MISS DEMEANOR
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Tuesday, May 6
What lurks in the dark recesses between the sheets? What seedy devil has called forth slippery things that go buzz in the night? Corrupting our daughters and giving our sons inferiority complexes?
Those pocket-size, battery-powered criminals are infiltrating, recruiting members, making promises they can’t keep. Lock your doors and your drawers, for the esteemed board members of Lavender Oaks Central School District have brought to the foreskin forefront a grim situation, one that threatens to turn your wholesome children into a well-oiled gang of desperate, sex-crazed marauders (instead of the more typically disorganized desperate, sex-crazed marauders who go about their sex-crazed maraudery on an individual basis).
Who are these shady usurpers? These peer-pressuring, sex-positive, pleasure appliances gone bad? Undisciplined vibrators, folks. And they’re no laughing, moaning, sighing, screaming, or otherwise emoting matter.
If you’re unlucky enough to tangle with one of these pink plastic hellions, do not—I repeat—do not engage. Simply back away slowly in a nonthreatening manner and contact the authorities as soon as it is safe for you to do so.
Conversely, if you’re the type of desperate lowlife who willingly harbors such electronic dangers in the privacy of your own home and/or pants, please—for the sake of the children—DISCIPLINE YOUR VIBRATORS.
This has been a pubic public service announcement.
(Honestly. At Lav-Oaks, the shit practically writes itself these days.)
Buzz along now!
xo ~ Ciao! ~ xo
Miss Demeanor