CHAPTER [2]
ACCEPTING THE TRUTH
Denial is fear-based reaction to adversity that prevents you from seeing, accepting, and moving beyond the truth of your situation.
Denial is the conscious or unconscious avoidance of reality. When the going gets tough, we put on the proverbial rose-colored glasses to soften the harshness of our reality. But when facing difficult circumstances like death or divorce, it is especially important to learn how to deal with what is rather than getting stuck in a what was frame of mind. We need to keep moving forward, with our eyes wide open.
Our journey here on earth is one of constant, lifelong learning. Those who embrace life and take risks may face adversity, but the potential returns include freedom, opportunity, and fulfillment.
We take a risk every time we enter a relationship, especially a relationship that leads to wedding vows. All but the blissfully naive understand there are no guarantees in life, so when we offer or accept an invitation to marry, we assume the risks. Life is always a balance between risk and reward, and with the wonderful reward of marriage comes the risk of divorce, a risk most of us are willing to take.
Often, though, when our best-laid plans go horribly awry—when our optimistic visions of “happily ever after” turn sour—we become resentful. We let fear flood our lives. And we default to the most well-worn of all defense mechanisms: denial.
Denial’s strategy is straightforward and insidious: What we do not allow ourselves to see, we do not have to deal with. Fear is its underpinning. Fear of the unknown.
“Everything points to the fact that my husband is having an affair? Nonsense! There’s a logical, innocuous explanation for all of it. Now, let’s take those silly suspicions and sweep them under the carpet.”
Denial is difficult to move out of because doing so means seeing things you’re desperately afraid to look at. But you may take it from someone who learned the hard way: Denial is completely disempowering; it effectively prevents any kind of positive movement forward.
If, on the other hand, you open your eyes and allow yourself not only to see but to accept the truth, you can surely deal with it.
I floundered in denial about my partner’s infidelity for more than a year, all that time enduring enormous emotional pain and allowing my self-esteem to suffer. I simply wouldn’t allow myself to see the truth: that my husband’s affections had moved elsewhere, and that our marriage was dead in the water. I was blinded by fear.
For a long time, I regarded the end of my marriage as a personal failure. It wasn’t. The simple truth is that people change. My ex-husband and I just happened to have changed and were running away from each other in different directions.
Compounding the challenge is the fact that denial is systemic. We continue to live in denial at all levels—legal, governmental, political. We live in denial about world poverty, about war and conflict, about the health of Mother Earth. We also live in denial about our attitudes toward divorce and infidelity.
Breaking free from denial is by no means easy, and it’s something you may not be able to do on your own. Usually, you must look to those you love and trust to help you see the reality of your situation.
In truth, though, most people can deal with reality, no matter how harsh it may be. Compared to the woes human beings through the centuries have proven themselves capable of enduring, a divorce, even a particularly messy one, seems but a trifling matter.
Trust in the old saying “We are never handed anything we cannot handle.”
Humans are survivors by nature, and time really does heal most wounds, no matter how deep the cuts. Yes, many such wounds leave scars for life, but what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, and most people carry on after a divorce and find happiness in some context.
Freeing yourself from denial is the first important step in a healthy and fruitful transition through your divorce.