I usually see people at the worst time of their lives. But that’s okay because I know there is hope.

My assistant rings me in my office. The Cunninghams, Adam and Carolyn, are waiting in reception.

She tells me a bit about them. Married 20 years. Three kids. First marriage—and first divorce—for both.

Stepping from my office at the end of the hall, I see the Cunninghams before they see me.

Adam appears to be in his late forties—tall and reasonably fit, with dark hair just starting to gray around the temples. Carolyn, a few years his junior, has an air of vivacity about her. Sassy auburn hair frames fine features and large brown eyes, and her sporty outfit is a perfect fit on her slim frame. They make a very attractive couple—on the outside at least.

They are sitting apart, silently inspecting different parts of the wall. Fidgeting uneasily with his trouser legs, the husband looks plainly like he’d rather be anywhere else but here.

His wife, by contrast, looks like she simply can’t wait to get started.

Breaking the toxic silence, I greet the Cunninghams, introduce myself, and walk them into Fairway’s meeting room. We sit.

As always, I take a few moments to feel the energy in the room. This is an approach I’ve used in business for many years, one that saves many wasted words with no real meaning or impact. Talk less, listen more, and not just with your ears but with your intuition. With a newly divorcing couple, the energy in the room is very tangible, and it speaks volumes.

Adam, I sense, is caustically angry, while Carolyn is trying hard (and generally succeeding) to appear confident and together.

Having worked with hundreds of couples, my intuition is usually spot on with respect to where people are at emotionally. Almost invariably, one of the parties in a divorcing couple is far ahead of the other in coming to terms with the end of the marriage. One will be focused on moving forward and making transitions; the other will be stuck in the past, seething with resentments and wallowing in self-pity, unable to consider any transition.

I can tell right away: Adam’s the one having a hard time coming to terms with the ending of the marriage.

[KEY INSIGHTS]

One thing that makes divorce difficult, apart from the millions of more obvious other things, is the need to find one outcome with two people whose perceptions and emotions are worlds apart.

However, I like couples to know that this is perfectly normal. It’s important to just be where you are and not get distracted by where your soon-to-be ex is at.

That said, after the decision to divorce has been made, there’s zero profit in dwelling on the past and what went wrong (the very thing the traditional system does so well). It is far more sensible to become future-focused, asking yourself “What can I do to create the future I want?” (Easier said than done, I know, but this book will give you tools to make it happen.)

To stay stuck in what was is to play the victim. What is and what will be are the only things you have any control over. Right now, choose to trust that a beautiful future is waiting for you. The journey ahead is filled with great lessons. If you embrace them openly and even with gratitude (as difficult as that may seem right now), your future will begin to unfold gracefully, free from anger, pain, and sorrow.

After a short exchange of pleasantries, I lead with my usual first question: “So, apart from the obvious, what brings you to Fairway Divorce Solutions?”

Carolyn answers for both of them. “We’ve both talked to lawyers, but we’re really reluctant to go down that road. We’ve seen a lot of friends spend a lot of money on lawyers, usually for outcomes that neither one of them was happy with.”

“We’d like to work with someone who’ll act in our best interests,” adds Adam, “someone who’s striving for a fair outcome instead of a fat paycheque. Carolyn got your name from a colleague who worked with Fairway a few months back. Claire McQueen.”

I nod knowingly. Several months ago, I brought Claire and her husband to a quick and mutually agreeable resolution of their divorce. The McQueens appeared satisfied with the outcomes of their divorce process, which took a little over three months.

Carolyn continues. “Claire said you’ve developed a different approach to divorce—a system that keeps lawyers and judges and courtrooms out of the negotiating process.”

“That’s correct,” I say. “We use lawyers to finalize the paperwork at the end, but with Fairway, the entire negotiating process proceeds without lawyers.”

“One of my racquetball buddies is a lawyer,” says Adam. “I asked him if he knew anything about your company, because I wanted to know, going in, what kind of firm you are. He suggested I give you a call.”

“We get a lot of referrals from lawyers. Just not matrimonial lawyers.”

“We really just want to get this over and done with,” says Carolyn, eager to move on. “And we don’t want to hurt the kids or lose everything in the process.”

In an effort to keep Adam Cunningham distracted from his anger and engaged in the process, I direct my next question to him.

“Why don’t you tell me a little bit about your situation, Adam. Do you have any children?”

“Yes, three. Our eldest, Cameron, is 15. He’ll be starting high school in September. We also have twin daughters, Sarah and Christina. They’re 11. All three attend a private school.”

Carolyn Cunningham interjects. “Our greatest concern in all this is the kids. You hear so many stories about children from broken homes—how it messes them up emotionally.”

“Yes,” I say, “divorce can be messy, and its impact on children can be profound—something I can certainly attest to. But children are stronger than we often give them credit for. Through the new approach I’ve developed, children learn to accept the inevitability of change and to move through it with their self-esteem intact, just like their parents do.

“How are Cameron, Sarah, and Christina handling the situation so far?” I ask.

“We haven’t told them about the divorce,” Carolyn answers, “but they can probably sense that something’s up, especially Cameron. He’s been more distracted from his schoolwork than usual, and he’s really been keeping to himself.”

[KEY INSIGHTS]

Children are hyper-intuitive. Try as we might to hide the truth from them, they generally know exactly what’s going on.

Your children will sense something’s wrong and may ask you about it. To think you’re protecting their emotional well-being by assuring them nothing’s wrong is to stumble into a trap laid with irony. In an effort to avoid burdening children with the problems of their parents, we deny their own intuition, which is an even greater burden that becomes more difficult to shed the older they get. It’s little wonder so many adult children of divorce are out of touch with their intuition: Their parents failed repeatedly to validate their children’s suspicions, and they repeatedly denied their children’s right to know what was going on.

Mind you, it’s just as important not to tell children too much. Simply answer their questions honestly, letting them know that what they believe to be true really is true. But you don’t need to “fill in the blanks.”

To this point, the Cunninghams have been in perfect alignment. Both want to get quickly through their divorce; they want it to have the least possible impact on their children; and they don’t want to lose their shirts in the process.

It’s with my next question that this unanimity begins to unravel.

“Can you tell me briefly why you’re seeking a divorce?”

“Why don’t you ask Carolyn?” Adam snaps quickly, his tone and his angry eyes laced with spite.

“Very well,” says Carolyn. “I will.” With an almost detached calmness, Carolyn tells me a story I’ve heard 100 times before: “We just grew apart. Adam’s work consumes so much of him, there’s nothing left for me. I’ve been telling him for years—”

Adam cuts her off abruptly. “Let’s get real, Carolyn. Tell Karen the real reason we’re here—that you’re having an affair with your tennis pro!”

“I wouldn’t have had a goddamn affair if my husband wasn’t addicted to his work,” Carolyn retorts icily.

“Sorry if I was providing for our family and building for our future. Apparently that gave you the right to go screwing around with another guy.”

In an effort to steer the conversation away from blaming and to assess each party’s readiness to forge ahead with The Fairway Process, I ask a crucial question.

“Whatever the reasons, do you both agree that your marriage is over?”

[KEY INSIGHTS]

Traditionally, the signing of the so-called “divorce papers” has signified the end of a marriage, so that the entire divorce process, whether it takes a few months or many years, is seen as a gradual winding down or, perhaps more aptly, a gradual falling to pieces.

From my perspective—a perspective that I believe is necessary if people wish to get through the process quickly and with a minimum of emotional pain—a marriage is over the moment they decide to divorce. Both parties in a divorcing couple need to become now- and future-focused.

The question seems to take both of them by surprise. They hesitate, look at each other, then look back at me. “Um, I don’t think we have any other choice,” says Adam. “Too much damage has been done.

“Which is really sad,” he continues, “because we’d just gotten to a point in life where we have everything we’ve always wanted. I was devastated initially when I found out about the affair. It felt like someone was sliding a knife up and down my gut. I spent a lot of sleepless nights and prayed for Carolyn to wake up and stop this nonsense. I was willing to put the pieces back together considering all the good we once had and how much we had to lose. But Carolyn was not at that place. I think her decision to step outside our marriage was her final decision to leave. I get that now and while this causes great pain, I at least get it and I have had enough—I am tired and ready to get on with it.”

How often have I heard this? A couple spends their lives working toward certain targets—a big house, a Mercedes-Benz, a summer cottage, and buckets of cash in the bank—and then BOOM, their marriage implodes. With no goals left to hold them together, their relationship falls quickly to pieces.

“I agree,” says Carolyn, with considerably less composure than when she first came in, “it is sad. I understand that Adam was hurt about the affair but I had a lot of pain too and I am still angry so while he makes it like I was the bad guy that is not fair. I did what I did because I felt at my wit’s end. So can we please just get on with it.”

With genuine empathy, I continue. “Adam, Carolyn, I know this isn’t pleasant. And I know that the door marked DIVORCE is a nasty portal to pass through. But having acknowledged that your divorce is a fait accompli, there are really only two matters that need your full attention: the money and the kids.

“In The Fairway Process, we keep these two important matters completely separate. Nothing’s worse than seeing children used as pawns in a couple’s disputes over houses and cars. While no one ever intends for that to happen, the lack of structure within the traditional system makes it all but impossible to keep the two issues separate. The kids typically find themselves in the middle of a vicious tug-of-war.

[KEY INSIGHTS]

Emotions play havoc with the decision-making process, which is a key reason the traditional system of divorce (where negative emotions are allowed to run rampant and unchecked) is so profoundly ineffective. Decisions concerning money and children need to stand the test of time, yet emotion-driven decisions tend to be impulsive and shortsighted.

This does not mean you should deny or repress your emotions. Rather, manage your emotions outside of the decision-making process with the help of counselors, coaches, spiritual advisors, self-help books, or any other system of support that works for you.

“With respect to the money, then, what do you suppose needs to happen?”

“That’s simple,” says Adam, totally engaged now. “We need to decide who gets what.”

“That’s right,” I say. “Everything you own—your home, your business, your vehicles, your jewelry—they’re all pieces of the asset pie that needs to be divided. The real beauty of The Fairway Process is that the asset pie is divided only between Adam and Carolyn Cunningham, fairly and equitably, without big fees. Let’s face it: Divorce costs and it hurts financially. But splitting up what the two of you had together takes enough of a financial toll. You certainly want to split your assets in half, not thirds or fourths.”

Carolyn Cunningham nods understandingly. So does Adam. Suddenly, they’re back to agreeing.

I ask the Cunninghams for a run-down of their major assets, which Adam summarizes for me: “A large home, recently valued at $625,000. A summer cottage. Two vehicles. A time-share. A membership at the Hillside Club. Roughly half a million in retirement funds. My pension. And Carolyn’s catering business.”

“Which doesn’t make a lot of money,” Carolyn adds quickly, which is my first clue that she’s likely going to undervalue her ability to make money or be territorial over the matter of her business.

“The hell it doesn’t,” Adam shoots back. “You netted nearly 100 grand last year, and you’d do a heck of a lot better if you put more hours into it.”

I cut in quickly, knowing I’ve got as much information as I need for now. “Let’s not worry about that right now. Let’s talk instead about The Fairway Process, and how it deals with exactly the thing we’ve been seeing here today—emotions that are running high, and perceptions that are very, very different.

“If you’re like most, your divorce will be one of the most difficult times of your life. Emotions can get the better of you: It’s as if you can go from fear to anger to love to hate to sorrow to resentment in the course of a single conversation. That is not a place for making grounded, intelligent decisions, and yet you have to make them.

“In fact, there are few times when you’ll be making more important decisions than those you need to make during your divorce. Each decision needs to be based on a comprehensive understanding of the ‘now,’ and it must consider every implication for the future. For this to happen, you need to be in a place where you feel safe and somewhat secure and where you can make educated, empowered decisions. There is no room in this strategic process for firing accusatory affidavits back and forth, or threats of any nature, for that matter.

“Take me, for instance. I pride myself on being financially savvy and having lots of common sense. But barrage me with affidavits accusing me of everything under the sun and you create a four-year, $500,000 legal battle. And those were just my fees. There’s no telling how much my ex spent.

“The Fairway Process ensures that what happened to me and so many others will not happen to you.”

[KEY INSIGHTS]

Very rarely do two people start out saying, “We want a divorce. And in the process, we want to destroy everything we’ve worked for—our net worth, our home, our children, our businesses, each other, and any chance of co-parenting or even being civil toward one another ever again. Yes, that sounds empowering and a whole lot of fun. Sign us up!” Yet that is exactly what you sign up for when you hire a lawyer and start pouring emotionally charged perceptions into affidavits. As a judge once said to me, once words are put into an affidavit and filed with the courts, there’s no taking them back, and there’s little hope of rebuilding the relationship, even for co-parenting. Not only is this sad, it’s simply unnecessary, even if you think your spouse is totally in the wrong. You are both human and you both make human mistakes.

Both Adam and Carolyn nod. “We’ve heard lots of stories like that,” says Carolyn. “So many of our divorced friends will no longer speak to one another and neither one started out thinking that would be the outcome.”

I now begin to share with the Cunninghams the specifics of The Fairway Process.

“As Claire might have told you, this is the last time I’ll meet with both of you together.”

Adam and Carolyn glance at one another and share a look I’ve seen many times before, a look of relief shot through with sadness.

I continue, “This eliminates bias and removes emotion from important decision making. The Fairway Process promises four key outcomes, which are nicely represented by the word SANE:

S = Save money

A = Accelerate time lines

N = Nurture the children

E = Eliminate emotional chaos and empower you

“With your permission, I’d like to conclude this meeting by telling you a bit about each of these four cornerstones. May I?”

“Absolutely,” says Carolyn, and Adam nods his assent.

“Very well,” I say. “Let’s begin with S.”

S = SAVE MONEY

“As I expressed earlier, there’s simply no way around the simple fact that divorce costs money. Whenever you split one household into two, there are significant costs. Whether you have hundreds, thousands, or millions, it still stings. But the process itself should not take an even larger bite out of your wealth. Holding tight to what you’ve worked so hard to acquire isn’t being greedy. It’s being sensible.

“You’ll recall that in most divorces there are only two important issues: money and children. So you’re probably wondering if there are so few issues to resolve, why has divorce traditionally been such a time-consuming, costly, and vicious ordeal?

“I’ll tell you why: emotion.

“The emotions that arise when a husband and wife are in the throes of divorce make mountains of molehills and turn simple matters into impossible obstacles, especially when it comes to division of assets. Rarely, in divorce, does a dollar on one side equal a dollar on the other.

“To illustrate what I mean, consider a house. Given the ease of obtaining a realtor’s appraisal, you’d think it would be pretty easy to settle on the value of a house. Yet of all the couples I’ve worked with—hundreds of them—fewer than 5 percent have ever agreed on the value of their house. Here’s why:

“Let’s say the wife in a crumbling marriage decides she wants the house. ‘I raised my children in this house,’ she says. ‘It’s filled to the brim with happy memories. I simply won’t give it up.’

“‘Fine,’ say her husband and his lawyer. ‘It’s worth $475,000. Now we want an equal allotment of assets in return.’

“‘Actually,’ say the wife and her lawyer by way of a letter several days later, ‘you can have the house. We’ve decided we want the cottage and the retirement savings instead.’

“‘Very well,’ reply the husband and his lawyer, who had put a premium on the house because they knew how much the wife wanted it. ‘But upon closer inspection, the house is clearly worth no more than $350,000. It needs a new roof, the kitchen has never been updated, and the neighbors are letting their property run down.’ And so begins another round of fruitless bickering.”

[KEY INSIGHTS]

The traditional system of divorce revolves around (and around and around) the process of “position bargaining.” In this reactive, defensive posturing, the opposing parties take positions on the value of particular assets and then maneuver to ensure they get what they want. The process amounts to little more than asset grabbing, which looks a lot like preschool children fighting for the same toy out on the playground.

The problem with position bargaining is easy to see: Values that have no business being anything but fixed become totally fluid. It’s remarkable how fast the value of an asset can change depending on whose side of the balance sheet it’s sitting in!

In the end, position bargaining pays, but only if you’re a lawyer. For the rest of us, it’s a terrible drain of money and time. The arguments that ensue over the value of each asset devour fees faster than a Minotaur devours sacrificial virgins. What’s worse, position bargaining typically prevents participants from seeing other, often better solutions that could, over the long term, put more money in their pockets.

“The solution—Fairway’s solution—is to apply a system that ensures issues are addressed and assets are divided in a practical, irrefutable, mutually agreeable way.

“Because The Fairway Process follows a pragmatic, step-by-step approach to resolution, it is possible to charge a flat fee that keeps most of your money in your own pockets. That’s a stark contrast to the traditional system, whose lawyers will tell you there are no guarantees and no way to know how much your divorce will cost or how long it will take.”

[KEY ACTIONS]

Whatever service or expertise you use, insist on a flat fee. Determine at the outset what the deliverables will be and who is accountable for what. Do not leave your future in the hands of anyone who is not attached to the outcome.

“At Fairway, we understand that there is one best outcome for both of you. Using our Independently Negotiated Resolution Process, we’ll get you to a fair, win-win outcome.”

“Sorry,” says Carolyn, “the independent resolution what?”

“The Independently Negotiated Resolution Process. It’s a proprietary system developed by Fairway Divorce Solutions, where each member of a divorcing couple works through the entire Fairway Process independently of his or her partner.”

At this point, Adam Cunningham chimes in. “What you’re saying about asset division and position bargaining makes sense, but I’m not clear why we have to be separated in the negotiating process. Wouldn’t things proceed more quickly if we came together for the negotiations, like in mediation?”

“Mediation works well in matters of business,” I tell him, “but not so well in matters of the heart.

“Think of all the things that cause marriages to break down. Communication problems. Power struggles. A growing tendency to push one another’s buttons.

“Now bring that together in a room with a mediator who likely knows next to nothing about the couple’s financial details or parenting plans. How likely are they to arrive at a quick and equitable resolution?

“Ever since I started negotiating divorces, and for 15 years before that as a family financial advisor, I have clearly seen that married couples—even happily married ones—rarely see eye to eye on matters, and one party almost always has more power in a given area than the other. When they’re divorcing, these imbalances of power get magnified many times over. It becomes a game of control, manipulation, and mistrust.

“How, then, can you expect two people who are getting a divorce, who are pushing each other’s buttons, who don’t share an equal understanding of the numbers, and who no longer trust one another to reasonably address major issues and settle on outcomes that serve the best interests of both? Except in rare situations, it simply doesn’t work.

“The Fairway Process overcomes all the problems that make mediation so impractical. A single negotiator takes each party through the process, and they arrive at a consensus independently of each other. Although both parties come to one final outcome, the paths they take to get there will be entirely different. Think of two roads that lead to the same destination. One may be a straight highway with one or two rest stops along the way, the other a winding gravel road with hairpin turns that need to be taken nice and slow. Though each journey is very different, they both lead the travelers to the same destination—a happy and comfortable outcome.”

[KEY INSIGHTS]

An effective divorce process makes allowances for individual differences, and it recognizes that in the journey toward divorce, each person follows a different path.

With The Fairway Process of Independently Negotiated Resolution, you can follow the path that suits you best, confident that a trusted negotiator will be with you along the way to ensure you never stop making forward progress toward your destination.

And when you get there, you’ll rest easy in knowing you chose the destination and did not have it imposed upon you by a busy family-court judge.

A = ACCELERATE TIME LINES

“Some experts in the field of psychology suggest that divorce is more difficult than dealing with a spouse’s death because it comes with so many endings and beginnings and with so much turmoil that it seems to go on and on forever.

“This is the reason for The Fairway Process way of thinking,” I explain to the Cunninghams.

[KEY INSIGHTS]

Move through your divorce as quickly as you can. Make smart, well-informed decisions and plan for your future without delay. Do not procrastinate, and avoid the temptation to hold out for better deals. Remember, “A bird in the hand. …”

And again, keep emotions out of the decision-making process. If you find that emotions are infringing on your ability to stay focused, seek outside help.

Do whatever you can to get things and keep things moving forward. Work only with a team ready to tell you what you need to hear (not necessarily what you want to hear) and willing to commit to a time line and a process.

“Hold on,” says Adam. “Isn’t there any truth in the old adage, ‘Haste makes waste’?”

“In other matters, yes,” I tell him. “But you can’t apply everyday logic to matters of divorce. As the traditional system so deftly proves, the longer you spend in the process, the greater the waste.

“I’ve seen it over and over again: If people aren’t focused on resolution—if they’re not being taken step by step through a process that addresses key issues in a timely fashion—they’ll stray into anger, resentment, and financial stress. Even if you manage to stay focused, your divorce is going to preoccupy your mind and drain your energy until all is said and done. It’s going to interfere with your career, your relationships, your health, everything. It really is best to resolve the issues quickly.

“I like to see all key decisions made within a few months. It may take longer if there’s a need for business valuations and the like, but in any case, it’s best to get things done before the process gets derailed. And trust me, there are plenty of things that try to sneak in and derail the process—new relationships, financial hardships, fear, procrastination.

“That said, you do need to make sure all the important questions are posed and answered. We need not only to take a snapshot of the present and determine how to handle the money and the kids, but we need to plan for your future. ‘Failing to plan is a plan to fail.’

“You’re going to become single parents, and you’ll both be managing a newly altered family on your own. Carolyn, you probably have fear about money and are wondering if you can make it on your own. Adam, you’re likely wondering if you’ll have to work until you drop to support everyone. You’re wondering if you’ll be ‘taken to the cleaners’ and Carolyn, you’re wondering if you’ll even be able to afford the cleaners.”

I can see by their faces that I’ve hit the nail on the head. “I’m not psychic,” I tell them. “I’ve just worked with so many couples, and while the details are always different, the issues tend to be very similar.”

I remind them that many have walked this path before them. “You are not alone.”

[KEY INSIGHTS]

Even while moving quickly through your divorce, it’s crucial that you ask and find answers to all the relevant questions. Above all, you want to make sure that five or 10 years after your divorce, you won’t find yourself saying, “If only I had known …” or “If only I’d asked. …”

The Fairway Process makes sure all the necessary questions are asked so your plan can encompass all the answers and you can move through your divorce empowered in your own way.

“My divorce took over four years. Time destroyed assets, opportunities, relationships, feelings of self-worth. Ironically, in the end, the deal we ended up with was almost identical to a deal my ex and I agreed to in principle before we retained legal counsel. The only real difference was that we had far more assets the first time round. By the end of it all, a lot of what we owned had either been destroyed by the journey or found its way into our lawyers’ pockets.”

N = NURTURE THE CHILDREN

“We certainly don’t want to lose everything we’ve worked so hard to build,” says Carolyn Cunningham. “But even more than that, we want our children to get through our divorce emotionally intact.”

“Then there’s only one thing you need to do,” I assure her. “Be the best parent you can be and your children will thrive.

“If you both choose right now to move through this divorce with honesty and integrity, your children will be just fine. In fact, they may even be better for the experience.

“The fact that many troubled children come from divorced families prompts a lot of people to jump to conclusions. The divorce may not have been the problem at all. Instead, the dysfunctional family life that precipitated the divorce may be the reason for emotional or behavioral issues.

“It’s time for society to stop stigmatizing divorce and accept that it’s a fact of life. As long as people wag a shaming finger at couples who divorce, the children of those divorces will assume a share of that shame.

“I don’t see divorce as a bad thing, so I don’t treat my children or any children of divorce as if they are less fortunate or somehow missing something. I simply don’t buy into that way of thinking. That’s why one of my life’s missions is to ensure that either we get rid of the word ‘divorce’ or we alter the connotations that go along with it.

“Children who find themselves in the path of their parents’ divorce should not have to feel fear or shame, and they certainly shouldn’t be treated like victims. Just as we need to empower ourselves to accept change as normal and healthy and frequently necessary, we need to empower children to do the same.

“Your new family will need a plan. I’m a huge advocate of well-articulated plans, and we will take you through the steps to create one. You may stray from it at times, but it will remain in place for the times when you really need it.”

E = ELIMINATE EMOTIONAL CHAOS

“I admitted earlier that I’m not psychic, but assume for just a moment that I have a crystal ball and can look into your futures.

“If I told you your futures were full of joy, that you and your children were thriving and you had no financial worries, would you feel less stress over your divorce?”

“Of course,” says Carolyn, and Adam echoes her answer.

“Then that is the future you need to envision because our thoughts and expectations help create our outcomes. You’ve probably heard about The Secret? This is exactly the same idea. Whatever we focus on—good or bad—is typically what we create.

“You’re both scared. That’s normal. But fear is merely the negative anticipation of something in the future that may or may not happen. If you can become now- and positive future-oriented, you can substantially reduce your stress and all the emotional chaos that comes with it. In this regard, nothing beats a well laid-out plan of where you are going and how you’re going to get there.

“The past is in the past, and it needs to stay there. Starting right now, you are going to lay a positive foundation for the future, and the best way to do that is to follow a system that keeps you now- and future-focused—a system that empowers you, shapes positive outcomes in your mind’s eye, and moves you strategically through all the important decisions to make them come true.”

[KEY ACTIONS]

Another key to managing stress and keeping negative emotions in check is to address any short-term issues that threaten to take you away from your future focus. If you need money in the short term, arrange a loan or borrow from a friend. Better yet, set up a plan with your spouse for dealing with parenting and money issues in the short term. This will ensure you don’t get sidetracked by short-term stresses while focusing on long-term planning.

“The traditional system of divorce, with its ‘may the most ruthless bully win’ mentality, is all about exerting power to create stress. Few things are as emotionally upsetting as arriving home at the end of the day to find a demand to appear in court, a notice that deprives you of half your income, or an affidavit asserting you’re addicted to Internet porn. Unless you are void of emotion, how can you possibly make good decisions in the face of these kinds of antics?

“The Fairway Process promises to reduce stress and emotional upheaval by keeping you on task, committed to getting consensus, and focused on crafting prudent short- and long-term plans.”

KEY INSIGHTS ]

Divorce is about an ending, but it’s also about new beginnings. It’s about two souls whose journey together as husband and wife has come to an end. Believe that you were brought together for a reason, maybe to have children, maybe to experience a certain kind of love, maybe to experience a certain kind of pain. Even if the reason seems unclear, trust that there was one. And trust, too, that a new journey awaits.

Every relationship offers opportunities to learn and to grow. If you are not emotionally ready to let go, try to remember that there are new beginnings, challenges, and opportunities to grow and learn awaiting you once you find closure.

[KEY ACTIONS]

Your children are on this path too, and for them you are encoding in their minds and their souls not only what relationships look like when you are in them, but how they look when it’s time to move on. Show them that endings are okay and as much a part of life as beginnings. Show them how to leave a relationship with grace and integrity and be better for it. Show them how to treat others you once loved. Let’s start laying new foundations for our children together.

“This is a difficult time for both of you,” I say to the Cunninghams by way of wrapping things up, “but there’s light at the end of the tunnel. If you stick with The Fairway Process, I promise you’ll be there before you know it.

“It’s only fair to warn you, though: The road to resolution is rarely free of conflict, frustration, and anger. At the outset, you’ll like the Fairway folks and our process, but a time will possibly come when you begin to curse everyone and everything in your path. If you persist, though—if you push through the pain and stay focused on your goals—when you reach the end of the process, you’ll feel empowered, you’ll know you were treated fairly, and you’ll probably find some new inner peace.”

I escort the Cunninghams back to the front reception. I can sense the relief they both feel as they leave knowing there is a way to move through their divorce quickly and cost-effectively and with their integrity intact. They are definitely on the right path to resolution with respect to their money and their children, and I know the Cunninghams will come out of this process with a fair plan that will stand the test of time and allow them to co-parent with mutual respect. I know, too, the new family will thrive if only Adam and Carolyn can stay focused and avoid the pitfalls that lurk in the emotional shadows.