabric against her skin, and yet she found little pleasure in it. It was just another farce to go with all the rest. None of this was really hers.

Abigail seemed to sense her lingering despair and filled the air with conversation. She asked after Em’s job and told about the girls’ escapades. When there was a lull, Em asked, “What were your sons’ names? You don’t have to answer, but I’ve wondered.”

A moment passed. Abigail wiped a tear from her face. It had come so fast that Em regretted her question, afraid she’d hurt her motherly friend. But remembering Margaret and her happiness that came from remembering Wyatt, she pressed on. “I have heard they were the finest boys.”

“That they were. The very finest. Never had boys shown so much promise. They would have been fine men now, men who could do anything they dared to dream.” Abigail took a thin strip of Em’s hair and curled it. “Their names were Mathew and John.”

“John was my father’s name. He was a good man too.”

“I had hoped to hear all about your parents one day. So your father was John. I agree it is a good name. My John was a little horseman. We had an old horse named Win that he rode every day. I never knew a boy could love an animal so much. He also loved the store. He would look over the catalogs and talk Abraham into buying the newest items. They usually sold too. Such a brilliant boy.” Em glanced over her shoulder and was amazed to see a smile gracing Abigail’s face. She was happy remembering.

“What of Mathew?”

“Mathew was my fair-haired boy. Freckles, like yours, were all along his nose. I have heard some criticize freckles, but I loved them. They looked as perfect on him as they look on you.” Em touched her nose absently. Nothing was perfect about her—at least it had never been before. No, that wasn’t true. Her mother had thought her perfect.

Abigail must have seen Em react. “Yes, Em, your freckles are perfect. Looks are a funny thing, very peculiar. Never waste any time disliking the ones you have. The right person will think they are the very definition of beautiful.”

Could it be possible?

Em felt tears prick her own eyes. “My mother always loved the way I looked. At least she said she did. As the years have passed, I’ve wondered how she could have. I think perhaps she only told me she did so I’d not feel sorry for myself.”

“Your mother truly thought you were beautiful. I’m sure of it. Don’t doubt her words, not for a moment. Everyone who knows you, who really knows you, will love everything about you. Don’t go shrugging your shoulders like you don’t believe me. I’m right. Ask Abraham—I’m always right.” Abigail reached behind her and grabbed a hand mirror. “What do you think of your hair? It’s coming along nicely I think.”

Tight ringlets framed her face. “It looks like hair from one of the girls’ stories,” Em said, turning her head from side to side.

“You’ve described it perfectly. And that is just what I was going for. Now you will be perfectly suited for your dance with the Prince of Azure Springs. The girls told me.” Abigail winked at her. Then, surprising Em, she said, “If my boys were here, they would be his rivals. They were princes, both of them. The finest manners, the kindest hearts. I’m convinced all the girls would be chasing them if they were still here.”

Abigail took Em’s hand in hers and squeezed it. “Thank you for asking me about them. I’m learning to live without them. I miss them so badly. Every day I miss them and wish they were here. I long to hear them stomping down the stairs in the morning. I miss it all—the noise, the dirty shoes, the critters they were always catching. Things I never thought I would miss haunt me now.” Wiping at her cheek, she said, “It was good to talk about them. To have someone ask about them.”

Em brushed her hand across her forehead, longing for her mother’s kiss. “I’m not sure we ever learn to live without those we love. I think Margaret may be right. The secret is to learn to live with them as nearby as we can keep them. My parents are dead and my sister is in Beckford. I miss them every day. Only now am I learning the right way to remember them.”

“I believe you and I shall learn together. We’ll find a way to live with our loss and find happiness along the way,” Abigail said as she gave Em’s shoulder a squeeze.

“I would like that.”

Abigail kissed Em’s cheek. “I want you to know I have prayed prayers of gratitude for the good Lord leading you here, to me and to all of us. Tonight I will thank him again. And I will pray for your sister. Someday soon I hope you will tell me all about your family. We must hurry now.” The friendly glimmer returned to her eyes. “Or you shall be late for the social.”

Deserted by even Mae and Milly, Em stood as far in the shadows as possible. Abigail had made her feel beautiful, but now, surrounded by strangers, she felt only fear. She wished she could blend in with the tall oaks—become one of them and spend the evening observing all the lovely couples as they twirled around the dance floor. Em’s dress was a pale blue, the color of a robin’s egg. White lace ran along the bodice, cuffs, and hem. It was not a dress meant to blend in. Oh, but she wished she could.

The weather was ideal for an outdoor dance, warm with a refreshing breeze. A makeshift floor was set up behind the church. Tables of food and drinks lined the edges. Musicians played in the corner, their festive tunes filling the air.

Children frolicked together in the trees. Mae and Milly had vowed to spend the evening with Em, but once they approached the gathering they had looked so longingly at the cluster of children that Em had told them to run and play.

“What time is it, Mr. Fox?” the children were shouting. A large boy was acting as Mr. Fox. He replied with his back turned that it was eight o’clock. The mob of children all took eight steps closer to him. Again they shouted an inquiry about the time.

“Dinner time,” the boy yelled as he turned and ran toward them. The children sped away, laughing as they went, hoping Mr. Fox would not catch them.

What fun they were having. Just as they should be. Glancing away from the game and back to the adults, Em felt everyone was enjoying themselves but her.

Quiet Abraham had swept the elegant Abigail onto the dance floor. For a man of his girth, he moved about gracefully. Other couples were all around them. Some she’d seen around town, but many were new to her. And then she saw him.

Caleb.

Since she had seen him last he had trimmed his thick, dark hair and shaved. He wore a navy-blue three-piece suit. Even cleaned up he had a ruggedness about him that could not be washed or cut away. Nature seemed to run through his veins. What would it feel like to be in his strong arms dancing across the wooden floor?

Holding Eliza in his arms, Caleb thought again of his parents’ letter. With each passing month we seem to feel the effects of age more acutely. Often we wonder if we will live long enough to see a grandchild enter this world. We wonder if our name will continue on or is the Reynolds name to be a thing of the past? There was a time we never doubted it. We were naive enough to believe we’d have a healthy posterity.

Had his brothers lived, his parents would have a swarm of grandchildren already. As it was, he was their sole hope on that account. The truth was, he wanted a family too.

“Miss Eliza, am I the first to dance with you in your new dress?” Caleb asked, looking at his partner’s charming face. “I must say it is every bit as fine as I’d heard.”

“You are the first. And if you are quick to ask, you may be able to dance another with me.”

He pulled her a little closer. “I’d count myself lucky. Eliza Howell, may I have not only this dance but as many as I can properly claim?”

“I’ve promised several others a dance. But since you asked so politely, I’ll save you the last dance and any others I can find you for. You are an exceptional dancer,” Eliza said. “I’d dance with you all night if I could.”

Always she seemed to do and say the right things. “Very well, I shall look forward to the last dance. Waiting will be hard, but I’ll endure it.” He flashed a pained look at her. She compensated him with a polite giggle. “Tell me, though, is it only my excellent dancing that has you wanting me for a partner?”

Looking up at him through long lashes, she smiled. “You are bold tonight.”

A lull in the music forced them off the dance floor. Caleb kept his arm around Eliza’s waist as they made their way through the crowd, off the dance floor, and to the edge of the field.

Eliza turned to face him. “You are different tonight, asking me such questions.”

“I feel different. I hope that is not such a bad thing. But I still want my answer. Is it only my dancing you care for?”

Eliza put her hands on her hips and circled him playfully, appraising him. “Different suits you. And to answer your question, I think you are much more than a fine dancer.”

Caleb offered her his arm and the couple strolled together. “I was hoping you’d say that. When I return, will you do me the honor of accompanying me on a picnic?”

“Oh, Caleb, I would be delighted.”

“I don’t know when I’ll return, but when I do, I’ll take you out into the open prairie. I ride a lot and have seen some beautiful places.” They were near the dance floor again.

Eliza had been beautiful before. Now all her features seemed to shine in triumph. “I will be waiting anxiously for your safe return.” She cocked her head and smiled. “If you’ll excuse me.”

She squeezed his arm affectionately before darting off toward Olivia. Eliza grabbed Olivia’s arm and pulled her to the edge of the dance floor. Caleb could not hear them, but they leaned their heads in near each other and he could tell they were whispering.

Caleb hadn’t singled out a girl in such a long time. The whole ordeal made him rather jittery, a strange mix of excitement and nerves. When was the last time he’d courted a girl? Been alone with a girl? Well, he had spent time with Em. But that was different.

Where is Em? He’d forgotten all about her. Glancing around, he looked for her. She wasn’t on the dance floor or by the food. Ever since she’d promised to come, he’d been planning to introduce her to everyone. Now he wasn’t even sure where she was. While the other couples danced across the floor, lost in each other’s arms, he meandered around looking for Em.

Eliza had been dancing with Darrel, but when the music ended, she started toward him, her hips swaying as she walked. “Eliza, have you seen Em?”

She shrugged. “No, I haven’t seen her. I know she doesn’t dance. She doesn’t do a lot of things she ought to. Perhaps she is playing with Mae and Milly. Or talking with Mr. Harvel. Did you check with him? I think they would make an excellent match.”

“Why would she be with Mr. Harvel? He is twice her age and boring.” He stepped quickly away from her. “I’ll check for her by the girls.”

Em leaned her weary back against a tree. The night was slowly dragging by. Watching the couples had proved somewhat entertaining, but after watching Caleb and Eliza walk arm in arm through the trees, she wanted nothing more than to return home and sink into her bed.

A group of girls near Em’s age walked away from the dance floor and headed toward her sanctuary in the trees. She stood very still, unsure if she should make her presence known or wait in hope they walked past.

Soon they were close enough that Em could hear their conversation. A tall, red-haired girl said, “I heard she lived with a man in the woods for years. They were not married but lived like they were.”

“I heard she goes to the saloon with Silas. Why is she here? The other tainted women don’t come to the social. I’m surprised the Howells let her stay,” a plump brunette said. “It’s despicable. And the sheriff spends so much time with her. I’m sure he’s only doing his duty, but it’s not right.”

“Did you see the way Eliza’s old dresses hang on her? She’s skin and bones. Even if she did fill in, I don’t think she’d be very pretty.” Chuckling and muted snickering cut at her like daggers.

“Of course she won’t be pretty. She’ll be lucky if anyone describes her as tolerable.”

She wanted to run. Never had she expected anyone to say such hurtful things. Before waiting to hear anything else, she willed her legs to move her from the trees. As stealthily as possible, she walked away from the gossips, away from the crowd and the happy couples twirling in each other’s arms. She’d come, that’s all she had promised to do. She didn’t have to stay.

Em walked until she ended up near the children, and then she got Milly’s attention. “Milly, tell your mama I’ve gone home early. Tell her I wasn’t feeling well.”

Without waiting for the child to reply, she dashed away.

“Mrs. Anders, have you seen Em? I know she was here tonight, but I can’t find her,” Caleb inquired of Em’s employer.

Margaret, with her analytical eyes, seemed to be reading into his soul. “She told me about her commitment to come tonight. Poor girl was so nervous. She didn’t say it, but I could tell. All day she fidgeted, looking like she was in a daze.”

“I’d meant to introduce her to everyone and help her make friends,” Caleb said, guilt weighing heavy on his mind.

“But then you started dancing with Eliza and the rest of the world faded away.” Patting him on the shoulder, she said, “A pretty face can be hard to see past. Be careful, though. All faces change with time. It’s a good heart you want to be saddled with.”

Not sure what she was trying to tell him, he asked again. “Have you seen her? I have to find her.”

“I haven’t seen her in some time. She was standing back in the trees, scared as a skittish deer. But that was a good half an hour ago.”

“I’ll keep looking.” Caleb bid her a good night and continued his search.

Walking past a group of women, he heard them speak Em’s name. “That Em girl the Howells took in is nothing but a tramp. Living with a man for years. She’s a wretched sinner. And to think she has the nerve to show up at a place like this with good, respectable people. How will we ever explain such wickedness to our children?”

Rage boiled within him. How dare they say such things? None of them even knew her. She needed a friend, not this. He should have been that friend. He should have stood beside her and steadied her nerves. Shoving his hands deep into his pockets, he turned from the women and walked to Abigail.

“Have you seen Em?”

“Did you not see her? I was hoping you would. The dear girl looked so fetching tonight with her hair up. And the blue of her dress brought out her eyes.” Pointing in the direction of her home, Abigail said, “Milly just ran over and told me Em went home. Abraham and I will get the girls and follow shortly. I hate the idea of her home alone.” Abigail sighed. “I wish she’d stayed and made a few friends.”

Caleb let out his own sigh. “She does need friends. Please tell her I’m sorry I missed her tonight.”

“I’ll tell her. Be safe while you’re away. And if it’s not asking too much, would you walk Eliza home? I can send Abraham back if you’re unable.”

“I’ll see her home.”

Caleb should have enjoyed the rest of the social. Conversation never ran dry, and he’d had a partner for every dance and Eliza in his arms for the final number. She’d smiled sweetly at him, laughed at the right moments, and flirted with expertise. He’d tried hard to reciprocate the good manners, but Em was on his mind the entire time.

He felt like a cad. How could he have been so insensitive? He knew she’d been nervous. Berating himself, he felt worse as the night wore on.

Once the last note played and the final dance ended, he took Eliza’s arm and led her to the road home. His long legs set the pace as he whisked her away from the crowd.

“We needn’t hurry so. It’s such a lovely night,” Eliza said, struggling to keep up with him.

Caleb looked up at the clear sky, shook his head, and kept walking—slowing only slightly. “I have to set out early tomorrow. It’s best if I just see you straight home.”

Eliza let a disgruntled groan escape. “I wish this whole mess with Em was over. I’m sick of the whole thing. If she hadn’t shown up, you wouldn’t be leaving and we could have our picnic sooner. She’s been nothing but trouble.” Eliza pouted like a child. He half expected her to stomp her foot and cry.

Caleb didn’t say anything, but silently he thought about her words. It was true Em had come with a passel of trouble. Bandits now threatened his town. Until he apprehended them, he would not get a good night’s sleep. Even knowing what misfortune she’d brought did not change that he was glad she had come. Never would he wish her away, back to her barn and rats, back to her lonely existence. Everything in him wanted to help her. Something genuine about her drew him in. She’d changed him over the last few weeks, and he was grateful for it. Did Eliza not see any of the good in her? Did she have no compassion?

Caleb knew Eliza wanted to talk, to have his attention, by the way she tried to slow their pace. He cleared his throat, buying himself some time while he tried to think of the right thing to say. When nothing came to him, he urged her forward. “Let’s get home. We’ll have more time to talk when I get back.” He knew he sounded gruff, but he was ready for the night to end.

Once they were on the front steps of Eliza’s house, he softened his voice and said, “Take care of yourself while I’m away. I’ll look forward to seeing you when I return.”

She bid him a good night and went into the house, leaving him in the bright moonlight. For no reason at all he walked behind the house and looked at the big tree. Realizing he was looking for Em, he whispered her name into the darkness. He waited but heard nothing. He called out once more. She wasn’t there. He would have plenty of time to think of a proper apology while he was gone.