CHAPTER [6]
ESTABLISHING HEALTHY BOUNDARIES
Unhealthy boundaries hinder you from making prudent decisions that serve your own best interests.
Simply put, a lack of boundaries involves a failure to recognize or to respect where you end and others begin. People who lack healthy boundaries find themselves obsessed, often in futile ways, with trying to impose order on their own lives by controlling other people’s attitudes and actions.
A symptom of codependence, poorly defined boundaries are common in relationships that involve addictions (not only to alcohol or drugs but to work, sex, cleanliness, control). The codependent believes that if only he or she tries hard enough or nags long enough or screams loud enough, the addict will reform. There is an utter lack of acceptance that we are, in the end, powerless over other people.
Part and parcel of unhealthy boundaries are the following beliefs and behaviors:
• A tendency to borrow and internalize other people’s values and belief systems
• A tendency to take on other people’s pain, and to take the blame for it
• Trusting others before you trust yourself
• Looking to others for approval
• Knowing something to be true (e.g., an affair), but allowing others to deny your intuition and convince you otherwise
• Low self-esteem
• Negative self-talk
• Internalizing your perceptions of other people’s opinions toward you
• Saying yes when you want to say no.
On the flip side of the coin are people with healthy boundaries. They have the confidence to say no and to not feel guilty about it. They possess a self-understanding that allows them to trust themselves, even when their convictions fly in the face of what others (like a soon-to-be ex-spouse) are telling them. With healthy boundaries, you can discern what’s in your own best interest and act on that knowledge.
If either or both of the parties in a relationship lack healthy boundaries, the relationship will be to some degree dysfunctional. The fewer the boundaries, the greater the dysfunction.
They’re also prerequisite to individual happiness, self-actualization, and understanding (and fulfilling) your purpose in life. After all, how can you be truly happy if your sense of self-worth is externally defined?
I have had numerous conversations with experts about the ability of a marriage to survive one partner’s infidelity. Most are strong in their view that if the offending partner is ready and willing to change and to do whatever it takes to reestablish a climate of trust, then yes, survival of the marriage is a possibility.
When you’re rebuilding a relationship after an affair, especially one that’s gone on for an extended period, it’s entirely reasonable to expect the offending partner to be available by cell phone 24/7 (unless he or she is in a meeting with the boss or is having a fluoride treatment at the dentist), to be willing and able to account for every second of every day, and to humbly answer every question or concern, no matter how uncomfortable it is or how ridiculously suspicious it seems.
It’s so clear to me now that the scenario above has two possible outcomes:
1. The offending spouse plays by the rules. The cell phone stays on and slowly, over time, trust is rebuilt.
2. The offending partner flouts the rulebook. The suspicious partner calls the cell phone and gets a “This customer is currently unavailable” message with no prior warning or verifiable explanation. With clarity of mind comes the only healthy response: “This is a broken promise and a show of disrespect. To forgive or excuse this breaking of the rules would be to condone it. Clearly, my partner cannot commit to doing what needs to be done. It’s time for me to follow through on the consequences we both agreed to.”
There is, of course, a third possibility, but it comes from a place of fear and a sense of self-worthlessness: “What have I done to cause this? What am I doing wrong? I know I promised myself I’d leave if any of the rules were broken, but that seems so harsh. I’m only going to offer one last chance, though. …”
Failure to keep your promises to yourself quickly turns your messy life into an even messier one. And by not holding others accountable to the rules and to their promises, you diminish your boundaries even further.
People with healthy boundaries have a clear internal locus of control that guides them in making loving decisions without the fear of losing someone or something. They understand and accept the limits of their influence.
INTO ACTION
Since launching Fairway Divorce Solutions, I’ve helped hundreds of divorcing couples reach resolution on their assets and their children using The Fairway Process.
Although this process cannot erase the sadness and pain that attends the dissolution of a once-loving relationship, it dramatically reduces the time, costs, and emotional toll on adults and children alike.
To show you exactly how it works, I’m about to introduce you to the Cunninghams, whom you’ll follow through The Fairway Process from beginning to end.
Although the Cunninghams are fictional, their characters, their situation, and the issues with which they’re struggling are drawn from commonalities among the hundreds of clients I’ve worked with. They are, in every respect, a “typical” divorcing couple.
Here in Part I, the Cunninghams embark on The Fairway Process and work through some of the emotional fallout from their breakup.
In Part II, you’ll follow the Cunninghams as they work toward resolution on their financial issues, and in Part III, they’ll contend with the question of the kids.