CHAPTER [5]

BECOMING PROACTIVE

Every action or reaction has consequences, both short-term and long. Being reactive, which involves acting without due consideration of the consequence, diminishes your ability to influence outcomes.

Self-help author Brian Tracy writes, “You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you.”

For the most part, you are powerless over other people—their attitudes, their emotions, their behaviors. Of the factors that influence your future, all but a small fraction reside well beyond your sphere of influence.

The only things you can control with absolute certainty are your own attitudes, emotions, and behaviors, all of which directly impact your life tomorrow. Your response to every situation, even where seemingly minor matters are concerned, directly shapes your future.

If you want to change future outcomes, you need to change your attitudes, emotions, and behaviors today.

Isaac Newton’s third law—the Law of Reciprocal Actions—teaches us that in the physical world, every action has an equal but opposite reaction.

A similar precept holds true in the world of human relationships: Every reaction has an outcome, and every outcome spawns another reaction. The cycle is endless: reaction, consequence, reaction, consequence, reaction, consequence, and so on.

Many respected authors and thought leaders have explored this notion of “re-action.” In The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz discusses the power of our words: Every word we utter to another has impact—sometimes positive, often negative. To underestimate this power is a shame; to misuse or abuse it is a crime.

Unfortunately, the traditional system of divorce, where rival parties scramble to get the upper hand on one another in the legal proceedings, creates a climate of reactivity. Such a state renders us powerless as reactivity precludes the active shaping of a positive future.

When we are operating in reactive mode, we respond to people and situations without due consideration of the consequences of our responses. Our reactions are knee-jerk. Our decisions lack prudence. Our words are ill-considered.

You can typically tell when you’re being reactive: It generally sets off a rush of adrenaline, a racing heartbeat, or some other symptom of panic. You experience a swell of second-guessing. And you feel completely out of control.

If you’ve been stuck in reactive mode and things turn out well, that’s just dumb luck. They usually don’t.

Reactivity breeds chaos, and chaos is a terrible place to spend your days. If we can be empowered in such a way that we understand the difference between being reactive and being active, we can enjoy a measure of control over our outcomes and, more importantly, be accountable to them. I try hard to instill this lesson in my children, so that they can dodge the dire mistakes their mother made.

Acting without anticipation of consequence is very different from anticipating and understanding the outcomes of your actions before you act. Being proactive during your divorce will minimize the emotional fallout and financial repercussions.