CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

The roar of a distant car engine got louder. Ben knew not to hope this would be Megan bringing Jas back. She’d rung twenty minutes ago saying she was ‘running a little late’. And when Megan usually said ‘late’, she didn’t mean ten minutes late. He’d be lucky if he saw Jas before teatime. Megan had probably only just left the country house hotel near Stow-on-the-Wold where they’d been staying—not that her breezy message had communicated anything of the sort. He just knew.

Abruptly, the engine cut out and he dashed outside to open the garage doors. This must be Louise. He checked his watch. Yup, five minutes early. From one extreme to the other.

Louise grinned at him from inside her car as he guided her inside and closed the garage door behind her. He walked round to the driver’s window and waited as she pressed a button to wind it down. Acting on impulse, he leaned in through the open window and surprised her with a swift kiss.

The rush of endorphins he got every time he just laid eyes on her was amazing, but a long-lasting relationship took more than just feel-good chemicals whizzing round his system. While Louise wasn’t the high-maintenance woman he’d mistaken her for, she was still smarting from a recent break-up. Only a fool would rush in too quickly.

A crick in his neck forced him to draw back and let her out of the car.

‘Good morning, yourself,’ she said, smiling sweetly at him. Then she looked around. ‘Where’s Jas? I would have thought you’d have wanted to talk to her first rather than have her catching us like that.’

He grimaced. ‘Megan is running late. Very late. We have some time to ourselves.’ He tangled his fingers with hers and pulled her out of the side door of the garage and across the garden, where small patches of snow still lingered. Most of the village now was back to normal, a warm wind from the west having melted the snow in all but the shadiest of spots.

Once through the back door, he kissed her again, taking his time this time, not rushing anything. The endorphins started partying.

Louise was different this morning, calmer, more peaceful. Since Christmas Eve she’d been like a skittish horse, jumping at every little thing, sensing danger where there was none. But something had changed. He could tell it from the way she kissed and held him, from the sound of her voice, even the way she moved.

Still kissing her, he pulled her hat and scarf off and threw them in random directions. She laughed against his lips. ‘Not fair,’ she murmured. ‘You’ve only got your indoor clothes on.’

She undid the top button of her coat, but left the others fastened as she kissed him again. Everything went blurry for a bit and all he was aware of was the sweet spiciness of her perfume, the shallowness of their breathing, the pull of her fingers as they hooked into the belt loops at the back of his jeans and contracted into fists.

Then, after hesitating for a second, she ran her hands under his sweater. He flinched as her cold fingers met his warm flesh, but the sensation was anything but unpleasant. He pulled her closer and deepened the kiss. Louise responded eagerly, surprising him by sliding her hands up his back, taking the sweater with them. Cold air rushed around his torso, but his blood felt hot and slick as it pumped through his veins.

Finding it impossible to go any further without breaking lip-contact, she pulled back from him and continued to tug his top upwards. Just before she pulled it over his head, she looked him in the eyes. They stayed there like that while the kitchen clock announced the seconds.

Wordlessly, he lifted his arms over his head and she disappeared as his sweater blocked his vision. The jumper went the same way as her scarf and hat.

‘Not fair,’ he said, trying very hard not to let on he was shaking. And he didn’t think it was because he was cold. ‘You’ve still got your outdoor clothes on.’

He reached for her, first dealing with the remaining large buttons on the front of her coat and pushing it off her shoulders before stroking her face with his fingertips. That perfect bone structure might make her seem untouchable and proud, but he knew that the woman inside was soft and tender, carrying the scars of the years. He wouldn’t add to them. He promised himself that.

The teasing humour evaporated and suddenly everything felt very serious, momentous. Should he stop her now? Was she really ready for this? ‘Louise … is that what you really want, what you really need?’

Because what Louise wanted and what Louise needed might be two very different things. And they might not be the same as his wants and needs—although the needing part of the equation was making it very hard to think.

She silenced him with a kiss. ‘I don’t want to just wish and dream any more. I want it to be real.’

He kissed her fiercely, then drew back to look at her, hoping his eyes conveyed the storm surge of feeling that was crashing over him. She had to have guessed how he felt about her. It was stamped in every look he gave her, in every touch.

Her answering kiss was rich and soulful. Her fingers traced the muscles of his chest and he felt them quiver in response. ‘You are what I want, Ben. You are what I need …’

Then how could he say no? He wanted to give her everything, and he’d do anything to fill that empty hole inside of her. It was about time somebody tried. It was about time someone made her feel loved. He would. Even though it was too soon to say the words yet, he’d show her how much. He would make sure that she never doubted for a second, ever again, how rare and precious she was.

He kicked her fallen coat out of the way, picked her up and carried her straight out of the kitchen and into the hallway. His foot was on the bottom step when the doorbell rang.

‘Cooo-eee!’

Both of them froze.

He would have known that irritating little sound anywhere. Megan.

The word he wanted to say, he couldn’t, just in case Jas was standing outside and she heard it through the door.

Louise slithered out of his arms and ran back into the kitchen. Megan’s blonde head was detectable as she tried to peek through the little window in the centre of the door. Thank goodness the old glass was not only obscured with a pattern, but rippled and bowed. The bell sounded again and he jumped.

‘Ben? Is that you?’

Realising he couldn’t very well answer the door in his present state, he charged back into the kitchen and started to fight with his sweater. Why, in situations like this, did the neck hole and the armholes seem to switch places? When he’d finally popped his head out of the right opening, he ran back to the front door, yelling, ‘Just coming!’

Megan did not look impressed when he swung the door open. Jas jumped into his arms. ‘Daddy!’

‘About time too,’ Megan said, pushing past him into the hall. Never mind that she didn’t live here any more and, technically, she was supposed to wait to be asked. ‘Come along, Jasmine.’

Jas gave him one last kiss and turned to grab the handle on her roll-along case and followed her mother inside. Ben, in a fit of adrenaline, managed to slam the door, charge past his ex-wife and daughter and make it to the kitchen door first.

Megan eyed him suspiciously. ‘What are you up to, Ben?’

He ran a hand through his hair and leaned against the door jamb, blocking her way. ‘Nothing.’ The problem with priding himself of being a straight-talker was that he didn’t get much practice at lying. Megan was looking at him strangely.

‘Coffee?’ he asked, although the words felt as if they came out sideways. In the effort to maintain harmony and stability, he always offered Megan a drink when she dropped Jas home. Most times his ex was far too busy being fabulous to stop and chew the fat, but today she was showing no inclination to rush off.

‘Thanks,’ she said dryly and pushed the kitchen door open.

Louise, hat and scarf on and coat in hand, was heading for the back door when she heard the kitchen door creak open. Quickly, she turned and hung her coat on one of the overcrowded pegs. If she couldn’t disappear altogether, she was going to have to make it look as if she’d just arrived. Her skin felt hot and her cheeks were probably flushed but, hopefully, she could blame it on coming in out of the cold weather.

‘Louise!’ Jas shot into the room like a bullet and threw her arms around her middle.

‘Hey, Jas!’ she said softly.

Jasmine looked over her shoulder and shouted at the woman who had just entered with Ben. ‘Mum! Look! Louise is here!’

‘So she is.’

Ben’s ex-wife was nothing like Louise had pictured her. She’d imagined a housewifey sort, but Megan was only what could be described as a ‘yummy mummy’. Her long blonde hair fell past her shoulders and ended in a blunt, straight line, and she was wearing a designer coat, military style, pulled in tight at the waist. Her high-heeled boots made a fingernails-on-a-blackboard sort of noise as she crossed the tiled floor and offered her hand.

Louise’s jeans, jumper and clumpy fur-lined suede boots suddenly seemed rather casual. She pulled the hem of her jumper down, rumpled as it had been from being whisked into Ben’s arms. The memory was still doing odd things to her insides.

‘Hello.’ Not exactly original, but it was polite and it didn’t give too much away.

Jas, still hyperactive after a longish car journey, abruptly let go of her and dashed towards the door. ‘Dad! Wait till you see the really cool presents I got from Granny and Grandpa! Can I get them from the boot, Mum?’

Megan nodded, pulled a bunch of keys out of her pocket and threw them for Jasmine to catch. The girl’s exit left the adults in an uncomfortable silence.

‘Nice to meet you.’ Louise stepped forward and offered her hand. Megan took it, but the contact only lasted the barest of seconds.

‘Megan.’

Something about this woman reminded Louise of a cat arching with all its fur frizzed up. Somehow that made the whole situation easier. Being Toby’s wife had made her used to this kind of response from other women. She was always a threat, the enemy, never someone that they wanted to gossip over cappuccinos with.

‘I’m doing Louise’s garden for her.’

Both she and Megan turned to look sharply at Ben, who seemed to be pulling every mug he could find out of one of the kitchen cupboards.

Garden? Good one. She’d forgotten all about the garden.

‘Yes,’ she said, nodding a little too hard. ‘Ben is sorting out my rebellious garden for me … We were going to have a look at the plans.’

Don’t wince, she told herself. You were going to look at the plans today—just later. Much later.

‘Today? It’s still Christmas, the holidays.’ Megan’s voice was flat and she looked at Ben, then at Louise, then back at Ben again. Nobody moved.

Okay, the only way to get round this was to milk the rich-and-famous angle and play the I’m-a-diva-and-people-jump-when-I-snap-my-fingers card—much as she hated it. ‘Yes. I’m sure you understand, Megan. My life can be so hectic, you know, travelling all over the place …’ The silly little laugh she gave turned her own stomach. She hadn’t meant to do it; it must be the nerves. ‘Sometimes we just have to squeeze the project meetings in whenever we can.’

‘I’m sure it’ll be marvellous,’ Megan said, and Ben did a double-take and looked in astonishment at his ex-wife. ‘Ben really is very talented.’

Louise stifled a smile as, from behind Megan, Ben gave her a dry look, pointed at his ex-wife and held up a pint-sized mug up, then shook his head. Megan’s back was to him, thank goodness, so she didn’t see him reach for the smallest mug of the collection and, after giving Louise a wicked smile, spoon instant coffee into it.

Megan sat down at the kitchen table, her mouth pursed a little too tightly for Louise’s liking. ‘I must say, you’re all Jasmine has talked about while we were away.’

Louise shot a nervous look at Ben, who was now making a cup of coffee with record-breaking speed. ‘Well … Ben has brought Jasmine up to Whitehaven a couple of times. My son, Jack, is only a few years younger than her and it made sense for the children to play together while Ben was looking after the garden.’

Megan nodded and twisted to look at Ben as he plonked the mug of coffee in front of her then dropped into the seat opposite Louise, his expression guarded.

‘Well, Louise. I’m sure you’ll appreciate that you’re not the only one who leads a busy life. Ben and I have some family stuff to discuss—’ as she said ‘family’ she laid a hand on Ben’s arm ‘—so if you wouldn’t mind …’

‘Dad!’ Jasmine burst back through the kitchen door, her arms full of presents. ‘Look what I got!’

Much as Louise would have liked to walk over to Ben, slide her arm around his waist and stake her claim, this was neither the time nor the place.

Ben turned to look at Megan, an exasperated expression on his face. ‘Louise and I have an appointment. She shouldn’t have to leave.’ The words especially as you were supposed to be here at one hung in the air.

Louise stood up and did an extra knot in her scarf. ‘No, it’s okay Ben. Family stuff comes first. I’ll call you when I have an opening in my schedule. Goodbye, Jasmine … Megan.’

She collected her coat from near the back door and Ben rose and escorted her out of the kitchen and into the hall. She looked a little puzzled, but followed his lead. As she reached for the door latch, he grabbed hold of her hand. ‘Don’t go.’

She bit her lip and shook her head.

He turned her hand over, pulled it to his lips and planted a kiss into her palm. ‘Actually, you can’t go yet—not without giving away that your car is parked in my garage, which will only make Megan more suspicious.’

Okay, that was true, but she could always use the ferry and come back for her car later.

‘If you could just … I don’t know … take a walk on the beach for half an hour, I’ll see what she wants to get off her chest and I’ll call you when the coast’s clear. You do have your phone with you, don’t you?’

She nodded. This was getting sticky, complicated, just as she’d feared when Ben had only been a daydream. That was the problem with reality. It was so … messy. She ought to take the ferry and leave them alone. But she found herself nodding and heading for the beach anyway.

Ben closed the door behind Louise and then pressed his face against the little window to watch her disjointed shape walk down the garden path. There were some days when he regretted not being able to make his marriage work, but today certainly was not one of them.

Whatever he did for Megan was never enough. It never had been.

When she’d left him, he’d felt empty. Not really because he missed her—by then he’d been too exhausted to feel anything but regret on Jas’s behalf. No, the emptiness had been more a sense of being bled dry. He was a pretty decent bloke, he thought, and he’d put his heart and soul into his marriage but, in the end, he’d had to accept that his best had not been enough.

Megan had wanted more. She’d been so needy—he could see that now. Blindly, he’d thought he could help her grow, be the foundation that she could build on. But she was the sort of woman who needed constant attention, constant flattering, and he just hadn’t been skilled at that. It had been like feeding a gaping hole that had never been satisfied.

He scrubbed his face with his hands and headed back to the kitchen. It was going to take all his energy for the next half hour to make nice and hear what her latest gripe was without telling her to get over herself.

The young woman he’d married, who’d been fragile but full of promise, had not blossomed into the strong and confident mother he’d thought she would. She was still full of all the same insecurities. And what little confidence she possessed hadn’t grown into self-esteem, but had hardened into self-involvement. She was the world’s axis, and heaven help anyone who didn’t agree with her.

When he re-entered the kitchen, he was disappointed to discover that her coffee mug was still mostly full. He sat down beside her.

‘What’s so urgent?’

She gave him a withering look. ‘Thank you, Ben. I had a lovely Christmas. How about you?’

‘Dad? Look at this journal … It’s got an electronic lock and a password. I can keep all my private stuff in here. Mum says it’ll help me grow emotionally to keep a diary.’

Ben resisted the urge to growl. ‘It’s lovely, Jas.’

Placated, his daughter started to flick through the book, full of all about me pages. He’d really like to ‘lose’ that diary after Christmas. The last thing he wanted was for his ex to pass on the message to their daughter that life was all about her.

Turning back to Megan, he raised his eyebrows. She glanced at Jasmine, then motioned for him to join her on the other side of the kitchen. Too cloak-and-dagger for him, but it was easier to play along than have a row in front of Jasmine. He hauled himself back out of the chair and followed her, hoping that filling in the diary would command one hundred percent of Jas’s attention.

Megan’s idea of ‘subtle’ was talking in a stage whisper.

‘I want Jasmine to come and live with me.’

He shook his head. No way. They’d decided all of this when Megan had moved out. Jas needed to stay in Lower Hadwell for school, for continuity. It had been Megan’s idea to up and move to Totnes, South Devon’s new age hotspot, to ‘discover’ herself. He didn’t like the idea of Jas being influenced by all of that mumbo-jumbo at such a young age. And some of Megan’s friends …

Megan’s voice rose. ‘She’s going to be a teenager soon. I think a girl that age needs her mother close by.’

The rustling noises reaching from the kitchen table stopped.

He grabbed his ex-wife by the arm and propelled her out of the kitchen. Megan forgot her stage whisper and protested loudly.

‘Pity you didn’t think she needed a mother when you upped and left us.’

She ran a hand through her long hair. ‘I realise what a mistake that was now, and it’s time to put it right.’

‘Right for whom?’

Not for him, not even for Jasmine. This was all about what Megan wanted, about what was good for Megan.

‘Dad?’ A nervous shout came from inside the kitchen.

Still fixing Megan with his fiercest stare, he yelled back, ‘I’ll be right there, Jellybean.’

‘Yes, that’s right, Ben. Take the easy way out, run away from the main issue.’

Lord, he really wanted to grab this woman by the shoulders and shake her.

‘Megan,’ he said from between clenched teeth. ‘Wouldn’t it have been more appropriate to discuss this on our own, somewhere Jasmine couldn’t hear us?’

She made a gesture he could only describe as a flounce. ‘It should be her decision, you know.’

Give him strength! ‘We are not doing this now! Okay? You are going to collect your handbag, say goodbye to your daughter and leave. And I will phone you during the week so we can discuss this properly.’

Megan glared at him. ‘Fine.’ She stalked into the kitchen, followed his suggestions to the letter—which had to be a first—slamming the front door behind her. She was going to stew on this for days, he just knew it. Which was only going to make the coming negotiations worse, but how could he let Jas overhear? She’d witnessed enough rows already.

As he headed back into the kitchen he heard the screech of tyres in the lane.

Well, that ought to put any of her ridiculous ideas that he was still carrying a torch for her to rest. And about time too.

Louise put her phone away. The coast was clear. Although, from the sound of it, it would be better to leave father and daughter to some quality time this evening. Despite Ben’s protests, she’d insisted she was merely returning to collect her car then she’d be on her way.

She stepped over the low wooden fence that separated the lane from the stony beach and headed back towards Ben’s cottage. Only a moment later, she had to flatten herself against the hedge as a flashy four-wheel drive hurtled towards her.

Megan was in the driving seat, and she looked like she’d just sucked a whole pound of lemons. The car slowed briefly as she spotted Louise. At first, Megan’s face registered surprise, but when she got closer her face contorted and she gunned the engine, leaving Louise coughing on exhaust fumes.