CHAPTER [8]
ADAM’S EMOTIONAL PROCRASTINATION
You’ll recall that The Fairway Process is more verbosely called the Independently Negotiated Resolution Process,™ and the real key to its success is the “Independently” part.
After my initial meeting with a divorcing couple—a meeting they attend together—they proceed through the remainder of the process independently, all the while working with a single unbiased negotiator.
This approach eliminates damaging and unproductive insults, sarcasm, and emotional outbursts of the type the Cunninghams exhibited in the preceding chapter.
In my first one-on-one meeting with each party, I take them through an exercise called the “painted picture conversation,” a highly practical, highly focused, and profoundly important activity geared toward getting each person focused on his or her future.
The day after my meeting with Adam and Carolyn Cunningham together, I see them separately at my Fairway Divorce Solutions office.
When Adam arrives, it’s immediately clear that he’s still stinging over the turn his life has taken. Beneath the furl of his brow, I can see the pain and dejection in his eyes. A look of utter defeat.
I begin softly. “It won’t feel like this forever, Adam. You may not believe me—I probably wouldn’t have believed it myself when it was happening to me—but this too shall pass.
“Something else you may not believe is that you can take control of how quickly it passes.
“Whether you want the divorce or not, it is what it is. The best thing you can do is let go of the past and become present- and future-focused.”
[KEY ACTIONS]
If ever you feel you simply can’t deal with reality, tell yourself you can, otherwise your path would not have led you to this point. Trust in the old saying, “We are never handed anything we cannot handle.”
When the urge comes upon us to curse the cards we’ve been dealt, it may also help to remember that most of the cards in our hand are ones we ourselves have chosen. At some level, we create all of our own outcomes.
If you can train yourself to stop equating divorce with failure, you can apply the brakes to what will otherwise become an out-of-control emotional roller coaster. Accepting change and moving gracefully through it is so much healthier than beating yourself up, which will make you crazy.
To help ensure you stay the course, seek and accept help. Surround yourself with friends and family you can trust. Align yourself with good professionals.
And read. There is so much to learn from others.
“The best way to let go of the past, Adam, is to paint a picture for the future, a positive picture that fills you with hope.”
“I don’t feel very full of hope,” says Adam, his eyes glassy with barely restrained tears. “My life before seemed almost perfect. I know I worked too hard, but I did it for our family. And for what? Carolyn dumps me for the tennis pro. What kind of payback is that?”
“I know it feels like a raw deal, Adam. But regardless of how you ended up here, The Fairway Process will empower you to find and embrace a new beginning—as hard as that may seem right now.
“It’s important that you address your emotional journey and get support, but it’s even more important that you don’t let your emotions play havoc with your ability to make sound decisions. The Fairway Process was designed to keep you grounded in prudent, forward-thinking decision making.
“Have you given much thought to what your future will look like, Adam?”
“The future? I hardly know what’s going to happen five minutes from now. The rest is nothing but a blur.”
“Don’t worry. At this stage, some people have really clear pictures of their ideal futures, while others have difficulty imagining what might lie head. They’re still trying to figure out how to get up in the morning.”
“That’s me, all right,” says Adam, managing a faint smile. “I honestly feel like I have no future—like Carolyn took it from me, and from our kids too. I still don’t understand why I’m here and why I’m getting divorced, but clearly I have no choice.”
“That’s true. Carolyn is entitled to a divorce if she wants one. So it really becomes your journey now, Adam, and we need to start formulating what that might look like.
“Of course, at this early stage of the process, it is only an imaginary picture—a wish list if you will. Here at Fairway Divorce Solutions, we call it your ‘painted picture,’ and it can be as specific or as vague as you like. After today’s session, you‘ll take the painted picture home with you and continue to add to and refine it.”
[KEY ACTIONS]
Create your own painted picture, your wish list for the future. It is absolutely crucial that you become future-focused—the past is in the past and needs to be left there.
Your painted picture can be a list or a story or a collage depicting what you want your future to look like. While this may seem flaky, it is arguably the most important of all the how-to instructions in this book as the exercise is crucial to creating an empowered outcome.
In words, pictures, or both, paint a detailed vision for your future as if you were in it right now. If you need to explore your emotions along the way, use supportive, empowering words.
Here’s an example of a positive painted picture: “Although being single again isn’t where I wanted to be at my age, I know I’ll be okay and trust that I’ll come through this a better person. Yes, there will be pain along the way, but eventually I’ll move beyond the pain and find joy in my new beginnings.”
Compare those empowering words to these disempowering sentiments: “I hate my ex. I can’t believe he did this to me. My life is ruined. Single at my age? I’m going to die lonely. And broke!”
Avoid this kind of negative thinking at all costs. Even if it seems hard to believe right now, you do get to choose your outcome. Positive or negative, the future you envision is the future you will get.
Adam closes his eyes for a moment. When he opens them, I can see a glimmer of feistiness that wasn’t there before.
“Okay,” he says. “For starters, I want the cottage. My cottage. My parents gave it to me, and it’s for me and my kids. There’s no way she and her goddamn boy-toy are going to get it. No way in hell.”
“Adam, I know you’re upset—”
“Not upset. Enraged.”
“Okay, enraged. And I understand that this is difficult. But the best thing you can do is stop yourself from playing the victim. I know as well as anyone how lousy it feels to be dumped. But you will get through this, and if you stay focused on a bright future, the future will be bright. I promise. Moving on starts with visualizing life without Carolyn as your wife.
“Let’s get back now to what you would like.”
“Fine. My pension. It’s mine and she can’t have that. Oh—and I want her to move out. Right now.
“You know, I really just wish she’d been honest with me. It’s bad enough she had the affair in the first place, but then she kept denying it and that just killed me. I knew something was wrong, but I just couldn’t put my finger on it.”
[KEY INSIGHTS]
Acceptance opens up opportunities to grow and become a better person, and truth turns crisis and chaos into a place where transition can begin. Consider this simple scenario:
With heartfelt sadness, Jack tells Jill his feelings have changed and he is feeling open to another’s love. He realizes he must move on, but first, he must end his marriage to Jill.
For Jack and Jill both, the situation is rife with sadness and pain. At the moment of Jack’s revelation, that is their reality. But except in rare cases, no reality is too overwhelming for a person to endure. Our humanness makes us resilient.
Yes, Jill is sad. She is shocked by the news, and her most likely reaction will be to cry and obsess and pass the days that follow in a tumult of emotion. But because Jack has been authentic in his disclosure and Jill now knows the truth—something she can come to terms with and act upon—she will be able to transition much more quickly into recovering her self-worth, reasserting her sexuality, and so on. Like all transitions through divorce, Jack and Jill’s split-up will have ups and downs and tears and tribulations, but there will be movement to new beginnings in a way that is empowering and not destructive to self-esteem and to the entire family unit.
Consider how often the real story comes out long after the fact. (“Oh, and that new fellow she’s been seeing, turns out there was something going on even before she and her husband separated!”) How destructive and disrespectful to someone she used to love and who is, perhaps, the father of her children!
In my heart of hearts, I know the greatest gift someone can give his or her spouse is the truth. Yes, the truth about an affair is painful, but at least it allows you to start moving forward. Alternatively, if your intuition is continually stifled by denials and protestations, you can become mired in chaos.
Gloria Steinem said it best: “The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off.”
This isn’t to say we must deny our emotional pain. Allowing yourself to experience the sting of your divorce is an important part of coming to terms with your new reality. In Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends, Dr. Bruce Fisher delineates the stages people move through following the breakup of a marriage. According to Fisher, the “re-building blocks” of divorce recovery include grief, anger, self-worth, transition, love, sexuality, and more.
As a veteran of divorce and now working with so many couples, I can see, looking back, that I followed these stages to a tee. I only wish I’d lost much less time in grief and anger and segued more quickly and gracefully into self-worth, transition, and all the rest.
I didn’t, but you can because the pace and the grace with which you move through divorce are entirely up to you.
Pain, emotional discomfort, sorrow, regret, anger—these are all facts of life—but so too are joy and hope and happiness. To be truly happy, we need to embrace the full spectrum of our feelings. Just as we cannot appreciate day without night or warmth without cold, we would not recognize happiness without grief or serenity without chaos. As Robert Gary Lee remarks, “Wisdom is nothing more than healed pain.”
When we learn to accept the hardships in our life, we can move from a place of grudging cynicism and negativity to one of gratitude. Melody Beat-tie writes: “Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.”
Sometimes, though, getting there may take a while. During those times that you feel your life is flooded with chaos and crisis, allow yourself to “just be”—to sit with the pain without fighting it or feeling you need immediately to conquer it.
Just be. Allow yourself to grieve, to be angry, to scream, to cry—whatever it takes. You’ll arrive at your new beginning not through avoidance but by transitioning over the terrain, however bumpy the going may get.
At all times, remember this: Divorce is a transition, not a tragedy. Divorce does not define you, and it’s certainly not an unforgivable sin. Dr. Joyce Brothers offers some illuminating reassurance: “For some reason, we see divorce as a signal of failure despite the fact that each of us has a right and an obligation to rectify any other mistake we make in life.” Marriage is not a mistake. At some point it was the right decision or you would not have made it. That said, when marriage is no longer right for you, moving forward with a divorce is not a bad thing. In fact, it’s just the opposite, especially if you’re being authentic to yourself and those around you.
On a roll now, Adam continues: “I want to value her business so she can pay me out. Her business can be a real moneymaker, so no more gravy train. She’s got the tennis pro. He can support her.”
Sensing that Adam is slipping back into “poor me” mode, I change the subject to something I hope will be more positive. “What about the kids?” I ask.
“Oh, yeah, the kids. I want a 50/50 custody split, and on that I’m nonnegotiable. She may think she can just dump me and get the kids and all my money, but she’s wrong. The kids are going to live with me too.”
“Fair enough. But what about the kids’ emotional well-being while you and Carolyn work though your divorce?”
“Well, even though I’m angry with their mother, I certainly don’t want the kids to suffer.”
“With respect to your children, what do you think a positive outcome might look like?”
“Well, I guess Carolyn and I should try to get along. I’m really angry with her and wish she would just go away, but I know deep down that’s not the best thing for the kids.”
As he reflects on his future with his kids, Adam softens, even in his anger toward Carolyn. “I really would like to get over all these terrible feelings—this venomous anger. I guess I have to if I’m going to be able to co-parent with her.
“And while I feel sometimes like she deserves nothing, I’m intelligent enough to know that she’ll get half. But I definitely want the cottage.”
I can’t help but notice that Adam is all over the map when it comes to his vision for the future. “Is there anything else?” I ask him.
“Yes, there is.” He hesitates a moment as if fearful of articulating his thought. At last, though, he continues. “Lately, I’ve lost my ambition at work. There just seems no reason to bust my buns anymore. I’m thinking I’d like to cut back a bit, maybe even change jobs.
“I’d also like the kids to continue in their after-school activities.” His eyes narrow and he stares upward, the look of a man deep in thought. After a few moments he shakes his head and continues. “Sorry, that’s all I can think of for now.”
“That’s okay,” I say, “but I want you to continue working on your painted picture at home. Keep it in your mind’s eye, and keep adding details to your vision for the future.
“For example, what does your new bachelor pad look like? Who are you hanging out with? How much cash is in your bank account? What are you driving? What does your relationship with your kids look and feel like? How often are they around? What are you doing together?
“With every imaginable aspect of your future life, try to get really clear. The more future-focused you become, the closer you’ll eventually come to creating the desired outcomes.
“I know, Adam, that you’re struggling with a lot of emotions right now. Sometimes you may not know whether you’re coming or going. But if you stick with The Fairway Process, you’ll get through your divorce with a practical plan for moving forward.
“Yes, there will be some bumpy roads along the way. Not even The Fairway Process can change that, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel, even if you can’t see it yet.”
“You know,” admits Adam, “I’m really just afraid of getting taken to the cleaners. I don’t want to be pushed into any decision that doesn’t sit well.”
“Listening to your intuition is important, Adam, in The Fairway Process and in everything else life throws your way. You really need to trust your gut.”
[KEY ACTIONS]
Your intuition is always bang on, but to make sure it’s there when you need it, you need constantly to hone your ability to tune in and trust it.
Like a healthy heart, healthy intuition benefits from exercise. When you let your heart idle too long, the arteries start to clog and the blood flow is compromised. Similarly, the flow of intuitive wisdom can get cut off if you let things get out of shape.
Here are a few exercises for tuning up your intuition:
As you go to sleep at night, ask yourself the question that’s weighing heavily on your mind, and ask to be given the answer as you slumber. In the morning, you will see the answer beginning to unfold, even if you don’t yet have complete clarity.
Another trick: Make a decision one way or the other, and then sit with that decision for a few days. If it’s the wrong decision, there will be signs—you just need to be receptive to them.
Deepak Chopra’s Synchronicity is a great resource for helping you hone your intuition and open your eyes.
Once you tap into the innate gift of intuition, you will always know if you’ve made the right decision. Your gut will let you know. The right decision will just feel right.
Suddenly, Adam looks at me with a renewed seriousness. “You know, Karen, some of my friends say I should start to hide things—maybe move some stuff around so Carolyn can’t get her hands on it.”
“Yes, Adam, you could do that. A lot of divorcing people do. But The Fairway Process has checks and balances built in, and the contract you sign at the end insists upon full disclosure. If concealing assets is something you’re seriously considering, you’re really just wasting your time here. At the end, the contract won’t be worth the paper it’s printed on if you’ve lied. But since I know you really want to avoid the War of the Roses. …”
“Yeah, yeah, I know. I was just asking. Of course I want to be fair, and I know any misdealings catch up with you in the end. They always do. Just ask Carolyn,” he adds with a wry smile.
Then he continues. “Carolyn was with me for a long time, and while I think I deserve more than her, I get it that she stayed with the kids so I could build my career. We’ve both made sacrifices.”
I smile and nod, glad to see that Adam is finally coming around.
“I just hate this feeling that my life is suddenly spinning out of control. I find that I’m reacting to everyone and everything like I never did before.”
“That’s perfectly normal,” I assure him. “This is a difficult time no matter how you slice it. But you can move through it, especially if you keep tackling the issues proactively. You’re most definitely on the right track.”
[KEY ACTIONS]
Being proactive during your divorce will minimize the emotional fallout and financial repercussions.
The best time to alter the pattern of reactivity is in the split-second before you react. Imagine: In one hand, with your arm outstretched, you hold a priceless crystal vase. With the other hand, you must catch it before it shatters to pieces on the tile floor below. What’s the best tactic? To snatch it the moment you release it, or to try and catch it just before it hits the floor?
Neither, actually. Your best bet, of course, is to not let go of it in the first place. But if you do let it go, your best option is to catch it right away before it crashes on the floor.
So how does one hold tight to one’s reactions? The first step is to recognize when you’re in reactive mode. Then practise, practise, practise. Many methods can help stop you in your tracks.
One is a variation on the tried and true “count to 10” technique: Take deep breaths, counting to six on each inhalation and on each exhalation. Do this six times to slow yourself down and give yourself time to think through your impulses.
Another tactic is to remove yourself from the situation (or if that’s not possible, to close your eyes) and do some very positive self-talk: “I am strong—it’s going to take more than this to get me riled—I’m not going to let this person (or situation) master my emotions. Everything is going to be okay.”
Reactivity prevails when we feel threatened and we’re full of fear. If you can put some positive thoughts into your head in moments of fear, you can often stifle the fear and circumvent a fear-based reaction.
I’ve heard many people’s divorce stories, and they all confirm the conclusion I drew from my own experience: Under the oppressive stresses of divorce, it is difficult to be the best you can be. Try as you might to rise above the negative emotions and not let them get the better of you, you will likely slip. Often.
That’s normal. And it’s okay. There’s no such thing as a perfect parent, a perfect employee, a perfect person. Under stress, we all falter. To get through the tough times with your self-esteem intact, two things are crucial. Don’t beat yourself up. And don’t give up. When you find yourself raising your voice at your kids or snapping at your coworkers or thinking about doing things that will cause nothing but chaos (concealing assets from your spouse is a good example!), embrace the opportunity to tune in to the feelings that attend reactivity. See how it creates chaos (in contrast to self-disciplined proactivity, which restores order). Observe how profoundly your (re)actions impact others. And from that feeling of discomfort and pain, seek the strength to pull yourself back to a positive, proactive place.
When you switch modalities from reactive to proactive—in other words, when you clearly think through the consequences of your actions and make intelligent, forward-looking decisions—you can dwell in a place of peace. Proactive decisions and actions bring serenity, resolution, and light into your life.
Being proactive means being in tune with your intuition and letting it be your guide. And when your decisions and actions come from a place of proactive insight, everyone in your life will benefit. Those around you will not suffer the consequences of your negative reactions. Proactivity’s ripple effect is empowerment.
A proactive approach to divorce (yes, there is such a thing) doesn’t sugarcoat reality. You accept that the journey will present countless, often unforeseeable trials and tribulations, but you’re ready to receive life’s lessons to empower your decision making and ensure that when you come out on the other side, your life will amount to more than just ashes and dust.
In any iteration, divorce is difficult and painful. But it need not be chaotic. Proactive divorce offers the promise of hope for a positive future full of hope and personal empowerment.
